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Sami’s Bad Fur Day
Copyright 2001. CajunDoggie. All Rights Reserved.
Its sunrise at Brandon’s Apartment, we see the morning sun through the window as Brandon’s clockradio goes off….
Radio : Its 6:23 AM in Salem and it looks like a gorgeous spring day is in the making. Highs from the mid 70’s by the water to the low 90’s in the inland valleys. Valley ground fog in the mornings giving way to clear sunny skies by 10:00.
Brandon : (yawns). It won’t be sunny where Abe is going….
Brandon gets up, stretches and heads for the shower. We hear water coming on and all of a sudden Sami barges into the apartment.
Sami : Geez, Brandon is in the shower AGAIN…. BRANDON!!! BRANDON!!! Get out here!!! Times a wastin’
Brandon comes out of the shower clad in his signature towel.
Brandon : Couldn’t you wait until I cleaned where the sun don’t shine, Samantha?
Sami : No WAY! I need you to help me get Austin away from Greta.
Brandon : Sorry, I have to go to work. Aren’t you working the reception desk anymore?
Sami : Now that I got Will, I qualify for AFDC. I can spend all day every day making people miserable.
Brandon : Where is Will anyway?
Sami : I locked him in his room.
Brandon : That’s what I love about you Samantha… Oops…
It seems that Brandon’s soapy hands lost their grip on his towel again.
Sami : Pack your bags!!! We gotta get that thing to Cape Canaveral [she licks her chops]
Brandon : I still have 45 minutes to catch the train to the hospital.
Sami : Sorry Austin, just one last time….
At Austin’s apartment a similar scene unfolds… Austin’s clock radio goes off
Radio : "I love you… You love me… we’re a happy family… with a great big"
Somebody is knocking on the door to Austin’s apartment. He opens the door.
Austin : What do you want Greta? I’m missing Barney.
Greta : I need your help redesigning the orphanage’s food court. I feel that the cuisine of Botswana and Iceland are underrepresented on the menu.
Austin : Uhhh… Botswana… Iceland…. How bout we just super-size their french-fries on Fridays? Uhhh… HuhHuh… We could call it Fry-Day.
Greta : My HERO!!!! [swoon]. [to herself : If the word wasn’t out about me being the queen of tease, I could find a real boyfriend instead of this dolt]
Austin : Mystery solved. That leaves the whole day and nothing to do. Sometimes I wish I had a job.
Greta : Don’t be ridiculous! Lets go down to Salem Place and swill cappuccinos until we can’t stand ourselves.
Austin : Duh… Ok.
[At Bo and Hopes house JT is crying and Bo is trying to calm him while making eggs and sausage]
Bo : Fancy Face!!!….. Fanceeeeey Faaaaace!!! Rise and SHIIINNNE!!! [to himself : Its bad enough she refuses to get a job, but you would think she might make me breakfast on a work day].
Hope staggers into the kitchen
Hope : Whats for breakfast?
Bo : Eggs and Sausage.
Hope : You never listen to me Bo. Don’t you know by now that I love DONUTS!!! DONUTS!!! Not eggs… DONUTS!!!
Bo : I just thought for once….
Hope : Fine then, I’m going to Grans for breakfast.
Bo : I’m sure she will be DELIGHTED…. Could you take JT? I have to work.
Hope : WORK!!! Gah, you know I hate that word! Ok… Give him here.
Exit Hope…. The telephone rings… Its Roman.Bo : Brady’s boarders. Lazy Ladies with Low IQs and Large Lungs our specialty.
Roman : Well, at least you get laid once in a while. Listen, I just learned that Sami is withholding evidence about Franco’s murder.
Bo : Who told you that?
Roman : Sami.
Bo : Ok, I’ll go look for clues down at the waterfront.
Roman : Good idea, I’ll go down to the strip club and threaten the owner.
Bo : Good, maybe Abe ought to shoot Will in the back for good measure though.
Roman : Ten-Four, I’ll tell him.
[Back at Brandon’s Sami is basking in the afterglow]
Brandon : Stay right where you are Samantha, I have to take a shower.
Sami : D’oh!!! I’m outta here!
[exit Sami, cut to Salem Place Austin and Greta are having cappuccino]
Greta : Maybe we should put a cappuccino bar in the orphanage. What do you think Austin?
Austin : Aaahhhh!!!! Crappa-chino!!! I need it for my BUNGHOLE!!!
Greta : Oh Austin, you are so brave and kind. [to herself : Why can’t this idiot read the cue cards].
[Sami approaches showing cleavage reminiscent of Al Bundy’s butt-crack….]
Sami : Austin!!! Will is wetting his bed, only you can save him!!!
Austin : Aaaahhhh!!!! Are you from lake Titti-caca?….. Can I see your portfolio?
Sami : Greta!!! When he gets hyper he can’t remember his lines! One word girlfriend…. DECAF!
Greta : Tell me about it! Austin! You are supposed to go over to Sami’s now.
Austin : You will give me TP! Bungholio!!!!
[At .Com the teens are playing video games and drinking herb tea]
Shawn : Phil, you lose again!
Phil : No, I won. Either that or I’ll ask dad to blow up your house.
Mimi : Those video games are so violent… Ewww!!! By the way Shawn, did you know that I am so insecure because I am embarrassed by my gigantor bust-line.
Belle : Knock it off Meems, Shawn could care less about breasts.
Shawn : That’s true. All I care about is …. Uhhh…. I dunno.
Phil : Well, Chloe has….
Belle, Shawn and Mimi : Shut up Phillip!
Phil : Screw you guys, I’m going home…. Wait, I have no home, it burned down. Screw you guys, I’m off to find Chloe.
Mimi : Why don’t you try the blood bank.
[At Sami’s apartment, Austin has calmed down]
Sami : Will has been wetting the bed constantly. I don’t know what to do.
Will : I want my daddy!!!
Austin : You might try unlocking his door so he can use the restroom.
Sami : But then he might get away… I mean, then he might… uhhh….
[she bends over Will and flashes Austin two full feet of cleavage]
Austin : I cant stand it anymore!!!
[he picks up Sami and carries her off, Sami licks her chops]
Will : My mommy is real stupid, so is uncle Austin.
[Abe and Roman burst in to Sami’s apartment. Will is firing a toy gun at the bedroom door.]
Will : I want MY DADDY!!! Bang!!! Bang!!!
[Roman steps on a toy fire truck and goes hurtling across the floor firing his gun randomly, He crashes into the foosball table and swears, Will turns to look and Abe nails him twice in the chest, Roman bursts into song]
Roman : That’s why I say, hey man… Nice Shot!…. Good Shot Man….
[Sami and Austin appear from the bedroom]
Roman : I always wondered how she afforded this place.
Sami : Hi Daddy, Hi uncle Abe.
Austin : Oh my god, you killed Will… Oh well, I forgive you.
