4.01
- "Little Blue Planet"
Written
by Paul Donovan
Transcribed
by Sarcasmagoria (Cassie)
DISCLAIMER:
LEXX IS THE PROPERTY OF PAUL DONOVAN AND SALTER STREET FILMS. NO MONEY WILL BE
MADE FROM THIS TRANSCRIPTION. IT'S JUST FOR FUN.
Starring:
Michael
McManus as Kai
Xenia
Seeberg as Xev
Brian
Downey as Stanley H. Tweedle
Jeffrey
Hirschfield as the voice of 790
Tom
Gallant as the voice of the LEXX
Nigel
Bennett as Prince
Also
featuring:
Chas
Lawther as President Jeffrey Davison
Rolf
Kaines as Reginald J. Priest
John
Pearson as Cobra
Michael
Sachs as Ridolan Simenovic
Alexis
Conran as Moustapha Al Hambra
Julia
Moore as Dr. Truro
Jim
Swansburg as Commander Bricklin
Giovanni
DelVecchio as Guglielmo Marconi
And
Ryan
Cooley as Digby, the little kid hanging from the wall
=============================================
This
is a (more or less) word for word transcript of the episode. My (sometimes
extraneous) comments are in [brackets]. I'm not familiar with the layout of a
script, so please be gentle.
=============================================
[The
show opens with communications icon Guglielmo Marconi and two none-too-brights
on a snowy beach in Newfoundland. The year is 1901, and Marconi is planning to
test his latest invention - the radio]
Marconi:
It's too slow! Idiota! It's too low! Bring it up!
Goombah
#1 [who looks a lot like Lex Gigeroff, but isn't]: Fine weather we're
having, Mr. Macaroni, eh?
Marconi
[peeved]: Marconi. Macaroni's a pasta.
Goombah
#1:
Whatever you say, Me Ducky --
Marconi:
Macaroni--! Batteria...connect the batteria!!
[Marconi
taps out a bit of Morse code, and in response we hear faint static and
chirping]
Santa
Lucia! Today we make historia!! [Laughs and throws his hat into the
air]
[The
camera pulls back further and further, out of the Earth's atmosphere and out
into space, past the moon, past Mars...okay, if you've seen "Contact" - which
this scene is clearly spoofing - you get the idea.
It
appears that Marconi's victory may have doomed the Earth, for outside the Milky
Way; a really big ship is waiting. This ship appears to be an antenna studded,
engine-propelled asteroid that from here on in shall be referred to as the
Potato of Doom (PoD) until its proper name has been revealed. The PoD lights up
and begins drifting slowly toward the Milky Way.
Cue
pitifully truncated opening credits and break for
commercial]
[The
next scene opens with a phalanx of official-looking black vehicles and police
cars speeding down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC in "the very near
future." They speed past some familiar landmarks toward the entrance to an
underground tunnel. The tunnel leads to the super secret headquarters of the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
A
group of people - including US President Jeffrey Davison (who has obviously been
trading hairstyling tips with Bill Gates) - is scanned and boards an elevator,
which takes them to a meeting room deep underground. There they are greeted by
Prince (Nigel Bennett).
Yes,
boys and girls Prince is back, minus the lip ring and cool overcoat and plus a
very powerful position in the Federal government. On Earth he's known as
Isambard Prince, director of the ATF, although one must wonder how he rose to
such power after literally dropping out of the sky one day, as we in the US
choose our power brokers with a little more care. We have a raffle or something.
Anyway,
moving on...]
Prince: Mr. President, last Tuesday ATF agents
working at SETI, a civilian organization that searches for extraterrestrial
intelligence reported that a 12-year-old boy from Sulphur, Louisiana [cut to
Digby, hanging on the wall about 200 feet up] - ostensibly as part of a school
science project - called SETI headquarters to report that he had spotted a
large, self-propelled unidentified object in the vicinity of the Earth's moon.
Do not be misled by feelings of sympathy for this boy, Mr. President, he is
likely part of the greatest threat the human race has ever faced.
The
discovery of extra-terrestrial life in the Earth's vicinity automatically
triggered the Haig-Schliefen Plan and the ATF went into immediate action. We
eliminated all personages employed at SETI along with their relatives and
acquaintances and we destroyed their headquarters building. The FBI effectively
credited this action to religious fanatics and our news organization - with the
exception of a few insignificant journalists - effectively bought the deception.
As per the plan, any potentially suspicious journalists were eliminated by the
CIA.
I
think we should congratulate the FBI, the CIA and the boys at the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms on a job well done.
[Everyone
at the table claps, as Prince looks smug]
Davison: Remind me, what is the Haig-Schliefen
Plan?
Prince:
The secret legislation authored by Senators Haig and Schliefen which you signed
into law last year. They agreed to forget that little unpleasantness with the
French ambassador's daughter.
[Davison
clears his throat and simpers]
Prince:
Mr. President, a communication has been arranged between you and the aliens.
It's due to start at 0900 hours, that's in exactly 37
seconds.
Davison:
But I'm not prepared for that! You know I never speak without
my--
Prince:
Don't worry, Mr. President. All possible answers have been carefully authored by
our best scientists and philosophers. Just follow the reply cards. Do not say
anything that is not on the cards, the fate of the Earth is in your hands.
Do
not be misled by outward appearances, Mr. President [Stan the Man's lovely mug
appears on an overhead monitor], these aliens are more advanced that we are and
can likely display themselves in ways calculated to make us lower our guard.
Stick to the cards.
Stan:
Okay...so. You're there, we're here. What's the deal?
Davison
[smiling fakely and reading from the cards]: We are a benign species, opposed to
interplanetary conflict and believe in equal opportunity for all beings
regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation or planet of
origin.
Stan:
That's nice. Let's start over, okay? I want you to tell me what the people on
your planet are gonna do to make Stanley H. Tweedle a happier
man.
[Davison
mumbles and looks to Prince for guidance]
Prince:
Stick to the cards, Mr. President. All possibilities have been anticipated. Do
not deviate from the cards.
Davison
[to Stan]: Congratulations on your birthday.
Stan:
How do you know it's my birthday?
Davison:
We look joyfully forward to sharing the many benefits of our combined
knowledge.
Stan:
Huh? Look. I don't know when my birthday is and I don't think you do either,
okay? Whatever. Let's get down to some real business here. I want to know about
your planet. Why would a guy like me want to go down there?
Huh?
Davison:
Tell us about your species. Are you friendly?
Stan:
Yeah, very. Under the right circumstances, you know what I mean? You see, I'm a
man, like any other man...
Prince:
Stick to the cards, Mr. President.
Stan:
...and interested in the finer things life has to offer. Especially warm,
cuddly, smoochy things. You know what I mean.
Davison:
Our planet is decaying in its own filth and is best avoided by all aliens.
Stan:
Look, pal. I don't know what you're going on about, except that it doesn't make
any sense at all. What I want is a place with nice beaches, good food and
open-minded, interesting attractive women, and not a whole lot else. So start
helping me out here. Make this work for me.
So
buddy, or President of something or other, or whatever you are, I think you
should know. I'm Stanley H. Tweedle, captain of the most powerful destructive
force in the Two Universes, and I've blown up plenty of planets. And if I don't
start getting a little more cooperation from you, I'm gonna use your little blue
planet for target practice!
Davison:
We have the capacity and the will to defend ourselves aggressively against any
and all unfriendly alien intrusion.
Stan:
Oh yeah? Well if that's the way you want it, fine by me! I've had enough
attitude from you. This conversation's over.
[Monitor
fades to static]
Prince:
The Earth is clearly threatened, Mr. President. It's time to put the full
Haig-Schliefen into effect. [pushes a document over to Davison to
sign]
Davison:
I prefer to use my lucky pen if you don't mind, Isambard.
[pen
runs out of ink]
Prince:
Here, try my lucky pen.
[Back
on the LEXX, Stan is apoplectic]
Stan:
I mean it! There are good planets and there are bad planets and THAT is
definitely not a good one! I think the whole universe would be far better off
without it.
LEXX!
Blow up that stupid blue planet! Well, just...just...[slaps ineffectively at the
template] just blow it up! Blow it up! [Xev approaches and touches his arm] Get
off!
[Xev
steps smugly up to bat and places her hand on the
template]
Xev:
LEXX, could you blow up that planet if I asked you to?
LEXX:
Yes I could, Captain. I could blow up any planet you want. That is what I do.
Xev:
Thank you, LEXX. But we will not blow it up...yet.
Stan:
How come you still have the key to the LEXX? Huh? I'm the captain, and I think I
should have the key back right now. [Xev wiggles her fingers, letting the key
show itself]
Kai!
Kai, don't you agree with me? I am the captain and I should have the key
back.
[Kai
is wisely staying the Hell out of this]
Xev:
Well as we all know you can only get the key from me if I'm at the extreme edge
of sexual ecstasy...or the very edge of death, neither of which is about to
happen right now.
790:
Kill the bitch, Stan! The security guard can become captain and blow up the
planet and Kai and I and Kai can sail off together on a slut-free
voyage.
Kai:
In my memories I have but limited knowledge of this universe. However, I believe
that this planet is at the very center of the darkest part of the Dark Zone. It
may be advisable to leave the vicinity as soon as
possible.
Stan:
Okay, that's enough for me. Xev, come on, just blow up the stupid planet then we
can go some place else and find ourselves a nice planet.
790:
It makes little difference whether or not you destroy this planet. It is a
classic type 13 planet, which typically destroys itself at this stage of its
development.
Xev:
How?
790:
Sometimes through war, often through environmental catastrophe. But more
commonly, a type 13 planet is inadvertently collapsed into a pea-sized object by
scientists attempting to determine the mass of the Higgs boson particle.
Kai:
Xev, ask the LEXX how long it will take him to reach the nearest...other solar
system.
Xev:
LEXX, how long will it take you to reach the next solar
system?
LEXX:
I do not know. I was only able to eat a few small rocky bites after I blew up
the desert and water planets, and they were not very tasty. I am still very
hungry, so I cannot go very fast.
Kai:
The LEXX has very little power reserve remaining. It could take hundreds of
standard years to reach the next solar system, and even if he shuts down fully,
he may not be revivable once we arrive.
790:
It's obvious. The slut and the security guard should go down to the stupid
planet and join the other lowlifes, and the robot head and the corpse he lusts
after will stay up here on the LEXX forever and ever.
Kai:
The next solar system may or may not have the digestible organic material the
LEXX needs. This one clearly does.
[Commercial
break. Then on to a scene inside a prison where Cobra, a handsome serial killer
is being led to the electric chair.]
Executioner:
Any last words, Cobra?
Cobra
[in a hilariously fake accent that sounds like a cross between Dracula and
Natasha Nogoodnik by way of Father Guido Sarducci]: Yes, would somebody please
clean my fingernails, they're filthy. They're filthy!
[Executioner
takes a handkerchief from the guard and cleans Cobra's
nails]
Cobra:
The pinky.
[Executioner
uses guard's pocketknife to clean out under Cobra's pinky]
Cobra:
Thank you.
[Executioner
goes to the switch, and almost throws it (in fact he gets a little zap in)
before the phone rings. And not a moment too soon, as Cobra was about a
microsecond away from Crispy Critterhood. The guard answers the
phone.]
Guard:
Yes it is...yes...yes sir. [hangs up]
Executioner:
The governor?
Guard:
No, the ATF.
Executioner
[looking disgusted]: the ATF.
Guard:
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
[Cobra
is dragged into an interrogation room where Prince and Davison are
waiting.]
Davison:
Are you sure about him?
Prince
[who must have left his American accent in his other pants]: Cobra is the most
psychotic killer on the planet, and therefore perfect. [To Cobra] Mr. Cobra. Is
that how you like to be addressed?
Cobra:
Just Cobra.
Prince:
Cobra. Well, you have two choices, Mr. Cobra. You can either go straight back
into the electric chair and be executed for your many crimes or you can save the
human race by assassinating its most dangerous enemy.
Cobra:
What's the deal?
Prince:
The deal is that you will be sent up in the space shuttle to intercept an enemy
alien spacecraft. You will then board the craft and kill the
crew.
Cobra:
I don't know how to drive the Space Shuttle.
Prince:
Think of it as a taxi. NASA pilots will be doing the driving. All you have to do
is what we all agree you're very good at doing: the killing.
Cobra: What's my reward?
Prince:
Certain death. It's a one-way mission. The shuttle will use all its fuel to get
to the alien craft. There will be no return journey. The only payment will be
your opportunity to do more maiming, mutilation and murder before entering
oblivion yourself. There's room on the shuttle for three more men. Black Berets,
CIA Special Ops, Vaticanos...anyone you want.
Cobra:
I need only two men. Moustapha Al Hambra and Ridolan
Simenovic.
Prince:
And where might one find these two gentlemen?
Davison:
Half the CIA is on Al Hambra's trail in Afghanistan.
Cobra:
That's Mohammed Al Hambra. Moustapha Al Hambra is a manicurist in Boston.
Ridolan Simenovic? He's my personal trainer.
Prince:
So, do we have a deal?
[cut
to stock footage of the Space Shuttle taking off. On board are Cobra, Ridolan,
Moustapha and two Red Shirts named Bricklin and Truro.]
Bricklin:
Green lights all the way, Houston. We're on our way to the
moon.
Houston
[on the radio]: Godspeed, Mission Light Brigade. We are with you all the
way.
Cobra:
Just across the bay.
Bricklin:
What do you mean by that?
Cobra:
They are safe and sound on Earth. Not up here on a one-way
trip.
Ridolan:
You NASA guys may be on a one-way trip, not me.
Moustapha:
Me neither.
Truro:
Face it, there's no going home for any of us. And I consider it an honor and a
privilege to give up my life to save the whole human race.
[Cobra
and his boys have a hearty laugh at this.]
Ridolan:
So tell us, how do you drive this thing?
Bricklin:
First you have to become a top gun pilot. Then you have to spend eight very
challenging years in simulations before your name even gets on the list. But
it's not really that hard once you get used to it.
Cobra:
Show me.
Bricklin:
You put this lever in drive when you want to go forward and "R" when you need to
go in reverse. [snerk!]
Ridolan:
And how do you control the speed?
Bricklin:
With this pedal down by your foot. Just like in a car. [Indicates a little gas
pedal shaped like a foot. Double snerk!]
[Back
on the LEXX]
LEXX:
I am so hungry I could eat a whole continent.
Stan:
But you're only going to eat a small, green salad.
Xev:
You heard him, LEXX. Just enough to keep you going. Just a small,
green...what?
Stan:
Salad.
Xev:
Salad.
LEXX:
A small, green salad is not enough for me to fly away at full speed.
[Meanwhile,
back on the shuttle]
Houston:
Mission Light Brigade? Mission Light Brigade?
Ridolan:
Yes, Houston?
Houston:
New information. The alien craft has left its stationary orbit on the dark side
of the moon and is now on a trajectory headed directly towards Earth, in the
vicinity of South America. We recommend you modify your
course.
Ridolan:
Yes, Houston?
Houston:
Can we speak to Commander Bricklin and Dr. Truro?
Ridolan:
Uh, they're having a little oxygen problem and are tied up in the
back.
Houston:
Can we see them?
Ridolan:
Big negative on that, Houston.
Houston:
Sorry, but we insist. We must see officers Truro and
Bricklin.
Ridolan:
Okay, but only if you really, really insist.
Houston:
we really, really insist.
Ridolan:
Okay...you asked for it. [picks up the camera and takes it with him to the back
of the cabin, where Truro and Bricklin's corpses are suspended from the ceiling
by ropes.] Smile, Truro...and you, Bricklin.
Cobra,
Ridolan and Moustapha: Cheeeeese!
Moustapha:
Look!
[The
three strap themselves in as the LEXX approaches. Cobra, having watched
Bricklin, now knows how to fly the shuttle. Triple snerk!]
Cobra:
It's working!
Ridolan:
It's coming at us real fast, Cobra. We'd better slow down.
Cobra:
No brakes. This thing has no brakes!
Ridolan:
It must have been an option.
[INT.
the LEXX Bridge]
LEXX:
Mmm. Mmm. MMMM! First a tasty snack, and then a salad. I am excited today.
[what, was LEXX channeling Rain Man or something?]
[INT.
Space Shuttle]
Ridolan:
It's the other way! It's the other way!
Moustapha:
Go back, go back! You're going to hit it!
Cobra:
Can't you see? The alien spaceship is turning with us!
[Cobra
madly turns the steering wheel (quadruple snerk!) and lays on the horn (quint--
aw, never mind), but they are swallowed by the LEXX. They crash in his stomach,
which deploys the shuttle's airbags (!!). A large metal cylinder slides up and
hits into the dashboard. It is stamped with an alien head with a red circle and
a line through it. Could it be....a bomb?]
Cobra:
Houston? Houston? Can you read me?
Moustapha
[looking at bomb]: What is that?
Ridolan
[looking at the keys around Truro and Bricklin's necks]:
Hey!
[Moustapha
removes the keys from Truro and Bricklin's necks and hands them to Ridolan, then
gets an eyeful of Bricklin's nails]
Moustapha:
Ewwww! [begins filing]
[Cobra
and Ridolan put the keys in the keyholes on the bomb's
console]
Cobra:
Ready?
[Cobra
and Ridolan turn the keys, which activates the bomb]
Moustapha:
I really think you should switch that off.
[Cobra
and Ridolan try to, but it doesn't turn off.]
Cobra:
Well, they said it would be a one-way trip.
[Commercial
break]
[EXT.
Amazon rain forest. Some eco tourists and a tour guide are in a
boat]
Tour
guide: We have contact.
Ecotourist
#1:
Oh Mother Gaia, we thank you for the gift of this divine
moment!
Tour
guide: It's beginning. We
should be able to see them with the naked eye soon.
[A
video camera is trained on a pair of brightly glowing
birds]
Ecotourist
#2 [on a cell phone]: It's really happening, honey. I'm right here in the
middle of the Amazon jungle watching the last living pair of luminescent
Paraguayan toucans doing the glowing thing. Just like on the Discovery Channel.
A bird that just a few years ago was thought to be just an Indian legend, which
I am about to capture on my own camera.
[Sound
of the LEXX landing]
Ecotourist
#2:
What was that?
Tour
guide: I don't know!
Ecotourist
#2:
Hey, you guys said this part of the jungle was totally undisturbed. In fact, you
guaranteed it!
Ecotourist
#3
[an unbilled cameo by Maury "Paw Gollean" Chaykin]: you bring those birds back
or return my 12,000 bucks!
Ecotourist
#2:
Those birds are back here in 10 minutes or you're gonna hear from my
lawyer!
[LEXX
lands and sucks up half the jungle, boat, birds, cell phones and
all.]
[EXT.
Shot of the White House.]
Anchor:
As predicted, the exit polls are confirming...
[INT.
Oval Office]
Anchor:
...That the Republican and Democratic candidates are neck and neck. But an early
curiosity is the equally strong showing for independent candidate, ware hero
Reginald J. Priest.
Davison:
Who is Reginald J. Priest?
Anchor: Reginald J. Priest is the Vietnam war
pilot show down over Laos in 1969 who hid in the jungle for the last three
decades until he turned himself into a Belgian tour bus...turned himself OVER to
a Belgian tour bus early this year.
Davison:
I don't understand this at all.
Correspondent
[who I guess is supposed to be a like a male Christiann Amanpour]: Typically we
find that voters who are frustrated with the traditional parties often express
this frustration by casting their ballots for the independents. So it may be
that this particular exit sample is telling us that Americans are very
frustrated. But I have to admit, it's certainly a first to see so many voters
support the same unknown candidate.
Anchor: No one, including us, seems to know much
about Reginald J. Priest other than the fact that he was a Vietnam War MIA. But
we remind you that this is just an early exit poll, which will likely have
little further meaning as the official results start pouring in from across the
nation.
Correspondent:
You know, Bob, I have to admit that in the privacy of the voting booth this
morning I couldn't bring myself to vote for either one. Reginald J. Priest did
hold out in the jungle for 32 years, so I put my mark beside his name.
Prince
[answering his cell phone]: This is Prince. Really?
Davison:
This could skew the results.
Prince:
Mr. President, its the National Security Council.
Davison:
Can't they leave me alone? It's the middle of election
night!
Prince:
They say the alien spacecraft has taken a big bite out of the Amazon rainforest,
leaving a large lake.
Davison:
Maybe this Priest guy will siphon off votes from Huff more than me. Maybe this
is just what I need to go over the top.
Prince:
NASA has lost contact with the Space Shuttle and thinks that the crew are
dead.
Davison:
Who cares about the stupid Space Shuttle in the middle of election
night!?!
Anchor: Results are pouring in from all over the
Eastern Time zone and...ladies and gentlemen, the computer is making a
prediction. the President of the United States of America for the next four
years will be...repeat that please? What?!? Hold on, please, we are experiencing
technical difficulties. [whispering] You know the computer's been wrong
before...
[back
to audience]...Democracy never fails to humiliate the arrogant, whether they be
experienced political pundits or politicians who have lost the faith of the
American people. The next President of
the United States of American will be independent candidate and Vietnam
War hero Reginald J. Priest.
We
will take you now live to Mr. Priest's campaign headquarters in Atlantic City,
New Jersey.
Priest:
My first official act will be to pardon President Davison for his
crimes.
Reporter:
What crimes are you referring to?
Priest:
All of them.
Davison:
Well, that's a relief.
Priest:
It's part of my policy of general amnesty for criminals who's names begin with
the letter P [I can't figure out if this guy is spoofing Ross Perot, John McCain
or George W. Bush. Maybe all three].
Reporter:
But "Davison" starts with a D.
Priest:
Both P and D then.
Davison:
The people have let me down.
Prince:
The people are human beings, Mr. President, and human beings are a flawed
species. [Ha! Finally a good Prince-ism!]
[Back
on the LEXX]
790:
Captain?
Stan:
What, 790?
790:
You don't mind if I still call you Captain, even though Xev has the
key?
Stan:
No.
790:
Do you think there's a chance my beloved dead man might prefer to be with a
dirty little love slave over a good looking, clever, passionate, will-oiled
robot head who pines for His Stiffness every second of the
day?
Stan:
I wouldn't rule it out.
790:
What?!?
Stan:
You know, I think Kai actually does prefer to be with Xev.
790:
Kill the cow, Stanley! It's the best thing you could ever do for me. When Xev
dies, the key will leave her and flow into your body and you will be captain
again.
Stan:
You know, 790, you've got a one-track mind.
790:
Thank you.
Stan:
Xev will give me the key back, I will be captain again. I know
it.
790: You won't. You can only get it out of
her by bringing her to the extreme edge of sexual ecstasy or to the moment of
death. You can't bring her to the extreme edge of sexual ecstasy because she
finds you utterly and completely repulsive. So that means you'll have to kill
her sooner or later and I would prefer sooner.
Stan:
You know, 790, sometimes Xev really does make me feel like wanting to kill her,
you see. But I'm not a psychotic robot head, so the answer is definitely
no!
790:
I'll kill her then.
Stan
[stalking off the bridge]: No, you won't.
790:
Yes I will!
Stan:
How?
790:
I'll find a way. I will!
[Enter
Cobra, Ridolan and Moustapha]
Cobra:
I'll kill her for you.
790:
You will?
Cobra:
You show me how to get the key to drive this ship, and that dirty little love
slave will be history.
790:
You're not attracted to six thousand year old dead men, are
you?
Cobra:
In what sense?
790:
In the romantic and devoted, uncontrollable, madly, passionately robot head in
love sense.
Cobra:
No.
Moustapha:
I could be.
[In
the cryochamber. Stan wakes Kai]
Stan:
790's circuits are fried, where he wants to kill Xev because he thinks you might
prefer to be with her instead of him.
Kai:
The dead do not have preferences.
Stan:
Well, the mechanically minded certainly do. And I'm afraid that if you don't
tell him he's not allowed to kill Xev he might do it.
Kai:
Do you want me to destroy 790?
Stan:
Yes. Wait...no. He's irritating, babbling all day long about you and your dead
body, but he's...
Kai:
What?
Stan:
I don't know, he's...
Kai:
Useful?
Stan:
No, uh...
Kai:
What then?
Stan:
As much as I don't like him - and I mean that when I say it - it's just that I
don't want to see him go to the scrap heap just yet, well, because he's family I
guess.
Kai:
What family?
Stan:
...Us.
[Cut
to Kai and Stan walking down the corridor]
Stan:
Kai, you've got to help me put some sense into Xev. The LEXX ate, so we should
move on.
Kai:
To where?
Stan:
To a planet where people aren't so rude.
Kai:
LEXX has eaten enough to sustain his systems for now, but he must consume far
more organic material if he is to be able to travel and distance at full
speed.
Stan:
Whoa, so what do you suggest.
Kai:
The dead do not make suggestions...normally. But there is clearly more than
sufficient organic material on the blue planet to satisfy LEXX's dietary needs.
[In
the LEXX's belly, where the group of ecotourists have come upon the space
shuttle]
Ecotourist
#1:
Isn't that the Space Shuttle?
Ecotourist
#2:
Uh huh.
[Cut
to Xev's bedroom. She's filing her nails and humming a tune. Cobra approaches
her from the shadows]
Cobra:
Xev...may I do that for you?
Xev
[startled]: Who are you?
Cobra:
I am a love slave.
Xev:
I though all love slaves were women.
Cobra:
Why?
Xev
[shrugs]: Where did you come from?
Cobra:
I've been on the LEXX for a long time. Since you first left The Cluster.
Xev:
How come I've never seen you before?
Cobra:
The LEXX is a big ship.
Xev:
It certainly is big. How did you survive?
Cobra:
I placed myself in a cell in the moth-breeding chamber...Xev, I am a love slave
[except it sounds like "Xev-ah, I am a love slave-ah], I have special needs and
very special talents.
Xev:
I definitely have special needs and very special talents. Four thousand years is
a long time.
Cobra:
Too long.
Xev:
How did you know my name?
Cobra:
A love slave has to be very careful to survive. I've been watching you for a
long time. I just could not hold out any longer. [Goes to kiss her hand, but Xev
pulls away]
Xev:
Neither can I.
[Back
on the bridge, Kai and Stan have confronted 790]
Kai:
790, promise me you will not do anything to harm Xev.
790:
My circuits are sizzling with desire! Let's run away, just the two of us. We
don't need the LEXX, we don't need oxygen. We can spend the rest of our lives in
a vacuum on that moon!
Stan:
Kai is not going to spend the rest of his "life" anywhere, because Kai is
dead!
790:
I know that. I don't have a body either. But my love is very much alive, so what
else do we need? Stan?
Stan:
What now, meat grinder?
790:
Let's talk.
Stan:
About what?
790:
Things.
Stan:
Yeah, what things?
790:
You and me...our friendship. How we both desire other people but cannot find the
fulfillment we seek. We have a lot in common.
Stan:
Ho, ho, ho, I've got nothing in common with you, pal.
Kai
[growing suspicious]: What is it, 790?
790:
What?
Kai:
There is something you're not telling us.
[790
moans]
Kai:
What?
790:
Oh, it hurts to lust for the dead!
Kai
[picks up 790]: That is not it.
790:
What is it, then?
Kai:
You tell us.
Stan:
Is it something about Xev?
Kai:
Answer!
790:
Oh...I told them everything they needed to know in order to get the key and they
agreed to kill Xev for me.
Kai:
Who?
790:
I don't know! The evil murderers who came onto the bridge. I don't care, as long
as they get rid of Xev.
[Kai
throws 790 down, and he and Stan hurry off the bridge]
[In
the galley, Xev is suggestively stroking LEXX's food tube and blue spooge shoots
out of it]
Cobra:
I have a surprise for you Xev.
Xev:
What's that?
Cobra:
I'm a bad boy.
Xev:
I don't mind.
Cobra:
No, but you don't understand, I'm a very bad boy.
Xev:
I'm a very bad girl.
Cobra: I do believe that, baby, but what I mean
is that what I intended to do was kill you to get the keys to the ship. But now
that I've seen what you looked like in the flesh, I'm going to break with my
tradition and do you first. And once I have had my complete, personal and
uniquely special satisfaction, I'm going to squeeze the breath right out of
you.
Xev:
Why are you telling me this?
Cobra:
It makes it more exciting, doesn't it?
Xev:
No!
Cobra:
Well, it does for me, baby, and that's all that counts.
Xev:
See, I'm not a baby, and yeah. Go ahead, big boy, and do me. [grabs hold of
Cobra's crotch, as I imagine any woman would do to a man who's about to kill
her. Yep.]
Cobra:
Oh, I dig, dig your clothes. They're nice. But not
perfect.
Xev:
What?
Cobra:
Ugh, your nails!
Xev:
What about them?
Cobra:
First I'm going to smooth off a few of the rough edges and when I'm satisfied
that they are as perfect as they can be, I'm going to kill
you.
Xev:
I don't think you're well. [Gee, ya think?]
Cobra:
I most definitely am not. But I promise you, you will be a
well...manicured...corpse.
[Xev
belts out healthy Cluster lizard screech, alerting Ridolan and Moustapha in the
corridor. Moustapha pulls a small silver gun from his manicure
kit.]
Cobra:
What was that?
Xev:
I'm a little more than just a love slave.
Cobra:
Yeah?
Xev:
Yeah. I'm also part Cluster lizard.
Cobra:
A what?
Xev:
A hot-tempered and very nasty animal. [Does a neat little jump in the air, back
flip, triple axle Cluster lizard thing and lands on her feet] You almost got it
right, baby. but it's me who's going to do you. And once I've got *my* complete
and personal satisfaction...I'm going to snap you in two.
[Xev
screeches again and goes down on Cobra, causing him to scream in horror or
excitement or both.]
[Back
in the corridor Stan and Kai meet up with Ridolan and
Moustapha]
Kai:
I suggest you stand behind me, Stanley.
Stan:
Why?
Kai:
As an assassin for the Divine Order, I am rather familiar with the sequence of
events now likely to occur.
Stan:
Okay.
Kai
[to Ridolan and Moustapha]: Where is Xev?
Moustapha:
You mean the dirty little love slave?
Kai:
Xev is a love slave, and also the only woman aboard this
vessel.
Ridolan:
She's about to have a...problem with her oxygen supply.
Kai:
I will not permit that.
Ridolan:
Is that right?
Kai:
Yes, that is right.
Ridolan:
You're asking for it, Paleface. And I am happy to give it to
you.
[Ridolan
and Moustapha start firing, and of course the bullets just bounce off of Kai,
who up until now didn't really have much to do in this episode except stand
there and look fuckable. He brandishes his brace and fires it. The brace tears
through Moustapha's chest, then turns around, ventilating Ridolan on the way
back before Moustapha even drops. Schweet!!]
Stan:
What happened to them?
Kai:
They're dead.
Stan:
How?
Kai
[showing Stan the brace]: Divine Assassins are very efficient
killers.
[back
in the galley]
Xev:
What was that sound?
Cobra:
What sound?
Xev:
That banging.
Cobra:
Nothing.
Xev:
You're lying.
[Cobra
pulls a gun on Xev]
Xev:
What's that thing in your hand?
Cobra:
A gun.
Xev:
What's a gun?
Cobra:
You don't know?
Xev:
No.
Cobra: A gun is the last thing you're ever
going to see. Bye-bye!
[Now
this is really cool. Cobra fires just as Stan and Kai get there. The key leaves
Xev, and flows toward Stan. Kai fires his brace, deflecting the bullet before it
can hit Xev, and on the way back to him, his brace adds a new orifice to Cobra,
who dies instantly. The key enters Stan, and all is once again right with the
universe.]
Xev:
Bye-bye...baby. [To Kai] I must have been at the edge of
death.
Kai:
The very edge. And the key knew it.
Xev:
Thank you.
Kai:
You're welcome.
Xev:
Too bad, though.
Stan:
Excuse me?
Xev:
I was hoping to have a little fun with him first.
Stan:
I don't understand you, Xev. I don't understand you at all.
Xev
[patting Stan on the shoulder as she walks away]: Mm hm.
Stan:
LEXX?
LEXX:
Yes, captain?
Stan
[smiling happily]: Who's you're captain?
LEXX:
Stan, Stan...
Stan
and LEXX: And ONLY Stan!
(Commercial break)
[In
the LEXX's belly, the ecotourists have boarded the space
shuttle.]
Ecotourist
#2: Hey! Just like my Buick Roadmaster.
Ecotourist
#1
[pointing at the bomb]: What's that?
Ecotourist
#3:
It says Department of Energy on it.
Ecotourist
#2:
Don't they make atomic bombs?
[Ker-BLAM!!!]
[Back
on the bridge]
Stan:
What was that?
Xev:
Yeah, what was that?
LEXX:
I think I must have eaten something hot.
790:
That was a 23.4-megaton nuclear explosion likely caused by the fusion of tritium
and hydrogen. Typically the most advanced weapon of type 13 planets prior to
their collapse.
Xev:
So?
Stan:
So, I'm gonna blow up that planet. LEXX can eat the chunks.
LE--
Xev:
No!
Stan:
No? What do you mean "no?" It's a type 13 planet, Xev. They just tried to blow
us up and kill us. And they are completely rude. I've seen just about enough of
this planet. Let's blast it and get out of here.
Xev:
Just because some people are bad doesn't mean the whole planet's bad. [You tell
him Xev.]
Stan:
OK, Xev. if you really, really insist, I'll agree to leave without blowing it
up, but I will not agree to stay here any longer.
Xev:
Fine. We can leave after I check it out.
Stan:
No, Xev! Why?
Xev:
Because I'm part cluster lizard, and Cluster lizards are carnivores and that
makes me have a curious nature. Besides, it may have some
potential.
Stan:
What do you have in mind?
Xev: What I have in mind is, get in the moth,
go down to Little Blue Planet and see what it's like for myself. If I like what
I see, I'll stay. If I don't, I'll leave with you. Coming?
Stan:
No!
Xev:
Okay. Will you at least wait for me, Captain?
Stan:
I might.
Xev:
OK. Will you come with me, Kai?
Kai:
If you would like.
Xev:
I would like.
790:
I'm coming too!
Xev:
No you're not.
790:
I am! I have to stand by my man!
Kai:
You will remain here with Stanley.
790:
I'd rather die a thousand deaths!
Stan:
One would do.
Xev:
Bye
Stan
[waves dismissively]: Yeah... [picks up 790] Robot, I'm going to melt you
down.
790:
How?
Stan:
I'll find a way.
[Next
we are taken to a location just outside the Milky Way, and the Potato of Doom is
headed straight for it. Now a cloud of swarming objects surrounds it. What could
they be? I guess we'll find out soon, won't we? Stay
tuned...]