P4X - Transcript

4.03 - "P4X"

Written by Paul Donovan and ? (the credits didn't say)

Transcribed by Sarcasmagoria (Cassie)

DISCLAIMER: LEXX IS THE PROPERTY OF THE BEANS AND SALTER STREET. NO MONEY IS BEING MADE FROM THIS; IT'S JUST FOR FUN. MAY HIS DIVINE LAWYERS NOT FALL UPON ME.

Starring:

Michael McManus as Kai

Xenia Seeberg as Xev

Brian Downey as Stanley H. Tweedle

Jeffrey Hirschfield as the voice of 790

Tom Gallant as the voice of the LEXX

Nigel Bennett as Prince

Also featuring:

Craig Charles as The Warden

Hattie Hayridge as Sub-Warden Heidi

Lauren Adams as Lomia (Yay!)

Walter Borden as Dr. Ernst Longbore

Geoff Herod as The Missionary

Ryan Cooley as Digby

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I was unable to transcribe last weeks episode because closed captioning wasn't working (I hear just fine, but don't always catch what everyone is saying. Even with repeated rewinds they just talk too fast and too garbled and I want to present as accurate a transcript as I can or not at all). So here is a brief description of what happened with each character, which bears on today's episode:

BTW, this is the one with Chris "Agent Spender" Owens. He plays a Red Shirt who along with another astronaut is transporting Prince to the LEXX via Space Shuttle for mayhem. Anyway…

-Xev-

After evading a trio of stealth fighters trying to destroy the moth, she is forced to jump from the moth after it is drawn by instinct to a flame jet on top of a smokestack at an oil refinery and catches itself on fire. After walking for along the road for a while, she sees a man hitchhiking and eventually getting a ride from someone and decides to do it herself. She is picked up by a young, cornpone cutie named Rooster (Jim Fowler, who looks more like Gary Sinise than Gary Sinise does), a feller with a shotgun and some serious abandonment issues. Rooster proposes marriage after a few beers and Xev agrees, presumably thinking that it's as good a way as any to get laid. When Rooster refuses to have sex with her before marriage ("because this is Texas, ma'am.") she accepts the advances of his three friends. Rooster becomes insanely jealous and in the morning, confronts his friends. A big shootout ensues, and Rooster as well as his friends are all killed. Xev is arrested for the crime and hauled off to prison. What we learned in this episode is that Xev is not above playing the ditzy bimbo card if it gets her laid.

-Kai-

After urging Xev to jump from the moth before it crashes, Kai flies off in an attempt to land in a way that minimizes the damage to the moth. He is unsuccessful and the moth is totaled. Three geeky UFOlogists, who were monitoring the battle with the stealth fighters from a high-tech trailer with so much sexy computer equipment I half expected Crazy Eddie Nambulous to show up, happen upon the moth and video tape it; paying special attention to the iris symbol of the Divine Order. They eventually see Kai walking down the road and say they'll help him find Xev. He hitches a ride with them back to their base in an abandoned warehouse. He meets the group's leader, Dr. Ernst Longbore (played by Walter Borden, who played the voice of His Divine Shadow and the Giga Shadow in the 4 movies, as well as The Wozzard in "Woz"). Longbore is a Stephen Hawking-esque disgraced genius that - along with his followers (presumably students or something) - was trying to find a way to leave Earth, as he is sure that scientists will destroy it trying to find the mass of the Higgs boson. The group was transmitting Hail Mary signals into space hoping to be contacted by benign aliens who would help them, and he believes Kai is that benign alien. He shows Kai several slides of paintings and other artwork containing the same symbol as the Divine Order's iris, and says that each time it appeared over thousands of years, it was associated with death. Kai is particularly interested in a painting featuring a hooded figure with the iris on his/her robe. He agrees to help the group leave Earth in exchange for their help in finding Xev.

-Stan/Prince-

Stan didn't have much to do, and we all know what can happen if Stan gets bored. Just for something to do, he gets the LEXX to blow up Pluto. Prince shows up on the bridge, and Stan recognizes him immediately, but he claims he doesn't know who Stan is talking about and that he is Isambard Prince, head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Stan is not convinced, but is easily swayed when Prince promises him he can have whatever he wants if he doesn't destroy Earth. Stan wants money, power, women (of course) and a puppy. Prince says the puppy may not be doable and handcuffs Stan. Stan tells the LEXX to make a hard right, knocking Prince off of the bridge. He grabs onto the edge and hangs on for dear life, begging Stan not to kill him. Prince, it appears, is mortal. Or at least he believes he is. Stan tries to wheedle a few perks out of him before pulling him back, and 790 knocks Stan off the bridge using his little card. Prince uses Stan - who's hanging from a beam - as a stepladder to get back onto the bridge. Prince takes Stan and a moth down to Earth, and Stan is imprisoned on the same wall as Digby, the little kid we met briefly in the first episode.

Now on with the show…

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This is a (more or less) word for word transcription of the episode P4X. My (sometimes extraneous) comments are in [brackets]. There were a lot of scene changes in this episode, so I attempted to format it as close to an actual script as I know how in order to make it easier to read. And I don't really know how, so please don't laugh. :)

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[INT. The ATF's secret underground headquarters in Washington DC. STAN and DIGBY are chained to the wall.]

DIGBY: What was your crime?

STAN: Not flying as far away as I could from this stupid planet when I had the chance.

DIGBY: In your big dragonfly?

STAN: The LEXX.

DIGBY: Why didn’t you?

STAN: Because I'm stupid, okay?

DIGBY: I wish I could fly away from this planet. Will you take me with you when you go?

STAN [ignoring DIGBY and shouting down]: Tell Prince I want to talk to him! Tell him I am very uncomfortable. He's made his point, and I'm willing to make a deal!

DIGBY: Stanley?

STAN: Tell him Stanley H. Tweedle is a practical man!

DIGBY: What kind of deal?

STAN [to DIGBY]: Look. No offense, okay, but I don't like children. We're stuck up here beside each other for now, so I will agree not to bug you if you agree not to bug me. Okay?

DIGBY: Okay. [Starts to cry]

STAN [yelling down]: I am in agony here! Tell Prince I want to see him right now!

[PRINCE is watching STAN and DIGBY from the far end of the room. He reaches up and squeezes his thumb and forefinger together in a Kids in the Hall "I'm Crushing Your Head" gesture on Stan and smiles smugly.]

[Cue opening credits]

[INT. The State of Texas Prison for Women (aka "P4X"). XEV is being escorted into the intake office by two guards. SUB-WARDEN HEIDI (Hattie Hayridge aka Holly from "Red Dwarf") is checking her in.]

HEIDI: You're the one who killed the four guys at the Lilliput Trailer Park, right? [That fake Texas drawl was painful to hear. What is it with LEXX and really bad accents this season?]

XEV: I didn't kill anyone.

HEIDI: I believe you. Name?

XEV: Xev.

HEIDI: Xev what?

XEV: Xev Bellringer of B3K.

HEIDI: Is B3K in Texas?

XEV: No.

HEIDI: Where is it, then?

XEV: B3K is another planet. Far away from here.

HEIDI: Ain't no space on this form for other planets. [Xev leans over to look and Heidi shoos her away. The two guards grab Xev and drag her back.]

XEV: All I know is I'm from the planet B3K. I don't know where on it, exactly.

HEIDI: Okay, let's make this easy. Did you grow up in a city, a town or in the countryside?

XEV: I grew up in a box.

HEIDI: That'd be Houston, then.

XEV: How long do I have to stay here?

HEIDI: Oh, I'd say about…25 years to life. That's 25 of our "Earth" years.

[HEIDI takes a pair of panties in a plastic bag and places them on the desk in front of XEV.]

XEV: What's that for?

HEIDI: That's a fresh pair of panties for you to put on. It don't matter if you like them or not. You won't be wearing them long.

[INT. Another room with some A/V equipment. XEV is on a TV screen. Looking at the screen hungrily is LOMIA. Yes, * that * LOMIA. She begins to kiss, lick and generally do rude things to XEV'S image onscreen. You know, the kinds of rude things * we * do to the TV during KAI scenes.]

[EXT. The outside of a multicolored adobe house. A frocked missionary (Geoff Herod aka Brock from "Gametown") is doing some door to door soul savin' and knocks on the door. LOMIA - who is heard but not seen - answers the door.]

MISSONARY: Do you have joy in your life?

LOMIA: No.

MISSIONARY: I would like to give you a life of joy. [Holds up a book titled, yep, A Life Of Joy. That's it, from now on this kid will be known as Life of Joy Boy, since the character was ever actually named.]

LOMIA [angrily]: I was asleep. You woke me up. That does not make my life joyful.

LIFE OF JOY BOY: But it's three o'clock in the afternoon.

LOMIA: I prefer to sleep during the day.

LOJB: Why?

LOMIA: Because that's when people like you are awake. [Grabs the front of LOJB's frock and drags him in the door.]

[INT. ATF HQ. STAN and DIGBY are hanging out and bonding. Geddit? Hanging out and…:::crickets chirping::: Ahem…]

STAN: Okay. So where are you from?

DIGBY: Sulphur, Louisiana.

STAN: Huh?

DIGBY: I'm from Sulphur, Louisiana.

STAN: Oh. Oh! Is it a nice place?

DIGBY: No.

STAN: Oh. Too bad.

DIGBY: So where are you from?

STAN: Well…I'm from Ostral B, actually.

DIGBY: Ostral B?

STAN. Yeah. I was a hero there. [snarf!] But that's in the Light Universe, you know. That's a different universe from this one. This is the Dark Universe. The last planet I was on was the Cluster. That was the capital of the League of 20,000 planets.

DIGBY: What did you do there?

STAN: Security.

DIGBY: What kind of security? Was it dangerous?

STAN: Dangerous. [Laughs] I laugh in the face of danger. [Somebody get a shovel!]

[INT. A large adjoining office where PRINCE is watching the conversation on a large monitor.]

DIGBY [Onscreen]: Did you capture space criminals?

STAN: Yeah, something like that.

PRINCE: Oh Stanley, Stanley, Stanley…

STAN: You don’t get to be the captain of the most powerful vessel in the Two Universes without having gone through quite a few difficult situations.

[INT. Main room, on the wall.]

DIGBY: Wow! They put me here because I saw your spaceship go behind the moon with my telescope. What's it like?

STAN: Well, it's like a big bug, really, except with mechanical parts. And it's the most powerful destructive force ever built.

DIGBY: Who owns it?

STAN: Well, I guess you can say I do. Stanley H. Tweedle.

DIGBY: How do you control it?

STAN: It's kind of hard to explain, really. Look, this is a type 13 planet and you people are nowhere near my level of mental advancement.

DIGBY: I guess not.

STAN: But I'll try to put it as simply as I can. I control the LEXX with a key. A key that lives inside me, and only me.

DIGBY: Forever and ever?

STAN: Forever and ever. As long as I'm alive, anyway.

[INT. Office. PRINCE is chuckling and forming a plan.]

STAN [Onscreen]: So I flew down here in a moth.

DIGBY: Like the kind that flies around at night?

PRINCE [Singing to the tune of "The Star Spangled Banner"] Oh, Stanley Tweedle…

STAN: Yeah, except ours are big enough to carry passengers.

PRINCE [singing] I am feeling…

DIGBY: Prince isn't a very nice man.

PRINCE: Evil.

STAN: You know, I don't even know if Prince is a man. He used to be the evil ruler of this really evil planet called Fire. He would just die over and over again. And each time he would come back the same as before, only more evil.

PRINCE: Tweet, tweet, Tweedle…

[Commercial break]

[INT. DR. LONGBORE'S warehouse headquarters. A young woman (who appears to have the hots for KAI, smart cookie) is attempting to establish contact with 790 on the LEXX at KAI'S request.]

WOMAN: What frequency should I use?

KAI: It doesn't matter.

WOMAN: Why not?

KAI: 790 listens to all frequencies. He will respond to the sound of my voice.

WOMAN: Really?

KAI [Speaking into a microphone]: 790?

790 [Who appears on a computer monitor]: Oh breath of death! Breathe life into me again!

KAI: 790 has an affinity for dead men. [Don't we all!]

790: Just one stiff, and he is the stiffest!

KAI: May I speak to Stanley?

790: Why would you want to?

KAI: 790 please tell Stanley I would like to talk to him.

790: Sadly, you cannot.

KAI: Why not?

790: He is gone.

KAI: Where?

790: Down to the Earth with Prince.

KAI: The same Prince who ruled the planet Fire?

790: He looked the same and he was just as evil. He said his name was Isambard Prince.

[DR. LONGBORE and THE GEEKS look around, alarmed. Hmm. "Dr. Longbore and The Geeks" would make a cool name for a punk band.]

KAI: Where did he take Stanley?

790: Out of my sight and away from you, which is entirely excellent. From my point of view.

LONGBORE: Isambard Prince is a truly evil man and the head of a truly evil organization: the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

KAI [to LONGBORE]: Where would I find him?

LONGBORE: In Washington DC.

KAI: What is Washington DC?

LONGBORE: The capitol city of this country.

[KAI starts to walk away but LONGBORE seizes his arm.]

LONGBORE: Where are you going?!?

KAI: To find Stan and Xev.

790: Kai? Kai? Don’t leave me, we have so much more to talk about! Kai? Talk to me, Kai! Kai?!? Kai!!!! [Oh, shut UP!]

[Kai walks to the door and opens it as if to leave.]

LONGBORE: You promised to help us leave this planet. The dead clearly do not keep their promises. [Oh, now don't YOU star with the "dead do not" crap!]

[KAI thinks for a moment, then reconsiders and walks back to the mike.]

KAI: 790?

790: Yes, beloved blackness?

KAI: I want you to search all electromagnetic signals on this planet for something that will help me locate Stan and Xev.

790: I can't.

KAI: Why not?

790: I'm too busy dreaming of you!

KAI: Do you love me, 790?

790: Madly!

KAI: Then you will do as I say and help me find 790. [Ah, so the dead are not above using emotional blackmail.]

790: Oh, all right. But under protest!

KAI: And 790, I want you to tell these people everything they need to know in order to leave this planet in the way they want. [Group cheers.]

[Okay, let's take a break for a moment. This is the THIRD time in one scene that KAI has said either "I want" or "I would like." Okay, so it's not like he's calling for a group hug or anything, but I'm still interested in where the Beans are going with this. I can understand a continuity error or three, but they've had years to get to know this character, he's said it THREE TIMES in one scene, AND apparently MM didn't pitch a bitch about it, so this is NOT a continuity error. They're up to something. Ponderous, I tell you.

Anyway, moving on…]

790: You could have asked me to do something difficult, at least!

LONGBORE: We will need to leave this planet in the next few months. Teach us how to build a vessel capable of carrying us safely to another life bearing planet.

790: You can't build one.

LONGBORE: But you just said through Kai that it was not difficult.

790: Of course it's not difficult and of course you can't build it because this is a type 13 planet in its final stage. You simply do not have the technology to create such a vessel. However, you do have the rough technology to build big machines which can build smaller machines which can build the tiny machines capable of constructing the vessel you need.

[INT. P4X shower area. XEV and some other inmates are taking showers. XEV hangs up her lizard skin, all the time being watched by two rather, ehem, burly female guards.]

HEIDI: You do a good job, now.

[The shower scene continues, maximized for premium boy-wank.]

HEIDI: That's enough. [Holds up a pair of panties]

XEV: I want to wear my own clothes.

HEIDI: One does not get to wear what one wants in the Texas prison system.

[XEV angrily snatches the panties and her orange prison jump suit and stalks off.]

[INT. LEXX bridge. 790 has located STAN and is watching him talk to DIGBY on the LEXX's view screen.]

STAN: Anyway, so I was saying. Prince stole a moth and flew us down here.

DIGBY: How?

STAN: Well, moths aren't that hard to fly, really. You just point the joystick where you want and off you go.

790: Ewwwww…

[INT. LONGBORE'S headquarters}

790 [Onscreen}: Oh black and beautiful?

KAI: What is it, 790?

790: My good deed for the day [790 shows KAI the feed of STAN hanging on the wall via the monitor].

STAN [Onscreen]: We flew down in a moth. We flew into a little red building and then underground and then they took me out and put me up here beside you.

DIGBY: Where's your moth shuttle now?

STAN: I don't know. Somewhere right around here, I hope.

KAI: Thank you, 790. What is Stanley's location?

790: I don’t know. Somewhere on that stupid planet.

KAI: Where, exactly?

790: I don't know. I suppose I could trace the signal and find out. Eventually. If I really had to. But I would have to analyze endless possibilities, which is just a huge waste of time.

KAI: 790, waste the time and inform me of Stanley Tweedle's precise location as soon as you have determined it.

[INT. ATF HQ. Prince is up on a cherry picker and talking to STAN and DIGBY.]

PRINCE [To STAN]: Hello, Captain.

STAN: Finally!

PRINCE: Finally, what?

STAN: Finally I get off this wall. It's been really uncomfortable, you know.

PRINCE: Sadly, for you at least, I am not here to release you. At least not in the way that you would like. Now who should I drop to his death first? The security guard fourth class or the pathetic little science student?

STAN: Drop the pathetic little science student!

PRINCE: Perhaps, but not quite yet. First there is an experiment I want to try with you, Stanley.

STAN: An ex…experiment?

PRINCE: Yes, Stanley. You have the key to the LEXX, I want it.

STAN: No way, pal.

PRINCE: Yes way, Stanley. Because the only way I can be 100 percent certain that when the LEXX will leave this planet I will be on board is for me to have the key.

STAN: So you want to make a deal?

PRINCE: No, I want to kill you. And at your moment of death - in theory, anyway - the key will fly from your hand and into mine. And I am about to test that theory right now by removing your supports and dropping you to your death on the concrete floor below. [Presses a button on a small control panel, removing the restraints from STAN'S ankles. He presses another button and the restraints are removed from STAN'S and DIGBY'S wrists.]

DIGBY: No!

PRINCE: Why?

DIGBY: You can't kill him! He's an Ostral B hero!

PRINCE: Is he now?

STAN: Yeah! And the key might go into him instead of you.

PRINCE: Precisely, and that is why he's a very important part of this experiment. Because if the key does go into him, I shall press a second button and drop the pathetic little science student to his death.

STAN: The key still won't go into you.

PRINCE: We'll see.

STAN: It won't go into you because it can't.

PRINCE: Why not?

STAN: Because you're not alive. The key can only go into someone who's really alive and that means it's gonna find someone else.

PRINCE: I think I'm really alive.

STAN: But you're not sure, are ya?

PRINCE: Perhaps. Still this is an awfully good way to find out.

[PRINCE presses the last button on the control panel and STAN'S foot supports move back into the wall. Back on the LEXX, 790 is performing calculations and finds the frequency just as STAN begins to fall. A set of restraints clamps shut and Stan grabs hold of them. The key flies from his hand and circles around PRINCE, avoiding him and flowing into DIGBY instead.]

[Commercial break]

[INT. P4X classroom. HEIDI and THE WARDEN (Craig Charles aka Lister from "Red Dwarf") are standing in front of a blackboard while the guards are sitting on benches with notepads and pencils.]

WARDEN [reading from a clipboard]: "My name is--" just pick a name from the list. Tiffany, Melanie, it doesn't matter. "I am sixteen years old, with blue eyes and blonde hair."

HEIDI: Or "green eyes and red hair." They like that, too.

WARDEN [Reading]: "I am a junior in high school. I have no boyfriend because I study all the time--"

INMATE: How do you spell "school?"

WARDEN: S-C-H-O-O-L. And look, don't worry about the spelling. Do you think they read the letters? All they want is your panties to do whatever it is they…I don't really want to think about it. All you need to know is, the inmates in this facility will not receive clean underwear until they've turned in their dirty ones with one of these nice little letters attached. Am I making myself clear? Good. Now where was I?

HEIDI: "I have no boyfriend."

WARDEN: "I have no boyfriend, because I study all the time to get good grades." Ha! Which is something none of you ever did. Anyway, "Some day I want to fall in love with a strong and handsome businessman with lots and lots of money."

[LOMIA slinks in, eyeing up XEV.]

LOMIA [To Xev]: You're pretty. [To WARDEN] You're sick!

WARDEN: I'm learning to live with it. What do you want, my beloved darling daughter?

LOMIA [looking at XEV]: Who's she?

HEIDI: That's Xev of B3K. She's from another planet.

WARDEN: And she's already killed 4 people, so don't get too close. [Turns back to clipboard] "I hope you enjoy my panties. They are my favorite pair, which my mother gave me on my birthday. I only wore them once. I like to make people happy. Love," Tiffany, Melanie, Jessica…whatever.

HEIDI: Off with your panties! [All inmates except XEV get up to remove their panties. HEIDI walks up to her] Well?

XEV [Sullenly]: Well, what?

HEIDI: Underwear, please.

WARDEN: She hasn't written anything down! [To XEV] You haven't written anything down! Look at the paper, it's completely blank!

XEV [Standing up]: I'm leaving, so goodbye. [Pushes past HEIDI and THE WARDEN and stalks toward the door.]

HEIDI [calmly]: If only it were that easy. [Blows whistle and guards come to the door]. Put her in the hole. That filly needs to be broken.

[THE GUARDS drag off XEV, who was just sort of standing there waiting to be dragged. LOMIA follows.]

WARDEN [About LOMIA]: Whatever goes on in that girl's mind comes entirely from your side of the family.

HEIDI: She's no daughter of mine. She comes from some kind of parallel universe. [I LOVE this line.]

WARDEN: And you don’t?

[THE GUARDS haul XEV down a stairwell. Once she realizes where she's being taken, she wigs. And justifiably, as someone who spent most of her life locked in a box would not be overjoyed at the idea of going back to one. She is thrown into a cell and starts screaming in anger. [And in an obvious parody of "women in prison" movies too, I might add.

I don't know how crazy I am about this new passive XEV. She was great in "Little Blue Planet, but after that…bleah. She needs to get in touch with her inner lizard, and soon.]

[INT. ATF HQ. Stan is hanging precariously from the wall as PRINCE looks on.]

PRINCE [fiddling with the control panel]: Doesn't seem to be working. Nevertheless, the first part of my little experiment is now complete. The key has left you, Stanley, but unfortunately has transferred itself to the pathetic little science student instead of me. However, before I can start the second part of my experiment, which is to drop that science student to his death, perhaps I'll have to cut you down, first. After all, we don't want the key to return to you, now do we?

STAN: Please, Prince. Please, I'll do anything you want!

DIGBY: I'll do it.

STAN: Hey, kid! We're friends, right?

DIBGY: I'll cut his fingers off.

PRINCE: Why do you want to?

DIGBY: I don't know. I just do for some reason. Please, Mr. Prince. I want to kill him.

STAN: Hey, hey, hey! Sulphur, Louisiana! Ostral B! Remember?

PRINCE: What a bad choice, I think I rather like him.

[PRINCE moves the cherry picker over to DIGBY and pulls him onto the platform. A spring-loaded knife shoots from DIGBY'S wristwatch and he uses it to stab PRINCE. Pretty cool, huh?]

STAN: Atta boy!

[PRINCE screams and falls to his death. DIGBY lowers the cherry picker but doesn't free STAN. The little shit.]

STAN: Hey, I was kidding! I really do like children!

[DIGBY ignores him and sets the cherry picker on the ground. he goes over to PRINCE and starts rifling through his pockets. He pulls out a small water bottle on a chain (yes, *that * water bottle and PRINCE'S ID key card. He takes the card and pockets it.]

DIGBY: Looks like your nice little science student isn't so pathetic after all. [Runs to the door]

STAN: Hey, kid! Kid, come on back and get me down from here! I can't hold on here!

[DIGBY ignores STAN and uses PRINCE'S key card to open the door, then he runs out.]

[INT. P4X solitary confinement cell. XEV is sleeping. The door to her cell opens and a woman starts caressing her face. The woman's hand clamps down on XEV's mouth and she wakes up.]

[INT. ATF HQ]

STAN: Okay, okay. [Removes one of his boots, trying to hit the controls on the cherry picker. He misses on the first try.] Come on, Stan, you can do it, Stan. Okay, okay, okay. [Removes his other boot and throws it down. This one makes it and the cherry picker begins to rise.] Nice booty, nice booty. [STAN jumps onto the cherry picker and lowers it, snickering.] You can't fool Stanley! [He steps off of the cherry picker and walks smugly over to PRINCE, who's lying on his back with a runner of blood coming out of his mouth.] So, you were mortal after all. Ha, ha, ha, weren't ya, Prince?

[PRINCE'S eyes snap open]

PRINCE: Don't be so sure, Stanley. However, now I do better understand the meaning of the word "pain." Stanley, we must stop the boy. [PRINCE sits up with some difficulty.]

STAN: We?

PRINCE: Yes. You and me. The boy intends t steal the LEXX from the two of us.

STAN: He intends to escape with me.

PRINCE: Stanley, you are a fool! Why don't you listen to someone who knows human nature better than you?

STAN: Bye, Prince. I'm outta here.

PRINCE: Where are you going?

STAN: As far away from you as I can get.

PRINCE: How? I know where the moth is. Do you?

[Commercial break #6,198,473,017]

[INT. A large dark room. XEV is sitting in the middle of the room with a spotlight trained on her.]

VOICE: Tell us your story.

XEV: I am Xev Bellringer.

[EXT. Space. The LEXX does a fly by.]

[INT. LEXX bridge. 790 is tracking the source of Xev's signal on the Internet.]

XEV [cont'd]: My story? After I was abandoned by my parents as a child, I grew up in a box on the planet B3K, which is in the Light Universe.

[INT. LONGBORE'S headquarters. A Web site with a live feed of XEV'S monologue appears on a laptop monitor. This here has convinced me that LEXX is pure fantasy, because no live Webcam feed would EVER be this clear. EVER.]

790 [on PC monitor]: I found it, but it's everywhere.

KAI: Where?

790: Everywhere. It's all over the planet.

WOMAN: It's an Internet site called "P4X."

LONGBORE: The Internet is a communications network. "P4X" is a famous site.

XEV [onscreen]: But the Light Universe doesn't exist anymore. It was destroyed by drone arms under the control of the evil bio-vizier Mantrid.

On the Cluster, I was sentenced to become a love slave. I was given a beautiful body and programmed to fall in love with the first man I saw. But the operation went wrong. I got the body, but the robot head 790 got the mental programming I was supposed to get. And now he is totally in love with a dead man, Kai.

790: And proud of it!

KAI: Where does it come from?

WOMAN: No one knows.

LONGBORE: P4X is a bandit site.

WOMAN: Every time it appears, it has a different address. [My goddess, their registration fees must be ASTRONOMICAL!]

XEV: …through physical love, but I never get the chance. Every time I get close to love, something goes wrong. [Gets a little weepy.] I'm not a love slave; I'm a loveless slave. I have a perfect body, but I can't find myself a man. I thought I loved Kai, and maybe I still do…

KAI: 790, locate the origin of that signal.

790: Okay, okay. I'll try.

XEV [crying]:…when I go to sleep, I dream of finding myself hot and wet and naked in bed with a strong and…well-equipped man. [That sound you just heard was Joe Lieberman's head exploding.]

790: There!

KAI: Where?

790: I don't know. Somewhere very close to where you are now in the Earth state of Texas. That's the best I can do.

XEV: All I know is…

KAI: Thank you, 790. [Goes to leave]

LONGBORE: Will you be back?

KAI: Perhaps. [Leaves]

XEV: Some day…I will find him. [Sobbing] I will find him…[OK, no one understands sexual frustration and unrequited love better than me, but a needy, dependent XEV is not a good XEV. QED.]

[INT. A hallway at ATF HQ. An agent is patrolling. DIGBY sees him and starts pretending to cry.]

DIGBY: I can't find my father! I can't find my father!

AGENT: What's wrong, son?

DIGBY: I lost my father. He was here and I was with him but now I can't find him.

AGENT: What's your father's name?

[DIGBY holds up PRINCE'S key card. Alarmed THE AGENT jumps up and grabs for the phone on the wall.]

[INT. Prison room.]

STAN [Has his arm around a limping PRINCE, helping him walk]: Why am I doing this? You're the most evil person I ever met. I can't believe I'm helping you.

PRINCE [Rooting around in his pockets]: Sometimes, Stanley, in order to help yourself you have to help others…he must have taken it.

STAN: What?

PRINCE: My key card. That’s how he got out.

[INT. Corridor. DIGBY grabs the agent's gun.]

AGENT: Hey, that's not a toy, kid!

DIGBY: My father went into the room where the special secret space moth is kept. Where is it?!

AGENT: Give me the gun and I'll tell you.

DIGBY: You tell me where the moth is and I'll give it to you.

AGENT: Back down this way until you hit room A1. Now give it to me.

[DIGBY starts pumping bullets into THE AGENT, killing him.]

DIGBY: You asked for it.

[DIGBY runs down the hall and into two more AGENTS. He pretends to cry again, but the agents run past him to their fallen comrade. DIGBY shoots them in the back, collects their guns and runs back down the hallway. Man, I just *knew * this kid was bad news! But then if I had gone through what they put this kid through, I'd be capping a few ATF asses myself.]

[INT. Prison room.]

STAN: So what do we do now?

PRINCE: We wait for him to find the moth.

STAN: What good is that gonna do us?

PRINCE: The moth is here, Stanley.

STAN: Here? Where?

PRINCE: Over there. In that corner. [Points]

STAN: Then why did we try to open the door.

PRINCE: To get help.

STAN: Oh, for yourself, right? Not for me because if the moth was already here I didn't need to go anywhere, did I.

[PRINCE smirks.]

STAN: Oh, you really are so evil! [Drops PRINCE, who lets out a cry of pain.]

[DIGBY is seen running along a catwalk in the prison room. He picks up a plastic bag full of guns (that just *happened * to be sitting there).]

[INT. LOMIA'S "studio." LOMIA is playing around, kissing and tonguing a camera lens. XEV is lying on a mattress in a white bra and granny panties and is being chained down by four inmates. She is struggling and screaming in rage.]

LOMIA'S FRIEND: We just past 10 million logins! That's the best ever. [The 'Net geek in me is laughing herself into a nosebleed at the idea of any Web server that can handle that kind of traffic.]

LOMIA: She's the best ever. Give it to her. [Walks over to Xev and sits down.]

XEV: What?

LOMIA [stroking XEV'S forehead]: The missionary. [Licks at XEV'S mouth. That "boing" sound you heard was an audience full of guys getting simultaneous wood.]

[EXT. Street corner. KAI breaks into a newspaper dispenser and takes a tabloid-ish paper with XEV'S picture on the front page. He hands the paper to a boy walking by.]

KAI: Could you read this for me, please?

BOY: What part?

KAI: Any part.

BOY [Reading]: "Dallas Bugle, $1.50, the most read paper in Texas."

KAI [taking back the paper]: Thank you, that is all I need. I can read the rest myself now.

BOY: You're weird, Mister. [Oh yeah? Well, you're UGLY!]

KAI: The dead…are weird. [Oh my, this dear child needs to learn some snaps ASAP!]

[INT. LOMIA's studio/playpen. A curtain is pulled back to reveal a man tied to a cross and dressed in fetish gear. It's LOJB, and he doesn't seem overjoyed (can't imagine why). On the monitor we see the camera zoom in on his crotch, which is emblazoned with a little heart patch. Nice codpiece, but not as nice as *the * codpiece.]

[INT. WARDEN and HEIDI'S bedroom. WARDEN is watching LOMIA'S show on TV, but doesn't yet realize that she's involved.]

HEIDI: Why do you watch that?

WARDEN: Because it's more exciting than anything that happens in this marriage.

HEIDI: Nothing exciting ever happens in this marriage.

WARDEN: We must have had *some * excitement.

HEIDI: I don't remember it.

WARDEN: Nor do I.

[I dunno. They're okay, but they're no Roda and Hidea.]

WARDEN: But our beloved darling daughter had to come about somehow. [XEV appears onscreen]. That's her!

HEIDI: Who?

WARDEN: The new prisoner. Xev of R2D2.

HEIDI: That's not possible, I put Xev of B3K in the hole. [Gets an eyeful of LOJB's crotch, which fills the TV screen.] That's impressive.

[A smiling LOMIA appears onscreen.]

WARDEN: That's Lomia!

HEIDI: Who?

WARDEN: Our beloved darling daughter who sleeps all day and says she does nothing all night! This is what she really does!

[HEIDI and WARDEN jump out of bed. Commercial break.]

[INT. Corridor, ATF HQ. DIGBY is holding two AGENTS and the three are standing by a door marked "A1."]

DIGBY: Unlock it!

AGENT #1: No! [DIGBY shoots him.]

DIGBY [to AGENT #2]: Open it!

[AGENT #2 complies and the door opens.]

DIGBY: This isn't it! I was already in this room. Where is the moth?!

AGENT #2: It's over there, in the back corner behind the supports. You can just see it.

DIGBY [calmly shoots AGENT #2]: Thanks. [Wow, this kid *is * totally evil. I don't know if I want to strangle him or adopt him.]

[DIGBY runs into the room and sees STAN.]

DIGBY: Stanley.

STAN: Digby! You came back!

[DIGBY pulls a gun from his little shopping bag and starts shooting at STAN. The bullets bounce off the floor at STAN'S feet. DIGBY runs out of bullets, but before he can pull out another gun and start shooting, STAN runs behind a wall. DIGBY climbs aboard the moth.]

[EXT. Prison. KAI is standing in front of it.]

[INT. Prison office. A fax prints out ordering XEV'S release. KAI walks in the front door and raises his brace arm to do that voodoo that he does so well, but HEIDI and WARDEN walk up before he has to.]

HEIDI [unlocking the bars]: Lomia! [To KAI] The prison's closed, nothing's open 'til 8, you better come back later.

KAI: I am looking for Xev of B3K.

WARDEN: So are we.

HEIDI: Are you a relation?

KAI: No. I must see her now.

[KAI tries to enter the office, but WARDEN stops him.]

WARDEN: It's not that easy, matey boy. [Matey boy??] She's being held for murder.

KAI: Did she kill anyone?

HEIDI [Pulling the fax off of the machine]: I guess not. This fax is ordering her release.

[WARDEN walks back to the fax machine with KAI in tow.]

HEIDI [To KAI] You look weird!

KAI: I am dead. [*Sigh * OK, hon, repeat after me: "yer mama's so fat she's got stretch marks on her birth certificate." There now, that wasn't so bad, was it, Dollface?]

WARDEN: What do you want Xev for?

KAI: To assist her in leaving.

HEIDI: Leaving Texas??

KAI: Leaving this planet.

HEIDI [exasperated]: Lomia!!

[KAI tries to follow, but WARDEN stops him.]

WARDEN: Hold it steady, matey boy. No one comes in off the street and leaves with an inmate. [KAI hold his brace against WARDEN'S throat.] Until now.

[INT. ATF HQ. DIGBY takes off in the moth. Stan is trying to open a door with no luck.]

PRINCE: Don’t just stand there, Stanley. He'll take the LEXX and leave without us.

STAN: Hey, kid! Stop! You can't fly the LEXX without me!

DIGBY: You said all I needed was the key to fly it. And I have the key, right?

STAN: Yeah, but you need me. You won't know what to do! You need my superior intellect. You can't leave me; I'm an Ostral B hero!

DIGBY [salutes]: I salute you, Ostral B hero! [The moth squawks, startling him.]

STAN: You can't leave me here on this stupid planet! You can't leave me here with Prince!

Prince: Quickly, Stanley!

STAN: What?

PRINCE: The blue button on the panel near the door!

STAN: What about it?

PRINCE: Press it! Now!

[STAN presses the button, causing the roof to start closing up.]

DIGBY: I am the captain of the LEXX! I control the most powerful weapon ever built, and I am leaving this planet forever! [Roof closes completely] I am the captain of the…no…no! [Screams as the moth hits the roof, knocking DIGBY out of it. He falls to the concrete below. SPLAT!!! The key, having left DIGBY when he started to fall, heads toward PRINCE but once again avoids him and flows into STAN.]

[INT. LOMIA's studio. A whimpering LOJB is being lowered onto XEV.]

LOJB: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

XEV: About what?

LOJB: About being forced to do this to you.

XEV: You're not doing it to me, they are. Think of it that way. And…I don't really mind.

LOJB [sobbing]: Okay…

XEV: Now what?

LOJB: I wanted to stay faithful to Snugga Wuzza.

XEV: Who's Snugga Wuzza? [What were The Beans smoking when they came up with *that * name?]

LOJB: She's in the front row of the choir. I know she don't see me now, but every night I pray that some day she'll be my bride! [Sobs]

XEV: Yeah?

LOJB: I wanted to save myself for her, and give her a life of joy!

[INT. ATF HQ. Several agents come running up to STAN and pull their guns on him.]

INT. LOMIA'S studio. KAI, HEIDI and WARDEN enter.]

XEV: Kai!

KAI: Xev.

WARDEN [leans down and pulls the mask off of LOJB]: Who are you?

LOJB: I was doing my mission, spreading a life of joy.

HEIDI: What is this sick business you've got going on here?

LOJB: I was abducted by her! [Indicates LOMIA] Along with the rest of them.

WARDEN: The rest of who?

LOJB: Up there! Up there!

[HEIDI and WARDEN look up at the landing in shock. The camera pans over a bunch of buff (and not so buff) men in fetish gear and tied to poles.]

WARDEN [To LOMIA]: This is your missionary collection?

LOMIA: It's my Internet project to make some money so I can get away from you.

HEIDI: Make some extra money? This little stunt is gonna land you behind bars!

LOMIA: I'm underage. [Stalks out of the room.] I take after you. Both of you!

WARDEN: We are finished! They're gonna kick us out of the prison system. Unless I put in for a transfer to Huntsville. It's supposed to be nice there in the spring.

[EXT. Prison courtyard. LOJB is handing XEV a copy of his book.]

LOJB: It's A Life Of Joy!

[XEV gives him an "I think he's nuts so I'd better just smile and act natural" look, and he walks off. She opens the book (upside down) and tries to figure it out.]

XEV: What is it? [Heh, looks like XEV would fit in just fine with some teenagers.]

KAI: It's called a book. Books contain useful information…sometimes. And interesting stories. Less often.

XEV: The moth we came in was destroyed, wasn't it?

KAI: Yes.

XEV: So where will we go now?

KAI: To Washington DC. [Ha! "Mr. Stiff Goes To Washington"! *snerk * Funny, huh? :::crickets chirping:::]

XEV: What's in Washington DC?

KAI: Stanley.

[KAI walks off and XEV follows.]

[EXT. Desert road. HEIDI, WARDEN and LOMIA are driving away in a little blue car.]

[INT. Car.]

HEIDI [To LOMIA]: I hope you're happy.

LOMIA: Nothing will make me happy when I have parents like you.

HEIDI [To WARDEN]: So what's next, Mr. Success Story Not Exactly?

[WARDEN spits his tobacco out the window, except the window isn't open. YUUUUUUCK!]

WARDEN: You always thought I should have a political career. I think I'll try to get elected Mayor of Waco.

HEIDI: Uh huh…[looks with alarm out the window] What was that?! Stop the car!

[WARDEN pulls over and HEIDI gets out.]

HEIDI: I though I saw something move.

WARDEN [mocking]: I thought I saw something move!

[Off in the brush we see the little satellites from the Potato of Doom. They appear to be large carrots on legs. So now we have carrots to go with our potato. What's the mother ship? A giant, killer meatloaf?

HEIDI walks up and inspects one of the carrots. Another one attacks her from behind, and she screams. WARDEN, not knowing what just happened honks the horn in frustration.]

WARDEN [To LOMIA]: What is keeping that mother of yours? [Gets out of the car and walks back to the clearing.]

WARDEN: Heidi, darling, what's eating you now?

[Back in the clearing, he sees a carrot walking around. While he's inspecting it, another one jumps up his ass. Yes, I just said, "a walking carrot jumped up his ass." Dammit, I love this show!!!

He starts screaming, as it seems the carrot is buggering him, and falls to the ground writhing. This gets LOMIA'S attention, and she is greatly amused by it. She jumps into the drivers seat, starts the car and tears off down the road.]

LOMIA: Goodbye, creeps!

[INT. ATF HQ. STAN is back on the wall.]

STAN: Get me down out of here! [The restraints begin opening and closing at random.] Ah! Prince! Ah! Ahhh!

[INT. LEXX bridge. 790, it seems is the one having the fun with STAN.]

STAN [on view screen]: Okay Prince, you made your point! Ah! Stop fooling around with these stupid manacles!

790: Whoops! Hold on for your life, meat puppet! And whee! [Begins laughing hysterically.]

The End.