Episode 4.05 - Xevivor - Written by Jeffrey Hirschfield

Transcribed by Cassie Jackson

DISCLAIMER: LEXX IS THE PROPERTY OF THE BEANS AND SALTER STREET. NO MONEY IS BEING MADE FROM THIS TRANSCRIPT; IT'S JUST FOR FUN. MAY HIS DIVINE LAWYERS NOT FALL UPON ME.

Starring:

Michael McManus as Kai

Xenia Seeberg as Xev Bellringer

Brian Downey as Stanley H. Tweedle

Jeffrey Hirschfield as the voice of 790

Tom Gallant as the voice of the LEXX

Nigel Bennett as Prince

Also featuring:

Jeff Pustil as Farley Knuckle

Tara Doyle as Tina

Walter Borden as Dr. Ernst Longbore

Peter Blake as Oliver

Georgia Zaris as Pearl the Production Assistant

Nunzio Lombardo as Willy (or Valentino)

Ross O'Hennessy as Cedric

Silvio Symac as Hank the Aussie

Richard Harus as Nelson

Rupert Solomon as Pierre

[The show opens with a TV promo set on a tropical island. Lots of buff men and a girl in a red bikini are running, frolicking, writhing and gleefully jiggling on a pristine beach.]

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): A tropical island paradise...ten virile studs...one drop dead gorgeous babe...and a single night of jungle love.

[Woman is hear moaning orgasmically in the background.]

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Lust and survival collide.

[More frolicking and jiggling.]

ANNOUNCER [V.O.]: The sea breeze is thick with hormones...may the best man win!

[INT. Conference room. The promo is being shown on a large-screen TV. We see bleached blonde California boy named Farley (played by none other than the wonderful, funny and utterly cool dude Jeff Pustil). It would seem that this time, Schlemmi has been reincarnated as the ultimate evil, a Jeff Probst-type TV personality. He's pitching his TV show idea to a rather bizarre TV Vice Presidential-type dude named Oliver.]

FARLEY: Any questions, or should I break out the rubber pants?

OLIVER [Getting a massage from his personal trainer]: It stinks...like gold.

FARLEY: Ha, ha, ha! The stink we love!

OLIVER: Great concept, Farley. Who's gonna play the girl?

FARLEY: Only the most bodacious babe on the planet. Xev Bellringer!

OLIVER: The honey from prison who ruled the Internet? Perfect!

FARLEY: Don't I know it! That jug of hot sauce has half the men on the planet bursting their Levi's. I want to name the show after her. Get this...[dons a baseball cap] Xevivor!

OLIVER: Love it. Love it bundles. Not that there's any resemblance to that other show. [Thank Goddess. "Xevivor" is the only thing that makes "Survivor" seem like a little less of a sick joke. And nary a Colleen Haskell to be found. Amen!]

[Everyone laughs. An anonymous lackey whispers in OLIVER'S ear for a bit.]

OLIVER: Problem, Farley. Roger here tells me that every other network has been trying to hire this Xev creature, but nobody can track her down. No one knows where she lives. She's disappeared. You know something we don't?

FARLEY: I couldn't reach her either, but check it out: a little while back I got a call from her agent out of the blue. Some dud named Prince [son of a...]. We've been working the deal and we're close, real close. As a matter of fact, I've got him on the line right now. Hello, Prince? You still there, big guy?

[OK, there's approximately 87 billion scene changes here, so let's just use our imaginations instead of me typing them out and wasting bandwidth, shall we?]

PRINCE [Speaking with a fake Southern accent]: I sure am, Chief. How's our itch?

FARLEY: Getting scratched.

PRINCE: Mojo?

FARLEY: Working.

PRINCE: Whole lotta shakin'?

FARLEY: Big time bacon.

PRINCE: Easy peasy

FARLEY: Japaneasy.

PRINCE: Righteous! Lick it up!

FARLEY: He says money is not the issue. Prolonged exposure is. He wants to make sure Xev is working for the network for a long time.

OLIVER: Of course. Done. As long as he can have her on location yesterday.

FARLEY: Prince, you make the gravy, we'll slather the ham.

PRINCE: I like mine cut from the butt. Meat from the sweet spot. [Oh, that PRINCE. What a smoothie...]

FARLEY: Fine dining.

PRINCE: If you like pork.

FARLEY [To Oliver]: She's in. [To PRINCE] Prince, pleasure doing business with you.

[INT. PRINCE'S office.]

PRINCE: Yo' mama. [Hangs up.] That went well.

[Presses a button on his remote, and 790 appears on the large overhead television.]

790: It did. It did indeed.

[INT. LEXX bridge]

PRINCE [On view screen]: It's a pleasure doing business with you, robot head.

790: Yo' mama.

[Opening credits.]

[INT. Conference room. OLIVER, FARLEY, PEARL THE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT, and OLIVER'S PERSONAL TRAINER are sitting around the table and pow wow-ing.]

OLIVER: You're a genius, Farley. Xevivor's got "Monster Hit" written all over it. But tell me, why Zig Zig Island?

FARLEY: I've never even heard of it, but no matter what questions I put to the computer, it always selected Zig Zig. It must be the best place.

[INT. LEXX Bridge]

790: Robot revenge has arrived. Right on schedule.

[EXT. Space. A swarm of butt carrots fly past the LEXX and toward Earth, headed straight for Zig Zig Island.]

[INT. LEXX privy. XEV is taking a shower. Again.]

XEV: How many men, did you say?

790: Ten. Selected from the finest specimens Earth has to offer. Millions will watch as they compete against each other in a series of contests, and the eventual winner claims a steamy night of love with the grand prize: you. Sexy, saucy, scintillating you.

XEV: And millions will watch as the winner and I fulfill this night of love?

790: Most certainly.

XEV: Um...that's okay. I like it.

[INT. LEXX's galley. Stan is jerking the food tube. Um, I mean, trying to get the LEXX'S tube to produce food.]

STAN: How many men?

790: Nine besides yourself.

STAN: And the winner gets to rock the love hut with Xev?

790: That's right.

STAN: Nah, no, no, no. It's ridiculous. I mean, how am I ever gonna get picked for the show?

790: It's already been arranged. One of the spots has been reserved for a wild card contestant chosen from a computer lottery. I can guarantee you'll get that position.

STAN: Yeah, but what chance do I have once I get down there? I mean, I'm a man's man, no doubt about that, but these guys sound like they've been in training for this kind of contest all their lives. What chance do I have against that kind of competition?

790: Leave that to me, Stanley. I promise that when it's all over, you'll be all over Xev.

STAN: Why are you doing this? What's in it for you?

790: I'm just trying to give everyone what they want. If you're off somewhere rubbing against Xev, then I get to be alone with the Dead and Delicious One and hopefully rubbed against him.

STAN: For the last time, Kai is all yours. Xev can't have him, I don't want him...what's the issue?

790: Those not in love will never understand those who are. Now what do you say, Tweedle? You and Xev naked under a hot tropical sun with the entire planet admiring your sexual prowess, no doubt leading to all kinds of offers from all types of sensational Earth females? Is it a deal?

STAN [smiling]: Yeah. Deal.

[EXT. Space. The LEXX turns around and heads back toward Earth.]

[EXT. Space. Xev's moth flies away past the moon.]

XEV [V.O.]: Kai, will you please check in on the show from time to time? [Uh, XEV, the dead do not get jealous. An A for effort, though.]

[INT. Bridge]

KAI: Why?

[INT. Moth]

XEV: I want you to make sure everything's okay.

[INT. Bridge]

790: She'll be just fine.

XEV [V.O.]: Will you do that for me?

KAI: Yes.

STAN [Heading toward a moth]: I agree, nothing's gonna happen. It's gonna be an experience to treasure.

KAI: Going somewhere, Stanley?

STAN: Yeah, to Earth. Why?

KAI: I though you wished never to visit there ever again.

STAN: Well, yeah, but Xev's going down there, and...Look, I just changed my mind. You got a problem with that?

KAI: The dead do not have problems.

STAN: Ooh, can't agree with you there. [Dollface, you walked right into that one!]

790: Run along then, security guard...and good riddance.

STAN: Yeah, well, you two have fun while I'm gone.

790: I will if you will.

[EXT. Space. Stan flies away toward the Earth in a moth, snickering. The camera zooms in on Earth, closer and closer, until we can clearly see Zig Zig Island.]

[EXT. Beach. Day. Farley is on a cell phone to his shrink.]

FARLEY: You listen to me, Dr. Not-At-All-Helpful, you're the fifth shrink I've gone through in as many months and you blowhards all have the same questions. I don't want any more questions, I want answers. I want these sick urges to stop, OK?

PEARL THE P.A. [running up]: Farley?

FARLEY [On the phone]: I'll call you later. [Hangs up.] Where have you been? Listen to what these hack writers have penned for me. There's no way in Hell I'm saying this. [Lisping in a "gay" voice] "We've assembled some of the handsomest, most desirable, most beau-delicious men on the planet and brought them here." Oh, come on, pearl, it makes me sound like a homo! A guy who talks about men like that is a guy who wants to crawl all over them, and I'm not that guy. Those guys give me the creeps, you understand? Now get it rewritten! [Throws the script pages in the air and stomps away.] Never mind, I'll wing it!

[Poor PEARL is left to pick up the pages and does so poutily.]

[EXT. Beach.]

DIRECTOR [V.O.]: 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...and we're live.

FARLEY: Hello and welcome, viewers from around the globe. This is a live telecast. I'm Farley Knuckle on Zig Zig Island, and you're watching "Xevivor," the most exciting television event of all time. We've gathered some of the hunkiest, hottest, cut and buffed beefcakes you've ever laid eyes on. These studs are to DIE FOR! [Makes thrusting motion with his hips, then catches himself, embarrassed.] They're here for one unforgettable night of love with the most succulent female in the universe. But don't take my word for it, see for yourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the island goddess Xev!

[Caribbean-type music starts playing and XEV jumps out of a hut, hamming it up.]

XEV: Hiiiii! Hi! Whoo!

FARLEY: And her sweaty suitors! [Points toward the ocean.]

[Nine cute and ultra-buff himbos emerge from the ocean. The camera zooms in on a few of them. One is identified as WILLY, the other HANK and another is NELSON. Those are the only ones named so far.]

XEV: Hiiii! [To FARLEY, suspiciously] Hey! You! I know you!

FARLEY: Yeah, maybe from another life.

XEV: Two other lives, and you were evil and died in both of them.

FARLEY: yeah, you're right. I did die in a previous life...on another network.

[The HIMBOS start whooping it up, run ashore and gather around XEV, who's clearly having herself a grand old time.]

[INT. LEXX Bridge. 790 and KAI are watching the broadcast on the LEXX's view screen.]

FARLEY [On view screen]: When we come back, were going to pick our wild card contestant. After all, shouldn't Ordinary Joe get to dream the cream dream, too? [Uh, no, because presumably XEV doesn't want to have sex with some ugly dork, thankyouverymuch.]

790: Yeah!

[EXT. Beach - Day.]

FARLEY: Our six finalists are over there, so stick around.

[Camera pans over the six people standing in a line and encased in red burlap sacks. The camera zooms in on one with a number 4 around his neck. Gee, I wonder who that could be?]

STAN [muttering]: This better work, 790.

[Commercial break]

[EXT. Beach - Day. The "Xevivor" logo appears briefly. Cute himbos run up to XEV and start dancing seductively. XEV is obviously in her version of Heaven, surrounded by hot, horny man meat.]

[INT. LEXX Bridge. "Xevivor" appears on the LEXX's view screen.]

KAI [To 790]: Stanley is on the island with Xev. Is this something you arranged?

790: Yes. I'm going to help him win the night of love with her.

KAI: that would make Stan happy and Xev unhappy.

790: I'm a bad robot. Spank me.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Hello? Spaceship LEXX? Is anybody there? Is Kai there? Hello?

[One of Dr. Longbore's students/followers appears on the view screen. It's the girl with the pigtails and birth control glasses. Up until now, she's been known around the LEXX Internet community as "Velma," but as it turns out her name is TINA, and she's played by comedienne Tara Doyle.]

790: No one is here! I'll get rid of her!

KAI: Do not do that.

790: But...this is our together time!

KAI [To TINA]: I am here.

TINA: Kai! [Smiles happily] Dr. Longbore asked me to contact you, and I said contacting you was OK by me! [Hmm, does someone have a little crush? It appears we have ourselves a Drool Sister on the inside!] He's found some more material that relates to the Divine Order symbol and the things you seemed interested in, and he wanted to know if you'd like to return to our planet and examine it. Do you want to examine it?

KAI: I would.

790: No, Kai!

TINA: Great! When you arrive, I'll show it to you! [Seductively] I'll show you everything. Will you come?

KAI: I wish to come.

TINA: Me too!

790: I'm going to virtually vomit.

KAI: But I must remain here to monitor the television show in which Xev is appearing.

TINA: Oh, you can do that here! You can do everything here.

KAI: Then I will come.

790: Kai, don't do it! Stay here with me and be my cuddle corpse! It's obvious she's a conniving, bespectacled tramp!

KAI: You keep watch until I return. [Leaves]

[INT. Moth passage. Moth flies through it and out of the airlock.]

[EXT. Space. Moth heads toward Earth.]

[INT. LEXX Bridge.]

790: There's only one thing to do when the deceased break your heart.

[FARLEY appears on the view screen. He is spinning a bingo cage made of bamboo.]

FARLEY: And now...here we go for Mr. Wild Card!

790: ...And that's to make others pay.

[EXT. Beach. A chute appears on a laptop screen.]

FARLEY [V.O.]: Number...

[A ball with a number 6 on it pops out of the chute.]

[INT. LEXX Bridge.]

790: Don't think so. [Begins performing some computer manipulations.]

[EXT. Beach - Day. On the laptop screen, the ball with the 6 on it is sucked back up the chute.]

FARLEY: Huh?

[790 continues his manipulations.]

FARLEY: Number...

[A ball with a 4 on it pops out of the chute.]

FARLEY: Four! Get on out here!

STAN: Four? That's me! [PEARL runs up and helps STAN out of the burlap sack.] I'm the winner! I'm the winner!

XEV [Peeved]: Stan?! No way...

STAN: I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner! Ha, ha, ha. [Turns back to the also rans]. Nyeah-nyeah-nyeah-nyeah-nyeah-nyeah! [Runs up to XEV and the men] Hi Sexy! Hi, guys!

XEV [full-on pissed now]: No way!!

FARLEY: Congratulations. What's your name?

STAN: Stanley Twee- [looks at FARLEY] I know you. Schlemmi! You're Fifi! You're evil! [Runs over to XEV]

FARLEY: Those two must have been sucking from the same bong.

XEV [to STAN]: I want you out of here now!

STAN: Me? You've gotta worry about him! [Points at FARLEY] Look, it was the luck of the draw, Xev, what can you do?

XEV: Crush your neck with my bare hands if I have to! [Smiles for the camera.]

STAN: that wouldn't be very island goddess-like of you. Besides this whole world is watching.

FARLEY [on camera]: A full five hours of our broadcast day is dedicated to bringing you all the action of "Xevivor" live. Because we know you, like those men, want it all. Right now!

[A butt carrot runs up and observes XEV, STAN, FARLEY and the HIMBOS from a corner. The POV of the butt carrot is distorted like a fish-eye lens.]

[Camera zooms in on XEV'S hut. Two bitchy queens are fussing over her and sniping at each other. One is a STYLIST and the other is a HAIRDRESSER. XEV is in a cute little fur trimmed bikini top and pleather skirt combo and is putting on a blue shrug with blue fur trimmed cuffs. It also appears that she's going to lose the ratty dreadlocks in this episode.]

HAIRDRESSER: Do you mind?

STYLIST: do you? Her wardrobe has to be just so if "Xevivor's" going to get and keep good ratings.

HAIRDRESSER: How little you know, tailor. The secret to good ratings is beautiful hair.

STYLIST: You're an idiot, barber. The saying is "dress for success," not brush for it. Great clothes, great ratings, period.

HAIRDRESSER: Then we should get someone who can make great clothes, not these ratings-killing duds you design.

XEV: Quiet, both of you! [To FARLEY, who's sitting in a chair across from her.] Farley, I don't care about any wild card contestant. Stanley Tweedle should not be here.

FARLEY: I don't know how he wrangled his way into the gig, but what's done is done, lady.

XEV: He is wrecking everything!

FARLEY: Don't worry about it, Toots. His chances of thwacking your thong come love night are precisely zero. [Stands up] Look who he's up against. Titans. Chiseled Adonises. Fine hewn slabs of rippled man flesh pumping out their pungent testosterone musk and causing a deep and powerful thirst, a thirst that can only be quenched by a pair of swarthy, hairy arms to take you in their powerful grasp and...[Catches himself and looks around, embarrassed. The STYLIST, XEV, and the HAIRDRESSER just stare.]

FARLEY [to XEV]: Um...you look great. Really fetching. [Leaves hut]

HAIRDRESSER: Fetching. Appropriate word, seeing as how you dressed her like a poodle.

STYLIST: If this show were on the Hair Disaster Channel, ratings would be through the roof.

[XEV takes off the shrug and fans herself.]

[EXT. Beach - Day. The words "Day One" flash across the screen. XEV is holding a basket with a baby bird in one hand and string in the other hand. She and FARLEY are facing the camera.]

FARLEY: This is a rare Zig Zig Chicken, one of the last of its kind. This critter is going to sail over the island until we blow on of the balloons by remote, causing it to come down. Whoever finds it first and lays it at Xev's feet wins the day. Xev, let it go.

[XEV releases the string and basket, and the baby bird floats up and away.]

FARLEY: our champions will go after it as soon as they can climb out of their jail. [Camera pans over the HIMBOS and STAN inside a makeshift prison made of branches.] Gentlemen, on your marks...[STAN and the HIMBOS (hey, there's *another * cool name for a punk band. I'd better go learn how to play an instrument!) Prepare to go. Two HIMBOS push STAN away. Big meanies. :P) get set...

XEV: Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Whoo!!

[The HIMBOS grab the ropes and climb easily up the hill. STAN is not having quite as much success, as he struggles pitifully, his boots slipping on the dirt. XEV looks on in disdain.]

[EXT. Jungle - Day. HIMBOS are running around and whooping it up.]

[EXT. Makeshift prison. STAN is still struggling and still failing to make it up the hill.]

[EXT. Jungle - Day. HIMBOS continue to whoop it up; running, swinging from vines and generally being manly men doing manly things.]

[EXT. Makeshift prison. STAN gives up and throws the rope disgustedly.]

XEV [V.O.]: The winner of each challenge is granted immunity from the regular daily voting that eliminates one player from the contest...

[EXT. Jungle. HIMBOS continue to be all virile and stuff.]

XEV [Cont'd]:...soon, only one man will be left to satisfy my many needs, and I, his.

[EXT. Beach. A HIMBO is being interviewed. The caption says "Cedric, Mr. Iron Man 1999." He's got man-boobs. Scary.]

CEDRIC: I'll win. I'm the best. The other guys are very good, but I'm the best. Still, having a withered skin bag around...I don't know. It taints things.

[EXT. Beach. Another HIMBO is being interviewed. His caption says "Hank, Mr. Australia 2000."]

HANK THE AUSSIE: Xev and I making out like animals on the night of love? That will happen. Stanley Tweedle passing the first vote? That won't.

{EXT. Makeshift prison. STAN is rattling the bars trying to get out to no avail. PEARL THE P. A. takes pity and opens the door to let him out.]

STAN: Thank you. [Starts walking]

PEARL [Pointing in opposite direction]: That way.

[STAN runs off.]

[EXT. Jungle. More footage of HIMBOS a-runnin' and a-whoopin'.]

[EXT. Another part of the jungle. Stan is wandering and looking around.]

[INT. Production tent. PEARL and some engineers are working. FARLEY is chanting into his cell phone.]

VOICE ON PHONE: That's very good, Farley.

FARLEY: It's no use, Mistress Moonbeam. The chant's not working. I feel more sick urges, not less!

[PEARL looks incredulously at FARLEY. It would appear that FIFI/SCHLEMMI isn't evil this time around.]

VOICE ON PHONE: Your inner child is grieving, Farley.

FARLEY: I'm not one of...them. [Glares at PEARL and she looks away.] I despise them. So why, why do I keep feeling these urges? So what does the Tarot say?

[Don't worry, FARLEY, you're okay. Tell ya what, I'll introduce you to a nice robot head and you two can catch up on old times. In fact, the flashing codpiece might still work after 4,000 years. You never know.]

VOICE ON PHONE: The cards show many past lives for you, Farley.

FARLEY: I'm like this because of bad things I've done in the past?

VOICE ON PHONE: Trust your inner child, Farley.

FARLEY: Thank you, Mistress Moonbeam. That's really helpful. [Hangs up the phone and starts to cry.]

[EXT. Jungle. The basket with the baby bird is found by CEDRIC, the HIMBO with the man-boobs.]

CEDRIC: Yes!

[CEDRIC is running through the jungle. He hears a noise and goes to investigate.]

[Butt Carrot P.O.V. - CEDRIC is looking around.]

[EXT. Ground. A Butt Carrot scurries over to CEDRIC. CEDRIC bends over, Butt Carrot jumps up his ass and starts violently buggering him.]

[EXT. Jungle. STAN walks up shortly afterward and sees the baby bird.]

STAN: Hey...well what do you know?

[STAN reaches down and scoops up the baby bird, then walks off.]

[Commercial break.]

[EXT. Beach - Day. FARLEY and XEV are talking. It seems that FARLEY is not completely evil, like he was in his FIFI/SCHLEMMI days. Annoying, sleazy and homophobic, but not necessarily evil.]

FARLEY: It's not like I believe in that New Age hocus pocus stuff or anything, but I was wondering, could you tell me more about this guy you said was like me, whom you've met before? You know, he died.

XEV: First he was Schlemmi, then Fifi, now you.

FARLEY: I know, but what was he like? Like, for instance, was he...gay?

XEV: What's gay?

FARLEY: Gay. You know, gay. Like a man who likes other men in a sexual way. Which is not me, of course. I just want to make that perfectly clear! I've got "No Trespassing" tattooed on my ass. but it's just this guy...I was wondering, was he...just like a little...you know.

XEV: Not that I know of.

FARLEY: Well, that's a relief.

XEV: But he was very sneaky and he never told the truth. And he liked to kill people.

FARLEY: Really?

STAN [Running up, baby bird in hand]: Hey, hey, hey!

XEV: No, no, no!!

FARLEY: Pearl! What's going on? The remote crew reported that Stud 9 won!

PEARL: Yeah.

FARLEY: Yeah, so? Find them! I want answers! [Runs up to STAN and addresses the camera] Hey, hey, will you look at that everybody? Our wild card contestant Stanley Tweedle won the first contest [To STAN] Well done, Stan. Now go offer your tribute to Xev.

STAN: Well, yum, yum. Looks like Stan and Xev are gonna have some fire down below. [Good! Maybe she'll get the key back!]

[XEV walks up to STAN, glaring. She snatches the cyoot widdle baybee bird from his hand and...eats it. She rather indelicately fishes a bone from her mouth, tosses it away and belts out an angry Cluster lizard screech.]

FARLEY [To camera]: We'll be right back.

[EXT. Texas desert - Day. KAI'S moth speeds across the desert to DR. LONGBORE'S headquarters.]

[INT. LONGBORE HQ. The moth lands and KAI climbs (oh so sexily) out of it, then walks over to DR. LONGBORE and TINA.]

LONGORE: What an honor for you to return to us, Kai.

TINA [Who has ditched the pigtails for a nice, elegant ponytail]: I'll say!

KAI: You have some material that you claim is of interest to me?

LONGBORE: Straight to business, I admire that. Tina, please go upstairs and prepare things for our visitor.

TINA: With pleasure. [Runs off]

LONGORE: The construction of our space vessel is proceeding well.

KAI: You are able to receive television broadcasts here? I wish to view a show called "Xevivor."

GEEK [I think his name is Dougall, but I'm not sure so I'll just call him GEEK]: No problem! Most of us are completely hooked on it!

ANNOUNCER [V.O.]: Next on "Xevivor," the vote. Who will be the first to leave the island?

[Onscreen, XEV is dancing around.]

[EXT. Beach - Day. Another HIMBO is interviewed. This one says "Pierre, Mr. Greater London." This one's pretty cute.]

PIERRE: It's a shame that Tweedle freak is immune, because he'd get my vote. He's an idiot.

[Another HIMBO. This one is "Nelson, Professional Wrestler."]

NELSON: It's Tweedle, for sure. That dude's pathetic!

[Another HIMBO. This is "Willy, Male Stripper."]

WILLY: Tweedle...even my dad isn't that much of a loser.

[Next sound byte is XEV in the evening lying in front of a fire.]

XEV: Stanley Tweedle has been trying to get me to ride his tower of power ever since I first ran into him. It hasn't happened in the last 4,000 years, and it's not going to happen in the next 4,000 either!]

[EXT. Beach - Day. XEV is dancing around and is surrounded by man meat once again.]

[INT. LONGBORE'S HQ. KAI and a few geeks are watching "Xevivor" on TV.]

[EXT. Beach - Day. FARLEY is arguing with PEARL.]

FARLEY: Still no sign of number 9? What the hell is going on here?

PEARL: I don't know.

[INT. LEXX bridge. 790 is laughing evilly.]

[EXT. Beach - Day. XEV is dancing with her would be concubines. She goes up to STAN and pushes him down then starts dirty dancing with NELSON.]

FARLEY: OK, OK, I'm afraid we don't have the accompanying footage available at the moment. The first vote has taken place, and the tribe has voted of Stud Number Nine. That's right, Hank's history [I thought that was CEDRIC??] Now it's time for a commercial. Don't go away, we'll be right back!

XEV: Whoa, whoa, wait! Nobody voted! Nobody voted! I should know. I would have voted for Stan even if he does have immunity!

FARLEY: Look, there's nothing we can do about it now, folks. Hank never returned [That was CEDRIC, gaddammit!]. My assistant here informs me that he got cold feet and he bailed. He was last seen, um...stealing a canoe...

[P.O.V. of Butt Carrot]

FARLEY:...so let's forget him and call it a night.

[EXT. Base of a tree. A Butt Carrot is scurrying about and watching the group.]

[INT. Small room at DR. LONGBORE'S HQ. KAI is flipping through a manila folder containing photographs and various clippings.]

TINA [Slowly undoing her sweater]: I have something else to show you.

KAI: What?

TINA: An old film I found. Please take my...take a seat. [Leads him to a chair]

[KAI sits down and TINA turns on the projector. An old newsreel film called "Transylvania: Land of Legend" comes on.]

NARRATOR [V.O.] Nestled along the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains of Easter Europe is the ancient land of Transylvania, a land still said to have all the superstitions of the world piled up within it's borders.

[TINA takes her glasses off and leans close to KAI, running her hands over him. Atta girl!]

NARRATOR [V.O.]: Transylvania is indeed a special place that just states story and legend. Once the mythical home of vampires, modern Transylvania has progressed far beyond its dark and mysterious past.

[TINA lays her head on KAI'S shoulder.]

NARRATOR [V.O.] And while Transylvania has retained...

KAI: What are vampires?

[Really cheesy, sappy music starts playing, which to me makes this scene way to surreal. Either that's the intended effect, or Marty S. has gone off his meds. Either way, thank Goddess closed captioning only works on Mute.]

TINA: A type of living dead. [Starts awkwardly, if enthusiastically, kissing KAI'S face and neck. KAI, of course, ignores her ministrations.]

TINA: I've never given myself to a living man. I know I was meant for someone special. You're someone special, Kai.

[TINA proceeds to examine his tonsils with her tongue, but he does not respond in kind. Instead, he's got one eye on the movie screen. A figure wearing a pointed headdress and standing in a tower catches his interest.]

KAI [Detangling himself from TINA and walking up to the screen]: May I view these images again, picture by picture?

TINA: Sure. I can transfer it to my computer, but it will take a while.

KAI: Do you have any more information about vampires?

[TINA gets a book and hands it to KAI.]

[EXT. Beach - Morning. It's day 2 of "Xevivor."]

ANNOUNCER [V.O.]: The boys have been divided into teams of three for this contest, and they all get immunity if they win. Each team has a pristine piece of Xev's lingerie...

[STAN is crossing a large puddle on a rope and has a pair of XEV'S panties in his mouth. WILLY and NELSON are egging him on.]

ANNOUNCER [V.O.]: ...Which must remain that way under threat of disqualification. The team members take turns transporting Xev's underwear over challenging obstacles, and the first to lay theirs at Xev's feet takes the day.

HIMBOS: Come on, come on! What's the matter with you? Hurry!

[STAN falls off the rope into the water, soaking the panties.]

NELSON: Oh no, Tweedle, you idiot!

STAN: Help me! Help me!

WILLY: Help yourself, putz, you made us lose!

STAN: I'm stuck!

NELSON: Must be our lucky day. [Hears a strange noise] What's that?

[WILLY and NELSON go to investigate. A Butt Carrot scurries about.]

STAN: Fellas? Fellas?

WILLY [From Butt Carrot's P.O.V.] Hey, look! There's one there!

NELSON: Where are they?

WILLY: Looks like a carrot.

[Two carrots jump into WILLY and NELSON, and they start singing a lovely, if strained rendition of "On the Road Again." Just kidding. Get it? WILLY and Nelson? Willie Nelson??

OK, I need a drink and a better joke writer, stat.

WILLY and NELSON start writhing and screaming as the Butt Carrots do whatever it is they do immediately after jumping up someone's ass. I assume that whatever it is, it doesn't feel very good.]

STAN: Guys! [Starts trying to climb out of the puddle.] Fellas? Fellas?

[Camera pans over and we see that NELSON and WILLY are gone, and the trees and ground are splattered with gore.]

STAN: Fellas?

[Commercial break]

[INT. Production tent on island. FARLEY is on his cell again, talking to OLIVER. STAN is sitting there, soaked and looking pitiful.]

STAN [to PEARL]: Can I have a blanket, please?

[PEARL goes to get him one.]

FARLEY [on phone]: Two more guys, Oliver. I'm getting a little nervous here. and those missing ones were...really...great guys.

[INT. Conference room - Day. OLIVER is talking on the speakerphone and having swirly symbols drawn on him by his personal trainer.]

OLIVER: I know it's a little messy out there, Farley, but as long as the ratings keep going up, who gives a rat's crapper? And the ratings are going up, let me tell you! Phone calls, faxes, e-mail by the truckload...

[INT. Production tent]

OLIVER [On phone]: ..."Xevivor's" all the rage!

FARLEY: Of course, I'm a genius! But it's not just those two studs anymore, Ollie. A couple of the crew are missing, too.

[INT. Conference room]

OLIVER: Unreliable Union bastards. You're the king of the Universe, Farley. Don't let me down now. [Hangs up.]

[INT. Production tent. FARLEY hangs up angrily.]

FARLEY [To STAN]: Hey, you know, like, when you knew me before, not that I believe that you did, um...was I, like...you know...gay? [Oh FIFI, suck it up and deal, girlfriend!]

STAN: Gay?

FARLEY: Gay, you know? Did I like men in a sexual way?

STAN: No. [FARLEY sighs with relief] Why? Do you now?

[FARLEY just looks at STAN for a minute, then takes off.]

[EXT. Beach - Day.]

FARLEY: OK, everybody, it's voting time. Nelson and Valentino [It's WILLY!!] haven't returned from the field yet, so they miss the ballot. Trouser snake team, you are immune. Everyone else is fair game. The voting booth is right over here, gentlemen, so let's go!

[One by one everyone votes, and each one punches a hole in their ballots - with varying degrees of violence - beside STAN'S name. XEV is the last one to vote.

[INT. LEXX Bridge.]

790: Not so fast, Hussy Pants.

[790 starts calculating and messing with the voting machine. I guess we now know how Dubya got elected. Dangling chad, my ass!]

[EXT. Beach. Machine spits out a result and FARLEY takes it.]

FARLEY: The vote is a tie between Nelson and Valentino, [WILLY! Oh, I give up.] the two studs who have yet to return. So they're eliminated from the contest.

[EXT. Beach - Night. HANK THE AUSSIE is being interviewed. Those with some lip-reading capabilities will have an interesting time with this next sequence of scenes.]

HANK: I punched my ballot for Stanley Tweedle! <BLEEP> I know I did! We all <BLEEP>-in' voted for him. He's not only a <BLEEP>-in' schmuck, he's <BLEEP>-in' up to something.

[EXT. Beach - Day. PIERRE THE BRIT is equally enraged.]

PIERRE: <BLEEP> if that <BLEEP> comes anywhere near me I'm going to kick his <BLEEP>!

HANK: If he thinks he's welcome at the men's camp anymore, he's got another thing coming! I REALLY HATE. HIS. GUTS!!

PIERRE: I can't believe <BLEEP>, he's a <BLEEP>-in' wanker! Tosser! <BLEEP> him!

[EXT. Beach - Night. XEV is in front of the campfire.]

XEV: I did not come to the island to sleep with Stanley Tweedle. So somebody had better see to it that he doesn't win! Understand?!

[INT. LEXX Bridge]

790: Sorry, A deal's a deal. [Laughs diabolically.]

[INT. Movie room at LONGBORE'S HQ. KAI is reading from the book, and GEEK is fiddling with a computer.]

KAI [Reading]: Immortal lord of the night, Lord of Death, killer of man, drinker of blood, of this Earth or somewhere beyond. [:::gibber::: KAI certainly doesn't need to fall in a puddle in order to soak *my * panties, lemmietellya!]

GEEK [Setting up a laptop]: All yours. I've also set it up so that the images will run simultaneously through the computer. You can print frames, magnify, whatever.

TINA: Let me get the lights. [Presses a button on the projector and the lights go down.]

[The movie comes on, but TINA steps in front of the screen. She lets her hair down, takes off her glasses and sweater and unbuttons her blouse.]

TINA: I've held out my whole life for you. I want to do everything! I don't know much about vampires and I don't much care [takes KAI'S hands and places them on her (rather impressive) breasts], but you can suck my blood if you want. [She straddles him.]

KAI: The dead do not normally suck blood.

TINA: Then leave that to the living.

[TINA buries her face in KAI'S neck and starts kissing him. KAI just peeks over her shoulder, watching the movie and ignoring her ministrations.]

NARRATOR [V.O.]: Modern Transylvania is known for her agriculture... [Footage of a farmer working in the fields.]

[EXT. Beach - Morning. THE HIMBOS are sleeping on a platform. STAN has been relegated to a blanket underneath the platform. THE HIMBOS jump off the platform and - not surprisingly - begin kicking sand in STAN'S face.]

STAN: Ow! Hey! That hurts! Stop!

HANK THE AUSSIE: What did you do to him?

STAN: What are you talking about?

HANK: Jacques! Last night he slept in the camp, this morning the only thing left was this! [Holds up a hot pink and faux leopard skin rag.]

STAN: I don't know anything about that! Besides, you guys kicked me out of the camp. Remember?

HANK: I hope you like this island. It's where you're gonna DIE!

[HANK pushes STAN and he and the remaining HIMBOS walk away.]

STAN: Is a roll in the sack with XEV worth all this grief? [Leering grin] Yeah!

[INT. Movie room at LONGBORE'S HQ. TINA is still devouring KAI, and one can't help but notice that he's got his hand planted firmly on her ass. Well, he's never done that before! I guess she's just his type. I consider this a victory for me and all the other well-upholstered, dweeby chicks of the world. 'Scuse me while I whip out my gloat.

This is short lived though, as KAI sees something that catches his interest onscreen and ever so lovingly and gently urges TINA off of his lap. Oh, all right, he stands up and dumps her right the Hell off. He points to the laptop and a screen cap of the coneheaded figure in the tower appears on the projection screen.]

KAI: I am interested in this figure.

TINA: Not mine?

KAI: Of this Earth or somewhere beyond...[Mmm, Kai, I love it when you talk spooky!]

TINA: Forget all about that, Kai. Pound your stake into me, please! [What an AWESOME line!]

[INT. LEXX Bridge. 790 catches KAI and TINA making out on the view screen.]

790: A-ha!

[INT. Movie room. 790 appears on the laptop screen.]

790: Kai! Get away from her! Murder the tramp!

KAI: I will not do that, 790.

790: Kai?

KAI: Yes, 790?

790: I have a confession to make.

KAI: What?

790: I made a deal with Prince to get Xev on the "Xevivor" show, and fixed it so that Stan would be on the island with her.

KAI: Yes?

790: I also fixed it so that the show took place on Zig Zig Island.

KAI: Why?

790: Because Zig Zig Island is infested with alien probes, and I wanted Stan and Xev to be dead so I could have you all to myself without anyone else.

KAI: What type of alien probes?

790: I don't know. Evil ones! They have come to this planet to find out what tastes good and are transmitting the results to some mother ship out in space somewhere. Who cares, as long as they kill Stan and Xev?

[Without another word, KAI gets up and heads out of the room.]

TINA [Pulling her blouse closed]: You're awful!

790 [Sneeringly]: Just protecting my interests…bitch!

[TINA slams the laptop shut. A picture of the figure in the tower prints out.]

[EXT. Beach - Morning. The caption says "Day Three."]

[EXT. Jungle. STAN and HANK THE AUSSIE are skulking around with paint guns.]

ANNOUNCER [V.O.]: Once again our contestants are broken up into two groups. the objective? Take out as many of the other team as you can with your paint gun, capture the flag and return it to Xev.

[HANK shoots STAN in the back with yellow paint.]

STAN: Hey! What did you do that for?

HANK: 'Cause I felt like it!

STAN: We're on the same team!

HANK [Looks away]: Hey! Hey Nelson!

[NELSON is standing motionless with his back to STAN and HANK. HANK walks over to him.]

HANK: Where have you been, man? We heard you fled the island. Hey, you don't look so good, man.

[NELSON turns around. His face and chest are splattered with grue. NELSON grabs HANK and kills him. He sees STAN and starts zombie walking over to him. STAN fires the paint gut at him, which obviously does nothing, so STAN drops the gun and runs like Hell.]

[INT. LONGBORE'S HQ. KAI stomps over to the geeks who are manning the A/V equipment.]

KAI: Put me through to 790.

790 [Onscreen]: You rang, death doll?

KAI: 790, patch me through to all the monitors on the island that you can. Immediately.

[EXT. Jungle. STAN is running, HIMBOS are getting carrot-buggered left and right.]

KAI [On speakers]: Stan, Xev, you are in danger. [Well, duh!]

STAN: Yeah, like I didn't know that!

[Zombiefied HIMBOS start closing in on STAN.]

[INT. LONGBORE'S HQ.]

KAI: Stan, Xev…

[EXT. Beach.]

KAI [On speakers]:…for your own safety, leave the island now. Everyone should leave the island now!

XEV [Runs into hut]: Did you hear that, boys? We…

[Looks in to see everything soaked in gore, then runs back out.]

[INT. LONGBORE'S HQ. KAI heads to the moth but TINA stops him. She's put on a little make-up and is actually pretty cute.]

TINA: Take me with you!

KAI: I will not.

TINA [Crestfallen]: Here. [Hands him the pictures he printed out.] Promise you'll come back.

[KAI says nothing and boards the moth.]

TINA: I'll wait for you.

[KAI gives her one of his little Mona Lisa smiles and flies off.]

[INT. Production tent on island. FARLEY is on the phone with OLIVER.]

FARLEY: We're seeing it on remote cameras all over the island. Death! Mutilation! People turned into these cyborg killer things! And these little walking carrots!

[INT. Conference room. OLIVER is laying on the conference table and his personal trainer is preparing to perform liposuction on him. I'll bet she's not licensed for that. Anyway, he's got FARLEY on speakerphone. I want some of what Hirschfield was smoking when he wrote this script, because this has got to be one of the most bizarre and acid trip-surreal yet hysterically funny scenes in the history of ever.]

OLIVER: The whole world is watching, Farley, and I mean the whole world. 24/7! It's a phenomenon!

[And did I mention that OLIVER is wearing what looks like a little leather skirt? Well, he is.]

OLIVER: We've increased the show's liability insurance to deal with disgruntled relatives. You know, the mooks who watch their sons get turned into carrot salad on prime time. The show goes on. Kissy kisses! [Cries out in pain.]

[INT. Production tent.]

FARLEY: Oliver? Oliver?! Damn it! [Hangs up angrily]

[EXT. Beach - Day. XEV runs into the tent.]

[INT. Tent.]

FARLEY [Grabs XEV]: Hey! Do you know why this is happening to me? Because of you! Yeah, it's your fault! I'm not bad! You made me that way in one of my past lives, and now I'm paying for it! Isn't it enough that I'm…conflicted inside?

XEV: Can you just stop talking for a moment?!

FARLEY: Oh, shut up!

[Both scream as they are surrounded by several Butt Carrots.]

FARLEY: I'm not…gay!

XEV: It won't help.

[EXT. Jungle - Day. STAN and XEV are running away in different parts of the jungle.]

[EXT. Sky - Day. KAI'S moth speeds toward the island.]

[INT. Moth. KAI is looking around - presumably for the island. Either that or he's making sure TINA isn't hanging onto one of the moth's legs or something.]

[EXT. Jungle. XEV and STAN are still running (I hope XEV'S little bikini top has a built in sports bra. Ouch! She's gonna end up with two black eyes). They find Butt Carrot-free places to hide.]

[INT. LEXX Bridge. 790 is not satisfied with how things are going.]

790: Yoo hoo! Yoooo hooooo!

[INT. Production tent. The place is crawling with Butt Carrots.]

790 [V.O.]: Calling all dro-ooones! The menu items you're looking for can be found on any monitor.

[EXT. Jungle. STAN looks around, horrified.]

790: Yoo hoo! Dro-ooones! [Mocking the announcer] Stanley Tweedle and Xev Bellringer are being observed by cameras located everywhere.

[XEV takes off running. In another part of the jungle, STAN does the same. STAN screams as a blood-streaked HANK THE AUSSIE starts shambling toward him. STAN uses a rope to cross a large pool of water as two ZOMBIES head for him. He crosses successfully and runs off. The ZOMBIES follow.]

[P.O.V. of a camera lying on the ground at an odd angle. STAN runs up, kneels down and looks into the camera.

STAN: I'm really scared now!

[Oh wow! That's the first "Blair Witch" spoof I've seen since…um, what time is it now? Ah hell, I LMAO anyway.

A Butt Carrot runs up and looks into the camera. it looks like the carrots have little eyeballs on their bottoms. These things are just too darn cute to be evil.]

[INT. production tent. Two Butt Carrots are watching STAN and XEV on the monitors.]

[EXT. Jungle. STAN is getting tired. He sees FARLEY off in the corner talking on his cell.]

FARLEY: I don't know what the hell I'm paying for! Will you stop telling me that? I can't help myself. I can't!

STAN: You! Host guy!

FARLEY: The urges are growing stronger.

STAN: How do I get off the island?

FARLEY: I have to act on those urges now!

[FARLEY has been carrot-buggered, because when he turns around he's covered in blood and has an eyeball in the middle of his forehead.]

FARLEY: Hello, Handsome! I want to taste your meat! [STAN runs off and FARLEY follows.] I'll be gentle.

[STAN falls down a hill and into a puddle in the makeshift prison from the beginning of the show. A Butt Carrot follows him down the hill. He screams as carrots and zombies close in on him.]

STAN: Somebody help! Help! Help!

[EXT. XEV hears STANS cries, rolls herself into a ball and rolls away lizard style. She rolls up to the prison, crushing a few carrots on the way and lets STAN out of the prison.]

STAN: Oh, I really love you. I think.

XEV: Let's go, Stanley.

STAN: My ankle! I think I twisted it.

XEV: We don't have much time. [STAN leans on her and she hauls him away.] Is your moth nearby?

STAN: Yeah.

XEV: So is mine. We have to reach one of them.

STAN: Good plan.

[INT. LONGBORE HQ. The geeks (who for some reason are all wearing mustard colored lab coats) are placing bets. "Xevivor" is on a TV.]

GEEK: I've got 2 to 1 on Xev! 2 to 1!

[INT. Conference room. OLIVER and his lackeys are watching the action, too.]

OLIVER: Hot damn! Who needs the Super Bowl?

[EXT. Jungle. XEV and STAN run up to see the moth in pieces.

XEV: Look! The creatures destroyed the moth. [Thank you, Ms. Obvious.]

STAN: Great. We’re dead.

XEV: We should try to reach the beach. Our only hope is to swim for it.

STAN: I can't swim!

XEV: I can…I think. This way!

[They run off.]

[EXT. Ocean - Day. KAI'S moth speeds to the rescue.]

[INT. Moth.]

KAI [To 790 onscreen]: 790, how long before I reach Zig Zig Island?

790: Approximately 1 hour, my perfect pulseless one.

KAI: And how long do you estimate Stan and Xev can remain alive?

790: Less than that, O Marvel of Rigor Mortis. You can't save them, but you can save me. [Makes kissy noises. KAI shuts off the monitor.]

[EXT. Beach. A crowd of zombies is chasing XEV and STAN. It appears that everyone on the island except for STAN and XEV has been carrot-buggered. A herd of Butt Carrots closes in. XEV and STAN back into the ocean.]

STAN: There's nowhere left to go.

XEV: Then we'll die, Stan.

STAN: I know I've said it before, and I hope I'll get a chance to say it again, but it's been nice knowing you.

XEV: You too.

FARLEY [chanting]: Bad boat! Bad boat! Bad boat! Bad boat! Bad boat!

ALL ZOMBIES: Bad boat! Bad boat!

[EXT. Pleasure boat. A Yuppie couple are gleefully feeding carrots into a food processor.]

ZOMBIES: Bad boat! Bad boat!

[Close up shot of carrots being pureed.]

ZOMBIES: Bad boat! Bad boat!

[ZOMBIES forget about STAN and XEV and head into the ocean to rescue their buddies. The Butt Carrots jump up and fly toward the boat.

The couple on the boat hear KAI'S moth overhead and look up.]

WOMAN: Oh, look over there? What's that?

[Butt Carrots land on the boat and the couple start screaming. KAI watches the action nonchalantly.]

[EXT. Beach. The moth lands on the beach. XEV sees it and starts laughing hysterically with relief. KAI gives a look that says "Daddy's here!" The moth flies off into the sunset.]

[INT. Moth.]

XEV: Thanks for rescuing us, Kai.

KAI: I am interested in visiting an area of the European continent called Transylvania.

XEV: Why?

KAI: There may be someone there that fate would have me meet.

STAN: Transylvania, huh? Fine by me. It can't be any worse than where we just came from, can it? Can it?

[KAI just gives a little shrug and stares straight ahead. The moth flies on.]

FIN