In the Cathedrals

How much will one go through for love? How much pain, how much sorrow, how much heartache? I do not know, but I fear I will soon find out.

Love is an odd thing. I once thought that those such as we were incapable of the emotion. How can we, the bringers of death, achieve an emotion so closely connected with all that is good? Even then I knew I beleived falsely. Did I not love Louis, when he came to me in Paris? Did I not love him madly and passionately? And did I not love Lestat, even as he shattered all that I held as truth? I loved them both. But they were monsters such as I was. Of course we in our deformity would come together, share a common bond, and love one another. And then there was Daniel.

Ah, such bravado! He knew what he wanted, and he was going to get it! I don't know what possessed me to make myself known to him. But I saw why Louis chose him to be our messegner. Yes, he was a messenger, heralding our existance to humanity. And a more beautiful herald there never would be. Yes, I think I loved him the minute I saw him. He was so full of life. What is the phrase? Full of vim and vigor, I think it is. That was my Daniel.

I never meant to give it to him. Of course, it wasn't from detatched cruelty as he accused, rather it was out of love. I loved him, and did not want to inflict upon him that which was inflicted upon me. But in the end, I was a coward. I could not live without him. I needed him as I had needed no other. Life without Daniel seemed meaningless, a vast stretch of grey eternity. And I gave in. Perhaps, if he hadn't begged me so often, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I would have balked, would have remained stoic. But I was never that strong.

And how long did he stay with me? Two hundred, three hundred years? He stayed by my side, my constant companion. We traveled the world, lovers in the darkness, the Savage Garden. How he loved that phrase. He loved all of Lestat's phrases. And I denied him nothing. I took him everywhere, from the moutnains of Peru to the deserts of Africa to the tundras at the top of the world. And I think I did wrong. I thought we had found paradise, that he was happy. Oh, how wrong I was!

It happened in Mexico. A, such a beautiful country! So bright, and vibrant and full of colors. Despite the plague that destroyed over half of the population, Mexico remained an animated tapesrty of garish poverty and wealth walkign hand in hand.

We had a house there, a beautiful brick hacienda with all we could want. I woke one evening, and saw him standing on the baclony, so rigid and still, watching the city below. I knew somehow, that he was not happy.

"Daniel...?" I said softly. But he did not turn, as rigid as a statue was he. A marble statue decked out in black leather and denim. "Daniel?"

"Don't talk to me!" He said without turning. "I don't ever want to hear your voice again!"

I was taken aback by the vehemence of his words. Raw hatred permeated every one. What had i done, to merit such rage?

"Daniel..." I reached out a hand for him.

"Didn't you hear me?" he whirled around, and there were blood tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes. "Did't you hear me? I don't want to see or hear you ever again!"

"But why?" I asked, hurt. Why did he treat me so?

"I hate you!" His eyes were aflame, and every muscle in his body rigid. His fists clenched, and his lips tremebled. He hated me. My beloved, my Daniel, hated me. He truned away, and looked again to teh city below.

"Why do you say these things?" I asked softly. He didn't answer, but I would not leave. Not without an explanation. "Daniel, I cannot leave until you tell me why."

"You don't know? You honest to fucking goodness don't know?"

"No my love, I don't." I tried to keep my voice calm, and soothing. He had had these moods before, these violent moods of anger.

"I'm not your love. I'm your pet." He spat the words. "I'm some little lap dog you take around with you and show off when it suits you. You keep me on a short leash and give me a diamond collar in hopes I won't notice what it is. Well not anymore."

I stared at his back. What was he talking about? A pet? I loved him more then anything! He was my salvation.

"You know these things you say are not true."

"Like hell they aren't. All you do is pet me and coddle me. I'm not worth anything else."

Then I understood. I had always given him everything, given in to everything. It had been a mistake. In his mind, he thought that I did not love him because I did not stand up to him. I never fought him, but he misinterperted my reasons. I did not give in because I thought him not worth it. I gave in becaue it was worth everything!

"Daniel..." I knew I sounded a fool, a broken record.

"Just shut up. I'm leaving. I'm going away, and I'm not coming back. No more. No more listening for the sound of my master's voice. I'm going to be free of you."

"Don't do this." I pleaded. But it wasn't a plea. I meant it to be, but it sounded more a command. Don't do this. I should have begged. I should have shown weakness. But I couldn't. I was too proud, too proud by far.

"That's the last thing you'll ever say to me." He grabbed the railing of the balcony and vaulted over it in a smooth motion. I heard him hit the ground, and then he was gone.

I stood there, looking at the place he had been for hours. He had left me. My beloved Daniel, my beautiful voilet eyed Daniel was gone. And I had driven him away. I had done it.

I could not stay in that place a minute later. It was full of him. I tore out of there in a rage, and took myself to the closest airport. I had to get away. Easy enough to get a ticket on a fast plane, to Rome, to Marius. I knew where he was, and I knew he would provide some small comfort. And perhaps he would know the words that would bring Daniel back to me.

Marius had taken a large old roman villa for himself. It was decked out in ancient splednor, and one almost expected to see a phalanx of spear carrying guards walk by. I passed through the gate, and through the door and into the inner chambers. Oh, how like the old house I knew when I was a mortal boy! And Marius was there. I knew it.

"Marius?" I called out for him. And he was there, dressed in a dark red coat and black pants, his blond hair falling to his shoulders in thick tumbles, and a look of surprise in his eyes. Yes, he was surprised to see me. I had not visited in over a century.

"Amadeo." He said, and embraced me. He was so hard, this old one, ahrd and solid and comforting. But I was full of grief, and pulled away quickly.

"Daniel has left." I said, and Marius frowned. I always likened him to one of the old gods he had worshiped in his life. Jupiter, or Neptune perhaps. And now, his brow furrowed slightly in concern, the image was only reinforced.

"Oh, Amadeo." He said. "I am sorry. But why?"

"I fear I have driven him to it."

"He was always very dramatic, your Daniel." Marius said. "Come. We will sit and talk." He led me into a room, and pushed me gently into a large comfortable chair. "Now. What happened?"

I told him all. How I had found Daniel, how he had yelled so, and how he had ran from me. I told him how it was my fault, I treated him wrong. Marius folded his hands, listening intently to me.

"Ah, the passions of the young." He said, nodding his head. "Yes, it is very much like your Daniel to do something like that."

"He will return...?" Surely that had not been my vocie, so pleading and so weak.

"Not on his own." Marius frowned sadly at me. "You must go after him. You must prove to him he is worth it."

"Will it do any good?" I kenw Daniel. He was my fledgling. Once he got an idea in his head, it was impossible to dislodge it. And he thought I didn't love him.

"It will do all the good." Marius assured me. "He is full of fire. You must learn to tame it without being burnt." My maker smiled at me, and I nodded, lowering my eyes. I didn't want to tame Daniel's fire. It was his fire I loved.

"Thank you." I said.

"There are no thanks needed. You must feed, I can tell. Please, stay the night here." Marius rose as I did, and I nodded. I did need to feed. In my pain and panic I had forgotten. I didn't speak, but turned and went into the city. I was like a ghost. I don't even rememebr who I took, only that I did. And then I slept.

I left the next night. I had to find my Daniel, had to make him see that I loved him! But where could he have gone? He was always so good at avoiding anyone and everyone, what chance did I have to find him?

I went back to the states, first. It was his home, and perhaps his first insticnt had been to return to familiar territory. All over America I traveled, New York, Boston, San Fransisco, Chicago. And no trace of my beloved. I went to New Orleans, to Louis. But Louis could help me no more then Marius.

No, Daniel hadn't been by. Why? No, Louis hadn't heard from Daniel. But wasn't it awful, what had happened? And didn't Louis wish Armand the best of luck. But where was I to go? The world was a vast place, even for a being such as me. Daniel could be anywhere, and he had left me no trail. My only hope was the others, that perhaps they could sense him for me.

And so I went to Canana, the vast wilderness' where I knew Khayman had taken to. He was strong, and he would sense my Daniel, point me in the right direction.

How could he live like this? The vast nothingness, the cold, the wind. It made my soul ache. Could any sane creature take pleasure in a place such as this? Poor Khayman. I had always feared for his mind. Ever since brushing it so long ago, at Lestat's concert. Poor confused creature. And here he was. I could feel him, and his presence was a comfort to me.

I moved silently towards him, towards the small one rooem dcabin in which he confined himself. What did he live off of here? Or was he old and strong enough to forgoe the blood? I could not stay long. I would need to feed.

He knew I was coming. He was standign in his doorway, a fur cloak billowing about him, and his black hair fanned around his shoulders. He was so white, as white as the snow. he looked a creature out of a legend. And of course, he was.

"Armand." He said, making no move towards me. I was wary. I slowed my approach, wrapping my thoughts around me. He would learn nothing from me.

"Khayman." I said, evenly. I drew to a stop a few feet away from him. My suspision was obvious.

"Please." The old one said, shaking his head. "I mean you no harm. But I fear I have sad news."