Scooby Don’t!

It started as a normal day in Sunnydale. Buffy, Willow, Angel, Xander and Spike were at the Bronze, not doing much of anything. Xander and Spike were arguing over who ordered the Onion Blossom, and Angel was reading a newspaper.

“It’s my bloody onion!” Spike insisted.

“Okay, it is so not yours!” Xander protested. “I ordered the onion, I get to eat it!”

“S’not fair, you taking onions out of the mouths of the hungry. Now give me that appetizer or I’ll have to hurt you!”

“Can’t you just share the stupid thing?” Buffy asked. “It’s big enough.” Xander and Spike eyed each other over the onion. Obviously, that suggestion did not sit well with either of them.

“Hey guys!” Angel said, putting the paper down. “Look at this!” He pointed at an article.

“Golly.” Willow said, grabbing up the paper. “Some broke into the Sunnydale Natural History Museum!”

“We have a Natural History Museum?” Xander asked.

“We have everything.” Buffy reminded him.

“You sure it wasn’t Art Museum?” Spike asked. “We have one of those too.”

“Oh yeah. So what was stolen?”

“It says here a rare and ancient artifact was taken. ‘The Fire Heart Ruby.’ It’s worth over a million dollars at least! There are no suspects so far, but police are making inquiries.” Willow frowned. “That’s funny.”

“What?” Buffy asked.

“Well, this is Sunnydale. And a perfectly ordinary million dollar jewel was stolen, and no one was killed. You don’t think this was a normal robbery, do you?”

“In Sunnydale?” Xander asked, incredulously. “There’s no such thing.”

“Well, you never know.” Spike said around a mouthful of Blooming Onion. “Some bloke’s short on cash, maybe he needs some sort of operation for his mum or some such, so he knicks a precious stone. Isn’t there anything else in there? I swore I read something about a...”

Everyone looked at him, and Xander grabbed the onion.

“Spike, come on.” Angel said. “Think about that a minute. Something or someone is stolen or killed at least twice a week, and it is never a simple crime.”

“So what are we going to do?” Willow asked.

“The only thing we can do.” Angel said. “Come on guys. It looks like we have a mystery on our hands!”

The gang all piled into their van (borrowed from Oz, who didn’t really need it since he was meditating in the mountains of Tibet) and headed to the museum. The museum was closed, but that didn’t make any difference.

“Hi!” Angel said to the security guard at the door. “We’re just a bunch of teenagers who solve mysteries. Can we look around the museum?”

“Why not.” The guard said, shrugging. “You’re looking into the missing ruby, huh?”

“Yeah.” Willow said. “Did you see anything weird the night it was stolen?”

“Nope, not really. It’s funny, but usually when there’s a robbery the night guard ends up dead. Guess I’m pretty lucky.”

“Yeah...” Spike said. “Can we get on with this, please? Temptation Island’s on tonight.”

“Of course...it could have been the...uh...Museum Monster.” The guard continued.

“The what?” Xander asked.

“The Museum Monster. There’s been rumors that a hideous monster lives in the sewers under the museum. It comes up sometimes, and drags hapless security guards away to its lair. They’re never seen again.”

“What would a monster want with a priceless ruby?” Willow asked.

“Who knows?” The guard shrugged as he unlocked the doors for them. “I don’t know why monsters do what they do. But it makes more sense then some normal robber taking it. Maybe there’s more to that ruby then we know. You kids be careful, all right?”

“Oh, don’t worry about us.” Angel said, waving to the security guard. “We can take care of ourselves.”

“I bet it’s him.” Spike said. “I mean, isn’t it sort of suspicious, him being on duty and not dying or even seeing something?”

“Maybe...” Angel said. “But we have to look for clues. Come on.”

“What exactly are we looking for?” Willow asked.

“Clues.” Angel said. “You know. Things. That tell us stuff. About the crime.”

“Right...” Spike said.

“Well, do you have a better idea?” Buffy snapped.

“Go home and forget this whole thing ever happened?”

“We’re not going home.” Angel said. “All right, this a big museum. We’d better split up. Buffy, Willow and me will go down that way. Xander, you and Spike go that way.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Xander protested. “Why do I have to go with him?”

“Because that’s the way it works. Oh, and uh, I think the museum might have all sorts of booby traps and hidden passages, so be careful.”

“Come on.” Buffy said, taking Angel’s arm. “The sooner we solve this mystery, the sooner we can be home.”

“You know, I never noticed how freaky the museum was before.” Xander said, swinging his flashlight around.

“Whine whine. Shut your bloody trap, will ya?” Spike snapped. “You’ll scare the monster away.”

“Oh please! There’s no such thing as the Museum Monster.”

“There isn't, is there?” Spike kicked at the dust on the floor. “I wouldn’t be so sure, if I was you.”

“Why?”

“Oh you know, I keep my ear to the ground.” Spike didn’t offer anymore information. He swung his flashlight around, not paying much attention to anything.

“Well...what have you heard?” Xander asked, nervously.

“Oh same old same old. Big, horrid, dripping fang monster running around under the museum. Eating people and things like that. All very dangerous and scary.”

“You’re not serious. Are you?”

“Oh sure. I’ve seen it myself. Nasty bugger. What was that?” Spike whirled around, pointing his flashlight behind Xander.

“What? What?” Xander whirled around, brandishing his flashlight.

“Just thought I saw something.” Spike shrugged. “Oh well.”

“What id you think you saw? Was it the monster?”

“Could have been. But this is the sort of monster that you don’t see until it’s too late. Too bad we’re all by our lonesomes, huh? Now come on, let’s go down this completely unlighted corridor.”

“There’s something weird going on here.” Angel said, looking closely at the place where the ruby should be.

“Well, yeah.” Willow said. “Robbery. Missing ruby. That’s why we’re here.”

“No, I mean there’s something weird about the robbery. I just can’t put my finger on it...” Angel sighed.

“You don’t think there really is a Museum Monster, do you?” Buffy asked. She was looking at the other artifacts that were traveling with the ruby.

“Of course there isn’t.” Angel said. “It’s just a stupid legend. And it’s not even a legend, since those have to be around for a while. I mean, have you ever heard of a museum monster before?”

“Never.” Willow agreed. Suddenly, they heard a noise, somewhere in the museum.

“What was that?” Buffy asked, grabbing Angel’s arm.

"I’m not sure...” Angel said, looking around. “But I’m going to find out. Come on!”

“Bloody hell!” Spike exclaimed. The flashlight battery had gone out. The hallway was plunged into darkness.

“What happened?” Xander yelled. “Spike? Spike, where are you?”

“Over here you idiot.” Spike called out. “The same place I was standing when the battery died. You think I’m going to wander around a haunted museum in the dark? Not bloody likely!”

“What do we do?” Xander asked.

“Uh...stay where we are and hope the others find us?” Spike offered. He leaned against the wall, and felt something shift underneath him. “Huh.”

“Ah!” Xander screamed. Spike looked in that direction for a moment.

“Everything all right?” Spike asked. “Xander? Oh well. Hey, what do you know!” He thumped the flashlight in his hand. “Batteries weren’t dead after all...”

“Angel, I’m scared!” Buffy said.

“Don’t worry. It’s just an old museum. The pipes are probably just noisy.” Angel replied.

“We haven’t found any clues yet.” Willow said. “I mean, what sort of clues should we be looking for?”

“Just...clues.” Angel answered vaguely. “Okay, I know I heard something that time.”

“I heard it to.” Willow said. Buffy just pressed herself closer to Angel.

“I think our thief’s come back. If we’re lucky, we can catch him in his own trap!”

“That didn’t make any sense.” Willow pointed out. “Since I don’t think the thief is trying to catch us.”

“Oh, never mind.” Angel said. “There’s someone out there.”

“Oh!” Willow exclaimed. “I found a clue! Oh, no, it’s just a cigarette. Ew.”

“Well, a cigarette is a clue.” Buffy said. “It means the thief smokes!”

“Not necessarily.” Angel said. “He might have just been using the smoke to detect the alarms.”

“You think?” Willow asked.

“Yeah. I saw it on Highlander. Let’s go. I don’t want to stand around while that thief makes off with more stolen goods!”

Xander was alone and afraid. Spike’s flashlight had gone dead, and then a pit had opened up underneath him and he was in the basement. In Xander’s experience, basement’s were never good.

“H-hello?” He called out. At least there was light down here. “Anyone there?”

No one answered, and Xander stood up. It was an ordinary basement, with old boxes and things covered with brown cloths. There was dust on the floor, and a few footprints...wait a minute! Footprints!

“Well, what have we here.” Xander said, looking down. The prints went out the door, and started at a large box in the corner. Xander went over to the box, and pushed at it. It moved aside, revealing a tunnel down into the sewers.

“The Museum Monster!” Xander breathed. He shoved the box back and ran out the door before the monster could get him.

“Why do I get the feeling it’s just toying with us?” Buffy asked.

“Because we’ve been following after it for over an hour.” Angel replied. “You know, I bet it is the security guard. He’s probably some demon or something.”

“Well, the mayor was a giant snake monster.” Willow offered. “It’s not out of the question.”

“We should be on our guard. Who knows what’s lurking in the darkened corners?”

“Um...” Buffy started to say something, but decided against it.

“What's that?” Willow asked, pointing. A great looming shape stumble out of the darkness. Angel could just make out a large, square shaped head, a billowing cloak, and very large hands.

“It’s the monster!” Buffy exclaimed.

“Ungh!” The monster said, lurching forward.

“Let’s get out of here!” Angel said, breaking into a run. Willow and Buffy were right behind him.

“Down here!” Willow said, turning suddenly down a side corridor. Angel and Buffy skidded around the corner, crashing into Willow and landing in a heap on the floor.

“Everyone be quiet!” Angel hissed.

“Can’t I just kick it’s butt like I always do?” Buffy asked.

“No. We just have to wait for it to go away.”

They sat in silence for a while, Willow thinking about clues, and Angel and Buffy just sort of hugging each other.

“I think it’s gone.” Willow said.

“I think so, too.” Angel stood up, still holding onto Buffy.

“Now what?” Buffy asked.

“I don’t know. We have to catch the monster somehow. Let’s find Spike and Xander, and see if they’ve found anything out!”

Xander was hopelessly lost. He wandered around in circles, looking for anyone. At this point, even the monster would be better then nobody.

“Hello?” Xander called. “Hello?”

“Ungh!”

“AH!” It was the monster! Xander turned, and ran to the nearest exhibit he could find. He had to hide from the monster! Seeing a display of Eskimos, Xander clambered up on to the exhibit, shoved aside an Eskimo mannequin and pulled on it’s furry coat. He stood with the others, staring into a kettle of fish.

“Ungh!” The monster was still out there. Xander held very still, peering at it out of the corner of his eye. It had a great square head that looked a yellowish color, and huge hands. It lurched about in an awkward gate, and all in all, looked pretty poorly put together.

Go away, go away, go away, Xander though very hard at it. His nose was starting to itch. Suddenly the monster looked right at him! It had great dark holes for eyes. Xander didn’t know what to do.

“Uh...fish?” He offered, indicating the kettle. It didn’t work. The monster lunged, and Xander threw the kettle at him and ran.

“What is it?” Buffy asked, when Angel suddenly stopped.

“Shh. I head someone.” Angel pulled his arm out of Buffy’s grasp, and looked around. Someone was coming their way.

“Look out!” Willow screamed. Angel turned around just as something barreled into him, knocking him down.

“Monster!” Angel screamed, flailing about with his hands. “Get it off! Get it off!”

“Um....” Buffy said nervously, looking imploringly at Willow.

“Its not a monster Angel.” Willow said.

“Well, get it off! Get it off me now! Ow! It hurts!” Angel had his eyes closed, and was still flailing his hands uselessly.

“You bastard!” The not-monster said, grabbing Angel by the neck. “You stole my part! I’m supposed to be the main male character who states the obvious and hugs Buffy!”

“Get it...huh?” Angel opened his eyes. “Riley! Get off of me!” Angel kicked out, and toppled Riley off of him.

“You stole my part! I’m supposed to be running around with Buffy in dark buildings!” Riley yelled again.

“I didn’t steal anything.” Angel protested. “I got this part fair and square. I’m much better at looking good and stating the obvious then you are.”

“You are not!”

“Are to!”

“Are not!”

“Are to!”

“Both of you!” Willow screamed. “There is a monster on the loose in the museum and you two are arguing over who states the obvious better. Honestly!”

“Well, I am better.” Angel said, petulantly.

“It doesn’t matter.” Buffy said. “Pretty soon, neither of you are going to be running anywhere with me. Now we have to find Xander and Spike. Riley, since you’re here, you can stay. But don’t fight with Angel.”

“Ha.” Riley said. “I get to stay.”

“ ‘I get stay.’” Angel repeated mockingly. “But I’m still the leader!”

“Excuse me, but no.” Riley said. “I have training.”

“Well, I have fangs, so I say I’m the leader.”

“You wouldn’t...”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” At that moment, Xander ran through the small group, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“Look!” Riley and Angel said at the same time. “It’s Xander and Spike...”

“Where’s Spike?” Angel asked.

“And why’s Xander running like that?” Riley asked.

“Hello!” Willow said. “The monster! It doesn’t look like it’s chasing Xander...oh look, there’s Spike!”

“Hello all.” Spike said, sauntering up. “What’d I miss? Hey, what’s tall blonde and boring doing here?” He indicated Riley, who bristled at the insult.

“It’s a long story.” Willow said.

“Did you find anything out?” Buffy asked.

“Nope. Oh, yes I did actually.”

“What?” Everyone turned to him.

“These flashlights are pieces of crap.”

Then there was a crash. It was the crash of Xander colliding with an exhibit of dinosaur bones. The group wandered over, and saw Xander sitting amongst a heap of bones.

“The m-monster!” Xander exclaimed.

“I think Xander’s been overdoing it.” Spike said. “He thinks he saw the monster.”

“We saw it too, Spike.” Angel said.

“I didn’t.” Riley said. “What monster?”

“This is what you get for coming in in the middle of the episode.” Willow admonished. She quickly explained what was going on.

“Oh. Okay.” Riley shrugged. “I’ve never heard of a demon looking like that.”

“Me neither.” Buffy admitted. Suddenly, the lights went out.

“The lights went out!” Angel and Riley said.

“What happened?” Buffy asked.

“Well, isn’t that odd?” Spike’s voice came from somewhere. “Not a very well built museum, is it, lights going out and whatnot. It’s a public danger it is.”

“Everyone stay where they are!” Riley ordered.

“That’s my line!” Angel wailed. “Buffy, he’s stepping on my lines!”

“Actually,” Xander said. “He’s stealing them. But hey, whatever.”

“Ah! Oh no, bloody hell...”

“That sounded like Spike!” Angel said. “I think the monster got him.”

“Oh no.” Xander said, deadpan. “Too bad.”

“Ungh!”

“It’s the monster!” Xander screamed. “I’d know that monosyllabic grunt anywhere!”

“Someone do something!” Buffy screamed.

“Oh, hey, what do you know.” Angel said. “He-he. I forgot I could see in the dark. Yup, there it is, over near the fuse box.”

“Don’t just stand there, do something!” Xander said.

“Well, I just remembered I had night vision glasses!” Riley said. “I see it to! I’ll capture it...”

“Great, now it’s running away.” Angel said. “Good going Riley. Riley scared the monster away, everybody!”

“Riley!” Buffy shook her head. “Well, someone get these lights back on.”

Riley and Angel tripped over each other to get to the fuse. Eventually, after much scratching and cursing, they got the lights back on.

“Poor Spike.” Willow said. She shook her head sadly.

“Hey, better him then us.” Xander said, picking himself up. “So, how’re we going to catch this monster?”

“Well, we can use these bones to make a cage...” Angel said.

“We can shoot it...” Riley offered.

“Um, let’s go with the cage.” Buffy decided. Angel shot Riley a triumphant look.

“Come on guys, lets get going!”

It didn’t take long for them to make a cage, suspend it from the ceiling, and work out the rest of the plan.

“See, I figure Xander can lure it in here. Willow and I will have the rope, and Buffy will be at the fuse box. We’ll have the lights off, and as soon as the monster’s under the cage, I’ll give Buffy the signal to turn on all the lights, disorienting the monster. Then we drop the cage.”

“What do I do?” Riley asked. “I’m a trained...”

“Stand over there out of trouble.” Angel said.

“I don’t want to be bait!” Xander wailed.

“Would you do it for a Spike Snack?” Willow held up a box.

“A what?” Xander asked.

“A Spike Snack.” Willow repeated. “See, they even have a picture of Spike on the box.” Sure enough, Spikes grinning face was on the front of the box.

“Yeah, okay, but what’s in the box?”

“Um...” Willow opened the box and looked in. “They look like dog treats, actually.”

“Dog treats?” Xander raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah. Shaped like various body parts, but dog treats.” Willow shook the box. “You know you want one!”

“Are they chocolate flavored?”

“Sure.” Willow smiled.

“Well...”

“Two Spike Snacks?”

“Okay.” Xander held out his hand. “Hey, I got a finger and an ear!”

“Just get the monster in here.” Riley said, shoving Xander out the door.

“This sucks.” Xander said, munching on a Spike Snack. Oddly enough, they did taste like chocolate. “Spike’s supposed to be doing this. Or at least doing this with me. Here, monster!”

“Ungh!”

“Ah!” Xander leapt backwards. The monster was right in front of him. He turned and ran, leading the monster right to the room with the cage...

***

“Here they come!” Riley yelled.

“SHH!”

“Sorry.” Riley shut up, but the damage was done. The monster paused inside the doorway.

“Buffy, now!” Angel yelled. At least they could disorient it and jump it.

“Now what...?”

“The lights!” Willow reminded her .

“Oh right, the lights!” Buffy flipped up the lights, but it didn’t seem to have any affect. Besides the fact, Willow had let go of the rope dropping the cage onto Xander, and Angel and Riley had both jumped for the monster at the same time.

“Got it!” They both said, as they piled on top of the monster. “Hey...”

“Um...” Willow, Buffy and Xander crowded around the monster.

“It doesn’t look very monster like.” Buffy said.

“It’s wearing a mask it stole from the Mayan exhibit.” Willow pointed out. “And oven mitts.”

“It’s time to unmask this monster for who he is!” Angel said dramatically, pulling off the mask. “The security...Spike!?!?”

“Don’t look so bloody surprised.” Spike said.

“But the monster got you...Oh.” Xander said. “Hey! You opened that pit up under me. And I bet those were your footprints I found in the cellar!”

“They were. But you people aren’t even supposed to be here! We’re supposed to be over at the art museum where a cursed sculpture of the ancient Screaming God Mu was stolen! You idiots read the wrong newspaper article!”

“Oh, yeah, nice try.” Angel said. “Try to shift the blame off of yourself.”

“Why’d you do it, Spike?” Buffy asked.

“Because I found a demon neurosurgeon who’ll take this bloody chip out of my head, but he charges an arm and a leg. That ruby was my ticket to freedom from you idiots.”

“Well, looks like you’re stuck.” Angel said, tying Spike up. “Come on.”

They hauled Spike outside, where the security guard was waiting. There were also two women at the bottom of the museum stairs, looking quite upset.

“Dru?” Spike asked.

“Darla?” Angel exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you!” Darla snapped. Both women were dressed in expensive gowns. “You were supposed to be at the art museum hours ago! We’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting!”

“Huh...” They all exchanged looks.

“Naughty, naughty.” Druscilla said. “We went to all that trouble, too...”

“Didn’t you read the script! That’s the whole point. I’m a wealthy philanthropist who donates a lot of money to the museum so it can buy this statue, then it gets stolen at the opening night, where you're supposed to be! You all think it’s the struggling artist who was supposed to have an exhibit, but didn’t because I paid for this exhibit. Or Dru, who’s a very rich but slightly insane art patron with a dark secret. Everyone else thinks its the curse. Then it turns out it’s actually me. I paid for the statue to be brought here so I could steal and use it to take over the city.”

“Oh.” Was all anyone had to say. “Well then...” Angel untied Spike, and edged sheepishly away.

“I told you.” He said. “You ought to listen to me more often.”

“Well...we solved the ruby mystery.” Willow offered.

“Yeah...” Buffy said. “So, uh, yeah.”

“Well, don’t we all feel silly.” Xander said. “You know, I thought the whole Museum Monster was a little bit lacking.”

“A cursed statue makes much more sense.” Willow agreed.

“We had scripts?” Angel asked. “Oh look, we did. Well, let’s finish this up, okay?”

“Fine.” Spike snapped. “Oh no. Yes, I did it, and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids. There.”

“Oh, now we all go to the Bronze!” Buffy exclaimed.

“Even Spike?” Xander asked.

“Even me.” Spike said. “Besides, you still owe me a bloody onion.”

“Blooming onion.” Xander corrected.

“Whatever.” The End