Kowalski's Island

Starring:

Ray Kowalski

As:

Ray Kowalski

Benton Fraser

As:

Professor Fraser

Francesca Vecchio

As:

Frannie

Margaret Thatcher

As:

Meg-Anne

Harding Welsh

As:

Welsh

And:

Bob Fraser and Buck Frobisher

As:

Bob and Buck.

Written, Created, Directed and Produced

By:

Lover in the Savage Garden

This is the story of seven castaways. They left a harbor in Chicago, and were planning a three hour tour on Lake Michigan. But a great storm blew up, and the ship washed ashore on an uncharted island in the middle of lake Michigan. There, the seven castaways must adjust to life as best as possible.

"Is everyone all right?" Professor Fraser asked when he came to.

"I think so." Frannie said, rubbing her head.

"What happened?" Ray asked.

"A storm, what else?" Welsh snapped, rolling his eyes at Ray.

"I'm wet." Meg-Anne complained.

"Um, does anyone see Bob?" Buck asked. The six castaways looked around, but saw no sign of the old Mountie.

"Perhaps he washed up farther down along shore." Pr. Fraser said.

"So, where are we?" Ray asked, looking around.

"I don't know, but look!" Frannie said. "Our luggage washed up with us!"

"They brought luggage?" Welsh asked. "It was a three hour tour!"

"We could be anywhere on the coast of Lake Michigan." Buck said.

"Hmm." Pr. Fraser said.

"What hmm?" Ray asked.

"Well, I was just wondering what palm trees are doing on the sore of Lake Michigan." He said. The rest of the group looked up, and sure enough there was a palm tree.

"Man, that's queer." Ray said.

"That's not all." Pr. Fraser said. "There are various other tropical flora on this beach. It really is quite bizarre."

"What exactly are you implying, Professor?" Welsh asked.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure. But I believe we should see how much of the boat is intact." Pr. Fraser said. "Where is the boat?"

"It's the large piece of wood with the hole in it." Meg-Anne said, pointing.

"I see." Pr. Fraser said. "Well, I think I can patch that up." Frannie glared at him and cleared her throat pointedly. "Or, perhaps I can't patch it up after all."

"So we're stuck?" Ray asked.

"It would seem so." Pr. Fraser said.

"Oh, wonderful." Welsh mumbled.

"Well, let's explore, shall we?" Pr. Fraser suggested. The castaways picked themselves up off the sand and took a better look at their surroundings. They were in a cove with a small beach. Further inland was a thick tropical forest, complete with palm and coconut trees. They wandered into the forest a bit, and found a large clearing.

"So, now what do we do?" Ray asked.

"We should attempt to build some sort of shelter." Pr. Fraser said. "Grass huts shouldn't be too hard to make. I saw some tall water grass down by the cove."

"We have to build our own huts?" Frannie asked.

"Well, yes." Pr. Fraser said. "It's really not as hard as it sounds."

"Can we please change into dry clothes?" Meg-Anne asked.

"Oh. Yes of course. Um, you girls can use the clearing here." Pr. Fraser said. "Welsh, Ray, Buck and I will gather some grass and vines."

"You're serious?" Ray asked, as the small group made it's way down to the cove.

"Of course. We need some sort of shelter. Now, you gather up some of that tall grass over there. Welsh, why don't you assist him. Buck and I will get some vines."

"Um, shouldn't one of us look for Bob?" Buck asked.

"Why?" Ray asked.

"He might need help." Buck explained.

"Oh, I really wouldn't worry about him." Pr. Fraser said. "I'm sure he's quite all right."

"He could be dead!" Buck exclaimed.

"Well, yeah." Ray said.

"Can we get this grass?" Welsh asked. "I want to get started sometime today!"

"all right…" Buck said, sighing in resignation. The group went about their business, gathering up grass and vines.

"I wonder what's taking the girls so long to get changed?" Pr. Fraser said.

"They're girls." Ray said. "It always take's hours to get dressed."

"Oh. Well." Pr. Fraser said. "We'll just wait for them here."

Meanwhile…

"Look at all these clothes!" Frannie exclaimed, ripping through her many suitcases. "I've never had this many clothes in my life!"

"Mmm." Meg-Anne said, picking up a checkered gingham shirt.

"What's the matter?" Frannie asked, holding a sparkly sequin gown up to herself.

"Nothing." Meg-Anne replied, sighing.

"Oh, come on! You're clothes are…cute." Frannie said. "I'll help you pick out something to wear."

"Could I borrow something of yours?" Meg-Anne asked.

"No!" Frannie snapped. "I mean…They wouldn't fit you. And our coloring's so different…They'd just look weird on you."

"Uh-huh." Meg-Anne answered, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, why don't you wear the blue checkered shirt with the sunflower jeans." Frannie said, holding them up.

"Why don't you?" Meg-Anne muttered under her breath. "And what are you going to wear?"

"Oh, I don't know…How about the red sequined gown?"

"That isn't exactly island attire. You won't be able to get around very well." Meg-Anne told her.

"Humph." Frannie snorted, stalking off to the other side of the clearing to get changed. When they were done, they wondered what to do next.

"I wonder where the boys are?" Frannie asked, putting on make-up.

"Why on earth are you bothering to do that?" Meg-Anne asked.

"Because! A girls always gotta look her best!" Frannie snapped. "You never know who could be on this island."

"Besides Fraser?" Meg-Anne muttered.

"What?" Frannie asked.

"Nothing. Look, I think we should go help Pr. Fraser and the others." Meg-Anne said.

"Fine." Frannie said, taking a very small step.

"Why are you walking funny?" Meg-Anne asked.

"I'm not walking funny!" Frannie snapped. "I'm just…"

"Yes?"

"It's the shoes!" Frannie wailed. "Look at these things!" Frannie held up a leg, displaying stiletto heels.

"Oh dear god! If the shoes are bothering you that much, take them off!" Meg-Anne groaned.

"Fine." Frannie yanked off the shoes. "Now let's go!"

Meanwhile…

Pr. Fraser had wandered off down the beach to see if he could find his father, leaving Buck, Welsh and Ray in the clearing. Ray had climbed up a tree, and was trying to de-tangle some vines. He was out on a limb, reaching for a vine, when Meg-Anne and Frannie came into the clearing. Frannie was wearing a red sequined dress that was so tight, it looked as though she had been poured into it. Ray's mouth dropped open, and he fell out of the tree.

"What's your problem?" Frannie asked. "And where's the professor?"

"He went to look for his father." Welsh said.

"Why?" Frannie asked.

"Oh, he's still convinced Bob's in trouble." Ray managed. He was still gaping at Frannie.

"Honestly Ray, haven't you ever seen a girl before?" Frannie asked, glaring at Ray. "So, what exactly are we doing?"

"We're gathering vines." Welsh said. "But I don't think you'll be much help in that dress."

"Well, I can do something else. Like throw rocks at coconuts. That's something." Frannie offered, nodding encouragingly.

"She can throw rocks." Ray agreed.

"Look, I don't really care what you do." Welsh said. "Just do something. Meg-Anne, you had the sense to wear something, well, sensible. Climb up one of those trees and get some vines. Buck, you keep cutting down that very convenient bamboo. Ray. Keep those vines coming. Oh for the love of..."

Ray had fallen out of the tree. He landed on his back with a muffled thud, staring up at the sky.

"And we're supposed to have shelter built by tonight?" Meg-Anne rolled her eyes.

"Isn't anyone going to ask me if I'm okay?" Ray asked.

"No! Now get up and get back to work."

When ray stood up, Welsh hit him with his hat.

***

"Dad!" Ben called, walking along the beach. He hadn't noticed quite how ocean-like lake Michigan was.

"Right here, son."

"Dad!" Ben said. "Oh, I was worried something had happened to you!"

"What could happen to me?" Bob asked. "I'm dead, remember?"

"Oh. Well, yes, but..."

"Of course, I'm also very rich. I didn't know I was rich. Have I been rich long, son?"

"Er..." Ben was confused. "Well, let's put it this way. You've been rich for as long as I've been a professor and Frannie's been a movie star."

"Not long then." Bob nodded. "Ah well. So, what are we doing?"

"Attempting to build shelters. The boat has a hole in it. That contrary to reality, cannot be fixed, despite the fact that we have all the necessary tools."

"Wonderful. So we're stuck on this island. Well, I'll let you folks get to it. I won't be much help, what with being dead and all."

"Of course." Ben nodded. It was a valid point. He led Bob back to the clearing, where it seemed the small work crew had accomplished a lot.

"It looks wonderful!" Ben proclaimed. There were already four bamboo frames set up, and Ray, Frannie and Meg-Anne were trying to cover one with grass.

"Hey Professor!" Ray called out, as he got his foot tangled in a vine and fell over. Welsh hit him with his hat.

"Yes." Ben said.

"Hiya Fraze. I mean, professor." Frannie said. Ben gulped, and went white.

"Uh, hello Frannie. Er, that's not exactly suitable island attire..."

"That's what I said." Meg-Anne piped up, a hint of triumph in her voice.

"Bob!" Buck exclaimed. "I was worried!"

"Why? I'm dead. Anyway, which one of those is mine?"

"If you're dead, you don't need a hut." Ray said, getting to his feet and wiping sand off of himself.

"I most certainly do!"

"You can share with Buck." Welsh said. "Ray and I get one hut, the girls get the other, and the professor gets one to himself."

"Hey! Why does Ben get the hut to himself?" Ray asked.

"He just does." Frannie replied. "He just does!"

"Ahem." Ben said. "Well, I have traveled a good ways across the island while looking for Bob. This is a truly rare island. It seems to be of a tropical persuasion, and quite out of place in Lake Michigan. Which I might add, is spontaneously salt water."

"And there's no way off?!?" Frannie wailed.

"Well....no. No, I'm afraid we're stuck."

"Shoot." Ray said. "Oh well. We'll just have to make the best of it. Hey Frannie, you want help me with this vine...?"

"But there has to be something we can do!" Frannie protested.

"You heard the man." Meg-Anne snapped. "Now be quiet and help. If you've noticed , there are suddenly dark storm clouds headed this way."

"Are there?" Ben looked up and frowned. "Oh dear, there are." Everyone groaned, except for Bob, who didn't care because he was dead.

***

Miraculously, everything came together before the first fat raindrops began to fall. The huts were up, and oddly had every modern convenience that could be replicated on an tropical island. They were also much bigger then they'd looked from the outside.

Pr. Fraser sat ton his log stool, thinking. There had to be a way off of the island. And one that was acceptable to the rest of the group. Fixing the boat just wouldn't cut it. Unless...

Yes, that was it! Ben would fix the boat in some obscure, bizarre way. That was the way these things worked, wasn't it? He'd use sand and tree sap or something. Oh, it was a perfect plan...!

***

Ray was not a happy camper. He didn't like sharing a tent with Welsh. Welsh snored, and hit him with his hat far more then was necessary. And the hut leaked. It would have to be his hut that leaked. Ray bet the girl's hut wasn't leaking. Not to mention he had the lower hammock. He had very little room to maneuver, thanks to the bulk that was Welsh. How long would they have to stay on this stupid island?

***

The girls didn't have a much better night. An uneasy truce had been called, since they had to share quarters, but Meg-Anne kept trying to steal Frannie's clothes. And Frannie kept catching her. Finally, Frannie piled all of her clothes under her and slept on them.

The hut did not leak, but it certainly wasn't pleasant. Neither Meg-Anne or Frannie were enjoying each others company, and the tension could be cut with a knife and served for breakfast. At first Frannie had thought being stranded on a desert island with Fraser would be fun, but things weren't going as planned...

***

It turned out the only pleasant hut was Buck and Bob's, mainly because the two liked each other, didn't talk, didn't snore, and of course, one of them was dead.

***

Fraser presented his plan to the group the next morning. They sat around a fire, cooking fish that had practically jumped into the handmade vine nets. Survivor this wasn't.

"You see, I believe I can make a waterproof glue out of tree-sap, coconut, and various water grasses. We'll use that to seal a large piece of wood over the hole in the boat. And we'll seal it all up with a very thin layer of glass, which I can make from sand."

"Glue, wood, and glass?" Welsh raised an eyebrow. "It sounds kind of iffy to me..."

"It's the only option we have." Fraser said.

"And we do want to get off of this dreadful island!" Buck said.

"I have faith in you." Frannie purred. Fraser wondered where she'd found the blue silk toga-dress.

"It's worth a shot." Meg-Anne agreed.

"Let's do it!" Ray said, jumping up and immediately falling over. He cursed, and moved away before Welsh could hit him.

"Wonderful. Now, I'll need help from all of you. Frannie and Meg-Anne, could you gather the water grasses? Buck, you get coconuts. I'll deal with the tree sap, and Welsh, you and Ray will make the glass. I'll teach you how to do it."

"Sounds good to me." Welsh said. "Let's get started!"

***

"Now, just keep stirring." Fraser instructed. He had found a couple of wooden spoons somewhere. And a large frying pan. "And keep it smooth. We can't have any bubbles."

"Sure thing, professor." Ray said. "No bubbles."

"Good. I'll leave you to it." He nodded, and started backing away. "No bubbles!"

***

"You think it'll work?"

"How should I know?" Frannie asked, turning to Meg-Anne. "Fraser knows what he's doing."

"I know that, but that doesn't matter." Meg-Anne argued. "It can't be this easy."

"Well, what could go wrong?" Frannie asked. Meg-Anne pursed her lips, but didn't answer.

***

Buck had the coconuts. The girls had the grass. Fraser had the tree sap. They were just waiting for Ray and Welsh to finish up with the glass.

"Uh, how do we know whether or not it has bubble in it?" Ray asked, string at the grey substance.

"I don't know. Look." Welsh said. "If you see bubbles, there's bubbles. If you don't, there aren't. I'm gonna go get a fruit drink. You keep stirring." Welsh wandered away, unwisely leaving Ray alone with the forming glass.

"This stinks." Ray said. He stirred halfheartedly until Fraser arrived.

"Is it ready?"

"Uh...sure." Ray said. He honestly had no idea, but he didn't want to stir anymore.

"All right, we have to hurry. Grab the frying pan, and bring it down to the boat!"

Ray complied, and ran the short distance to the boat. Frannie and Buck were just fitting the board over the hole, and Ray held the frying pan for Fraser, who used a brush to spread the glass over the few cracks and the glue.

"There. All we have to do is let it set." Fraser said, sitting back on his heels. "And then we'll be home free."

"Oh Professor!" Frannie said, squeezing Fraser's arm. "What would we do without you?"

"Dress properly." Meg-Anne muttered under her breath, but no one heard her.

***

It took an hour for everything to set, and then they were ready. Fraser had decided they ought to test the boat, and piled it full of logs and things to simulate weight. Then he launched it, with great ceremony, into the lagoon.

"It's floating!" Frannie cried out.

"Indeed it is." Fraser said. It seemed his plan had worked! But, as the boat reached the deepest part of the lagoon, it began to sink. Bubbles surfaced around the hull, and it sank beneath the waves with a great glupping noise. And then it was gone.

"It sank." Welsh said.

"Too bad." Bob said.

"We're stuck!" Meg-Anne cursed.

"What do we do now?" Frannie wailed.

"Dreadful!" Buck exclaimed.

"Oh dear." Fraser sighed. They had lost the boat. Now they couldn't even repair it simply and sail away. They were good and truly stuck on the stupid tropical island in the middle of lake Michigan. But it had seemed so foolproof!

"So..." Ray said, nervously. "Guess it was pretty important there weren't any bubbles."

Everyone looked at him, and Welsh slowly and deliberately took of his hat. Ray broke into a run, Welsh hot on his heels. They disappeared into the jungle, and Fraser just rolled his eyes heavenward. There'd be other chances, other ideas. And one of them was bound to get them off of the island!

The End