Star Wars:

A New Mountie

A Savage Garden Production

Starring:

Stanley Raymond Kowalski

As:

Ray Skywalker

Benton Fraser

As:

Ben Solo

Francesca Veccio

As:

Princess Frannie

Bob Fraser

As:

Fraser-Wan Kenobi

And:

Ray Veccio

As:

Darth Veccio

With:

Huey and Dewy

As:

Huey-D2

And

C-3Dewy

Written, Created, Produced and Directed By:

Lover in the Savage Garden

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

It was a dark time for the Rebel Alliance. The evil Empire

had been pursuing them relentlessly. Right now, the ship

carrying Princess Frannie Organa, Imperial Senator and Rebel

Leader, is under attack. It has been boarded by the evil

Darth Veccio, right hand man of the Emperor. Desperately,

Princess Frannie attempts to hide secret Rebel documents, while

hovering above the desert planet of Chicago…

The hallway of the ship was empty. Or so it looked to Darth Veccio and his team of storm troopers. But as soon as they boarded, the hall was alive with laser fire. He had been right. This ship was actually carrying Rebels, which only led him to believe that there were stolen documents aboard. Since there was also supposed to be an Imperial Senator aboard, it was only likely that she had the documents.

"Bring me Princess Frannie!" Darth Veccio ordered to his storm troopers. "And make sure you bring her alive!"

Meanwhile…

In another part of the ship, C-3Dewey, a droid, was looking for his companion, Huey-D2. Unfortunately, C-3Dewey was having little luck.

"Huey-D2, where are you?" C-3Dewey called. He was quite upset. Not only was he a droid, but he was in a ship that was under attack. To make matters worse, his partner had run off somewhere.

"Huey, I am not kidding!" He called again. "Get out here!" But the other droid did not respond. This only upset Dewey more. He started walking down the corridor. While passing another hallway, he noticed some woman bending over something. This got his attention. She then got up and hurried away. A minute later, Huey-D2 rolled out.

"There you are!" Dewey exclaimed. "What were you doing back there with that chick?"

"Beep-beep." Huey chirped.

"What?" Dewey asked, confused.

"I said 'beep-beep.' What did you think I said?"

"I knew you said beep-beep. I was asking why."

"Because… I'm a droid."

"So am I."

"Oh, just never mind!" Huey grumbled. Dewey shrugged, still a little confused. "Anyway," Huey continued, "we got to get out of here. The ship's under attack."

"I kinda figured that one out myself." Dewey snapped. "But how are we supposed to get out? We're just droids, remember?"

"How could I forget?" Huey mumbled. "Anyway, we'll steal an escape pod. Everybody's so busy, they'll hardly notice."

"Steal an escape pod? But that's illegal." Dewey argued.

"So?" Huey asked.

"Well, you know…" Dewey trailed off, shrugging.

"Anyway, lets go."

"Huey-D2, you really get on my nerves sometimes." C-3Dewey informed his partner.

"Whatever." Huey muttered as they made their way to the escape pods.

Meanwhile…

Princess Frannie had been taken prisoner by the storm troopers and brought to Darth Veccio.

"Let me go, you big trash bag! This is a peaceful mission, you hairball!" Frannie told the imposing figure standing before her.

"Ah, cut the crap. We know there are stolen plans on this ship, and we want them. So hand them over right now." Darth Veccio demanded.

"No." Frannie snapped. "I don't know what you're talking about, you stupid moron! I am an Imperial something-or-other, so that means I have Diplomatic Immunity or something. So get off of my ship!"

"Oh, for gods sake." Darth Veccio groaned. "Look, I wanted to do this the easy way. Apparently, you want to do this the hard way. Okay. We'll do it the hard way. Boys, take her to my ship!"

Meanwhile…

C-3Dewey and Huey-D2 had crashed in the wastelands of the desert planet Chicago. They had climbed from the wreckage of their escape pod, and stood surveying the land around them.

"Oh, yeah. Great idea, Huey." C-3Dewey snapped.

"Oh, beep you." Huey snapped back. "Anyway, we're off the ship."

"But where?" Dewey asked.

"Um…" Huey trailed off.

"Guess you aren't as smart as you thought." C-3Dewey said triumphantly. "I, on the other hand, happen to know exactly where we are!"

"Oh? And where is that?" Huey-D2 demanded.

"Where? Well, we're…uh…in a desert." Dewey shrugged.

"Uh-huh." Huey shook his domed, metal head.

"Well, let's get going." Dewey said, heading north.

"Not that way!" Huey yelled, quite exasperated with his partner.

"And why not?" Dewey demanded.

"Because…I just got a feeling, okay?" Huey explained.

"No, that's not okay. I'm going this way. You can go that way. We'll see who gets out of here first!" Dewey challenged.

"Fine." Huey agreed. "But let's make it interesting."

"Okay."

"First one out owes the other a cappuccino." Huey said.

"Fine." Dewey agreed, and headed off in the opposite direction. He had been travelling for nearly a day in the vast, uncharted wasteland of Chicago before he spotted any sign of life. Life appeared to him in the form of a spark off in the distance.

"Ha!" He exclaimed. "I knew I went the right way! Hey!" He called, waving his arms. "Hey, over here! Over here!"

***

"Stupid beep Dewey." Huey-D2 grumbled. "What was he thinking? Oh, wait a minute, he wasn't!" Huey continued on, grumbling about anything that came to mind. Little did he know he was being watched! You see, a breed of aliens called Jawa's lived on Chicago. The Jawa's were known for droid piracy, and they had their sites set on Huey-D2.

Huey rolled along, humming some tune by the Backstreet Boys. The Jawa's were drawing closer.

"…I want it that way…hmm hmm…my fire…hmm hmm…one desire…" Huey mumbled as the jawa's overtook him.

When Huey woke up, he was in a big room with a bunch of other droids. Dewey was there also. He was sitting in a corner mumbling to himself.

"Hey!" Huey-D2 whispered to him. "Hey! Dewey! C-3Dewey!"

"Huh?" Dewey mumbled, looking up, startled.

"Over here, beep brains!" Huey said, a little louder.

"Huey-D2! What are you doing here?" Dewey asked, coming over to Huey.

"Knitting a sweater! What do you think I'm doing here?"

"I don't know." Dewey mumbled. "So, how'd you get here?"

"I was attacked. How about you?"

"Oh, uh, same thing. You know, they just came out off nowhere." Dewey chuckled nervously.

"Uh-huh." Huey said.

"Yeah. I guess we're gonna get sold." Dewey informed him.

"Huh?"

"Yup. We're being taken to some droid flea market."

"That's not fair." Huey said.

"Well, no. But what did you expect? Starring roles?" Dewey asked.

"Well, no." He sighed. "Anyway, let's just try and make the best of things."

"Whatever." Dewey said.

Meanwhile…

"What do you mean the plans weren't on the ship?" Darth Veccio demanded of Welsh, his second in command.

"Just what I said. The stupid plans weren't on the stupid ship." Welsh grumbled.

"Oh, that's just great! What am I supposed to do now, huh? Those are the plans for the Death Star. The Death Star! I need those plans!" Darth Veccio yelled. "I am upset now! And when I'm upset, people die!"

"Hey, calm down!" Welsh said. That was a mistake.

"Calm down? Calm down! I lose the plans for the Death Star, and you tell me to calm down? That's it! You're dead!" Darth Veccio screamed.

"But Lord Veccio…" A nameless officer spoke up.

"You want to defend him, huh? You want to defend him?" Darth Veccio asked, tauntingly.

"Um, yes…Sir." The man said, cowering.

"You don't want me to kill him?" Veccio asked.

"No…sir."

"Okay. I'll kill you instead." Veccio said, and the man fell dead.

"I like this." Veccio said, cracking his knuckles.

"Um, good sir." Welsh said feeling awkward. "But, about those plans…"

"Huh?" Veccio asked. "Oh, yeah. Uh, torture that chick we caught. She knows something. I gotta feeling."

"Yes sir." Welsh said, saluting and exiting.

Meanwhile…

It was the day of the droid market. Dewey stood, looking at the few people who had turned out. One of them was approaching him.

"Hey you!" The guy called to him.

"Who, me?" Dewey asked.

"No, the droid behind you. Yes, you."

"What do you want?" Dewey asked.

"Gee, I don't know. I'm at a droid market, talking to a droid. I think I want a pair of shoes!" The guy was getting quite upset.

"Geesh, calm down buddy." Dewey said, hoping to pacify the disgruntled customer.

"Okay, fine. Can you talk to moisturizers?" He asked.

"I don't know. I guess." Dewey shrugged.

"Yes you can, I buy you, let's go." The guy said, walking off.

"Hey!" Dewey called.

"What now?"

"Aren't you supposed to buy that Huey unit over there too?" Dewey asked.

"You idiot! Not until the one I just bought blows up or something. Didn't you read the freaking script?"

"Script? We have a script?" Dewey was perplexed.

"Yes, we do. I read it, I'm pretty sure everybody else read it. Why didn't you read it? Oh, never mind!" The guy shook his head. Dewey shrugged. It wasn't his fault he didn't have a script.

"Oh, great!" The guy exclaimed, kicking the smoking Huey unit he had just purchased. "This things a piece of crap!"

"Oh, well, that Huey unit's in great shape!" Dewey said, pointing at Huey.

"Yeah, okay, whatever." He shrugged, and started walking away. Huey and Dewey shrugged, and followed.

They were taken to a funny, dome-shaped building. The guy didn't talk much.

"Um, so where are we?" C-3Dewey asked.

"Chicago." The guy said. "I'm Ray."

"Oh." Dewey said.

"Beep-beep." Huey said.

"Huh?" Ray asked.

"He does that sometimes." Dewey said, shrugging.

"Oh." Ray said, advancing on Huey with a funny metal thing.

"What are you doing?" Huey-D2 demanded, backing away.

"I'm just gonna get that restraining bolt off of you. Calm down." Ray paused for a minute, looking at Huey.

"What's wrong?" Dewey asked.

"Oh, uh, nothing." Ray said, and whacked Huey with the metal thing.

"Ow!" Huey yelped. "What did you do that for?"

"Uh, there's something stuck in there." Ray said, poking at Huey-D2.

"Huh?" C-3Dewey asked.

"Yup. I'll get it out." Ray said, whacking Huey repeatedly. Suddenly, a light appeared. It was coming out of Huey-D2. It was a hologram of a woman in a white robe with cinnamon buns stuck to the sides of her head.

"Help me Fraser-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope!" The woman said.

"What the…? Where'd you get that?" Dewey demanded. Huey twittered something unintelligible. The message just kept repeating itself .

"Uh, let me see if I can fix this." Ray said, and again whacked Huey. The light and the hologram disappeared.

"Hey!" Ray exclaimed. "Where'd she go?"

"Don't ask me. You're the one that broke it." Huey said.

"I did not!" Ray exclaimed.

"Yes you did." Dewey said. "You kept hitting Huey."

"Shut up." Ray grumbled to himself for a minute, then went back to inspecting Huey.

"So, who was that chick?" Ray asked, poking and prying at the little droid.

"Why should I tell you?" Huey-D2 demanded.

"Cause I just bought you, and I haven't taken your restraining bolts off. That's why." Ray said, jamming something into Huey.

"Ow!" Huey cried out. "I can't tell you! I'm under orders! I have to get to Fraser-Wan Kenobi!"

"Fraser-Wan Kenobi, huh?" Ray said, sitting back on his heels. "Wonder if he's related to old Bob Kenobi."

"Bob Kenobi?" Huey asked.

"Yeah. He's some weird old hermit dude that lived out in the middle of nowhere." Ray shrugged.

"Well, it's worth a shot." C-3Dewey said.

"No it's not." Ray said.

"Huh? What do you mean nope? I mean, how many Kenobi's do you think there are ?" Huey demanded.

"Well, none now. Old Bob died a year or so ago." Ray told them.

"Oh."

"Yup. Sorry. Guess you're just gonna have to stay here." Ray said. "Well, I'm gonna go to bed and leave you here alone, without your restraining bolts. Now, don't go anywhere." Ray said, walking into another room and closing the door.

"Well. How do like that?" Dewey asked his partner.

"What do you mean?" Huey asked.

"Well, we crash on a desert planet, get abducted by aliens, rescued by a total moron, and the guy you're looking for is dead. This sucks." Dewey said, kicking at the dirt that covered the floor.

"He can't be dead." Huey said. "I have to find him."

"No offense Huey, but a corpse isn't going to be much help." Dewey said.

"Beep you. I'm out of here." Huey-D2 said, rolling out the open door.

"Hmm." Dewey said. "I could let Ray know that Huey's gone now. Or, I could wait until the morning. I think I'll wait."

Meanwhile…

"Well?" Darth Veccio demanded.

"Uh, the Princess is being difficult." Welsh told him.

"What do you mean, difficult?" Veccio demanded.

"Well, she refuses to tell us where the stolen plans are, she insults everybody that gets near her, and she, uh, bites, sir."

"Bites? Okay. Well, maybe we had better try something else." Darth Veccio decided.

"Like what sir?" Welsh inquired.

"Uh, oh, I don't know. Blow up her planet or something. That should get a reaction."

"Gee, you think?" Welsh mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Veccio asked.

"Oh, nothing sir." Welsh said.

"Good. Now, bring the princess to me!"

"Yes sir." Welsh hurried off. Another officer approached Veccio.

"What do you want?" Veccio asked.

"Um, sir, we have discovered that an escape pod was launched from the ship. It was carrying droids."

"So?" Veccio asked, he didn't see what that had to do with anything.

"We believe the stolen plans were on that pod."

"Oh, well, of course! I knew that. I was just testing you. Comb the planet! I want those droids found!" Veccio ordered. At that point, Welsh returned with Princess Frannie.

"You let me go right now, you sheep-headed moron!" Frannie yelled, kicking out at Darth Veccio.

"Hey, hey! Watch the suit!" He said, moving out of the way.

"I will not!" Frannie exclaimed. "I demand an explanation!"

"Oh, for crying out loud! We've explained it to you a hundred times already! We are going to keep you here until you tell us where those plans are!" Veccio told her.

"And I already told you a hundred times that I don't know where the stupid plans are!" Frannie screamed at him.

"Yeah. Well, we decided to give you a little help remembering where they are." Darth Veccio told her maliciously.

"Oh yeah. What are you gonna do? Beat it out of me?" Frannie demanded.

"Oh no. I have something much more…entertaining than that." Throwing back his head and laughing maniacally

Meanwhile…

"What do you mean he left?" Ray demanded of C-3Dewey.

"Just what I said. He left." Dewey shrugged.

"Yeah, well where did he go?" Ray asked.

"How'm I supposed to know?"

"Cause you came with him! Come on, tell me where he went!" Ray whined.

"Look, what is the big deal? I mean, you practically told him to run away."

"I did not!" Ray exclaimed.

"Yes you did. You left us alone without our restraining bolts in front of an open door. What were you expecting?" Dewey asked.

"I told you not to go anywhere! Why didn't you listen to me?" Ray asked.

"I did. I'm still here. It's Huey you should be yelling at. He's the one that left."

"Well, Huey's not here, is he?" Ray asked, waving his arms in an exasperated gesture.

"Nope." Dewey agreed.

"Well, what are we doing just standing here? We should be out getting him. I mean, he couldn't have gotten that far. He just left."

"Well, actually, now that you mention it, he left last night." Dewey said.

"WHAT?!?" Ray shrieked. "Why the hell didn't you tell me!?! He could be anywhere by now! I paid for you two! You are my property! Last time I checked, property doesn't run off!"

"Well, it does now." C-3Dewey said.

"Fine, fine. Alright, bring me my…uh, hold on a minute." Ray paused thinking. "Oh, okay. Bring me my hover craft."

"No." Dewey said.

"Why not?"

"I don't feel like it." Dewey said, shrugging.

"Oh, damn it! I've gotta do everything myself!" Ray threw up his arms and went to get the hovercraft.

"Are you sure he went this way?" Ray asked Dewey.

"No." Dewey said, looking at the desert.

"Then why the hell did we come here?" Ray demanded.

"Well, it seemed a good enough direction. Oh look! There's Huey!" Dewey pointed to the droid making his way across the desert.

"Good. We'll pick him up, go home, and then you guys have to work." Ray told them.

"Work?!?" Dewey exclaimed. "You didn't say anything about work."

"Oh, god…" Ray said, covering his face in his hands and grumbling. "Look, we'll deal with that later. Right now we have to pick up the AWOL droid." Ray brought the hover craft down behind Huey.

"There you are. Come here." Ray said, advancing on Huey.

"Uh-uh!" Huey said, backing away. "I'm not going anywhere with you, you lazy eyed psycho!"

"Yes, you are." Ray said, pulling out Huey's restraining bolt.

"Um, Ray!" Dewey called.

"Not now, I'm busy!"

"But, Ray!"

"Would you shut up so I can tackle this thing!" Ray said, getting ready to leap on Huey-D2.

"No, Ray!"

"Oh, for crying out…what?" Ray turned, and saw a small group of alien things.

"Oh. So that's what you were trying to tell me." Ray said.

"Uh-huh." Dewey said, moving behind Ray.

"Okay. I can deal with these." Ray said. The aliens advanced. They had long sticks that didn't look too friendly. One of them swung at Ray. He ducked, and kicked it. It fell down. Unfortunately, another alien had snuck up behind Ray and hit him on the head. Ray fell down.

"Oh dear." Dewey said. "This is a problem."

"You think?" Huey asked sarcastically.

"Hey, look! They're running away for no good reason!" Dewey said. He was right. The aliens suddenly just started running away. Huey and Dewey looked around for the cause of the aliens flight. They didn't see anything.

"That's weird." Huey said.

"Yeah, it…hey! Where'd that guy come from?" Dewey exclaimed, pointing at a man that hadn't been there a second ago. He was wearing long brown robes and an animal skin hat.

"Don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you." The man said, looking down at the fallen Ray. He kicked Ray, and Ray woke up.

"Wha…huh?" Ray mumbled, coming to.

"Hello, yank." The man said.

"Huh? Who are you?" Ray asked, sitting up.

"I'm Bob Kenobi."

"But you're supposed to be dead." Ray said.

"I am." Bob told him.

"Are you two as confused as I am?" Ray asked the droids. They shrugged and said nothing.

"So, what are you doing out here?" Bob asked.

"I'm looking for the droid who's looking for you." Ray said, wondering just how hard he had hit his head.

"Ah. Well, why don't you come back to my cabin." Bob asked.

"Oh, heck, why not." Ray shrugged getting up. "Come on you two. Let's go with the crazy dead hermit."

"So, uh, do you know a Fraser-Wan Kenobi?" Ray asked, sitting in Bob's cabin.

"Well." Bob said. "There's a name I haven't heard in a while."

"Oh, so you know him?" Ray asked.

"Yes I do. In fact, I am him." Bob said, smiling. "Sorry I can't offer you anything, but I'm dead."

"Uh, yeah. So, see, this droid here has a message for you from some chick. I told him you were dead, but he didn't listen."

"And it's a good thing, too!" Bob said.

"Huh?" Ray was having trouble following.

"It's a good thing he didn't listen. You found me. Now, let's hear this message." Bob said, sitting down.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Huey, play the message." Ray said.

"But how do I know this guy's really Fraser-Wan?" Huey asked.

"Oh my god. Just play the stupid message so we can get on with this thing!" Ray yelled.

"Okay, okay!" Huey said, he made some twittering noises and the woman appeared again.

"I am Princess Frannie Organa. Look, I'm in a lot of trouble! See, I'm this rebel leader. But I'm also an Imperial Senator. I stole some really important plans, and now Darth Veccio's after me. You have to get these plans to my home planet! They're in the droid. Help me Fraser-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope!"

"Huh." Bob said.

"So, does that, like make any sense to you?" Ray asked.

"Uh, well, yes." Bob said, nodding. "We have to get to her home planet."

"Yeah, okay. But who is she?" Ray asked.

"Weren't you paying any attention? She's the Princess Frannie. Honestly, yank. I don't know what goes through your mind sometimes." Bob shook his head and Ray sulked.

"Uh, about getting to her planet…" Dewey said.

"Right. We need a ship!" Bob said. "Where's the nearest space port?"

"Uh, Mos Eisly. But it's kind of a rough and tumble joint."

"That's fine. Can we get a ship there?"

"Yeah." Ray said.

"Well, then, let's go." Bob said, getting up.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Ray called out.

"What?" Bob asked, turning.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"I don't think so."

"Yes you are. You have to tell me about how some relative of mine was a great Jedi, and now you're going to train me." Ray said.

"Um, yeah." Bob said. "But it's not Jedi you idiot. It's Mountie! Get it right!"

"Whatever. Just do it."

"Fine fine fine. Hmm, Skywalker was it?" He asked in a monotonous tone. "I knew your brother. He was a great…Mountie. But he died. An evil Mountie killed him."

"Really? Who?" Ray asked.

"Oh, god. Fine. It was Darth Veccio, a student of mine. Now, there are no more Mounties. There, the end." Bob said, again trying to leave.

"Wait! You left out the part about training me!"

"What, did you actually read the script?"

"Yes." Ray said. Bob sighed.

"Oh, my! The force is strong in you. You will be a Mountie. Here. This was your brothers. Uh, could you open that chest? I'd do it, but I'm dead."

"Oh. Sure." Ray opened the chest. "Uh, what am I looking for?"

"Ah, don't have all the answers, do we?" Bob laughed. "I thought you read the script." Ray glowered at Bob. "A lightsaber."

"Okay. Jeez, just making sure." Ray mumbled, pulling out what looked like a flashlight.

"Okay. That belonged to your brother, Ray."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what? What part of that didn't you understand?" Bob asked. He was rapidly losing his patience.

"You said Ray and I said what."

"No, no, no! Not you Ray! You're brother Ray!"

"Huh?" Ray was very confused.

"You're brothers name was Ray." Bob said slowly.

"Oh. Well, that's stupid." Ray said.

"Well, I didn't write this! You have a problem, you take it up with the lady upstairs." Bob said. "You still think its stupid?"

"Oh, no. It's really quite clever."

"Alright. Now, can we go?" Bob asked.

"Aren't you going to show me…"

"No!" Bob yelled.

"Okay." Ray said quietly. The four of them left, and headed to Mos Eisly.

"Huh." Dewey said. "Would you look at that."

"What now?" Huey-D2 asked.

"All the storm-troopers. Wonder why they're here."

"Gee, I wonder?" Huey snapped. "Could it be they're looking for the stolen plans?"

"Oh." Dewey said.

"Oh, great. This is just great. We're gonna die." Ray said.

"Nope." Bob said. "Well, at least not me. I'm already dead."

"Oh, you're just so special, aren't you?" Ray asked as he pulled the hover craft to a stop. A storm-trooper approached them.

"Uh, hi officer." Ray said.

"Step out of the vehicle."

"Uh, why?" Ray asked, stalling.

"We're looking for two droids."

"Oh. Well, these two have been with me for years. If they caused any trouble, I'll take care of it." Ray said.

"Could I see some identification?"

"You don't have to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for." Bob said, suddenly appearing next to Ray.

"Hey! Where'd that guy come from?"

"Oh, uh, he does that sometimes." Ray said.

"Ahem, I said: you don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for." Bob said again.

"Are you sure?" The storm-trooper asked. "I mean, they fit the description. I'm looking for two droids. Those are two droids."

"Well, what about those two droids over there." Ray said pointing. "I've lived here my whole life, and I've never seen those droids."

"Really?"

"Really." Ray said.

"Hey, thanks." The storm-trooper said. "You guys can go on through."

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be." Ray said, parking the hover craft.

"Mmm." Bob grunted.

"Okay, this is the cantina. We can get a ship in here." Ray said. "But, uh, they don't like droids. So you two stay out here." Bob and Ray went into the cantina. There were all sorts of people and critters. A man and a dog were sitting at a table.

"Hey. Look over there." Ray said, pointing to the man and dog. "I bet they've got a ship. Let's go talk to them."

"Good idea yank." Bob grunted.

"Hey." Ray said, going over to the table.

"Oh. Hello." The man at the table said.

"We need a ship." Ray said, sitting down.

"I see. And who would "we" be?" The man asked. Ray looked around. Fraser-Wan had done the disappearing act again.

"Uh, never mind." Ray said, groaning.

"Alright then." The man said, smiling.

"Yea, so, I need a ship." Ray repeated.

"What for?"

"I need to go to…a planet." Ray said, suddenly realizing he had no clue where he was going.

"Of course. I'd be happy to take you. I'm Ben Solo. This is my first mate, Dief." Ben indicated the dog.

"Hello, son." Fraser-Wan said, appearing next to Ray.

"Would you stop that?" Ray said.

"Dad! What…? I'm confused."

"So am I." Bob said. "It's a very long story. Basically, I'm with the yank. Now, we need a ship."

"Oh, that's already been taken care of." Ben said.

"No it hasn't." Ray snapped. "Ben, you've gotta brag about your ship, argue, and charge us a lot of money."

"Why?" Ben asked.

"Well, 'cause. That's the way it's supposed to happen." Ray explained.

"Oh, very well then." Ben said. "Um, let's see. Alright: My ship is quite fast."

"That's it?" Ray asked.

"Well, yes. It's a very fast ship." Ben assured him.

"What's it called?" Ray asked.

"The Millenium Maple Leaf." Ben said proudly.

"Okay, that's enough bragging. Can you take us where we need to go?"

"No." Ben said.

"Well, why not?" Ray asked.

"Well, because you said so."

"Oh, for the love of…Fine, fine. Let's just go." Ray said, throwing up his hands.

"Alright." Ben said, shrugging.

"No, you stay here." Ray said. "I have to go sell my hover craft."

"But what for? I'm not charging you?"

"Because! I just have to, okay?" Ray was getting quite fed up with his co-stars.

"Well, if you insist…" Ben said.

"I do." Ray said, stalking off in a huff.

"Well, he certainly has an attitude problem." Bob said.

"Hmm." Ben said. "Shouldn't you go with him?"

"What, oh?" Bob grumbled. "Do I have to?" Ben glared at him. "Oh, fine, I'll go."

Bob left, leaving Ben and Dief sitting at the table. For no good reason, Dief left. Ben sat there for a minute, feeling somewhat out of the loop. Suddenly, a strange green alien came over to Ben's table. He started speaking in a strange alien language.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry but I can't understand you." Ben said, smiling up at the angry looking alien.

"Where's Jabba's money?" The alien asked.

"Pardon?" Ben asked, confused.

"Jabba wants her money." The alien said.

"Oh, well, that's nice for Jabba." Ben said, looking around.

"Give Jabba her money!" The alien yelled.

"But, I don't owe Jabba anything. I don't even know a Jabba." Ben said.

"You lie! I shoot you now!"

"Oh, but you can't do that." Ben said conversationally.

"Eh? Why not? I shoot you, Jabba pay me."

"Well, you could shoot me. But then where would you be? You know, this reminds me of an old Inuit tale my Grandmother used to tell me. Once, long ago, there was a young warrior named Konanihatu. When he reached his sixteenth year, he set out into the world. He traveled for many moons, and came to a village. There, he spoke with the village chief. The chief told of a wild hunter, who was killing the villages caribou. The chief told Konanihatu that if he were to kill the hunter, he could have three caribou hides.

"So, Konanihatu set out to find the hunter. But when he did, he learned something the chief did not tell him. The hunter killed the caribou too feed his family. And so, Konanihatu went back to the chief, telling him what he had found. Konanihatu refused to kill the hunter, and demanded that the hunter and his family be let to live in the village. Konanihatu then left.

"Well. I'm sure we both learned something from that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet my friends. Goodbye now." Ben smiled, and got up, leaving the alien scratching his head and wondering what had just happened.

Meanwhile…

"Sir!" A nameless storm-trooper called to Darth Veccio.

"This better be important! I'm busy!" Veccio called back. Darth Veccio was indeed busy. He was engrossed in the important task of polishing his helmet.

"We found the droids!" The storm-trooper said.

"Oh, good! I'll be out in a second." Veccio said, putting his helmet back on.

"Here they are sir!" The storm-trooper said, pointing at two dirty, dilapidated droids.

"Where are the plans?" Darth Veccio demanded.

"Bleep bleep beep." The smaller droid said.

"Huh? Where are the plans?" Veccio was taken aback.

"Garble-garble." The larger droid said.

"The plans!" Veccio yelled. At that point the smaller droid exploded.

"These aren't the droids!" Veccio yelled, quite upset.

"But, they match the description… I mean, you were looking for two droids. These are two droids…and, well, some kid said that he hadn't seen them before. He had two droids…oh. Uh, are you gonna kill me now?"

"I'm thinking about it." Veccio said, shrugging. "Ah, I'll give you another chance. I'm in a good mood today."

"Oh, thank you sir! I'll order the men to arrest that kid and his droids." The storm-trooper said, saluting and exiting the room.

Meanwhile…

Ray, Fraser-Wan and Dief met up with the droids at the same time as the storm-troopers. The storm-troopers were moving fast and had their weapons drawn.

"Oh…" Ray mumbled. "We gotta get out of here now!"

"Arooo!" Dief agreed, taking off at a run for the ship.

"Alright people, follow that dog!" Ray commanded, running after Dief.

"This is all well and good Yank," Bob said when they reached the ship. "But aren't we forgetting someone?"

"Huh? Oh, jeez, you're right!" Ray moaned. "Where the hell is Ben?"

"Who's Ben?" C-3Dewey asked.

"Oh my…Don't be an idiot!" Ray yelled. "He's the pilot!" Ray yelled. "Of the ship!" He added when the droid failed to comprehend.

"Oh. I knew that." Dewey said, still looking confused. Huey-D2 beeped something quietly.

"Oh dear!" Someone called. Ray turned, and saw Ben running to the ship, a swarm of storm-troopers and an alien in hot pursuit.

"Run son!" Bob called. "They're gaining!"

"Well, I'm trying!" Ben said, looking over his shoulder.

"Okay, enough is enough!" Ray yelled. "Ben, you have a blaster. Use it!"

"Oh, yes, well, you see I would, it's just that I'm not licensed to use firearms in this sector." Ben said, leaping into the ship.

"Dief! Close the door!" Ben yelled. The door didn't close. The storm-troopers and the alien opened fire.

"Okay fine! You can't use that blaster?" Ray asked.

"Well, Ray I just got through telling…" Ben started.

"Fine! Just give me the blaster."

"Are you licensed to…"

"Yes!!!" Ray screamed, grabbing the blaster from Ben and shooting at the storm-troopers.

"I can't understand why Dief didn't close the door." Ben wondered aloud.

"Gee, I don't know! Maybe it's cause he's deaf!" Ray said.

"Ah. Good point. I'll go shut the door." Ben said, moving to the front of the ship. A few minutes later the door closed and the ship took off.

"Okay, we are on our way." Ray said, sitting down in what was apparently the ships living room.

"Well, um, not entirely." Ben called back. "It appears that there is a large imperial star destroyer hovering above the planet."

"Well, you can take care of it, can't you?" Ray asked.

"Well, normally yes. But since the ships weapons are technically firearms…Well, you see the dilemma."

"Yes Ben, I see the dilemma. We're gonna get killed 'cause of your moral code. A very stupid moral code at that!" Ray said, running for the cockpit.

"Well Ray, there is an alternative." Ben said.

"Besides dying?" Bob asked, materializing next to Ray.

"What do you care? You're already dead." Ray snapped.

"Now, both of you stop it, please." Ben said. "I'm going to take us into hyperdrive."

"That works." Ray said shrugging.

"Now, just hold on…Dief, get ready." Ben said, flipping toggles and pressing buttons. The ship shot off into space.

Meanwhile…

"That is it! I have had enough! Bring Princess Frannie out here right now!" Darth Veccio ordered. His underlings hurried to comply.

"May I ask what it is you plan to do with the princess?" Welsh asked.

"No, you may not! You'll find out soon enough." Veccio snapped. Princess Frannie was dragged out, kicking and fighting.

"Call off your goons, Veccio!" Frannie demanded. "I'm not gonna help you!"

"Oh yes you are." Veccio said, laughing maniacally. "Welsh, go to visual." Welsh pressed a button and a planet appeared on screen.

"Do you know what that is?" Veccio asked Frannie.

"A planet, stupid!" Frannie said.

"Well, obviously it's a planet! But do you know what planet it is?"

"No." Frannie said, still fighting against the two guards that held her.

"It's your planet." Veccio said, smiling evilly. "And do you know what we're going to do to it?"

"How would I know, you carpet bag!" Frannie yelled, biting one of the guards on the hand. He yelped, and let go of her. She turned, and kicked the other guard.

"Grab her!" Veccio yelled as she made a mad dash for the door. Two other guards hesitantly chased after her. Veccio ordered two more to help. After a brief struggle, Frannie was caught.

"Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was just about to tell you what I was going to do to your planet. I'm going to blow it up!" Veccio taunted.

"Fine." Frannie said, tossing her head. "See if I care."

"But it's your planet!" Veccio said. "Don't you care about your own planet?"

"No. Fry it." She shrugged.

"No! You have to beg me to stop. Don't you care about your family, your friends? Anything?" Veccio asked.

"No."

"Oh. Okay then. Uh, well, blow it up anyway." Veccio said. Welsh shrugged, and pressed a big red button.

"No! Wait! That was reverse psychology! You weren't supposed to blow up my planet!" Frannie wailed. "Oh, that is it, you are dead!" Frannie struck out with her feet, and they connected with Darth Veccio's legs.

"Hey, hey! Watch the suit! This is Armani!" Veccio moaned. "Now, tell us where the plans are!"

"Why should I tell you? You just blew up my planet?!"

"Um, sir, you were supposed to ask her where they were before you blew up the planet. And, you were supposed to ask where the rebel base was." Welsh told Veccio.

"Oh. Uh, so. Where's the Rebel base?" Veccio asked.

"Um, it's, um…" Frannie trailed off, stalling.

"Where is it, princess?" Veccio demanded.

"Fine! It's on… Danceturine. Now let me go!" Frannie said.

"No." Veccio said. "Take her back to her cell and leave her there unattended. But, uh, lock the door."

"You're not gonna get away with this, Veccio!" Frannie yelled. "You can count on it!"

Meanwhile…

"So, where is it that we're going?" Ben asked. Ben, Bob, Ray, Huey-D2, C-3Dewey and Dief were all sitting in the living room.

"Oh, uh…" Ray mumbled something unintelligible.

"Uh, I didn't quite get that." Ben said.

"Are you deaf son? He said…" Bob mumbled something.

"Ah. Yes. I'll set a course for…" Ben said, turning so that the rest of his sentence was lost.

"So, uh, Fraser-Wan…" Ray said.

"Oh, what do you want?" Fraser-Wan groaned.

"Well, aren't you supposed to teach me how to use my Mountie powers?" Ray asked.

"No." Bob said.

"Yes you are." Ray persisted. "You have to!"

"My god! If I do, will you quit whining?" Bob demanded.

"Probably." Ray said. "For a little while anyway."

"Alright. Okay, um, take out your lightsaber. Good. Now turn it on." Bob instructed. Ray did so. A beam of green light shot out of the handle.

"Okay, good. Lessons over." Bob said.

"No it's not!" Ray whined. "You haven't taught me anything! You have to teach me stuff!"

"Okay, okay. Swing the lightsaber around a little. Good. Now, I'm gonna throw stuff at you, and you're going to hit it with the lightsaber." Bob picked up a paper weight and hucked it at Ray. Ray swung the lightsaber in a graceful arc. Unfortunatly, it arced nowhere near the paper weight, thus allowing the paper weight to collide with Ray's head. He fell like a sack of bricks.

"Ow! You tried to kill me!" Ray groaned, holding the side of his head.

"Gee Yank, you found me out." Bob said, not paying much attention to Ray.

"Dad! What did you do to him?" Ben asked, returning.

"Oh, nothing son." Bob said.

"Well, you did something. If you didn't, why is Ray lying on the floor bleeding?"

"What could I do son? I'm dead." Bob said.

"Ah well, good point. Ray, please get off the floor. And be more careful. I don't want you seriously injuring yourself." Ben said.

"It's a little late for that." Huey-D2 mumbled.

"Well, we should be reaching our destination in a little while. Ray, why don't you just sit down until we're there?" Ben suggested.

"Hmph." Ray grunted, sitting down.

"Don't pout, yank. It's your own fault." Bob admonished.

"You watch your back." Ray snapped.

"What are you going to do to me, yank? I'm dead." Bob grinned maliciously.

"So, what are we going to do when we get to the planet?" Dewey asked.

"Oh, don't worry about that." Bob said.

"You know what we're going to do?" Ray asked.

"I just said don't worry about it. Weren't you listening?" Bob asked. Ray lapsed back into petulant silence.

"Aroo, roo!" Dief howled from the cockpit.

"Oh dear." Ben responded.

"What?" Ray asked, as he and Bob joined them.

"Well, it would appear that there is a small asteroid field where the planet should be." Ben said.

"Uh-oh." Ray said.

"Like I said. Don't worry about what we do when we get to the planet." Bob said.

"What do you mean? Where's the planet?" Ray asked.

"Stupid Yank! The asteroid field is the planet!" Bob yelled.

"Oh. That's awful. How'd it happen?" Ray asked.

"That is a good question Ray." Ben said. "What could possibly be powerful enough to destroy an entire planet?"

"I don't think I want to know." Ray said.

"Oh dear." Ben repeated.

"I don't like it when you say that Ben." Ray said.

"And well you shouldn't. There is an Imperial fighter just a little ways off." Ben informed them.

"A what?" Ray asked.

"An Imperial fighter. And I believe it's spotted us." Ben said, studying the control panel.

"So what do we do?" Ray asked.

"Well, we could run." Ben suggested.

"Here's an idea." Bob said, sarcastically. "We could follow it! I mean, not that it would lead us to what destroyed that planet or anything…"

"Fine, fine. We get your point." Ray said. "Okay Ben, follow that fighter."

"As you wish." Ben said, heading after the fighter.

"Hey." Ray said, pointing out the front screen. "It's going to that moon over there."

"I don't think that's a moon, Ray." Ben told him.

"Well, then what is it?" Ray asked.

"I'm not sure. But I can venture a guess. I'd say that that is what destroyed the planet." Ben frowned slightly.

"And we're headed strait towards it." Ray suddenly wished he was back on the moisture farm.

"Um, yes." Ben responded. "But, it also serves to reason that the princess is being held captive there."

"Uh, Ben…" Ray started.

"Oh dear, I messed up again, didn't I?" Ben looked quite upset.

"Oh, never mind." Bob snapped. "I think he's doing a fine job."

"Alright fine." Ray grumbled. He didn't feel like fighting with Fraser-Wan.

"We're gonna die, aren't we?" Dewey asked.

"I'm not." Bob said cheerfully. "I'm already dead."

"We are not going to die." Ben said "We are going to rescue the princess."

"That's the spirit, son!" Bob said.

"Okay, but um, what do we do now?" Ray asked. They were rapidly approaching what was definitely not a small moon. It was a big metal thing. A very big metal thing.

"I'm not quite sure yet. But I will think of something." Ben said.

"Good, cause, uh, they're pulling us in with their tractor beam." Ray said.

"Oh dear." Ben mumbled.

"Well?" Dewey asked, starting to panic. "What do we do?"

"Well…" Ben was still thinking.

"Hey, Ben!" Ray said, exited.

"Yes Ray?"

"Doesn't this ship have like, hidden compartments and stuff? To hide stuff in?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Ben said. "Why would I need secret compartments?"

"No Ben, the ship has compartments. Trust me." Ray told him. "They're in back. We'll hide in them, and the Imperials will think the ships empty."

"Why Ray, I'm impressed." Ben said.

"Okay, no time for that now. We have to hide." Huey said, rolling to the back of the ship.

"Alright everyone." Ben said. "To the compartments."

Meanwhile…

"What's this?" Darth Veccio asked, looking at the ship that was in the Death Star's docking bay. It was small, and shaped almost like a horseshoe.

"It's a ship sir." Welsh informed him.

"Well, I can see that. But whose is it?"

"I don't know." Welsh mumbled, shrugging.

"Oh. Well, send in some storm-troopers to investigate." Veccio ordered.

"I already did sir." Welsh said.

"And?"

"It's empty."

"So I have an empty ship sitting in my cargo bay?" Veccio asked.

"Yes sir. But it's a very nice ship." Welsh said.

"True. Uh, we'll just leave it there for a while. But, have it guarded, just in case." Veccio said, looking at the ship. "But, not too heavily."

"Will do, sir." Welsh said, grumbling at the retreating form of Darth Veccio.

Meanwhile…

"Okay, we're in." Ray said, climbing out of the secret compartment.

"And I came up with a plan." Ben said.

"Good work son." Bob said, materializing.

"Ray and myself will disguise ourselves as storm-troopers. We will shackle Dief-oh don't whine about it-and say we are transporting a prisoner. Huey, you and Dewey will tap into the main computer and find out what cell the princess is being held in. Dad, uh, Fraser-Wan, you shut off the tractor beam." Ben said, quite pleased with his plan.

"Okay, that could work." Ray said. "But where're we gonna get storm-trooper suits?"

"Oh, we'll simply lure two in here." Ben said. "I doubt they'll have assigned more than two to guard us."

"Okay, if you're sure." Ray said.

"Oh, I am." Ben assured him. "Now, um, I'll toss this small metal gear out the door. That should bring the two guards in to investigate."

"Good, and then I'll kick them in the head." Ray added, deciding this plan wasn't that bad after all.

"Yes, Ray, you will incapacitate them." Ben agreed. "Ready?"

"Ready." Ray said. Ben tossed the gear down the ramp, and sure enough two storm-troopers came in. Ray launched himself at them, kicking one and punching the other. Unfortunately, the storm-troopers fought back. A brief struggle ensued, and eventually the storm-troopers were knocked out. Ray and Ben put on the suits.

"Everything all right down there?" They heard someone say over the speaker. Ben put on his helmet and stepped out, holding his hand up to signal everything was okay. He tapped his helmet and shook his head to indicate that his helmet wasn't working. The man in control room waved back.

"Well, that was easy." Ray said, joining Ben on the docking bay floor. When the man in the control room wasn't looking, Ray, Ben, Dief, Huey and Dewey snuck out into the hall.

"Alright, does everyone remember what they're supposed to do?" Ben asked. They all nodded.

"And I got this so we can talk to the droids." Ray said, holding up a small communicator. "Now, go tap into the computer. And stay put. We don't want you wandering around."

"Whatever." Huey said. But his tone of voice did not indicate obedience.

"Hmm." Ray said. "Okay, Ben. Pitter-patter, let's get at 'er."

"Just let me get ready..." Ben said, shackling Dief loosely.

"Okay, where is she?" Ray asked.

"Would you give me a minute?" Huey asked, sticking a metal appendage into the ships computer. "Uh, you could head off to the prison section you know? This might take a while."

"Okay, here we go." Ray said, getting out his blaster. Ben took up Dief's shackles and headed for the prison section.

Ray, Ben and Diefenbaker made it to the prison checkpoint without incident. But when they got into the checkpoint, things went horribly, horribly wrong.

"What's going on?" Some man of apparent authority asked them.

"A prisoner transfer." Ben said easily.

"On whose command?" he asked.

"Oh, well…" Be started to say. At that point, Diefenbaker broke free of his shackles and attacked the authority man.

"Look out!" Ray yelled. "He's…Ah, never mind." He pulled out his blaster and began shooting. In a few minutes, he and Dief had taken out the rest of the imperials.

"Ya found her yet Huey?" Ray asked into the communicator.

"Yes." Huey replied.

"Well, where is she?"

"Oh. She's in detention block 12, cell 6 ." Huey said.

"Okay, thanks." Ray said, snapping off the device. "Alright Ben, I'm gonna go rescue her. You and Dief stay here."

"Alright Ray." Ben said. Ray ran off down a corridor, leaving Ben and Dief alone in the room.

"What's going on down there?" A voice came out of nowhere. Ben looked around, and realized it was coming from the communication panel in front of him.

"Nothing." Ben said, flipping on the send switch. "A slight weapons malfunction. Everything's alright."

"We'd better send someone down to check it out." The voice said.

"Oh, that won't be necessary." Ben said. "We have a… leak. Of some sort."

"Who is this?" The voice demanded. "What's your identification number?"

"You know, this reminds me of a story my grandmother once told me. There was once a young Inuit boy named Anoahatep. He lived in a village that was down in a valley, far removed from the rest of the villages. In fact, the only way to communicate with the other villages was by using drums. Now, the only reason anyone bothered communicating with this village was because of the rocks that could be found in the valley. These rocks were the perfect rocks for making spear and arrow heads, and were valued highly for trade. Every week a sack full of rocks was taken to the other villages.

"Now, one day a great sickness came to the village in the valley. It killed almost everyone. Anoahatep was away hunting when the sickness came, so he remained healthy for a time after the others had fallen ill. On the third day of the sickness, the drums pounded, demanding to know why they had not received their rocks. Anoahatep was the only one strong enough to beat the drums. He told of the sickness, but the other village did not believe. They thought the sickness only a ruse. Five warriors were sent to the valley. All five of them fell ill, and died." Ben went quiet. The voice on the other end of the communicator was silent.

"Yes well, we'll send someone down in a little while." The voice finally said. "Just, uh, wait there." The line went dead.

"There. That bought us some time." Ben said.

"Rrrr." Dief said, shaking his head.

Meanwhile…

Ray rushed down the corridor, counting cell numbers. Finally he was doing something important. He was rescuing Princess Frannie. It had taken a while, but things were finally going the way they were supposed too. Ray reached the Princess' cell and opened the door. Ray realized he had spoken too soon.

Sitting in the cell was not a princess in a long white robe with danishes on her head. Sitting in the cell was a woman in a skin-tight sleeveless white dress with slits on both sides and a plunging neckline. Her hair was done up in curls in back of her head, with a few wispy strands hanging down. Ray hung his head in despair.

"Who are you?" The princess asked.

"Uh, I'm Ray Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you." He said, pulling of his helmet.

"Oh. That's nice." Princess Frannie said.

"Well, come on." Ray told her.

"What? You didn't bring your friend?" She asked, looking around.

"What friend? What are you talking about?" Ray asked. Frannie got up, and looked around some more.

"I know you didn't come here alone!" Princess Frannie was getting rather agitated now. She shoved Ray out of the doorway and stuck her head out, looking up and down the corridor.

"What are you doing?" Ray asked.

"Looking for Ben, of course! Why isn't he here?" Frannie demanded, hands on her hips.

"Oh my god." Ray mumbled. "Okay, first of all, your costume is all wrong. Two, you're not supposed to know about Ben. And C, you're supposed to jump for joy at the thought of being rescued."

"Look, I've been locked in this cell for like, two days. I had a lot of time on my hands, so I made some alterations to my dress, okay? And I'm not going anywhere until Ben rescues me." Frannie said, sitting back down.

"Look, Ben is very busy right now. He's keeping the storm-troopers busy so I can get you out of here." Ray explained to her.

"Why couldn't you keep the storm-troopers busy and Ben come and get me?" Frannie asked, crossing her legs.

"Well, 'cause." Ray said, throwing up his hand. "It's not in the script. I am. I'm the only person who has any clue what they're doing."

"Well, excuse me!" Frannie snapped.

"Alright, look, uh, I'll take you too Ben, okay? How about that?" Ray pleaded.

"Look, I told you. I'm not going anywhere until…" Frannie trailed off.

"Ray, we have a problem." It was Ben.

"Good, you're here." Ray said.

"No, um, there are storm-troopers after us. We have to run. Now." Ben said. "Ah, hello your Highness."

"Oh, you've come to rescue me!" Frannie cried, flinging herself at Ben. "Thank you so much!"

"Oh, um, you're welcome." Ben stuttered, not knowing what to do.

"Okay, okay!" Ray said. "Let's go. Storm-troopers, remember?"

"Yes." Ben said, extracting himself from Frannie's embrace. There were indeed storm-troopers. Lots of them. They were running down the hall with their blasters out. Ray began firing back at them while the small rescue party tried to get away.

"Arrooo!" Diefenbaker howled.

"I know they're closing in on us." Ben answered. "Don't worry. We should be coming on to a garbage chute soon. We can escape down there."

"Rrrrr." Dief whined.

"Well, we really don't have much choice." Ben argued. Meanwhile, Frannie had wrestled Ben's useless blaster out of its holster and was joining Ray in firing on the storm-troopers.

"Is that the chute?" Ray asked, indicating a large square panel in the wall.

"Yes." Ben said, getting down on his knees and opening the chute. "Your Highness?"

"What?"

"Oh, well, ladies first." Ben said.

"Why thank you, Ben." Frannie smiled at him, and sauntered over to the garbage shoot. Ray groaned.

"Could you maybe give me a little help?" Frannie asked.

"Certainly." Ben said, pushing her gently into the shoot. "Dief, you next."

"Groo." Dief said.

"I don't care how bad it smells. Get down there." Ben ordered. Dief reluctantly complied.

"You go before me." Ray said. "I'll keep shooting."

"As you wish." Ben said, diving down the shoot. Ray darted across the hall and jumped in after him.

Meanwhile…

"I really don't see what the purpose of this is." C-3Dewey was complaining.

"Entertainment, I suppose." Huey-D2 answered.

"Whose?"

"Who cares." Huey sighed.

"Um, is it just me, or is the door opening?" Dewey asked. Huey looked over. The door was indeed opening.

"Shouldn't we close it?" Dewey asked.

"What, and endure this torture any longer than we have to? I don't think so." Huey said, doing nothing.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, if we're captured and done away with, we don't have to do this anymore. I say let them get us." Huey explained. At that point the door suddenly slammed shut and locked itself.

"So much for that plan." Dewey muttered.

"Oh, beep you."

Meanwhile…

"Oh, ick!" Frannie said. "I'm standing in garbage!"

"Well, at least you're not dead." Ray said.

"Whatever." Frannie muttered, looking around in disgust.

"We got away. The only problem now is how to get out." Ben said.

"I'd say shoot our way out, but trust me, that wouldn't work." Ray said.

"Rrrr." Dief whimpered.

"Oh, breath through your mouth." Ben told him.

"Hey!" Ray cried out.

"What?" Ben asked, inspecting the walls.

"Something, something just brushed against my leg." Ray took a step backwards, peering into the dirty water.

"What was it?" Ben asked.

"I have no idea! It was…slimy." Ray said.

"You mean there's something in here? Oh, EW!" Frannie moaned.

"I don't' see anything." Ben said, looking into the water. Are you sure you didn't imagine it?"

"I'm sure I didn't…ahhhhhhhhh!" Ray screamed as he was pulled under the water.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Frannie screamed, leaping into Ben's arms.

"Oh dear!" Ben exclaimed. Ray's head popped above water. A long snake-like creature was wrapped around his neck.

"…shoot…it…" Ray gasped before he was pulled under again.

"What are you waiting for?" Frannie demanded.

"I'm…I'm not licensed to operate firearms in this sector." Ben said.

"Well, do something! It's gonna eat him, or strangle him, or something!" Frannie said. Ray was struggling in the water with the snake-thing. It looked like the snake-thing was winning.

"Perhaps if I tossed Ray my blaster…"

"…blaster…" Ray gasped. Ben took his blaster back from Frannie and tossed it to Ray. It hit Ray in the head.

"Oh dear." Ben said.

"…got…it…" Ray had indeed managed to get the blaster. He shot into the water, presumably at the snake-thing. It released its hold, and Ray climbed onto more solid ground.

"Ben…" Ray gasped.

"Yes Ray?"

"Do me a favor huh?"

"What Ray?"

"If we get out of this alive, get a friggin blaster license!" Ray screamed.

"Yes Ray." Ben said quietly.

"Oh stop yelling!" Frannie snapped at Ray. "If it wasn't for his blaster, you'd be dead! And Ben, it might be a good idea to get that license sometime." Frannie shot Ben a smile.

"Well, at least that's over." Ben said.

"Aroooo!" Dief howled as the walls began to close in on them.

Meanwhile…

"Hey, isn't that the communicator?" Dewey asked. The small communicator Ray had given them was beeping.

"Uh-huh." Huey-D2 answered.

"Aren't you going to answer it?"

"Uh-uh." Huey said.

"Why not?" Dewey asked.

"Why should I?" Huey demanded.

"They might be in trouble." Dewey shrugged. "It wouldn't hurt to find out."

"Fine. What?" Huey asked, snatching up the communicator.

"Shut down the garbage compactors!" Ray yelled.

"Why?" Huey asked.

"Because we're about to be crushed by one!" Ray screamed.

"Oh." Huey said. "I'll get back to you on that."

"You'll get back to them?" Dewey inquired.

"Don't worry." Huey said, sticking an appendage into the computer. "I have a plan."

Meanwhile…

"Ray?" Ben asked, shoving against the rapidly advancing wall.

"What?"

"The walls aren't stopping."

"I'm aware of that." Ray said. Huey had shut down communications with him, and now he wasn't answering.

"We're gonna die in here." Frannie wailed. "I'm gonna die in garbage!"

"We are not going to die." Ben said, picking up a long metal rod and attempting to brace the walls.

"Ben's right." Ray said. "The droids'll save us."

"Droids?" Frannie asked. "Our lives are in the hands of droids? Oh, we're dead." The walls were still moving. There was very little space left.

"How much time do we have?" Ray asked.

"Well, judging by the rate of the walls, I'd say, one minute and thirteen seconds." Ben said.

"Those droids of yours better hurry up!" Frannie warned. ""Cause if I die, I'm never speaking to you again!"

"Perhaps Huey and Dewey are simply having trouble shutting the system down." Ben suggested.

"Well, they better hurry up." Ray mumbled, wishing he had left the droids restraining bolts on.

Meanwhile…

"Did you shut it down yet?" Dewey asked. Huey had been fiddling with the computer for a while.

"No." Huey said.

"Oh. The communicators beeping." Dewey informed him.

"I know." Huey said. Dewey shook his head and answered the communicator.

"Shut it down! We've only got thirty seconds!" Ray screamed.

"Huey's trying!" Dewey said.

"No I'm not." Huey said.

"WHAT???" Dewey and Ray exclaimed in unison. Dewey dropped the communicator.

"Think about it. They die, this things over, we're home." Huey said.

"Yeah, but killing off our friends?" Dewey wasn't convinced.

"Friends? A sicko who likes to hit droids, a guy who talks to his dog, and a chick we hardly know? Those are our friends?" Huey said. Suddenly, the sounds of screaming could be heard coming from the communicator.

"Oh, god, we killed them!" Dewey moaned. "And we have to listen to it!"

"Thanks Huey! You really had us going for a minute!" Ray's voice called from the communicator. Huey-D2 and C-3Dewey stared at it in amazement.

Meanwhile…

"That was close." Ray said. The trash compactor had stopped with mere inches to spare.

"A little too close." Frannie grumbled, picking garbage out of her hair.

"May I suggest we reconvene at the ship? Dad…uh, Fraser-Wan has certainly shut down the tractor beam by now." Ben said.

"Yeah." Ray agreed. "Hear that droids? Head for the ship." Ray didn't feel like rounding the droid duo up himself. The droids mumbled something that Ray couldn't understand.

"Can we hurry please?" Frannie demanded impatiently.

"Okay, okay!" Ray grumbled. "The droids are on their way. I think. Where do we take you?"

"To the rebel base, you moron." Frannie snapped. "I have to deliver the stolen plans!"

"Geesh, no need to get snappy." Ray said defensively.

"Ahem?" Ben coughed politely. He had gotten a door open, and Diefenbaker was already through.

"We're coming." Ray said.

"Of course." Ben said. "Ah, ladies first."

"Why thank you Ben." Frannie said, shoving past Ray for a second time. Ben glanced at Ray and shrugged. Ray sighed, and followed Frannie out the door.

Meanwhile…

"What happened?" Dewey asked.

"I don't know. But that's the second time my plan didn't work." Huey complained. The two droids were on their way to the ship.

"I have a feeling there are higher forces at work." Dewey said.

"Beep beep." Huey mumbled.

"Well, at least everything worked out okay." Dewey said.

"We're not out yet." Huey warned.

"Oh, come on. What could go wrong?" Dewey asked. All too soon, he found out.

Meanwhile…

"Would you hurry up?" Frannie demanded. "There are storm-troopers after us!"

"I am well aware of that Frannie." Ray said, running to catch up with her, Dief and Ben.

"Don't call me Frannie. Call me Princess Frannie."

"Whatever." Ray said.

"I believe we're almost to the ship." Ben said.

"Hey you're right." Ray said.

"Good." Frannie said.

"Hey!" Ray called, skidding to a stop. "What's going on over there?" He pointed to where a group of storm-troopers stood watching a man in a black suit with a big helmet.

"Who cares? We have to go." Frannie said.

"No, I think this is important. I'm gonna get a closer look." Ray got closer, and saw Bob approach the man in black.

"Fraser-Wan Kenobi." The man said. "We meet again."

"Yes we do, Veccio." Fraser-Wan said.

"I'm gonna have to kill you now you know." Veccio said, switching on a red lightsaber. "I mean, it's nothing personal or anything…"

"Oh, I understand. But you can't kill me." Fraser-Wan told him.

"Why not? Cause you were my teacher? I hate to break it to you, but I don't buy into that sentiment garbage."

"No. You can't kill me because I'm already dead."

"Huh?" Veccio was taken aback.

"Sorry. I died a year ago." Fraser-Wan smiled apologetically.

"You're lying." Veccio said.

"No I'm not. Go ahead. Try to kill me." Fraser-Wan told him.

"Fine. I will." Veccio said, raising his lightsaber to strike. "I'm not kidding. I'm gonna kill you."

"I'm not kidding either. Go right ahead." Fraser-Wan stood there. No one moved for a few seconds. Ray held his breath. Ben and Frannie exchanged a look and shrugged. Dief took the opportunity to board the ship. Then, Veccio swung his lightsaber down in a sweeping arc, cutting right through Fraser-Wan. Fraser-Wan stood there as though nothing had happened.

"Nooooooooooo!" Ray screamed for no good reason. Everyone turned and looked at him. The storm-troopers, too confused by the confrontation between Darth Veccio and Fraser-Wan Kenobi, ran at Ray. Ray turned, and started bolting for the Maple Leaf.

"Why did you do that?" Frannie demanded.

"Do what?" Ray asked.

"The screaming thing, what else?"

"It was in the script…" Ray trailed off, shrugging.

"Hurry!" Ben yelled. The storm-troopers had opened fire. Ray, Frannie and Ben bolted into the ship. Dief, Huey-D2 and C-3Dewey were already inside.

"I told you something was going to go wrong." Huey told Dewey. Dewey said nothing.

"Let's just get out of here!" Ray said as Ben leapt into the pilots seat. He switched on the engines and the Maple Leaf shot out the doors and into space.

Meanwhile…

"That was extremely weird." Darth Veccio mused aloud to Welsh.

"Yes it was sir." Welsh agreed.

"Now what do I do?" Veccio asked.

"I have no idea sir." Welsh answered.

"He was already dead." Veccio shook his head, still confused. "At least that explains why I didn't sense him."

"Yes it does sir." Welsh agreed.

"What about the rest of them?" Veccio asked.

"They're flying away as we speak." Welsh said.

"Oh. Well, get a tractor beam on them." Veccio ordered.

"Will do sir." Welsh said, going over to the main control panel and pressing some buttons. "We should have them in a few minutes."

"Good. Then I can kill them all."

"Of course sir." Welsh mumbled. "Of course."

Meanwhile…

"We almost didn't get away!" Frannie wailed, flinging herself again at Ben.

"Well, we did." Ray said.

"Thankfully." Ben said, trying to steer the ship with Frannie wrapped around him.

"The only reason we're getting away now is because Bob turned off the tractor beam." Ray said.

"No I didn't." Bob said, materializing beside them.

"WHAT???" Everyone demanded.

"Don't look at me! I'm dead!" Bob said.

"We're gonna die." Ray said.

"No we are not. I'll simply put the ship into hyperdrive…" Ben trailed off, flipping a toggle. "Oh dear."

"Again with the 'oh dears'. What now?" Ray asked.

"The hyperdrive is not functioning at the moment. And there are imperial fighters headed for us." Ben said. "Ray, if you would be so kind as to man the gun tower while Dief and I fix the hyperdrive?"

"Yeah." Ray said, hopping up into the tower and shooting at fighters. It took a little while, but Ben and Dief finally fixed the hyperdrive. Without a word of warning, they shot off.

"This is the Death Star." A woman was saying, pointing at a holographic image of the place Ray and his friends had just left. "This is the Death star reactor core…" Ray half-listened to the woman explain how to destroy the Death Star. She then assigned squadrons. Ray was red-5. Ben was nowhere to be seen.

"Move out pilots!" The woman said. Ray suited up and headed to his fighter. He arrived just in time to see Huey-D2 being loaded in.

"He's gonna be my copilot?" Ray asked.

"Uh-huh." The tech said. Ray groaned silently. Huey said nothing.

"Ray!" he heard a woman call out to him. It was Frannie.

"I just wanted to say…well, I know I haven't been very nice to you…but, you're friends with Ben…don't die, okay?" She said.

"I'll try not to." Ray assured her. "But I gotta go now. We only get one shot at this."

"I know. Where's Ben?" She asked.

"I don't know. He just sort of disappeared." Ray said, giving Frannie a lop-sided grin. "I'm off!" he said, hopping into his X-wing.

The fleet of X-Wings flew toward the Death Star. All of the pilots had been briefed and were ready for what lay ahead. All that is, except Ray Skywalker. He really had no clue what he was doing. But he was going to do his best!

"This is Red Leader to Red Squadron. We're approaching the Death Star. Have your weapons ready. We're expecting a lot of opposition." As soon as the Red Leader said that, a small swarm of tie-fighters appeared on the screen. Ray powered up his guns.

"You're going to get us killed you know." Huey said.

"Would you shut up?" Ray asked, trying to concentrate on the tie-fighters. The squadron veered left, and dipped into one of the narrow gorges that covered the Death Star.

"Watch out!" Huey yelled as Ray nearly hit the wall.

"I know what I'm doing!" Ray told the distraught droid.

"This is Red Leader. Bank left Red-7! There's a tie-fighter on your tail!"

"I'm hit!" Someone (supposedly Red-7) yelled. Rebels were falling from the sky left and right. But for some reason, Ray was alright.

"Hold steady Red-5." Red Leader told him. "Red-2's going in!"

"I'm locked on target, Red Leader." Red-2 said. There was a scream, and Red-2 was no more.

"There are too many of them!" Someone yelled. Suddenly, a horse-shoe shaped ship appeared. It was the Millenium Maple Leaf!

"I got that firearms permit!" Ben said.

"Good for you Ben! Now use it!" Ray said. Ben did, keeping a good number of tie-fighters busy.

"Red-3 was just hit. Looks like it's just you and me Red-5." Red Leader said. "Cover me."

"Will do, Red Leader." Ray said, flying up behind Red Leader. Two tie-fighters were right on their heels.

"Go right!" Ray screamed as a tie-fighter came up in front of the Red Leader. The Red Leader either didn't notice, or didn't consider it a threat. The Red Leader blew up two seconds later.

"Oh crap." Ray muttered, suddenly dropping so that two of the tie-fighters crashed into each other. But the goal was in sight. The goal was tiny, and Ray would have to fly at an incredible speed, but maybe-just maybe-he could do it.

"Use the force, yank!" Bob said out of nowhere.

"Bob? Is that you?" Ray asked.

"No Yank, it's Big Bird! Of course it's me!" Bob snapped.

"Okay okay. What do I do?" Ray asked.

"Turn off your monitors." Bob said.

"But I won't be able to see!" Ray panicked. Bob really was trying to kill him!

"You have to trust your instincts, yank!" Bob assured him.

"Okay." Ray said, turning off his monitor.

"Red-5! You're monitor's off!" Someone warned him. Ray shut off communication as well.

"Now what?" Ray asked.

"There's only one way to destroy that core Yank. You have to crash into it."

"WHAT??? No!" Ray yelled.

"I'm sorry Yank. It's the only way." Bob said.

"It is not!" Ray argued. "I've gotta shoot it!"

"Fine, fine! Clear your mind, and use the force! Feel, don't think, yadda yadda." Bob said. Ray did as he was told. He could feel the core coming up. He waited until it felt right, and fired. He pulled back hard, and flew out of the trench. Twenty seconds later, the Death Star Blew up.

Meanwhile…

"He blew up my Death Star!" Darth Veccio whined while flying away from the wreckage.

"Yes he did sir." Welsh agreed.

"I hold you responsible." Veccio said.

"Yes sir." Welsh said.

"If you had pressed the right button when I told you to use the tractor beam, they'd be ours."

"Yes sir."

"Only an idiot doesn't know which button is for the tractor beam. It is labeled."

"I guess that makes me an idiot sir."

"Yes, it does." Veccio was quiet for a minute. "The Emperor's gonna blame me, you know."

"I know." Welsh said, smiling slightly. "I know."

Meanwhile…

Ray and Ben landed and climbed out of their ships almost simultaneously. Ray saw Frannie running towards them.

"You're alive!" She yelled.

"Just barely." Ray said, glad Frannie cared.

"Oh, Ben, I'm so relieved!" Frannie flung herself for the fourth time into Ben's arms. Ben caught her and held her awkwardly.

"Hey! I destroyed the Death Star!" Ray reminded her.

"That's great for you." Frannie said, not letting go of Ben.

"Your Highness, if you'd be so kind as to let go of me? I'd like to make sure the Maple Leaf hasn't sustained any major damage." Ben said, pulling gently away from Frannie.

"Oh, sure." Frannie said.

"Aroo." Dief said, joining them in the hangar bay.

"Well, Huey, we survived." C-3Dewey said when Huey-D2 was lowered to the ground.

"You mean it's over?" Huey asked.

"Almost." Dewey assured him.

"Good."

"Well, everything appears to be in order." Ben said, returning from the Maple Leaf.

"Good." Ray said. "I'm glad you got that permit."

"As am I." Ben assured him.

"We did it." Ray said, the importance of what they had done finally hitting him.

"We did it." Ben said, as Frannie took his arm.

"You're heroes, you know." She said. "Both of you."

"Really?" Ray asked.

"Really." Frannie said, smiling warmly at him. And Ray knew it was true. He looked around at his new found friends and realized that things hadn't gone that badly after all. And hey, there was still the sequel!

"Sequel?" Huey moaned. "Noooooooooooooooooooo!"

The End