A Savage Garden Production

The Princess Vampire

Starring:

Lestat De Lioncourt

As:

Lestat

Louis de Pointe du Lac

As:

Louis

Armand

As:

Prince Armand

David Talbot

As:

Davidini

Daniel Molloy

As:

Daniel Montoya

Khayman

As:

Khayman

Marius de Romanus

As:

Count Marius

with

Mael and Jesse

As:

Miracle Mael and his Wife

Written, created, directed and produced

By:

Lover in the Savage Garden

Benji couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned in his coffin, but he was bored and feeling a bit under the weather. He didn't feel like feeding, or getting up. Sybil was supposed to come in soon, but she wasn't there yet.

"Sybelle!" Benji whined. "Hurry up!"

"All right, all right." She said, hurrying into the room. "Calm down a moment. Now. How are you?"

"I don't feel well." Benji said.

"Hmm. You don't look well. This is what happens when you skip a night of feeding. Well, we'll have you right as rain soon. Armand will be back with a nice victim for you. But until then, I have a book to read you." Sybelle perched on the edge of Benji's coffin.

"A book?" Benji asked, skeptically.

"Yes. A special book. I'm not sure what's so special about it, but it is."

"What's it about?" Benji asked.

"Well, there's sword fights and torture, and kidnapping and revenge and true love and miracles..."

"Lestat didn't write it, did he?" Benji asked nervously.

"No, I don't think so. He doesn't generally write about giants does he? No, good. Because there's giants in the book. Well, a giant. And he isn't really a giant..."

"Could you just read the book, Sybelle?" Benji asked.

"Yes, yes, of course. Ahem. 'The Princess Vampire'..."

Louis was raised on a small farm in New Orleans. His favorite past times were reading, and riding horseback. On this farm there was a handyman named Lestat. Nothing gave Louis more pleasure then ordering Lestat around.

***

"Wait a minute!' Benji interrupted. "Shouldn't it be the other way around...?"

"I didn't write this." Sybelle said. "Now, isn't this a good beginning? Be quiet while I read."

***

Louis was sitting on a fence, dressed in simple farm clothes. He was holding a daisy. Lestat was doing something with a farm implement, and it was obvious he had no idea what he was doing.

"Farmboy!" Louis called. "Varnish my saddle!"

"As you wish." Lestat said, giving Louis a mock bow. All he ever said to Louis was 'as you wish'. Louis frowned and held out two empty buckets.

"Fill these with water. Please?" He asked, batting his eyelashes.

"As you wish." Lestat said, being quite thankful he didn't have to do to much line memorization.

But Louis realized that when Lestat said 'as you wish' what he really meant was 'I love you', but Lestat had problems with commitment and couldn't bring himself to confess his feelings for Louis, in case he wanted a real relationship or something. But Louis realized he loved Lestat back,

"Farmboy." Louis said, "fetch me that pitcher!" He was just beginning to realize the possibilities opened up to him.

***

"Wait, wait, wait!" Benji said. "This is the stupidest book I've ever heard. Where's the fighting and giants and stuff? Or the deep moral lessons and pathos? Honestly, you couldn't find anything by Kingsley or Irving?"

"Would you be quiet?" Sybelle begged. "This is the special book, and I have to read it to you."

***

Well, Louis did exactly as Lestat had feared. He wanted to get married. Luckily, Lestat had no money for marriage. So he packed up all of his belongings, which weren't many because he was just a farmboy, and headed off to 'find his fortune'. He decided to go as far away as he could, and booked passage on a ship across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Louis.

"I fear I'll never see you again!" Louis cried, clasping Lestat's hands in his own.

"Er...as you wish?" Lestat tried. He had never gotten the hang of scripts.

"Um...What if something happens to you?" Louis tried again, not backing down.

"Honestly, what could happen to me?" Lestat asked. "I'm one of the most powerful vampires alive."

"Well, you never know." Louis shrugged. "Over enthusiastic peasants. Forest fires. The point is, I may never see you again."

"Hear this now!" Lestat said dramatically, thanking the powers that were for cue cards. "I will always come back for you. This is true love. Do you think it happens everyday?"

Louis refrained from mentioning that for Lestat, yes, true love happened everyday. Lestat kissed Louis, and headed off down the road to find his fortune.

Unfortunately, Lestat's ship never reached its destination. His ship was attacked by The Dead Pirate Roberts..."

***

"Don't you mean 'Dread?'" Benji asked.

"No." Sybelle said, frowning. "It says right here. 'Dead Pirate Roberts.' Well, all the main characters are vampires."

"Well...if you say so." Benji said.

***

His ship was attacked by the Dead Pirate Roberts, who never left any of his victims alive. The dead do have a resentment of the living. Needless to say, Lestat didn't get away either.

Then Louis got the news that Lestat had been murdered by pirates. He locked himself inside his room and didn't come out, not even to feed. He only slept the deathsleep, and spent most of his time crying. "I'll never love again!" He vowed.

Now the prince of New Orleans was Prince Armand, and he had been looking for a bride. And he had found one. He had found in his kingdom the most beautiful and enticing being he had ever laid eyes on. Five years after Lestat's death by pirates, Prince Armand was announcing his bride. The Square of New Orleans was full, everyone waiting to hear who would be new the next Queen. Er...king.

"My dinn..er...people!" Prince Armand said, looking very princely in green and purple puffed sleeves and tights. "In one month, we will be celebrating out 500th Anniversary. Anniversary of what? Anyway, I will marry someone who was once a commoner, just like all of you. But much cleaner. And far more beautiful. But perhaps you won't find him so common now, hmm? Would you like to meet him?"

The crowd all roared something that Armand took for agreement. Of course, any crowd will yell and make a fuss over any announcement, no matter the content.

"I introduce to you to...Pricne Louis!"

Yes. Armand has chosen Louis as his bride. Er, groom? At any rate, Louis had no choice in the matter. The law was that the prince could choose any commoner to marry. But Louis still grieved for Lestat, despite Armand's assurances that Louis would grow to love him. In fact, Louis' only pleasure was in his nightly ride.

But one day, he encountered three strangers on the road. The leader seemed to be an older man, with a very large grin. He was flanked by a younger man with dark blond hair and violet eyes, carrying a sword, and a very tall man with black hair and a blank expression.

"Um...hello?" Louis said.

"Hello!" The older man said. "I am the great Davidini! We're lost, poor circus performers. Is there a town nearby?"

"Lost circus performers?" Louis said skeptically. "What are you doing out at night?"

"Being lost." The blond one said.

"Yes. Is there a town or village nearby?" Davidini asked again.

"No. Nothing for miles." Louis said, dreading what happened next.

"Then no one will hear you scream!"

The large blank faced one grabbed Louis by the neck, and he passed out.

When he came to, he decided to pretend he was unconscious to see what his captors were up to. He opened one eye, and saw Davidini ripping something.

"What's that?" The blond one asked.

"Cloth from a uniform of an officer of Rio. Sworn enemy of New Orleans!" Davidini attached the fabric to Louis' horse. "Prince Armand will think that Rio has stolen his...well, fiancé. Then, he'll find Louis' dead body on the shores of Rio, and his suspicions will be confirmed."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" The blond one protested. "You didn't say anything about killing anyone."

"Daniel, we're vampires!" Davidini said. "It's what we do."

"Well, not other vampires. And not for no good reason."

"It isn't right." The large on said. "Killing in innocent vampire like that."

"I hired you to start a war!" Davidini said. "That's it. In war, there are casualties. It's standard procedure."

"I don't think it's right."

"Khayman...did you just say 'think'? I did not hire you to think!" Davidini roared. "You were not hired for your brains, you hippo-britanic land mass!"

"What did you call me?" Khayman asked, looming menacingly.

"I'm not entirely sure." Davidini said. "Just keep going. Anyway, what happens to him is none of your concern."

"Well, since we're going to be a part of it..." Daniel said.

"I am going to kill him!" Davidini screeched. "And remember this! When I found you, you were a slobbering drunk who couldn't buy brandy! And you" he turned to Khayman "were a brainless, friendless freak wandering the streets of Athens!"

"Actually..." Daniel started, but stopped when he saw the look Davidini shot him. "Yes, sure, you found me." He said, smiling dumbly and nodding. "Don't make any sudden movements." He whispered to Khayman.

Davidini shot them a look, and they all headed onto a convenient ship. Khayman hefted Louis up, and dropped him on the deck. They went about setting the ship off, Daniel and Khayman talking amongst themselves.

"Davidini, he can fuss." Daniel said.

"He just likes to scream at us." Khayman said, shaking his head.

"I don't think he means any harm."

"But he's very short on charm." Khayman gave Daniel an idiotic grin. Daniel just nodded.

"You've got a gift for rhyme."

"Some of the time." Khayman continued to grin in an unnerving manner.

"Stop that!" Davidini shouted from another part of the ship. Khayman turned his grin in that direction, and Daniel edged away.

"Oh crap, are those rocks up ahead?" Daniel asked.

"If they are, we'll all be dead!" Khayman said, giggling.

"Okay, Khayman man, stop it. Seriously." Daniel said. "You're creeping me out."

"Sorry." Khayman apologized. "I was simply being who I am supposed to be. We shall continue. I have no doubt. "

"ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The rest of the journey continued without much incident. Khayman found a piece of string and sat down to amuse himself, and Daniel stood at the back of the boat watching the ocean.

"What are you doing?" Davidini asked.

"Making sure no one's following us." Daniel said.

"That would be inconceivable." Davidini snapped. "No one's following us."

"You are going to get caught." Louis said, conversationally. "And then the prince will burn you. And scatter your ashes all over the ocean."

"You know prince, I'd be more worried about yourself if I were you." Davidini said. "If you remember, we're planning on killing you."

"Actually," Louis pointed out. "Only you are planning to kill me. Your companions don't seem very gung ho about the idea."

"Uh...are you sure nobody can follow us?" Daniel asked.

"I already told you." Davidini said. "It is utterly and completely inconceivable that anyone could possibly be following us. No one in Rio knows what we've done, and no one in New Orleans could have gotten here this fast. Out of curiosity, why do you mention it?"

"Well, I just happened to look out there and there's a ship behind us." Daniel pointed, and sure enough there was as small ship following them.

"Well..." Davidini said. "It's probably just a local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise in the eel infested waters."

"Eel infested?" Daniel asked. "Shouldn't there be something more interesting and dangerous then eels? I mean, it's not really all that scary, you know?"

"Well, they're eels with teeth and dripping fangs and poison and things." Davidini said. "Killer eels."

"Then why would anyone be fishing..."

"Silence!" Davidini yelled. Louis, having taken advantage of Daniel's inadvertent distraction, had leapt overboard. Obviously, he didn't think eels were anything to worry about either.

"Get him!" Davidini ordered.

"I don't swim." Daniel said.

"I only dog paddle." Khayman apologized.

"ARRGGGGGHHHHHHH! All right, we'll take the ship after him. Uh, veer left, left, left...no right!" Davidini tired to vocally steer the ship, until Daniel finally grabbed the wheel and went after Louis. Suddenly, there was a horrible shrieking noise.

"What the...?" Daniel asked, looking around. Louis too hard heard it, and paused in the water.

"Hear that, prince?" Davidini said. "Those are the shrieking eels. The shrieking gets louder when they're about to feed on human flesh, you know. If you swim back now, I promise no hard will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels."

"Well..." Louis said. "Since I'm a vampire, and they feed on human flesh, I'm really not in any danger, am I?"

"Uh...well..." Davidini said. "Flesh is flesh. I mean, you're basically human. They're shrieking eels, for Gods sake, they aren't that picky!"

The eels were drawing closer. Louis began to look a bit concerned. They certainly weren't friendly looking eels. They did indeed have large dripping fangs, and red beady eyes. And they were shrieking quite loudly. Louis was frozen, though he wasn't sure why. He knew that with his preternatural speed, he should be able to out swim them, but he just couldn't move.

Luckily, Khayman reached over the boat, clubbed the eel on the head, and grabbed Louis by the scruff of his neck and dragged him back onboard.

"Uh...I think the boat is getting closer." Daniel said.

"It doesn't matter." Davidini said. 'Just keep sailing. We're almost to where we're going."

"But, he's practically on top of us!" Daniel said. "Have you been paying any attention?"

"Well, he's too late whoever he is. See! We reached the Cliffs of Insanity." Davidini pointed to the sheer cliffs rising up from the shore. Daniel, Khayman and Louis all looked suitably impressed.

"We're safe. Only Khayman is strong enough to climb those cliffs. He'll have to sail around for hours. And by that time, the sun will be up, and we'll be underground."

"Good plan." Daniel said. They anchored the ship, and tossed a grappling hook up over the cliffs. Then Khayman, holding all three of them, climbed up the side of the cliff.

"Uh...he's climbing the rope." Daniel said, looking down. "And he's going pretty fast."

"Khayman, go faster!" Davidini ordered.

"This is faster. I am carrying three. He has only himself."

"You're useless to me. I'll just have to find another giant."

"Fine." Khayman said. "See if I care."

"I mean it, Khayman. I'll find another one."

"Good luck."

"Okay, okay, I'm kidding." Davidini said hastily. "Just...try to hurry up, okay?"

They climbed the rope, and heaved themselves over the side of the cliffs. Davidini quickly took out a knife and cut the rope. Everyone peered over the edge. The stranger, who was dressed all in black and wearing a black mask and bandana, was holding onto a small outcropping.

"He has strong arms." Daniel said, appreciatively.

"Inconceivable."

"You keep saying that." Daniel said. "I don't think it means what you think it means..."

"Are you questioning me? I'm British, Daniel, we know everything. Dear God, he's climbing!"

The man in black was climbing. Quickly.

"Well, whoever he is, he's seen the prince with us. Daniel, you stay here and kill him. We're going to Rio."

"Why do I have to kill him?" Daniel asked.

"Because you have the sword, and you supposedly know how to use it." Davidini pointed out. 'You are the greatest swordsman ever, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Daniel said. "Okay then." He sat on a rock while Davidini, Khayman and Louis disappeared into the distance.

Daniel sat for a while, but he quickly got bored. Khayman had taken his ridalin, and he just couldn't sit still. He pulled out his sword, and did a few practice moves with it. To his amazement, he knew exactly what he was doing.

"Hey! I can use a sword!" He pranced about a bit, and then realized how stupid he probably looked, and sat down again. But he was still bored. He looked down at the man in black, who was halfway up the cliff.

"Hey, uh, could you hurry it up?" Daniel asked.

"I most certainly cannot!" The man called up. "Leave me alone!"

"Well, it's only that I'm really bored."

"Then lower a rope or something."

"Wellll...would you take a rope I gave you? I mean, I'm only hanging around here so I can kill you."

"That does put a damper on the relationship, yes."

"I promise I won't kill you till you reach the top." Daniel offered.

"Oh, and that makes everything all better."

"Look, I hate waiting. I have ADD, okay? Can I give you my word as a...a Spaniard? I'm not Spanish! I'm American!"

"Well, I don't trust either, so no."

"Uh...i swear on my father...Domingo Montoya, that you will reach the top alive. Or in your normal state of mobility."

"Throw me the rope." The man in black called. Daniel threw down the rope, and things proceeded quickly.

"So, you honor that oath, huh?" Daniel asked, helping the man in black over the lip of the cliff.

"Not really, I was just sick and tired of you yapping at me." The man sat, huffing. He struggled with his sword.

"Oh, I'll wait until you're ready." Daniel assured him. "Hey, do you have six fingers on your left hand?"

"God no!" The man snapped. "What the hell is wrong with you, asking a man if he has six fingers?"

"My father was killed by a six fingered man. You know, I thought they removed those things at birth."

"So did I. Well, what can you do?" The man shrugged, and leapt to his feet. "En guard!"

Daniel and the man in black fought, each one very well with the sword.

"You're using Bonetti's Defense against me, ah?" Daniel said, amazed he knew the words for things.

"If you say so." The man in black said. "I'm actually just sort of waving this thing around. But it seems to be working."

"Oh."

They fought some more, and finally Daniel started to get bored.

"Okay, this is getting old." He said. "Uh, what'dya say we call it a draw?"

"Depends." The man said. "Will you stay here and not warn your boss?"

"Well, I can't promise I'll stay here. Like I said, I get real bored real easy. But I'm probably not going to go back to Davidini, if that's what you're worried about. He's a little" Daniel made a whirling motion with his finger at his ear, 'if you get what I mean."

"Sure..." The man in black nodded. "Well, no." He hit Daniel very hard on the head, and Daniel fell over. "He was annoying anyway." Then the man in black darted off, in the direction Davidini and company had taken.

Davidini heard the noise of pursuit. He assumed it was Daniel, and was very confused when he saw the man in black.

"Inconceivable! Khayman, stay here and kill him." Davidini didn't give the tall, slightly slow vampire, time to argue. He grabbed Louis and dashed off. Khayman looked around, and saw a lot of large rocks. He shrugged, picked one up, and waited for the man in black.

"Oh please!" The man in black said, when he saw Khayman with the large rock. "You aren't honestly going to hit me with that?"

"Yes." Khayman said. "Yes I am." He threw the rock, and it landed next to the man.

"Yes..." The man said. "And I bet you did that on purpose."

"I did." Khayman said. "It is not fair. I will face you vampire to vampire. Come at me, my good man! And do be careful, because I have been known to accidentally set my friends on fire."

The man in black eyed Khayman askance, and then shrugged, charging him. He slams into Khayman, and bounces back. The man in black tries it a few more times.

"Are you playing with me?" The man asked.

"No. I just want you to think you're doing well." Khayman shrugged, and grabbed for the man. The man ducked, and managed to climb up onto Khayman's back. He grabbed Khayman's neck, and squeezed. After a few minutes of crashing around, Khayman fell to the ground unconscious.

"Well, two down, one to go!"

Meanwhile, Prince Armand and his count had followed the ship, and were standing in the clearing. Daniel had long since woken up and wandered off.

"There has been a mighty duel fought here." Armand said.

"Yes." Count Marius agreed.

"They were both very good." Armand frowned. "I do not like it. They both lived, and ran off."

"We could be walking into a trap." Count Marius pointed out.

"Yes. We could. You'll walk in front of me." Armand pushed Marius out in front of him, and they followed the footprints...

Davidini had a masterful plan. It involved poison, and trickery, and killing the man in black. Davidini set up a table and two chairs, and two glasses full of blood. The man in black approached, and paused.

"Ah! Advance, and I kill him." Davidini pointed to Louis, who was bound and gagged and lying on the ground.

"Look, would you..."

"Silence." Davidini said. "We cannot fight. You are stronger then me, but I am far more intelligent."

"You really think so?" The man in black crossed his arms. "I doubt it. But it doesn't matter. See, for plot reasons, I couldn't kill Daniel or Khayman. You on the other hand are going to be dead no matter what. So..." The man in black flicked his wrist, and Davidini fell over dead, the word 'inconceivable' forming on his lips.

"Well, I certainly enjoyed that." The man in black said. He bent down, and untied Louis feet. He left the gag in, but after he got a good kick to the shins, removed it as well.

"Who are you?" Louis demanded, brushing dirt off of his clothes. They were a step up from farm clothes, certainly. Louis always did have a taste for dark velvet.

"I'm not a man to be trifled with. Or kicked, for that matter."

"Oh. Well." Louis shrugged. "If you let me go, I promise you fortune and whatnot. See, you forgot to untie my hands..."

"I didn't forget." The man in black said. "I did it on purpose. Besides, your promise is worth absolutely nothing."

"How dare you!" Louis said, affecting a haughty look. "Anyway, Prince Armand will hunt you down."

"You think your dearest lover will save you?" The man in black spat the words out.

"I never said he was my dearest love. When did I say that? I hardly even like the man!"

"You admit to me you don't love your fiancé?"

"Of course not. He knows I don't love him."

"You aren't capable of loving!" Man in black snapped.

"Ha! I've loved deeper and harder then you could ever imagine." Louis shouted back, before realizing what he'd actually said. "Well, anyway."

"Yes. Now, shut up. I'll smack you if you keep it up."

"You wouldn't!"

"I would! I am the Dead Pirate Roberts, and I will do anything I damn well please!"

That caught Louis off guard. He frowned, and struggled with his next line, which really didn't fit given the context.

"You aren't supposed to admit it!" Louis snapped. "I'm supposed to guess! Well, anyhow. Go die horribly in a thousand pieces."

"Not exactly, but we'll let it slide. Why are you yelling at me, anyway?" The pirate asked.

"You killed my love!" Louis snapped.

"What? Another prince like this one? Wait a minute..." The Dead Pirate Roberts pulled out a rolled up script. "Armand is neither ugly nor scabby. He is, however rich." He put it away. "Another rich prince like this one?"

"No." Louis said, simpering. "A poor farmboy, with eyes like the sea after the storm, and hair like spun gold! You attacked his ship, and the Dead Pirate Roberts takes no prisoners!" Louis sighed dramatically.

"Well, I can't make exceptions. I mean, word gets out I'm weak, well, you know. Ruins the reputation."

"You mock my pain!" Louis cried. "How dare you!"

"Life is pain, my dear prince. Anyone who says differently is selling something. You know, I think I remember that farmboy of yours. Five years ago, was it? Oh yes, I remember him well. Does it hurt you, when I talk about it?" The Dead pirate eyed Louis, who was standing in a tragic pose with his eyes closed.

"Nothing yo say can upset me!"

'He died well. No bribes or anything. Oh, but he did say he needed to live for one thing, and that was his true love, a beautiful young man with emerald eyes and hair the color of dark mahogany, whom he loved more then life. I'm assuming he meant you. You should thank me for destroying him before he found out what you really were."

] "What I am? What do you mean?" Louis' voice had taken on a petulant, snobbish whine.

"Unfaithful! Whore! Tramp, jezebel, gigolo, floozy, slut..."

"I get the picture." Louis said. "But how dare you say these things to me!"

"He talked of your undying faithfulness, and how you would wait for him, and love him forever. Tell me, did you leap into bed with Armand the day you found out he was dead, or did you give it a week?"

"Excuse me!" Louis snapped. "He was the one who couldn't commit! He just went after his fortune so he could sleep around for a while before he married me. And don't try to tell me he was faithful, because that would be a flat out lie. I on the other hand, died the day he died! I loved him more then life itself, and I will until forever!"

Suddenly, they caught sight of Prince Armand's horses coming over a hill. Louis kicked out with his feet, unbalancing the pirate,.

"And you can die too, for all I care!"

The pirate fell, tumbling head over heels. They were standing on another hill, and a very steep one at that.

"As...you...wish..." He called out, landing in a heap on the ground. Louis gasped, and hobble down as best he could with tied hands.

"Lestat!" He cried out, throwing himself down the side of the hill. "Oh, what have I done?"

Armand had by that time reached the top of the hill, which suddenly seemed much bigger and rockier. He looked around, and saw no one.

"Gone." He said. "We were closing in. Ah well, they are heading to the fire swamp. A pity. Such a foolish move. Ah well." Armand reined his horse around, shaking his head. He wasn't quite sure what to do next, so he just sort of stood there.

"Oh, Lestat, can you move at all?" Louis asked. "I didn't mean to push you, not that hard, really."

"Oh, shut up Louis." Lestat rose to a sitting position, and ripped off his mask. "Why didn't you wait for me?"

"You were dead!"

"I've been dead before." Lestat pointed out. "And I've always come for you."

"Well, you know, Armand was rich...And he made me! He's the prince, we have to do what he says!"

"Fine. But now you're with me, and I decided I can commit, so we're going to get married now."

"Oh, so now you can commit." Louis said. "Well, what if I can't?"

"But you just said..."

""That may be, but you were gone for five years. I have needs, Lestat, needs. Did you ever once think about my needs?"

"All the time, Louis, all the time." Lestat assured him. "Why, I didn't once stop at a brothel that I didn't think of you."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

"Well, it isn't as if I got engaged, like some people..."

***

"Do we have to hear the whole fight?" Benji asked.

"No. No we don't." Sybelle said. "We can skip to the fire swamp. Basically, they fight for another three pages, then they kiss, then the swamp."

"Okay, good."

***

Louis and Lestat raced along the ravine floor, and then they heard the sounds of horses behind them.

"Armand!" Louis said urgently.

"He's too late." Lestat said. "We'll be safe in the fire swamp."

"Fire swamp?" Louis groaned. "We'll never survive!"

"Of course we will. Come on!" The ducked into the tangle of vines that marked the beginning of the Fire Swamp. Inside was dark and dreary, and smelled of sulfur. There were strange sounds all over, and yellow eyes peering out from the trees.

"Well, it's not that bad." Lestat said. Louis glared at him. "I didn't say it was nice or anything. But it could be worse." The continued walking a ways, until suddenly, a column of fire shot out of the ground, and Louis' pants caught on fire. He screamed, and began beating at the flames.

"Louis!" Lestat cried, and beat out the flames. "There, there, all gone."

"Oh! It was just like when the slaves tried to burn us alive..." Louis shuddered, and Lestat patted his shoulder. They continued on, avoiding bursts of flame and large vines. "We'll be out of here soon, and Roberts ship is at the other end of the swamp. Since I'm Roberts, we'll be safe."

"But the Dead Pirate Roberts has been marauding for twenty years, and you've only been gone for five. I know our chronology is screwed up, but really..."

"It's a long story. Basically, there is always Dead Pirate Roberts. The old one wanted to retire, so he gave it to me. It's been handed down like that for a while now."

"Oh." Louis said. Suddenly, he leapt aside.

"What?" Lestat asked.

"Oh, that was the lightening sand. I didn't feel like being sucked down into it. Anyway, we might as well just die here. Or at least go underground."

"N! We've survived two of the three deadly terrors of the Fire Swamp." Lestat said. "We're nearly out!"

"What about R.O.U.S'?"

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think the exist." Lestat said. They waited a moment, but no large rodents leapt out of the underbrush. A lizard wandered by, but that was it.

"I guess you're right." Louis said. Then. A huge rodent leapt out of the underbrush and attacked Lestat. He calmly slit it's throat, and tossed it aside.

"Well, we can move on now, then."

Louis and Lestat exit the swamp, and Prince Armand and his Count are waiting for them,

"Surrender!" Armand said.

"You're surrendering already?" Lestat said. "That's really very sweet."

"No you fool!" Armand snapped. "I mean, surrender to me."

"I think not." Lestat said. "I don't surrender."

Louis, on the other hand, had noticed the many men with torches. He wasn't quite as stupid as Lestat.

"Promise not to hurt him?" He asked in a small voice. Armand turned, grinning.

"What?" Armand asked.

"If I surrender to you, will you let Lestat go?"

"Sure." Armand shrugged. "Why not?" Louis gaze Lestat a longing look, and climbed onto a spare horse. Armand leaned over nd whispered something to Count Marius.

"Once we're out of sight, kill him."

"Okay." Marius said, once Armand and his troupe were gone. "Let's go, it's time to spare your life."

"Oh please." Lestat said. "I know you're not going to kill me. Hey! Since when do you have six fingers...?" Lestat peered at Marius' hand with interest.

"Never mind!" Marius snapped. "Now, I have some experiments I want to do on you..."

"Look at what I have!" Marius said, strapping the unconscious Lestat to a wooden plank.

"What is it?" A woman dressed all in white with very white skin asked, looking at Lestat.

"What does it look like, Pandora?"

"Are we going to get to play with it?" She asked.

"Yes, we are."

Lestat at that point woke up, and glared around menacingly.

"Where am I?" He demanded.

"The Pit of Despair." Pandora said. "We're going to do experiments on you, so be quiet for now."

"Experiments?" Lestat asked. "Like show me ink blots, and ask me how I'm feeling and things?"

"No." Count Marius said. "Horrid unspeakable experiments."

Louis was not happy. He had nightmares, and even the fact that Armand was being very nice to him didn't matter. He missed Lestat, and felt very bad about what he was doing. So it surprised Armand when he came in and found Louis in his bedroom.

"Well, I must say I am surprised." Armand said. "Happy, but surprised."

"I don't love you!" Louis wailed. "I love Lestat, and if I must marry you, I will die!"

"I see..." Armand said, slyly. "I love you too much to cause you grief. Marius, you returned Lestat to his ship? Well then, bring him back here. If he still wishes to come that is."

"Why wouldn't he?" Louis asked, fearfully.

"You spurned his love." Armand said. "And he never was one for commitment."

"Lestat will always come for me!" Louis said, rallying.

"If you say so. I'll send my four fastest messengers in each direction with a letter, telling Lestat everything. But if he doesn't come back, you're marrying me!"

***

"That's not fair." Benji said. "Prince Armand had Count Marius killed Lestat. Or at least do horrible experiments on him. Obviously he's not going to get any messages."

"I think that's sort of the point." Sybelle said. "Lestat won't come back, and Louis will think it's because of him, and he'll marry Armand."

"I didn't think men could marry men." Benji finally voiced something that had been bothering him.

"Well, they can't. Not really." Sybelle admitted. "But in Literary Land, everything is possible."

***

Prince Armand and Count Marius were heading to the Pit of Despair. They were standing outside of a large oak tree, and Marius was fiddling with the knotholes.

"Well, Prince Louis certainly is a handful." Marius said.

"Hmm." Armand said. "'Tis far to bad I must kill him on our wedding night. He is a pure soul."

"Why are you killing him again? I mean, you are rather taken with him."

"To start the war. Davidini was supposed to do it, but Lestat foiled him."

"Oh. Yes. Now where is that secret knothole?" Marius mumbled. "I never can find it. You'd think a vampire who was made in an ancient tree in a sacred grove wouldn't have this much trouble with...aha!" Marius had apparently found the right knothole, because a door swung open.

"Are you coming?" Marius asked.

"No. I have much to do. Planning a war, killing my groom, things like that. I shall see you later, however." Armand inclined his head, and swept off towards his castle. Marius shrugged, and headed into the pit.

Lestat was not enjoying being strapped down. Pandora didn't talk much, and Marius had left. And there was the small matter of the machine they kept talking about...

"Yes." Marius said, obviously reading Lestat's thoughts. "I'm quite proud of it actually. You see, I turned from art and got involved in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on

the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting." He hooked up a few wires to Lestat, and turned a large lever.

"As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

"Quite peachy, actually." Lestat said. Then he screamed. "Not peachy! Not peachy!"

"Interesting." Marius said.

"Ah yes." Armand said, looking up as his chief guard Santino entered. "Apparently spies from Rio are planning on killing my groom on our wedding night. I want you to be on the lookout."

"Yes m'lord."

"Any word from Lestat?" Louis asked, sweeping in without knocking,

"It's far to soon." Armand said. "You must be patient."

"I'm tired of being patient!" Louis wailed. "If I have to be the damsel in distress, I will damn well be a restless damsel!" He swept out, and Armand shook his head. Yes, Louis was starting to get on his nerves. Of course, he understood where Louis was coming from. Always playing the female lead tended to wear on ones nerves.

"Anyway, please empty the thieves forest and arrest all the inhabitants." Armand continued. "Use as much force as necessary."

The day of the wedding arrived. The forest was being emptied, but Armand's men were having their hands full.

"Is everyone out?" Santino asked.

"Sir! There's a Spaniard...American giving us some trouble." One of the guards said.

"Well, you give him some trouble." Santino said. "Filthy Americans." The guard nodded, and rushed back to where Daniel was sitting, drunk as a doorknob.

"I'm waiting for Davidini!" Daniel said. "He told me to wait at the beginning. This is it. And you can't move me, so don't even try it!"

"Ho there!"

"Who you callin' a ho?" Daniel demanded, leaping up. "Now I'm def'natly not moving."

"But the prince...he gave us orders."

"Oh, the prince? Well, I have a few words to say to your prince! How come you never call, that's a few! And how hard is it to pick up a damn phone? Those are some more. I mean really..." He drew his sword.

"Um..." The guard stumbled back, confused.

"Yeah, and that's not all! Oh no! I have a whole lot to say to your prince! What...?" Daniel looked over his shoulder, as someone picked him up from behind. "Oh. S'you."

"Hello." Khayman said. The guard runs away, very frightened. "You don't look good. Or smell good. You've been feeding on drunks, haven't you?"

"No...yes..." Daniel mumbled, and fell flat on his face when Khayman let go of him.

And so, Daniel and Khayman were reunited, and as Khayman nursed his severely sloshed friend back to health, he told Daniel all about Davidini's death and the six fingered man, Count Marius. Daniel took the news in stride, by fainting into his soup. But Khayman revived him with lots of cold water, until Daniel was ready to go and kill Marius.

"Ah, but he is with the prince in the castle." Khayman said.

"Fine. I don't care. Even better. I want to say a few things..."

"Yes, I know." Khayman said.

"Crap. Well, I'm not good with the strategy thing, and neither are you. We need the man in black!"

"But..."

"Look, he beat you, me, and Davidini. He's the best there is. Now let's go find him!"

Meanwhile, Louis had caught on that Armand wasn't the most truthful of people. When he confronted him. There e was trouble.

"You didn't send any ships!" Louis accused.

"What?" Armand asked.

"The ships! You didn't send them after Lestat. But he'll come anyway. We are bound by a deep love! You cannot track it, or break it, or damage it at all! I remember the first time I saw Lestat. I was..."

***

"Uh...we can skip this." Sybelle said, hastily. "It's just a bunch of pages of Louis rambling. It's like "Interview" all over again! Okay, here we go. Prince Armand is going into the Pit of Despair..."

***

"...you really are in love." Prince Armand said, staring down at Lestat. "And you could have been happy. But Louis is always so much more effective when he is sorrowful, don't you think? And besides, I'm still upset with you for destroying my coven and everything I believed in. So, I will hurt you now. That always makes me feel better."

Armand turned the machine up to fifty, despite Marius and Pandora's screams of protest. Lestat cried out, and writhed on the wooden slab. The whole kingdom heard his screaming, but due to willing suspension of disbelief, ignored it. Except for Daniel and Khayman, who sue it as a homing beacon.

They pushed through crowds of people, and made their way to the grove. Pandora was outside with a wheelbarrow. She eyed them suspiciously.

"Yes?" She said.

"Uh...hi!" Daniel said. "We're looking for the man in black. We know he's here, o don't try to lie."

"I have to go now." She said, and ran away quickly.

"Damn!" Daniel said. "Oh well. We have to get in, so pretty much whatever we do will open up the tree." He jabbed at it with his sword, and sure enough, it swung open.

"Very fortunate." Khayman said. They walked into the pit of despair, and found Lestat. Daniel put his ear against Lestat's chest, listening for a pulse.

"He's dead!" Daniel cursed.

"Really?" Khayman asked. "But vampires don't have pulses..." He caught the look Daniel gave him, and tried again. "Oh. That's not fair."

"Well, bring the body. We'll take him to a miracle worker. Come on."

Khayman carried Lestat's body, and Daniel led them into town and the house of Mael the Miracle Worker. Mael was famous for his miracles, and they needed one now.

"Hey! Open up!" Daniel said, pounding on the door.

"Go away!" Mael called.

"But you're Miracle Mael! You used to work for the king!"

"The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed!"

"We need your help." Daniel said. Mael opened up the door.

"What is it?" He asked.

"We need a miracle." Daniel said. "See. He's dead."

"Well...bring him in." Mael said. "I'll see what I can do."

Khayman brought Lestat into the house, and laid him on a table. Mael stared at him a while, and nodded. Then he poked at him with a twig.

"Well, I've seen worse."

"Worse then dead?" Daniel asked.

"Yes. You see, he's mostly dead. That's different. If he were dead, I could do nothing. But he is only mostly dead. That I can work with."

"Sure." Daniel said, smiling and nodding. "Whatever you say."

"Yes." Mael poked Lestat with the stick again. He thumped on the mostly dead vampires chest. "Well, what do you have in there?"

"True...love..." Lestat mumbled.

"True love!" Daniel said. "You've got to bring him back for that!"

"I don't have to do anything." Mael said. "And besides, he didn't say true love. He said...I can't read that." Mael said, peering off into the distance. "To blaithe? What does that mean?"

Daniel shrugged. Khayman shrugged. Lestat groaned. They all stood around looking embarrassed until Jesse saved the scene by rushing on yelling "liar!"

"What?" Mael said, looking startled. "Sorry, I was away for a minute..."

"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife" Jesse snapped. She had been practicing. "But after that, I'm not sure I want to be."

"Oh. Well, that's not nice." Mael said, giving up on trying to read his cards.

"Anyway, I heard everything. Bring him back from mostly dead, Mael. He said true love. You're just still upset that Armand fired you."

"No! Never say that name! Never!" Mael said.

"What? Armand?"

"Nhah!" Mael made a horrid face. Jesse began chasing Mael over the room, yelling Armand at the top of her lungs. Daniel fished around in his pockets, and found s quarter. He flipped it for a while, until Mael finally came to a rest where he had started.

"Okay, look, if you save him, he's going to ruin Armand's wedding." Daniel said. "And I think we all want that."

"Well, if you put it that way..." Mael hit Lestat very hard with his stick, and then gave Daniel a small pill. "Here. It takes fifteen minutes to work, and don't let him go swimming for an hour. Good luck!" He pushed them out of the door, and closed it behind them.

Khayman and Daniel crouched outside he castle, and wondered whether they should give Lestat the pill. They sat around for a bit.

"Has it been fifteen minutes yet?" Daniel asked. Khayman shrugged.

"Well, let's do it anyway." The forced his mouth open and gave it to him.

"I'll kill you all!" Lestat yelled, leaping up and falling over. "Oh. Well."

"Wow." Daniel said.

"Um...my arms won't move." Lestat said.

'Well, you've been mostly dead all day." Daniel said, helping Lestat to his feet. "Come on. We have to storm the castle!"

"Wait! Where's Louis? Who are you? Why am I here? What's going on?" Lestat looked around confused. "I don't like not knowing things."

"Look. This is what happened..." Daniel proceeded to explain what had happened.

"Oh. Well, let's go storm the castle then!"

Louis looked splendid in his wedding dress. It was white with frills and pearls and yards of lace. He felt stupid, and wished he was elsewhere. Anywhere elsewhere. Especially since the only priest they could find had a horrid lisp.

"Mawwaige..."

Louis sighed. Then he heard sounds of a scuffle outside. E h turned his head, listening. Had Lestat come for him?

Meanwhile, Lestat and Daniel had come up with a plan. The stood on Khayman's shoulders, and wrapped themselves in a large cloak.

"I am the Dead Pirate Roberts!" Lestat yelled. "I leave no survivors! I am here, but soon, you will not be here!"

"Now? Daniel whispered.

"Not yet." Lestat said out of the corner of his mouth.

"Now?" Daniel asked.

"Yes, now!" Lestat yelled. Khayman made a noise, and suddenly the guards burst into flame. Lestat and Daniel hopped down.

"Right then. I'm going to go find Louis. Daniel, after you kill the count we'll all meet up back here somewhere. Go!"

"Mawwaige is a bwessing. Twu wove will fowwow wou..."

"Skip to the end!" Armand wailed. "For the love of god, skip to the end!"

"Ahem. Have you the wing?"

"Yes, yes!" Armand said. Louis sighed. The sounds of fighting were louder now.

"That's Lestat, come for me." Louis said.

"No it isn't." Armand said. "I killed him myself."

"Then why is there fear behind your eyes? Oh, people have tried o kill Lestat before, but it never works."

"Do you pwince..."

"Say man and wi...man and husband!" Armand snapped.

"Fine. Man and husband." The priest said. "There."

"He didn't come..."

Meanwhile, Daniel had found Marius in one of the castle corridors. He unsheathed his sword, and advanced on the Count.

"What are you doing?" Marius asked.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"You're name isn't Inigo." Marius said. "It's Daniel..."

"Don't even!" Daniel said. "This line is the whole reason I took this part, and I'm going to say it! Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Count Marius yelps, and runs off. Daniel follows after him, breaks through a door, and waves his sword around impressively.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"I heard you the first time!" Marius said, whipping out his own sword. They began to duel. Marius stabbed Daniel in the stomach. Daniel clutched the wound, and fell to his knees.

"It won't be...that easy!" He said, lurching to his feet as Marius began to walk away. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Are you still trying to win?" Marius said. "I don't want to kill you, but I will if I have to."

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Daniel slashed at Marius. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." He had regained some strength, and lunged at Marius. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!" Marius whined. "It's really bothering me!"

"That's the point! Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Daniel said, slashing Marius' cheek open. "Offer me money!"

"Um..." Marius said, looking around nervously.

"I said offer me money!" Daniel yelled.

"I offer you money." Marius said. "Uh, Daniel, don't you think you're getting a little too into..."

"Offer me anything I want!"

"Anything you want!" Marius said.

"I want Armand back, you son of a bitch!" Daniel stabbed Marius, and he fell to the floor. Dead.

Meanwhile, Lestat had found Louis. He was lying in bed in his wedding gown, ready to set himself on fire.

"There's a shortage of beautiful men in the world." Lestat said. "It would be a pity to lose you."

"Lestat!" Louis cried. "You came for me!" He flung himself at Lestat, who caught him and kissed him passionately.

"Of course." Lestat said. "Um, but I have to lie down now. Quickly." Louis helped him over to the bed.

"Will you ever forgive me?" Louis asked. "I didn't want to get married, but it all happened so fast..."

"It didn't happen." Lestat said firmly.

"What?"

"Did you say I do? If you didn't, it didn't happen. Besides. Men can't marry men."

"Oh Lestat, you're right!" Louis said. Then, Armand burst through the door, sword in hand.

"Ah-ha!" He said, triumphantly. "To the death!"

"To the pain." Lestat said.

"The what? Now you're just making things up." Armand said. "Stop stalling."

"I'm not. You know. To the pain. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose. The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!"

"Yes, yes, and then my ears, I understand." Armand said.

"No! You will keep your ears so you can hear everyone screaming as you go past."

"Well, that isn't very pleasant." Armand said. "I don't think I like the sound of that."

"As well you shouldn't." Lestat said. He stood, slowly, and Armand blanched. "Drop your sword."

"Of course." Armand said, dropping the weapon. "There we go."

"Louis, tie him up."

"Why Lestat, I had no idea..." Armand said.

"Shut up!" Lestat yelped, sitting back down. Louis tied Armand up making sure there was no way he could undue the knots. Daniel rushed in, just as Louis finished.

"Armand!" He said, glaring at the vampire prince.

"Yes, yes." Lestat said. "If you're good, maybe I'll let you have him. Now, where's Khayman?"

"I thought he was with you." Daniel said.

"Daniel? Lestat?" The heard Khayman from below the window. He had found horses for them.

"Ah! A way to escape." Lestat said. "Lets go!"

"Um...' Daniel hesitated.

"Oh honestly, there's only about ten minutes left. Then you and Armand can go do whatever it is you two do in your own time. Out the window with you." Lestat said. Louis jumped first, and was caught by Khayman and put onto a horse. Then Daniel, and then Lestat.

"It's funny." Daniel said. "I've been in the revenge business all my life, now I don't know what to do with it."

"Well, you could try piracy." Lestat said. "You'll never get bored, that's for sure. You'd make a great Dead Pirate Roberts."

And they rode off together to freedom. And as dawn approached, Lestat and Louis were swept up in a great wave of love, and they reached for each other in a passionate embrace. In the history of kissing, there have only been five kisses rated the most passionate and pure. And this kiss left them all behind. The end.

***

"That was a stupid book." Benji said. "There was no point! Where was the morality, the intrigue, the meaning?"

"Benji, it was just a book." Sybelle said.

"But it made no sense! Why would Armand want to marry Louis? And Daniel isn't some great swordsman, he's just some drunk who yells a lot. And isn't Mael dead?"

"I was just trying to be nice." Sybelle said. "Look. Armand's back with a fresh kill for you."

"Good. And you're never to read to me again!"

"As you wish."

The End