Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: nothing
well been a long day got up met mark he came to my dads house to help me sort out dads back garden it looks so much better now its 11 42 pm iv been here at annmaries al day doing an amazing photo shoot we got sum really kl stuff. cant wait to post sum to keet he is gonna love em i brush up not to bad and it was a good laugh spoke to keith 4 a bit tonight not long thugh and i got ear ache real bad never had ear ache b4 ever its a bitch! looks like its gna b anotha long night ~XxX~ out ~XxX~

Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: pantera
Its 7 pm got an hour before I get online to talk to the love of my life I spoke to him on the fon today for the first time in ages it felt good.wish my memory was better and I could wright about the week iv had. Had another big fall out with the ex n there was me thinking it was going to stay civilised but what is civilised to a baboon? Things are ok now though.. well as ok as they can be considering. I went out dancing on sat night and disappointed myself big time I gave in and had a drink but im not gonna punish myself ill just remind myself next time how I felt, especially as the next morning my mum was calling me for help at 9 am she took another bad turn I had to fon the ambulance and organise alan and craig. My mum yhas so much wrong with her its unreal u name it shes had it helagobacter bug I know that’s how u pronounce it dnt no if that’s how its spelt though ! chrones disease which lead to 16 foot of her intestine to be removed and because she was on the operating table for so long resulted in a D.V.T. in her leg so now she is on warfrin aka rat poison every day for the rest of her life shes bn on them since she was 27 shes 44 now she has a fistula on her bowl which she has to take steroids for to stop it spreading because she can’t chance an operation as there is a 5% chance of survival due to all the medication there would be to many complications. Then a couple of years ago stitches on the inside of her bowl started to push through her stomach ! not long ago her bowl burst and she had no choice but to go for the operation she pulled through it though there were complications. That’s what we thought had happened on Sunday she could hardly breathe never mind nething else I went to the hospital with her and I stayed there with her the whole day the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her but she is ok now thank god walking around like nothing had happened I told her it was trapped wind lol that made her smile shes a 5 foot high walking miracle she died three times already and been resucetated! What a woman what a life shes had to live ! I admire her strength although iv never looked at it like that before. I think ill go fon her. She definitely is not appreciated enough she runs around after everyone and no1 stops to be gratefull it’s a sin it truly is whats going to happen when she is no longer with us what will every1 do? They’ll be sorry at least I stopped and realised she was passing through life with out being noticed. I know you’ll never read this mum but I love you.

I stayed with a friend on Sunday night I got a fon call off of my brother the next morning telling me he got int0o a fight in the basebowl the guy who we know very well and I’ll be sorting the fuck out gave him a Glasgow kiss what a fucker and wat a pussy he ran out the door b4 craig could deck him first my name got brought up he sed I told him that my bro was trying to get his ex slags number then it came out it was his friend who is to shy to even say boo to a fy and apparently I knew about it. I no craig can stick up for himself but I aint havn my name slandered. I built a good rep over the years I aint losing it over an arsehole or maybe because he knows im a fighter and aint been around it’s a cum ahead to see if I’v still got it. He wont know what hit him wen I get through with him I tell u that much. I went straight to his front door wit my bat lucky for his knee caps he wasn’t in!

I was babysitting today been awake from 630 am just so I could fon the love of my life we went to the swing park with luis stayed there for 2 hours. Then went to mcdonalds got lunch and went to creepy crawlies the softplay 4 two hours back to mine to pet the cats then I took him home made him dinner and that’s my exciting day well im gonna go post this now and talk to keith ~~XxX~

love you all mwah

Mood:  a-ok
Its 11 pm went to my cousins 4th birthday today I feel so sad for him because he has no children to play with he is always around adults. He is to old before his time he isn’t particularly fussed about playing with toys I don’t think he knows how to be honest. His grandpa was in today my mum sed ‘I hate balloons’ and his said ‘you know what I hate’ my mum sed ‘wat do you hate ‘ he turned to his grandpa and sed ‘him’ mum was mortified it was funny though his grandpa laughed my mum sed ‘that isn’t nice apologise’ luis sed ‘no’ poor man kids are great ! iwas talking to Eskimo on the fon the other night we were talking about one of our random nights out for my birthday we started in Saltcoats and at 1130 decided to get a cab to Glasgow 30 mins 2 pee stops and #40 later we arrived at the cathouse what a night it was ok I was pretty wasted we ended up inviting everyone back to her bf’s 4 a party poor dunky didn’t no wat had hit him we broke into the neighbours garden and in the pissing rain used their trampoline it was great we left at 530 cos they had a fall out Eskimo went nuts she took all his plates she had bought and smashed them out the backdoor along with glasses she then proceeded to the living room and took two of the glass bottles of iron bru she had bought him poured them out and smashed the bottles it was so funny. Was a weird ass nite though. We tried to have another party on the way home another night no1 wanted to come though so we chased a bus in a taxi pulled it over and invited the people on the bus and they actually came that was a kl night it rocked we always end up having the coolest partys. I think im about due one but im not having one until Keith can join me and b right there by my side doubt ill get to post this tonight it’s the 5th of Augest who knows wen ill get on to post it I miss him like mad im coming off of my anti depressants and im trying my best to sleep because he asked me although he says not to do it for him to do it for me but u know I don’t care about me just want to make him happy maybe this is it maybe he is going to be the one to help me get over this he makes sense wen he talks. I feel comfortable talking to him although I don’t want to scare him off, but he says he loves me and I believe him so this shouldn’t stop us being together. I have partners in the past that said they will be there for me and help me but after we got together not once did we talk about it or they tried to help. I coped on my own. I went to a therapist once and although I say im over what happened with my uncle I think that’s just because iv pushed it so deep down in the grey matter that I forgot about it, she made me remember things that I really didn’t want to so I gave up on her because I don’t want to experience memories that are going to be as bad as that ever again and u know the bad thing that was 2 years ago and I will never 4got that memory again and if I do itll b another 15 years! Just had pasta first thing iv eaten all day n I feel sick to much 4 me food aint agreeing wit me l8ly it sucks ! dad n lil sitting downstairs getting drunk lol as per. Steven came over with the kids tonight wanted me to streak his hair and I did the kids r great Chloe is 5 and Ryan is 10 Chloe is mad she is so hyper she tires me out in 5 minutes lol she makes me feel like Im getting old and im only 23 Ryan is lovely both the kids r great we took them to the swing park at the beach tonight it’s the first time dads ever done nethn with them at night I sed he was boring! I told him he should take the kids out at night cos its exciting for them its not something they get to do a lot they had fun I promised them id make steven take them to the bigger park next week lol they’ll love that! Ryan turned round to me tonight and sed how do you get men to take their children to parks lmao it was sweet I told him because I told steven id beat him up if he didn’t, but really I gave him a lecture about how special his children are and he don’t see them both a lot never mind at the same time so he should make the best of it. U know it doesn’t have to take money to make the kids happy just spend time with them at the park do something spontaneous instead of sitting infront of the t.v. and letting them get on with it show them u love them get out an old sheet and some paint make a mess with them at least your spending time with them and they’ll love it ! I think iv’e went on enough tonight im going to try sleep now have an early night cos I start my new job in the sweet shop tomorrow I’ll be the best looking candy in the shop lmao ~XxX~

Mood:  down
Its 1120 pm i'm staying at dads again tonight i’m so fucking depressed man wats up with me i’m so emotional it sucks big time! I hate feeling like this and you know iv been trying to pick myself up for years I’ve been in and out of therapy iv been on and off pills iv holidayed iv treated myself and not one thing helps. I wish there was something that would just make the pain go away even for a day. I was truly happy in America but I was still depressed i’m just manic I think. That must be it iv tried so hard to get out of this rut it must be a disease cos it isn’t something I asked for and I have fought it so hard I don’t want to feel like this but it just wont stop. Iv tried suicide but seems I pull through no matter how ‘proper’ I do it so I gave up on that its obviously not right for me I wish I could find my purpose in life maybe that’d make me feel better. I’ve got the qualifications and had the dream job that didn’t help iv been in and out of relationships that doesn’t help iv been on my own iv been with friends that doesn’t help either. I’m so messed up it isn’t even funny anymore I need help. Iv been shouting for years and not one person has reached out to me to help. I just give and give and give and u all just take, take, take, wen is it my turn wen do I get a brake u no i’m ready to just let out all this repressed emotion and yeah I’ll change I aint gonna be so fucking nice no more and fuck u all i’m not gonna be walked over anymore! I’m out for myself. You know I say that and it’ll never happen cos iv got such a big heart and u fuckers no u can walk all over me but come on give me a little respect man I think I deserve it don’t u? appreciate me for a change don’t take me for granted cos Ur gonna get a shock wen I shove a stick up ur fucking arse!! I’m going to leave you all behind and forget about u and Ur going to regret it cos no1 else is going to go out their way for u and U no who u are and I no ur reading this. I’m sick of looking out for everyone and fighting their battles wen no one is there to back me up. Well that’s gonna change as well u can look out for yourself from now on and if u get stabbed in the back u deserve it! End of rant !! me.
Maybe I should just start drumming again !!

Now Playing: crazy
so iv been between my flat my mums and my dads the job centre fucked me over by not giving me the muny they owed me they paid me #51.40 for two weeks the goverment sez you need #44.50 a week minimum to be able to live so wat the fuck is the deal i pay tax ! thats alright ill just apply for loads of crisis loans ! went to the pub last saturday ended up in the metro a nightclub in saltcoats just a town away from where i live it was ok my bro turned up he wasnt meant to be there it got good after that we were up dancing all night and i love to dance! not really been up to alot sent a package with lots of chocolate to america who knows if itll get there in one piece though ! sunbathed out in the garden for all of 20 mins and stayed up all night tues wed to help my wonderfull friend eskimo with her svq 2 she has now passed and is also a qualified child care worker yaay mwah to her congrats hunni ~XxX~

Mood:  special
Now Playing: leanne rimes
havent been on in a while but hey how you guys doing im missing keith like mad doesnt seem that long ago i was with him but it seems to far away till ill b with him again got lots to talk about ill update in a bit talking with the love of my life so to busy to wright

Mood:  down
Its 1120 pm 4th of august i'm staying at dads again tonight im so fucking depressed man wats up with me im so emotional it sucks big time! I hate feeling like this and you know iv been trying to pick myself up for years Ive been in and out of therapy iv been on and off pills iv holidayed iv treated myself and not one thing helps. I wish there was something that would just make the pain go away even for a day. I was truly happy in America but I was still depressed im just manic I think. That must be it iv tried so hard to get out of this rut it must be a disease cos it isnt something I asked for and I have fought it so hard I dont want to feel like this but it just wont stop. Iv tried suicide but seems I pull through no matter how proper I do it so I gave up on that its obviously not right for me I wish I could find my purpose in life maybe thatd make me feel better. Ive got the qualifications and had the dream job that didnt help iv been in and out of relationships that doesnt help iv been on my own iv been with friends that doesnt help either. Im so messed up it isnt even funny anymore I need help. Iv been shouting for years and not one person has reached out to me to help. I just give and give and give and u all just take, take, take, wen is it my turn wen do I get a brake u no im ready to just let out all this repressed emotion and yeah Ill change I aint gonna be so fucking nice no more and fuck u all im not gonna be walked over anymore! Im out for myself. You know I say that and itll never happen cos iv got such a big heart and u fuckers no u can walk all over me but come on give me a little respect man I think I deserve it dont u? appreciate me for a change dont take me for granted cos Ur gonna get a shock wen I shove a stick up ur fucking arse!! Im going to leave you all behind and forget about u and Ur going to regret it cos no1 else is going to go out their way for u and U no who u are and I no ur reading this. Im sick of looking out for everyone and fighting their battles wen no one is there to back me up. Well thats gonna change as well u can look out for yourself from now on and if u get stabbed in the back u deserve it! End of rant !! me.
Maybe I should just start drumming again !!

Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: sweet fuck all
Topic: keith
ok so u can tell im pissed i fon keith this morning hes in a mood fair enough i fon him this evening hes in more of a mood ppl hav bad days thats kl i fon him tnight after lettn him cool off he sounded pissed but sed he was ok. iv sat here all night waiting for him and i go on myspace guess what hes online so im guessing it must be me the novelty has worn off mayb ?? sum1 please shed a little light wat am i meant to think? im obviously not as important as his friends? way to make me feel good is it so bad to want to talk to him ? ~text deleted~ so wats 5 mins? end of ~ go fuck off u bunch of sad bastards !!

so ijust wrote for ages n it neva saved wat a bitch !!