The Waking Mind
By: Rebecca Bleschke
What is the point of my existence?
Why does my meager life continue?
To what purpose am I assigned?
I have no real connections anymore
My ties have been breaking slowly from
the very start
and I have been blind to the process.
Each day I die a little more
and grasp desperately to hold a piece of
perfection, a piece of the togetherness that could never be.
And slowly, I will wake to find I am
withered away,
a lost cause whose hopes and dreams will
have carried themselves to the grave.
My fear consumes great density of mind,
fear of the unknown,
blank voidful fear of death.
But yet, how peculiar that I could still
feel pain and have a death wish
while also still desiring to be alive.
I do not choose my destiny, nor do I plan
my steps so cautiously,
I let fate grab hold of me and blindly
follow the path it presents,
paying no heavy concept of consequence
nor of potential pain to come
My poor suckered heart feels as if it
could bear no more,
however, it is foolhardy to me
for it can always take on more pain to
fill the void
not caring if it could be the death of me
or not, eating thru me
openly inviting those that would bring
upon it more pain and relinquish in it's wounds
for opening old wounds is it's purpose.
things are born on this earth to torment
themselves
comfort is a quickly spent ticket to joy
and freedom...
it fades quickly like a sadly addictive
drug in low-production
so with withered and blackened tears that
spread across my face
and skin of a thousand years of earth's
recycled humanity
I step forward, from the darkness that
birthed me, toward the light that punished me
and finally through the emptiness that
consumed me all along, only it now consumes me in its greatest volume.
I see how others blindly step forward and
live their lives surface-bound
and I envy them. A phrase comes to mind
when I see them in motion.
"I do not know why the caged bird
sings".
Like Billions of birds caged to this
world we turned to a poisoned prison.
So many continue to wander joyfully and
live their lives with no pain or worries, singing in their glory, even with
their very real cage about them at all time.
It makes me wonder, how they could be so
blind to their prison, but I am not.
I know I am not the only one who sees my
cage and drowns in my saddened heart, but I know that
those who share in my sadness are few. I
cannot tell which is better, ...to be blind to the pain and live for simple,
material joys, or to be awake from this illusion and live in truth, even though
it leads to a path of pain...and the path of pain might be the path of death.
If I am to focus on the pain, I am already dying, if I am to focus on living
day for day, and somehow manage to push aside the pain, I am living. It would
be a difficult feat, to push aside pain and ignore it. But maybe pain IS being
alive.
The concept of living for earth-bound
rules, to work, earn money, own a home and simple materials...none of that
feels real, none of it can follow me any further than this world...What is the
REAL purpose? Somehow, I feel I should be spending my time doing more than what
the rules allow me...Life shouldn't be about making others lifestyles work, in
a functioning economy, but sadly, we cannot live entirely for ourselves...we
are a sad creation that could tear upon our own meager existence, in total
chaos, if it weren't for order and rules...
I saw a movie, a foreign film
it was a documentary in Japanese
in it, several people were interviewed,
young and old,
and told to choose a single memory out of
their entire lives that they would want to relive for their eternal
afterlives...
I found it interesting that they chose such
simple answers...
Their childhood...
The age of innocence, no worries, pure
joy and simplicity, with no responsibilities
To live eternally as a child...Like a
fantasy out of Never-NeverLand?
Maybe they are
foreseeing what the world should have been in the first place, utopia...maybe
this world became infected by our presence, and we could never experience the
world we were intended to live in. Maybe our minds became corrupt and could no
longer function in a utopian society.
