Entries #26-30
Diary Entry #26:The Unthinkable Has Happened... July 24, 2002 11:22 am
Oh. My. God.
The reason I haven't been around is because ... well. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. Everything's been happening so fast ... no one knows what's going on ... my head is still spinning, and the tears in my eyes are constant. They just won't stop. I'm so worried and I don't know what to do...
But I digress. Let me begin at the beginning. Because we've been trying to keep this "hush hush" ... but that's kind of hard. And personally I feel like the more people who know, the more people who might be able to help us ... somehow.
Anywho. So it all began on Sunday. Carol and I had been invited to the wedding of a dear friend of our family, Lauren Birch. She was marrying a guy named Karl Tree--so now she's going to be Lauren Birch-Tree. Go figure. Anywho, so she'd invited us to the wedding, and it was being held on Sunday. So Carol and I were frantically getting dressed on Sunday morning because neither of us had a thing to wear, nor had we remembered to get a present.
Meanwhile, Professor Connie was going to work that day (yeah, I know, it's Sunday--who works!? Certainly not us government employees!), beause she's had to get second, third, and fourth jobs, due to everything that she lost in the fire at YABS. So naturally, she wasn't going to be home that day (she's living with us now, remember?)
Also at the same time, Kara was getting ready to go to New York with her family to visit her Great Aunt who was having her 80th birthday party (yes, this is THE AUNT, the one that announced that she was leaving ALL of her several million dollar fortune to her favorite niece, Kara. Heh, gotta look after the inheritance!), and they were leaving on Sunday at noon.
Also, Jared was still at camp, where he's been all summer (he came home on Monday, just in time for his birthday on Friday).
So, it was 1 o'clock, Carol and I were late for the wedding and STILL didn't have a present (or any pantyhose without runs in them), and Nina was crying because her dolly's head had accidentally fallen into the toilet, and then accidentally gotten flushed, and then we realized--hey, Nina's only four years old, she's too young to stay home alone! And since no children were allowed at the wedding (Lauren said that her husband HATES children, can't stand the sight of them--and apparently they make him sneeze, too), we certainly couldn't take her. So that meant one MORE task, finding a baby-sitter--and on a Sunday afternoon, when everyone is out at the mall or hanging with friends, and no one wants to BABY SIT!!
So I'll admit, I was desperate. Perhaps even too desperate. We dragged Nina out to the car--still crying over her dolly--and as Carol drove at insanely high speeds to some place where Lauren was actually registered, I frantically started calling every number on my cell phone, hoping that someone, somewhere, was available to baby-sit.
But alas, no one was. So, being incredibly desperate, I called that one, last number that I had not been able to bring myself to call before--Daphne's number.
She picked up on the first ring, sounding so lonely. But I steeled myself against her feminine wiles, and told her I needed a baby-sitter. She agreed--as long as I was the one to bring Nina in. Daphne was THAT DESPERATE to see me, that she would baby-sit a squalling, squealing little girl for several hours, just to get a single glimpse of me. It would have brought tears to my eyes--if she hadn't ended BOTH times we were together by CHEATING ON ME!!
So, we took Nina to Daphne's, Carol kissed her goodbye, then I took her in, and I kissed her goodbye, and had a rather awkward scene with Daphne--especially because Nina and Daphne have never even LIKED each other at all--and then ran back out to the car, speeding off to the wedding (which we missed by half an hour, although we did get there in time for the reception, and the best part--the WEDDING CAKE!!)
Anywho, so to make a long story short ...
When we got back to pick Nina up after the wedding, I called Daphne's on the way to see how things were going, but there was no answer. I figured she must have taken Nina out to Micky D's or something, just to shut the little girl up (she's adorable, but has a HUGE mouth, our Nina! Heh, just like her mom and aunt!)
So anywho we get to Daphne's and Carol's waiting in the car while I go and knock on the door. Again, no answer. So I try to open it on my own and guess what--the door opens right up!
Immediately worried by this unlocked door, I rush inside and find Daphne lying in a pool of blood, with a huge bump on her head. I quickly call 911, and try to stop the flow of blood. When she finally cums to (she was unconscious when I got there), she sees me and asks, groggily, if Nina was alright. I shake my head and tell her that I can't find Nina anywhere. Then she moans and begins to tell me what happened--a story that sends a chill to my blood and a curl to my toes.
Just a few minutes after I left, Daphne had gotten Nina settled watching tv, and then the phone had rung. Since she keeps the cordless phone in her room, she had to rush in there to get it, assuming that Nina, being 4 years old and plenty responsible, would just keep on watching tv, and not get into any trouble or anything.
But then, as she talked on the phone (she couldn't remember to whom, she thinks it might have been a telemarketer or something), she heard a crash, and then a scream, coming from the den.
So she hangs up the phone and runs in there to see Nina screaming and struggling against a person dressed in all black, and a black ski mask. Daphne rushed in and began screaming and shouting and trying to save Nina, but the evil person had a gun, and brandished it. Undeterred, Daphne tried to free Nina from this villain. But then the person in the black ski mask (Daphne can't remember anything about this person at all, not even the gender, although she does remember that this evil person was taller than her) took the gun and hit Daphne over the head with it--which is what knocked her unconscious and gave the the bump on the head (and all that blood that came out onto the carpet).
So ... to sum all this up, NINA WAS KIDNAPPED!!!
So now Carol and I are frantic with worry, because we haven't received a ransom note or anything like that, and it all just seems to random ... why would anyone want to hurt little Nina?! She's the cutest little girl in the entire world!! I'm so scared ... after all, it's been on the news about that girl who's mangled body they found after she had been raped and murdered ... what if some maniac does that to my little Nina?! I don't think I could bear that for the rest of my life ...
So we called the police, and they're on full alert. And please, anyone, if you know where my little girl is ... please let us know!! We miss her so much.
Thanks.
Love,
Cynthia.
Diary Entry #27: A New Start October 1, 2002 11:32 pm
Hey everyone! Yeah, yeah, I know ... It's been forever since I've talked to y'all. And in that time, sooo much has happened!
First of all, Nina was found, she's ok. As it turns out ... it was Delilah who kidnapped her. I mean, please. I KNEW she was insane, but this proved it. Stealing an innocent little girl! But there's more ... when they were arresting her, she was screaming something about how she hadn't done it alone ... and she was screaming accusing things, too. In the general direction of ... Daphne. Which made me wonder. I mean, Daphne's the one with the motive, AND the opportunity. She's the most likely suspect for Delilah's partner. I think that she put Delilah up to it, perhaps by telling Delilah that I was sleeping with Professor Connie. And therefore hurting me would be the perfect way to get back at Connie. But I don't know ... there's no hard proof. But I definitely think there's something fishy going on there.
But, on to lighter things. Kara broke up with her boyfriend (the young one), and met a new guy named Todd. He's really nice, and sweet, and older than her. And just the other day, they got engaged! I was so surprised, I mean they haven't known each other for very long--at least, not in the romantic sense! You see, Todd's from California. They went to college together! But at that point she was still in her long distance relationship with her exboyfriend. So they were "just friends." But then, after she came back here and started working for the government, her relationship with her ex started changing, and eventually they got to the point where they were fighting all the time, and it even got itself into the bedroom--which every relationship expert knows means doom for the couple! So, she ended up dumping him. Meanwhile, she and Todd had been keeping in touch over the internet and on the phone, because they had been really good friends in college. So then she finds out that he just got a job with the government! She was so happy! So he came here a few weeks before his new job, and since Kara was the only person from around here that he knew, he chilled with her, and was introduced to all her close circle of friends, and could always be found over at my house, since she was still living with me at the time. So then, she started hanging out at his place more, just the two of them. And they started fooling around. Kara told me that, at first, it was just a little fling type thing, like "friends with benefits." But then they both discovered, separately, that they had feelings for each other! Which made them want to sleep with each other even more, yeah. But ... neither of them wanted JUST the sex. And neither knew how the other felt, either! So it turned into this whole big emotional dilemma which Kara just wouldn't shut up about for days, until finally I just got so frustrated I just flung my hands up in the air and went and called Todd and told him that Kara thought of him as "more than a friend." And he told me that he felt the same way--news which I quickly related to Kara, who practically grabbed the phone out of my hand, and then they started talking all mushy and stuff, and then they started having phone sex, at which point I left the room to give them some privacy.
And so one thing led to another, and last week Kara came to work wearing a big ass diamond ring, and squealing, "I'm engaged!" And we're all really happy for her, especially since her fiance works for the government, and he's rich to boot! Some people get all the luck! Heh, looks like the eternally single girl has finally found her man!
So basically, over the past few weeks, Kara has been slowly moving out of my house and into Todd's apartment. And although I'm sad to see her go, at the same time I'm really glad to see her so happy.
As for other stuff going on ... well, there's Professor Connie. Oh, man, her love life has been crazy since she moved into my house! And she still lives here, because YABS is being rebuilt (although it's been temporarily moved to a different location, they're rebuilding the building where it used to be before it burned down), and she doesn't want to find a new place to live ... and we've become really good friends over the past few months. I mean, REALLY good friends! We had a big surprise birthday party for her here and everything. She is a really awesome person, and I love her to death! But her love life ... oh, man. It's been crazy. Shortly after she moved in with me, she began seeing my boss, Joleen. That's right, JOLEEN. And we all know that Joleen is straight. So I mean, what's up with that? But then I discovered that Joleen just thought it was friendship and business related, wheras Professor Connie had a MAJOR crush on Joleen. So finally everything came to a head right here in my (Carol's) living room, with Connie trying to make a move on Joleen, not understanding that Joleen didn't feel that way about her, or any woman, and Joleen got freaked out, because here was a woman she had thought was her friend trying to hit on her, and want something more from their relationship that she was not ready to give! So it ended up in a knock down drag out fight, and Joleen stormed out, leaving Connie in tears. And then Joleen started coming after me, because she thought that I had known exactly what was going on and should have told her. So, since she's my boss, she started becoming like one of those BOSSES FROM HELL, and treated me horribly. Finally, I had a talk with her, and we settled things. But there was a LOT of tension going on there for awhile!
Then Professor Connie had a brief affair with one of her colleagues at YABS, Doctor Sue. Sue, it turned out, was just as crazy as Delilah had been. I mean, she was a FREAK. She became totally obsessive over Connie, and insanely jealous of me since, after all, Connie does live with me! So she started trying to kill me (although very poorly, she really has no talent) and she ended up being arrested for attempted murder, and Connie was glad, she doesn't want to enter into any more relationships with crazy freaks, and besides, all she wanted from Sue was the sex.
So, after that, Professor Connie began getting friendly with my good friend and ex-roommate, Lorelai. Although, Lorelai and I had been getting a bit more distant over past months because of all this Daphne stuff (she and Daphne are still friends, too) and we didn't nearly hang out as much. But once she and Professor Connie hooked up, she was coming over to our place all the time. Which is when the problems started. Apparently, Lorelai had been nursing a little crush for me for awhile, unbeknownst to myself. So, Connie became an excuse to come over to my house, and to chill with me as well as Connie. So in the end, she came over one day and Connie wasn't there, but I told her to come in anyway and we could just hang out, since after all, that's what friends do! But then Lorelai started putting the moves on me, and she kissed me. And, honestly, I'll admit that I enjoyed it. But at the same time I knew it was wrong; she and Connie are some of my best friends, I couldn't do it! But I couldn't stop myself either; so I let her kiss me, and I kissed her back, until we were lying on the couch, half-naked, making out.
And then Professor Connie walked in.
I swear, I will never forget the look on her face. The look of utter betrayal by not one, but TWO people that she had trusted more than anyone else in teh world. She left right then and there, and we ran after her. We both realized that her friendship meant more to us than any feelings we had to each other. So we ccaught up with her and apologized and the whole nine yards. And she was crying softly, and we hugged her and told her how much we loved her, how much we would never want to hurt her. And she was still a little bit disturbed, and spent the night at a hotel, but she came back the next day and told me that she didn't want to lose my friendship, and she still trusted me--except not with her lovers! So she and Lorelai ended up breaking up, but still staying friends, and now Professor Connie is single again and enjoying her time playing the field.
Next is Carol. Nina's kidnapping was incredibly traumatic for her, but from it actually came something good. Let's just say ... Kara's not the only one who's going to be getting married soon! It turns out that Carol has been seeing this man secretly for over a year now, and they're in love, but she didn't want anyone to know about him, so they kept it on the down low. He's kind of famous, you see. And, well ... you know how famous people are! But ... well, enough about that. So when the whole thing with Nina was going on, he comforted her, and even came over to the house. And since he's famous, we knew who he was ... and wondered why he was coming over to the house!
You see, Carol works for the CIA (as I've said before) not as an agent but as a desk job, so she's pretty free to tell people she works for them since it's desk type stuff. But some of what she does is contact celebrities, especially ones who are going overseas for some reason, to talk to them about doing spy stuff, since people who are famous might have more clout than those who are not, and be able to acquire information more easily than other spies. You'd be surprised by some of the celebrities that have worked for the government! Carol has a whole list of famous people that she's contacted. Plus, she's even formed some friendships out of it, which can be pretty useful for the government, or if she needs a favor or something. And the guy she's been seeing secretly is someone she initially contacted in order that he do some favors for the government. He kept in touch with Carol, and sometimes they would hang out together, and then about a year ago it escalated to the point where they started sleeping together. And they've been an exclusive couple since then; no wonder Carol never brought guys home anymore! I just figured she was getting it either at other times or other places, especially because she doesn't want the kids to see/hear anything dirty.
So, after the whole Nina kidnapping fiasco, he asked her to marry him. And she said yes. But not after consulting other people first. After all, Carol getting married affects a lot of people! First of all, there's the chance we might have to move--since, hey, we're living in Jared's dad's house, and if she marries a guy who's rich and famous, he might want her to live with him, and not in the house of the father of one of her children. So it affects all of us living with her. Plus, it affects the kids--that's one reason she couldn't give him a direct answer, she had to consult Nina and Jared to find out how they felt about having a step-dad. They both thought it would be pretty cool--especially since he's nothing like her first husband (who we don't like to talk about because their marriage was even more of a sham than mine, and it turned out that I was never even married, which is a pretty big sham!) Plus, Carol's fiance LOVES her kids, and they just found out about him, but I think they really like him, too. Heh, and he wants to have even more kids, which I don't think Carol will mind. And I was talking to him about my concerns about a place of residence, and he told me he just bought a house (mansion more like it!) here in Northern Virginia, that's MUCH bigger than the house we live in now, and there's plenty of room--so Professor Connie and I could live with them if we wanted to! He's a really awesome guy, and he makes Carol so happy. In fact, now that their relationship is out in the open and bordering on permanence, I honestly don't think I've ever seen her happier.
And as for me ... well. Things haven't been going nearly as well! After the whole Nina thing I just ... let it all go. I started partying almost every night, not coming home a lot. Playing hooky from work sometimes (not that they care though, I mean, it's the government!), and sleeping around--and when I say that, I mean, FAR more promiscuously than I have EVER done in my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I mean, at some points I was sleeping with several people a day, several people at a time--I was regularly attending orgies, and regularly having threesomes with people I'd just met. I was doing sexual things with someone less than an hour after I met them in some sleazy bar or club. I mean, I was just ... basically, I was the definition of the word "slut." And I was so unhappy.
So then one day Monica came over, and sat me down, and said "Cynthia, this has to stop." I don't see her nearly as much as I used to, because she's a college girl now (although she's only at AU which isn't too far away, but still, she's pretty busy). But we still talk a lot, almost every day. And, yep, she's still a virgin! Probably will be for awhlie, although there are a lot of guys there that have been checking her out. aBut even so, I knew she was right. And so she started bringing me to parties with her, at AU. Now, they've got some nice parties, but the ones Monica took me to were completely dry, and filled with people who were nice, but not at all promiscuous. And Monica insisted that I not go partying at all unless it was with her, and we went out about 3-4 times a week, and the other nights I would stay home and just chill. And you know what? I had fun at those parties, with all of Monie's new college friends. They were actually pretty cool. And I stopped sleeping with random people whose names I didn't even know. And I stopped having threesomes and going to orgies. And I finally managed to get out of slut mode! Now, I play the field, and am much more discriminating about the people that I sleep with. So I'm sending out a big THANK YOU! to Monica, because she's the best friend I could ever have! I love you sweaty!!
Well, that's all I can think about for right now. I mean, is there anything else to say? Not really! So I'll just let you go, and update you on either new stuff, or other stuff that I remember. Well, so long for now!
Love,
Cynthia
Diary Entry #28: Explain Away the Pain October 10, 2002 7:10 pm
Sometimes you can't explain away the pain ... but it always helps to try.
I learned that lesson the hard way.
It all began so simply. I met a girl, thought she was cute. It all ended up so tragically. More like a B-movie than a soap opera.
I think my life has finally left it's soap opera stage ... and moved onto it's B-movie stage.
Yay for me.
Perhaps I should begin at the best starting point possible. The beginning.
It was a few weeks ago when I met her. Her name was Zoe. She was incredibly cute. Short, dark brown hair, deep blue eyes you could drown in, a figure that made my jaw drop and drool start to emerge from my unwitting mouth. Zoe, in essence, was my PERFECT woman!! Physically at least. And then, mentally ... her intelligence knew no boundaries. She was just so smart! And emotionally, we connected from the moment we met.
And might I mention that she, too, is a government employee, and consequently my co-worker? and our meeting took place on the job, not surprisingly.
After Professor Connie's ill fated incident with Joleen, however, I found it necessary to be wary on my job. I couldn't simply ... you know, start an affair with a coworker. But boy, did I want to. I simply couldn't help myself! I was entranced by her beauty, her mental prowess, her emotional warmth.
So I went for it.
Went for it and got burned.
Oh, at first she seemed to like me well enough. I mean all government employees (with a few exceptions that include my sister, Carol, and my boss, Joleen) are pretty much bisexual, so I figured there was a pretty good chance that Zoe would at least be attracted to girls, and therefore might give me a chance. So I hit on her, lightly, and she accepted, and we went out together and had some fun.
But then ... things started to get weird. We'd been out twice, and suddenly she wasn't returning my phone calls, and she'd transferred to a different job at work. I kept calling her up, but I couldn't get an answer! So finally I tracked her down, and found out the problem.
Zoe was pregnant.
And guess who the father was?
Yep, that's right. LEO!!
I know I haven't talked about Leo much for awhile now, but trust me, he's still around. I mean, he doesn't live with Carol and me anymore, of course not. But he got an apartment, and works for the government at a desk job, and seems to be leading a pretty happy and decent life ... without me. And without Professor Connie, the woman he initially dumped me for. And now, apparently, he's been getting a little promiscuous, and been sleeping around. And he slept with Zoe, before I ever even met her. And it was supposed to be a one night stand. They used a condom. But he was the only guy she'd slept with in the past few months (and a girl can't be the father of another girl's child, in case you didn't know) and so ... well, obviously he was the father. And she didn't know who I was, or what my connection to Leo was, when she started dating me. And then she found out, from--of all places--DAPHNE!!
I know, I know, this is getting weirder by the minute (kind of like a b-movie!) But you see, like I said, Zoe had just transferred into our department from another governmental agency--the one where Daphne worked. So she and Daphne were friends (they'd never slept together though; like I said, Zoe has a lot of common sense in her!). And so she was telling Daphne about the new girl she was dating--me--and Daphne already knew of her previous relatinship with Leo, and so decided to sabotage my relationship with Zoe by telling her all about me and Leo, and what had happened between us, all the sordid details.
So, when I found out about Zoe's predicament ... well, it was heartbreak on two levels. First, the immediate, the fact that Zoe was pregnant with the child of my ex-husband (who i was never REALLY married to, in the legal sense, but i still consider him to be that), and second, the heartbreak of the past, because this event dredges up all the emotion from that time. The fact that Leo married me in part because I WAS pregnant--with another man's child. The fact that within a week of my marriage I had a miscarriage, the same day my new husband came home and told me he wanted a divorce. All the emotional and physical pain and suffering of that time came back to haunt me, when I thought I had been freed of it forever. Time does heal most wounds--but sometimes, even after a little time has passed, those wounds can be dredged up and come back to haunt you, as I know all too well!
So anywho, Zoe told me about this, and I was literally in shock. I told her I understood why she didn't want to see me anymore, but that she should at least tell Leo about the kid. So she agree, and she told him. And their getting married soon, because of the baby, because they both want it and they think there's a chance they can be happy with each other. Even though he's still young, and has been married so many times before. Even though so much has gone wrong. Even though my heart is breaking yet again, even though I know this decision is right.
Which is why I'm now trying to explain away the pain. Because I KNOW it's for the best, what they're doing. I mean, it's obvious! Their child will grow up, healthy and happy, loved by both its mother and its father. And the two of them will have at least a chance of happiness with one another. And I ... I will continue on with my life, as though nothing had happened. As though this doesn't affect me. I will continue to explain away my pain.
Even if it doesn't work, even if it never works ... I will continue to explain away my pain.
Diary Entry #29: What's Happening to Me? October 11, 2002 6:38 pm
The B-movie continues ...
I don't know about you, but I certainly never imagined that I could possibly do what I did last night. I surprised myself so much. I still don't quite understand exactly what happened.
I mean, I turned down SEX.
When have I ever done that before? Sure, when I was in a relationship I'd say something like "sorry, I have a girlfriend," or something like that. But I always had my significant other to go back and have sex with at home. I don't think I've ever turned down a blunt offer of a one-night stand when I was single. Not once.
Until last night.
I went out to a club with some of my friends (actually it was a pretty big group, about 15-20 people in our group of friends came and went over the course of the evening I think), and we were talking and laughing and dancing and stuff. You know, the stuff we usually do.
So anywho, I was chillin' with my friend Jayne when all of a sudden this majorly hot guy comes over. I mean, he was FINE. Tall, dark and handsome, to the extreme! And he was one of those guys that has that look in his eyes. You know the one I mean! Like if you took him home, he'd have you screaming out his name within ten minutes. I mean, just by looking at him, you could tell that he was DAMN GOOD in bed.
So he starts talking with us, and we can both tell that his eyes are on me, which of course makes me very flattered! So we end up flirting (which, by the way, is GREAT foreplay! I love it!) and then we head out to the dance floor and start grinding and stuff.
We're having fun, so after awhile he whispers in my ear, "Why don't we go back to my place, for a ... private dance." Hehe. I was all giggly and stuff (what can I say, I was kinda drunk, to be honest), and so I was like, "Ok."
So we're leaving and I just stop off to tell my friends that I'm going home with a guy (which is ok since I wasn't one of the "designated drivers" so it wasn't like I was leaving my car there or anything), and they were all winking and laughing and making dirty jokes and stuff, I love those guys. They're so great!
But anywho, back to me and this guy. I don't want to give you his name, but let's just call him ... "Steve." So anywho, I get into his car with him and we go back to his place, and we start making out on his couch and stuff, and then a little more. I'll leave the details to your dirty imagination!
So as the clothes are coming off, I hear him chuckle and say something like "Bryan said you were easy, but I didn't realise he meant THIS easy!"
And suddenly I went cold.
OH. MY. GOD.
He didn't!
He did.
First Zoe, and now this. Why does life keep laughing at me, like I'm some kind of joke? Why does it keep making fun of me, keep forcing me to remember a time that I would rather forget. I haven't even thought of Bryan in awhile. Even when I thought about my baby, and how it died, I didn't think about him. I think I stopped seriously thinking of him at all shortly after he married his pregnant girlfriend. The girlfriend who got pregnant around the same time as me. Wow, she must be, how far along now? About 5 or 6 months, I'd guess. Damn. If I hadn't miscarried ... that's how far along I'd be, too.
All that and more was running through my head in the seconds after I heard the horrible thing that Steve said. He was a friend of Bryan. Of course he didn't know I was pregnant! If Bryan didn't know--and trust me, he didn't, unless he's even MORE of a bastard than I previously thought--then how could his friends possibly know? They couldn't. So, I'm sure Steve didn't know even half the effect that his words had on me.
But after that, I just couldn't go through with it. I shoved him away and calmly began to put on my clothes, even as he started whining about how I had "promised" him my body, and I told him that I had done no such thing, and that a bastard like him doesn't deserve to get laid, anyway. So I stormed out, turning down sex, right in the middle of the foreplay, for the first time in my life. I shivered at that, but, honestly, it couldn't be helped.
What else was I supposed to do? I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it, with all the memories and all the pain running through my head. The tears that were even then welling in my eyes. And what's the point of having sex if you're not going to enjoy it, and you KNOW that you're not going to enjoy it? You just shouldn't! It's just stupid, is what it is. Honestly!
So I whipped out my cell phone and called Carol to come pick me up from the street outside his house, and I went home.
Why is it that, recently, all these memories I had hoped to bury are coming back to haunt me? Why can't I just move on with my life, and forget the past?
Why must the past continue to weigh on my soul, to make me shudder with nightmares? Why can't I just turn my head away from the memories, pretending like they never happened?
But then again, those would be the actions of a coward.
And if my life, and everything that's happened to me, has taught me anything at all, it's that I am most definitely NOT a coward.
And I never will be.
So bring it on, fate. Bring on the onslaught of memories. I can take it. I'm not going to cower and whimper like a stray dog.
I'm going to take it like a woman.
More importantly, I'm going to take it like a government employee.
Diary Entry #30: Why Do People Keep Breaking My Heart? October 15, 2002 11:34 pm
B-movie teetering on the edge of Soap Opera.
Now all I need to return to that hellish Soap Opera life is for someone to come back from the dead with some totally implausible reason for why they didn't stay dead. Maybe my mom, or my dad. Or maybe I'll discover that I have a secret love child that I never knew about--even though, of course, to have a child I would have to be PREGNANT FOR NINE WHOLE MONTHS, and therefore how could I not remember that? Hmmm?
Trust me, I have no nine-month gaps in my memory.
As far as I know.
Well, anywho, on to the reason why my life sucks at this particular moment in time.
This weekend ... oh, this weekend. The three B's come to mind: Bitches, Booze, and Betrayal.
Depressed after all those memories of my Soap Opera life that I've been having, I decided to do what always helps me out in situations like this: Go out and get drunk!
So I did just that. I went out, and I got totally plastered, and had every intention of just finding some guy or some chick and just spend the night in sexual oblivion.
And then I ran into Zoe.
It didn't even cross my liquored mind to wonder just what the hell she was doing out getting drunk when she was pregnant. I mean, she's engaged to my ex-husband--my half-sister's half-brother, too. Soon, she'll be my niece's aunt. It's almost like she's usurping my place in everyone's eyes! Even Carol has taken quite a liking to her. I can't help but feel jealous, that everyone's welcoming her into the family with such open arms, and I'm just standing there, and they don't even bother looking in my direction.
And yet ... I just can't shake this damn attraction I have to her. She's just so beautiful, and so sweet, and such a wonderful person.
No wonder they all love her.
I love her too.
And not in a platonic sense, either.
So, I was drunk, and she was ... not. Well, at least I don't think she was. Although if she were, it would make everything so much easier to accept.
In my very unsober state, I let slip some things that I shouldn't have ... I told her how I felt about her, sort of. And she told me that I was drunk, and she had better get me home.
But she didn't take me to my home.
She took me to hers.
She and Leo aren't planning to live together until after their marriage. So for now she has her place all to herself. She took me in, sat me down on the couch, and kissed me. And, drunk as I was, I couldn't help but kiss her back, letting all my feelings for her flow through my lips in a non-verbal way.
We ended up making love on the couch. I fell asleep immediately after, and when I woke up, she was gone. I looked around, but there was no sign of her. I was a bit depressed at this thought, but decided that maybe it was for the best. We both needed some time to cool down before we spoke to each other. But I knew that we DEFINITELY had to discuss this.
I saw her later that day. She looked so beautiful, it made me ache inside. To think that I had made love to her, and could remember fuzzy images and hazy sensations. But when I walked up to her to say hello ... she literally turned away, giving me the cold shoulder. And then she walked away.
I just stood there, speechless. What was this all about? Why was she treating me like this? We had just made love ... and already she was turning away form me?
I could feel my heart breaking, AGAIN. It's been doing that a lot recently.
Later that evening, I finally managed to catch her alone (Leo, for some reason, seems to want to stick to her like glue, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's obvious that he has very romantic feelings for her, too. It even makes me wonder ... is her pregnancy really an accident? Or did Leo use a trick that women have been using for centuries to get her to marry him, by getting her pregnant?). I asked her what was going on.
"It was just a one-night stand," she told me, not looking into my eyes. "I just wanted a fling with another woman before I was married, and unavailable for good."
I just stood there, in shock. How could she do this to me? My heart broke for the second time that day. "You bitch," I whispered under my breath, tears falling down my cheeks. "How DARE you use me like that, without my consent?"
"You seemed to be consenting enough last night!" she snapped in anger, finally looking into my eyes, her own blazing in anger at my accusations.
"That's because I WAS DRUNK!" I yelled, and then stormed away. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was having an emotional breakdown, and I needed to go somewhere to cry in peace.
While I sat in my bedroom crying, I realized that it was Saturday night. Saturday night is the night that you're supposed to go out and have fun! So I determined that I would do just that.
With my friends Professor Connie, Lorelai, and Jayne in towe, we went out to one of the more exclusive night clubs in DC, and managed to get in in front of the long line because, as I've said many times before, I have connections!
So we danced and drank the night away, having so much fun that I nearly forgot my earlier heart break. In fact, I could feel my heart mending itself as I spent more and more time with people who actually care about me.
Then later when we were huddled in the bathroom, giggling, I realized that I had to go potty. So I told my friends to just go on without me, and I'd rejoin them in a little while, after I was done doing my business.
So, around 45-55 minutes later, I emerged from the ladies' room, and began looking around for my friends. I couldn't see them anywhere! I wonder if they'd just gotten tired of waiting, and had left without me. My butt was kind of sore, so I didn't want to sit down and wait for them. And I couldn't just stand there, because the club was very busy, so I just had to walk around, looking for them through the crowd of people, which isn't really too hard for me, since I am after 6 feet tall in my bare feet, and I was wearing 3 inch heels. But still, I couldn't spot them!
I did, however, spot someone else. Someone I really didn't want to see.
Yep, that's right.
Leo.
He was freak dancing with some random chick, and I wondered in that moment what Zoe would think if she knew he was doing that. I wondered if maybe I could use that as blackmail to get him to dump her, leaving her open to my advances.
But I couldn't do that. I don't think I could ever stoop as low as blackmail.
Although, never say never, i guess.
After a few minutes, he spotted me, and came on over. By this time, the booze was really beginning to get to me, so I was barely standing up straight, and some weird nasty guy was hitting on me, and not taking no for an answer. Leo came up and pretended to be my boyfriend, to get the guy to go away. I thanked him, of course, and then there was an awkward silence.
He asked me why I was there alone, and I told him who I came with. At the mention of Professor Connie, his face paled a little, and then flushed--it's obvious that I'm not the only one still carrying around some baggage from last summer.
He told me that he thought he'd seen them leaving, and that they probably assumed I was going home with someone else. I was too drunk to be offended by this take on my moral and sexual character.
So, he told me he'd take me home.
Do I even need to tell you what happened?
In case you can't guess ... it was a repetition of the night before, except with Leo.
And again, when I woke up in the morning, he was gone.
I couldn't help it. I just broke down, and burst into tears.
Finally, I went home, and determined that I would NOT let this get to me. And I wouldn't force a confrontation. Two people had just cheated on each other with me. I mean, I don't believe in cheating, at all. And I don't believe with helping other people cheat, either! And yet, two nights in a row, I did it. I couldn't believe myself. How did I ever come to stoop so low?
And yes, there was in fact a confrontation.
I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, when Leo came in, without bothering to knock. He closed the door and locked it, and then came over and sat on the bed.
"I love you," he told me simply, and then leaned down and began kissing me.
I sat up and pushed him away. I couldn't let this go on any longer. "You don't love me," I told him, "You USED me. You took advantage of my drunkenness to use my body like I was a cheap whore!"
And then ...
Why do people keep breaking my heart?
"You would have done it anyway!" he told me. "Everyone knows you'll sleep with anything that moves! But I love you anyway!"
I just looked at him, speechless.
How DARE he?
I shoved him away, and stormed out of my room, yelling for my sister. She looked kind of surprised to find me so angry, and I told her to kick her lousy brother out of the house, before I got mad enough to charge him with rape.
Carol was, to say the least, quite shocked.
Leo was mad. So mad.
And I just told him to get the hell out of my house and not come back, unless I wasn't there. Now he was the one storming out.
And I went back to my bedroom, sat back down on my bed, and cried my heart out.
My broken heart.
Like Mary J said ... "I'm tired of all this drama."
I just want to move on with my life.
But, honestly, I'm kind of screwed.
I mean ... Leo and Zoe are still planning to get married, even though they both cheated on each other with me.
And I'm still in love with Zoe, because she's just such a wonderful person, in spite of what she did to me ... you just can't NOT love her, you know?
And I could use the fact that Leo slept with me to get her to leave him. But the fact goes that, even though I was drunk, I slept with him, too. So Zoe would leave him, but she wouldn't necessarily come to me. So what would that cause? They'd both be unhappy, and their baby wouldn't have both parents there for her. So I'd basically be screwing EVERYONE over, for my own selfish reasons. I just can't do that.
So I'm at an impasse. All I can really do is just lie here, crying.
And by the way ... Leo was lying. My friends didn't leave without me. They were looking everywhere for me, and we just missed each other. They spent the whole night looking for me, and worrying about me, and calling Carol to ask if I was somehow at home. They did that for hours, before they finally left without me, because there was nothing else they could do.
So ... I've been used. Used, like a beaten whore.
Am I a whore?
Perhaps.
But no matter what ...
I'm not going to let it get me down.
I'm going to stand there, and hold my head up high, and say "Screw you," when someone screws me over.
And I'll mend my broken heart, no matter how long it takes.
After all, this isn't the first time its been broken.
I've developed quite a tolerance, to emotional pain.
I'll manage.
No matter what.
