Hello, my name is Lillian R Pedoman. I am a researcher for a major scientific corporation. It has recently come to my attention that there are a great deal of bodily fluids in existence. However, to my great dismay it appeared to me that no one had ever attempted to categorize these bodily fluids before! Therefore, I felt that I must try, and at least see if I could manage to do what had never been done before.
And so started this zany little project! It's cost researchers thousands of dollars, and cost me three years of my life, but I believe that I have it. The key to all life; bodily fluids. Ordered and numbered, the way they were meant to be. And some of them, surprisingly enough, are not even fluid; rather, they are solid, yet squishy, similar to fluids. I'm sure you will recognize this quality in the first even numbered item on the list.
Although much time, effort, and money has been spent to create this list, myself and my superiors are aware that there may be some bodily fluids that we missed; therefore, it is up to you, as avid readers of this precious document, to let me know if you find any errors, or know of any additional bodily fluids that were not included in this list! It will save us thousands of dollars in time and money if you can help us out like that.
To assist us with your observations, as well as any comments you may have (Is this list comprehensive? Is it useful? Is it accurate?), please email Cynthia Brown (aka Sexy Government) at GovernmentLover@hotmail.com. She was indispensible in the life of this project, because she was not only my go-between with the government (since it was the United States government that commissioned this project in the first place, and your tax dollars that payed for it!), but also she helped me deal with the mounds and mounds, gobs and gobs, piles and piles of paperwork that had to be dealt with! And she continues to help out by screening any emails, letters, or messages concerning this project, so that I may save time and continue with the important stuff--my research!
Now, for the results of this startling project:
Now, you may be wondering, yes, but what does it all mean? Well, that was part of my research, too! Not just gathering the data, but interpreting it, as well (and for all that, I got nicely paid, too!) What this means is that, when you are going to the bathroom to "pee" you can simply say, "Oh, I am going #1." Or, when a girl is in the midst of her menstrual period, known sometimes as "that time of month," and is moody and in need of midol, she can simply say, "don't mind my bad mood; i'm going #4." However, since #4 also deals with blood in general, one could also use it when one has a papercut, or a wound of some sort that is bleeding.
There has been some controversy over the #4 issue. Should we create a #12, and make that blood? Or should we make that, instead, a woman's menstrual period? Or should we just keep them as being the same, since the essence of a woman's menstrual period is blood, albeit in a different manner of excretion from the body. If you have an opinion on this controversial subject, please let us know! You may help us decide the future of this entire project.
As more research is performed, and more results gleaned, we grow closer to our final conclusions based upon this data. If you would like to be a part of this controversial yet historical project, please let Cynthia know. We can use all the help we can get. And thank you for helping out by reading this material! My career is off to a long and beautiful start.
Sincerely,
Lillian R Pedomen
PS: Thanks to an alert reader who wishes to remain anonymous; she has surely saved her government millions of dollars by detecting the ommission of sweat from the list. Thank you so much, Anonymous Reader, for allowing us the opportunity to correct this grievous error. Your government is grateful for your generous supply of help.
