Who Wants to Marry a Man?

Episode 1: Man from the Moon

Hello, and welcome to Who Wants to Marry a Man!

Today’s eligible bachelor is Frederick Frederickson, from West Virginia. He lives on a farm with his two female cousins and their three sons—who just so happen to take after him! His hobbies include hunting, fishing, and beating up his cousins whenever he catches them up in the hayloft with a man. His perfect woman is quiet, willing, and knows her place. When we asked him about his yearly income, he just laughed! Ladies, you know what that means—this man is loaded! (Or at least his shotgun is)

Now, to meet our contestants! We sent out Fred’s information all over the country to women who told us they want to be a contestant on this show. We got thousands of replies from women who wanted to marry dear old Fred here! But, unfortunately, we only have spots for a hundred women in the first round, so we asked the women to send in tapes of them at their sexiest and most desperate, trying to seduce Fred! From our many thousands of entries, Fred, and our judges, picked the sexiest and most desperate women from the entire bunch! Way to go, Fred! And you know what? As a special treat, you get to see the videos of our finalists later on in our show! Isn’t that faboo?

Now, on with the show!

For round one, the hundred women that want to marry Fred are going to have to be fiercely competitive!

First, each woman has to strip off all her clothes. Since we’re outside and we have a live audience, that will weed out the women who are not desperate enough to throw away their modesty for a man!

Next, after discarding all of her clothes, including undergarments, the woman has to run across the open field here, to the giant mud puddle we have set up, where she will then roll around until her body is completely covered in mud. The goal of this task is to weed out the women who aren’t willing to get down and dirty for—or with—a man!

After that, she has to pick herself up, still covered in mud, and run to one of the portable showers we have set up here, and wash off ALL of the mud—after all, we don’t want Fred to have to deal with a woman that can’t clean herself!

Finally, she has to make a mad dash to the finish line, where our judges will inspect her to make sure that her body is completely clear of any uncleanliness.

The 5 women that are able to do all this in the shortest amount of time, and be judged as acceptable by our judges, are the semi-finalists, and get to go on to round 2!

Alright, ladies! Are you ready? (the crowd of women cheers) On your mark, get set, go!

(The action begins as most of the women begin to hurriedly strip off their clothes, although a few of the women are now having second thoughts, now that they are put on the spot like this. The naked women now run frantically across the field to the mud puddle, viciously shoving each other out of the way. Several catfights take place. Some women, however, are far too driven to let something like that stop them. They make it to the mud puddle, and begin to roll around in it, making sure to get it all over their bodies, some even get it all over their hair! There is now a group of women who are definitely ahead of the crowd, and these women pick themselves up out of the puddle and run to the portable showers, quickly washing off the mud they just accumulated. What they don’t know, however, is that there were several cameras positioned around the mud puddle—and that the judges will be able to see if any of them took a “short cut” and didn’t COMPLETELY cover herself with mud in order to get out of their faster, and make the cleaning easier! After they’ve showered, and check themselves in the mirrors next to the shower to make sure that all the mud is gone, the women make a final mad dash towards the finish line, where they will be inspected by the judges.)

Alright! We have several women who have made it to the judges at the finish line! After their inspections, we’ll know for sure who the semi-finalists our! But right now, based completely on the time it took them, the results stand at:

1. Deborah Mayhem

2. Jodie Laher

3. Sara Metzkalski

4. Kara Foldengas

5. Nora Steigebergerson

I wish these women lots of luck, but we’ll see if any of them didn’t quite follow the rules, after this commercial break!

First of all, Deborah Mayhem, who came in first place, gets to stay a semi-finalist—no one said that it was necessary to coat your hair in mud, so after the judges consulted, they agreed to allow it.

Jodie Laher, however, is guilty of something even worse—she just splattered a bit of mud on herself, then looked around to make sure no one was watching, and just ran off! Most of her body, in fact, was NOT covered in mud! Therefore, she has been disqualified, as have Sara Metzkalski, who came in third, and Nora Steigebergerson, who came in fifth.

Kara Foldengas, our 4th place woman, was not quite clean, so she has also been disqualified.

Therefore, the semi-finalists, women with the fastest times who were not disqualified for any reason, are:

1. Deborah Mayhem
2. Jessica Selwon
3. Thora Jennison
4. Malvina Parker
5. Walladia Biship

Congratulations, ladies! Now, on to Round 2!

The goal of round 2 is to get us down to our final 3 contestants, who will vie in a much more personal manner for the heart and hand of our esteemed bachelor, Fred.

But for now, let’s get it on with round 2!

Each woman is locked into a “cell,” which is very much like a prison cell! The only tools she has are a wire coat hanger, a safety pin, a piece of paper, and a single tennis shoe. Her goal is to get out of the cell by any means necessary, then race up the stairs, strip off all of her clothes, and get into the king size bed that awaits her there. The first three women who manage to do this, are the finalists and get to go on to the next round!

Are you ready, ladies? (the contestants shout their readiness) Then, let’s go!

(The ladies get to work. Several of them start trying to pick the lock on the cell with the hanger, or the safety pin. This, however, doesn’t seem to work—the locks are unpickable! Since the women can’t see each other at all, the way the cells are positioned, they can’t see what the others are doing, or what works or doesn’t work. They have to figure it on their own. Deborah looks up, and sees that there is a key dangling on a hook above her cell! She untangles the coat hanger, and uses it to get the key from it’s hook, and then uses the key to unlock her cell, and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile, Malvina has the brilliant idea to place a piece of paper under the key, and then use the shoe lace from the tennis shoe to try and “lasso” the key. Success! But unfortunately … the key does not land on the piece of paper, it lands five feet away—where Malvina can’t reach it! Sorry Malvina. Meanwhile, Jessica, Thora, and Walladia are all having similar ideas to Deborah’s—and all three get out of their cells at the same time! Eyeing each other warily, they begin to race up the stairs, shoving each other out of the way as they go. When they get up there, they see that Deborah’s already asleep in the king size bed, which means that only two of them will get to be the winners! But wait—Walladia has a vicious idea, and whispers it to the others, who quickly nod in agreement. The three of them strip out of their clothes, and then shove the sleeping Deborah from the bed as they get in.)

Looks like we have our three finalists! Deborah, I’m sorry, but you should know that part of the game is that you have to maintain your position in the bed in order to become a finalist! Therefore, our three finalists are: Jessica Selwon, Thora Jennison, and Walladia Biship! Congratulations, women, and on to the final round!

Now, it all comes down to this, the final round of Who Wants to Marry a Man!

The final round, as all our loyal viewers know, is the most subjective, yet the most important round we have!

We’re gathered here in the studio with our eligible bachelor, Fred, and four of his closest friends. Our finalists are locked away in sound proof booths, so that they can’t see or hear just what the hell is going on! Now, studio audience, let’s welcome Fred, and his friends! (audience erupts into booming cheers).

Now, to introduce his friends. Here’s Larry, Joseph, Daniel, and Daniel’s little sister, Danielle. (the audience cheers again as the friends stand up and wave)

Now, let me explain to you how the final round works. Before the show, we informed the finalists exactly what would be required of them in order to marry our bachelor. Sometimes, a finalist will pull out, and we have to select the semi-finalist who was next in line to take her place. Well, that happened this time. Thora Jennison was not desperate enough to get married, so I’m afraid we had to say goodbye to her, and let Deborah Mayhem back in as a finalist by default.

Now, for the final round, the finalists are required to sleep with Fred and his four friends. Each of the friends then gives a score for how each woman rated in bed (or out, as the case may have been), and gives an explanation for their rating. Finally, Fred gives us his initial rating, and then he’s allowed to change it if the testimonies of his friends get to him. The final scores are tallied, with Fred’s final score being multiplied by two, since his is the most important. The woman with the highest final score wins—but not before we bring out the other two, to humiliate them! (The crowd bursts into cheers and applause).

Now, let’s begin. But first, a treat, like we promised you at the beginning of the show—before we get the scores for each woman, we get to see their video tape! Now roll the video tape for Jessica Selwon!

(We see a young, blond woman with a very nice body and an incredibly unattractive face, poll dancing naked for the camera. The audience cheers very loudly, although there are some boos.)

Now, for the scores! What did y’all give her, and why? Starting with you, Larry.

Larry: Well, Bob, honestly … her body is fabulous, and she’s great in the sack. I mean, DAMN! But, that face … honestly, she looks like a goddamn horse! I don’t want my best bud over here to wake up to that face every morning, so I give her a 1.

Joseph: I have to agree with Larry, Bob. I mean, that’s a face even a mother couldn’t love! Personally, she didn’t do it for me in the sack, either. So I’m giving her a 0.

Daniel: I’m afraid I have to disagree with you guys. I mean … Her face isn’t all that bad, once you get used to it. And compared to the other girls, she’s definitely quite a catch. And the sex was fabulous. I almost wish I were the one getting married here, instead of Fred, if she were the winner! Definitely a 10.

Danielle: I have to go with my brother on this one. I mean, she has an amazing mouth, and she told me—and showed me, too!—that she wouldn’t be averse to having a threesome with her husband and another woman, which is one of Fred’s favorite things to do, sexually. So, I also give her a 10.

Frederick: Well, now, this was a hard decision. I mean, her body is damn fine, but then there is that face. She was an amazing lay, but honestly, I’m not completely sure if I could get up with her every morning for the rest of my life, or at least until we get a divorce. So, I’m sticking with my initial gut feeling, and going with a 5.

Fabulous! So Jessica’s final score is … 31! Let’s see if our other finalists can top that! Next is … Walladia Biship!

(Video Clip of Walladia: Sitting on a bed with satin sheets, a young woman with tiny breasts and the face of a model, strips down to the nude, while singing a sexy song)

Larry: Now, Wally, as I call her, was amazing. She is incredibly flexible, let me tell you! And although her breasts are tiny, and somewhat prepubescent, she would make an amazing wife, I’d love to come home to her every day, let me tell you! 10 from me, Bob.

Joseph: Now, Larry and I, we have the same taste. This one’s a keeper. 10.

Daniel: Looks like I have to disagree with you boys again! This woman … She did nothing for me. She was much too loose … and her mouth was a complete turn off. This girl bites—hard! I’m giving her a 0.

Danielle: Once again, I’m going with my brother on this. She refused to have sex with me, because I’m a woman. She’s never even kissed a woman before. I mean … I just couldn’t stand her, really. 0.

Frederick: Well, initially I gave her an 8, because the sex was amazing, and she has a beautiful face. But after what Daniel and Danielle said … I think I’m going to have to lower that to a 4. Because I really do love keeping the company of two women at once, and if she can’t do that … well, then I’m not sure I want to be married to a prude!

There you have it folks, Walladia’s final score is … 28! I’m afraid she’s definitely not going to be the winner today! So now it comes down to our final contestant … Deborah Mayhem!!

(Video tape of Deborah, a gorgeous woman with a gorgeous face AND a gorgeous figure, who would put Helen of Troy to shame, doing a little dance in her underpants, with her luscious, full breasts hanging freely and bobbing along with the music)

Larry: Now, Deborah! She is a woman after my own heart. Amazing. 10!

Joseph: Oh lord, Larry you have excellent taste! Debbie dear is definitely a 10.

Daniel: For once, I’m agreeing with you boys! She’s such a 10.

Danielle: I was so happily surprised when Debbie told me that she’d actually been in several lesbian relationships before! I swear, I had tears streaming down my eyes. She really knows how to please a woman! She gets a 10, and I certainly hope she wins and we can visit each other after she marries!

Frederick: Actually … on this one I’m afraid I don’t agree with anyone at all!! I hated the bitch! If she wins, I’m not gonna marry her, no matter what! (the crowd begins to boo, but then Frederick bursts out laughing). Ha ha! Fooled ya! This gal was my favorite of ‘em all, I’m glad my friends liked her, they know they can come on over to my place anytime! This one is a 10! Now, bring her on out here, I’m getting horny from watching that video tape of hers!

Amazing! Deborah Mayhem gets a PERFECT final score, of 60 points!! Absolutely, positively fantastic!!

Now, before we can bring out our beautiful winner, we have to bring out the losers, and humiliate them.

Let’s bring out Jessica! (Jessica comes out, smiling) Jessica, do you know what you’ve won?

Jessica (still smiling): No, Bob, what have I won?

NOTHING!! (the crowd bursts into hoots and hollers and cheers and applause as Jessica bursts into tears and runs off stage)

Now, Walladia, come on down! (Walladia comes out, but doesn’t know what happened to Jessica, so she too is smiling, believing that she has won)

Walladia, what is it that you think I’m going to tell you right now?

Walladia: That I’ve one, and now I’m going to be Mrs. Frederick Frederickson!

I’m afraid not! You don’t get jack, Walladia! Now go home, you weren’t desperate enough to want to be married! (Walladia walks off, holding her head high, tears running down her face as the crowd boos her)

Now, for our winner! Deborah Mayhem, Come on out! (Deborah comes out, a fake smile plastered on her face)

Deborah, do you know what it is that you’ve won?

Deborah (sighing): I’ve lost, didn’t I? (she bursts into tears and begins to run away)

No, no! Deborah, YOU WON!! YOU GET TO BECOME MRS. FREDERICK FREDERICKSON, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, TODAY!

(Deborah runs across the stage and into Frederick’s arms, and they begin to hump each other and shift aside clothing so that she can ride him on his lap)

Well, that’s it for today’s show, people! But as the credits roll, you can watch scenes from the marriage of our happy couple! BYE EVERYBODY, AND REMEMBER: IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH, YOU TOO CAN MARRY A MAN!!