Who Wants to Marry a Man?

Episode 2: Men are from Mars

Hello everyone, and welcome to Who Wants to Marry a Man! I’m your host, Bob Robertson!

Now, down to business. Today’s eligible bachelor is that infamous starving artist/comedian, Joseph Rotweiler! He’s been wanting to get married for years, but do to a horrible car accident which seriously disfigured his face, poor Joseph finds himself unable to pick up chicks! So we’re here to do it for him! Our friend Joseph lives in a studio apartment in New York City. He’s quite the minimalist—in fact, he doesn’t even have a bed, he sleeps on a mattress on the floor! Isn’t that faboo? He also has two cats, named Fluffy and Kittens, and a list of ex-girlfriends that goes from here to New Jersey (keeping in mind that this show is, in fact, taped in New Jersey). His hobbies include painting, sculpting, starving, and getting booed out of nightclubs all across the state! He’s looking for a woman that’s funny, rich, and preferably has an IQ of less than 100.

Now, let’s meet our contestants! We only had about 200 women who wanted to marry him, so we had each of them take an IQ test, and the 100 lowest scores get to vie for a chance to marry their Mr. Right, our Mr. Rotweiler!

Now, on with the show!

To get past round one, these women are going to have to think on their feet—with their funny bones!

First, the horde of women has to get through a series of three sets of doors. At each set, the first line of a joke is written above the doors. There are three doors to choose from, and only one has the correct punch line! If a woman chooses the wrong door, she can’t get back out! Therefore, only the women who know enough about jokes to know the right answers to ALL three jokes will make it past these barriers!

Next, the women have to strip off all their clothes and swim across an Olympic size pool (because we have cameras set all around the pool that catch naked women swimming, that’s why!).

After that, the women have to towel off COMPLETELY (except for hair, but that doesn’t count because before they go into the water they’re supposed to put on a swim cap), and then run through a hallway that has various scenes of men and women in lewd positions, and other sexy things on them (paintings done by Joseph, actually!)

Finally, the women cross the finish line. And the first five women to cross the finish line and be COMPLETELY dry (including no wetness “down there”—they must have self-control, and not become aroused too easily by their potential future husband’s artwork) are the semi-finalists, and get to go on to the next round.

Now, if the ladies are ready … which they are … we can begin!

(The women, as a group, run up to the first joke, where they stand staring at it for several minutes—since they are, after all, of low intelligence—before they begin to choose doors. The first joke is “Why did the chicken cross the road?” The first door reads “Because he tastes just like chicken!” The second door reads “To get to the other side,” and the third door reads, “To collect insurance when the truck hit him.” A vast majority of women choose the first door; however, the second door is the correct one. Only about 40 women get through the first door. The second set of doors bears the joke: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who?” The first door proclaims “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” The second door proclaims “Orangina,” and the third door proclaims “Banana.” Once more, many women choose the wrong door; the correct door is the third one. Only about 20 women make it through this one. Now, onto the third set of doors. “A Man Walks into a Bar.” The choices are: “Quack” for the first door, “Ouch,” for the second door, or “He orders a Coors Light,” for the third door. Most women head for the third door; the correct choice, however, was the first door. 10 women make it through! Now, they are heading for the swimming pool, and stripping naked, going as fast as they can! They’re swimming! Wow, what a show … ahem. And some of them are getting ahead, and getting out, and rubbing a towel all over their delicious nakedness! Err, I mean, ahem. And their running to the finish line …!)

Well! All ten women made it through. But now the judges have to inspect them, to make sure that there’s absolutely no wetness whatsoever on their naked, luscious bodies! After this commercial break, we’ll be back, with the five semi-finalists!

And we’re back! It’s been confirmed, the five finalists are:

1. Nancy Polanski
2. Joleen McCoyre
3. Kendra Koyle
4. Dolly Doyle
5. Maggie Smelterson

Alright, now on to round 2! The point of this round is to test the ingenuity of our ladies, and see which 3 will go on to be finalists in the competition for our favorite person, Mr. Joseph Rotweiler!

But first, these five women have a task to perform. Each woman is locked in her own room, where she cannot see or contact any of the other women. Her goal is to find a way out of this locked room using only the furniture and her wits, and then to strip naked and slide into the King Size Bed. However, in this particular competition, the woman is NOT allowed to go through the door, so she has to find another way out of the room.

Good luck, ladies—you’re going to need it!

(Each woman looks around the room that she’s in, looking for something to help her out. Joleen quickly spots an air vent and pushes the wobbly little chair over to it. However, standing on the chair is not enough for her to reach it. So she slides the table over, and puts the chair on top of the table. She then easily slides the cover off the air vent, and slips into the ventilation system. Nancy, meanwhile, decides to go against the rule and uses a simple hair pin to pick the lock on the door. Once she leaves the room, however, she realizes that on the other side of the door was nothing but another room, with no windows or anything! And as the door closes and locks behind her, she realizes that she’s out of the game. Maggie also has an ingenious idea—to use the window! However, once outside, she doesn’t know how the hell she’s supposed to get to the King Size bed, so she tries to get back into the room—but the window’s been locked behind her! Maggie’s out. Dolly and Kendra have a similar idea to Joleen’s, and the two women end up getting to the King Size Bed shortly after her, strip naked, and climb in with her.)

Alright, we have our finalists! Joleen McCoyre, Kendra Koyle, and Dolly Doyle! These three lovely ladies have made it to the final round!

Welcome to the Final Round of Who Wants to Marry a Man! This is where our three finalists show us exactly how bad they want it!

But first, let’s meet our eligible bachelor, Mr. Joseph Rotweiler, and his four best friends, who will be the judges for our finalists today. Our panel of judges includes Mr. Rotweiler’s sister, Daisy, his neighbor from across the hall, Grungy J, and his cats, Fluffy and Kittens.

Now, Mr. Rotweiler is a huge fan of rimming. Therefore, the final challenge for our contestants today was to ‘toss the salad’ of each of the judges on our panel! Now, for the results, while viewers in our studio audience and at home can watch clips of each session between the woman and our judges.

First off, Kendra Koyle. Daisy, why don’t you start us off?

Daisy: Thank you, Bob. Well, Kendra was a very nice girl, although she had absolutely no experience whatsoever. But she was very sweet, and willing to give it a shot, so in honor of her effort, I gave her a 7.

Grungy J: She had a nice technique, but she could do with a little learning. But then again, Rotty is a damn good teacher, I’m sure he’d love to teach her how to do it right. She gets a 7 from me, Bob.

For our feline judges, we’ve given them scorecards for each lady, and they will simply show them to us, while our “Animal Translator,” tells us their reasons!

Fluffy: (8) “She didn’t flinch when I raised my tail. I like that in a lady.”

Kittens: (7) “She was inexperienced, yet superb in many other ways that made up for this lack.”

Joseph: Well, Bob, I really did like Kendra. She was a nice piece of ass, but in the rimming department, which is what this was about, she wasn’t all that great. So, considering what everyone else has said, I’ll stick with my initial rating, and give her a 7.

Great, everyone! Now let’s tally the scores, with Joseph’s being multiplied by two since, after all, he’s the one getting hitched at the end of the show by our desperate lady! Okay, and Kendra gets a … very respectable 43!

Now, how about Dolly Doyle?

Daisy: Well, Dolly had a great deal of experience with salad tossing—she used to be a prostitute, you know! But I didn’t like her, shall we say, “bedside manner.” It was just too cold, and gave me the shivers, and made me feel dirty afterwards, you know? So she only got a 5 from me, Bob.

Grungy J: Now, that’s where I disagree! I thought she was an excellent choice, kind of like a fine wine, or maybe a Bud Light. I dunno. But anywho, I gave her a 8, because she really floats my boat, Dick!

My name’s Bob.

Grungy J: Whatever.

Fluffy: (10) “She made me purr like a motorboat. And that’s saying a lot!”

Kittens: (4) “She wasn’t that great. She just wanted to cuddle. I hate women who cuddle!”

Joseph: Well, Bob, I’m going to have to stick to my guns on this one, too, and give Delicious Dolly Doyle (winks at the audience) an 8.

Alright! That means that Delicious … errr, Dolly Doyle gets … Oh my gosh, a 43! We’re neck and neck here folks, and have a tie! But is it a tie for first place … or second place?

We’ll find out after we hear about our final contestant, Joleen McCoyre!

Daisy: Joleen was Mmm Mmm good, just like Campbell’s Soup! She swallowed it all down, like a good little girl who knows how to take her medicine with a straight face and a spoonful of sugar. 10.

Grungy J: Nahh, she wasn’t that great. But she was ok. I think she was ok. I don’t really remember. I guess I’ll just give her a 5. You know. Whatever.

Fluffy: (8) “She knew what to do, and when to do it. Quite a talented young lady.”

Kittens: (7) “More fun than a barrel of monkeys. But … well, let’s just say I’ve had better.”

Joseph: Well, Bob … Joleen was a nice girl. She and Dolly were actually about the same in my books. So I might as well give ‘em the same score, too! Jolee-girl gets an 8 from me.

And that makes her score … 46! We have a winner, and that winner is Joleen McCoyre! But first, let’s bring out our LOSERS, and humiliate them, like usual!

DOLLY DOYLE, COME ON OUT! (Dolly comes out, wearing a gorgeous smile)

Dolly Doyle, do you know what you’ve won?

Dolly: No, Bob, but I take it you’re going to tell me!

You’ve won … Fluffy and Grungy J’s hearts! (Fluffy and Grungy J run up to her and start molesting her—but Dolly seems to enjoy this, and so they go off stage to a place where they can have a little privacy)

Now, our OTHER loser, Kendra Koyle. Kendra, come on down and see what you’ve won!

Kendra: Why don’t you tell me what I won, Bob? (glares at him and slams one fist into the opposite palm)

Err … you’ve won … my faithful and undying devotion for all eternity! (Bob gets down on his knees and pulls flowers out of nowhere and hands them to her. She drags him offstage, where we can hear him moaning and groaning in the throws of sexual pleasure)

Joseph: Oh, great. Now there’s no host to get me my bride! Hey, Joleen! Get your ass out here! (Joleen runs into Joseph’s arms and they start tearing at each other’s clothes, and going at in on the couch where the judges used to sit, but now Grungy J and Fluffy are off somewhere with Dolly, and Daisy and Kittens are making out on the other side of the stage … and it’s just general pandemonium.)

That’s it for (moan) our (groan) show today, everybody! And REMEMBER (series of grunts) IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH (a few moments of silence, followed by a cackle) YOU TOO CAN MARRY A MAN! (long, drawn out groan as the screen fades to black and credits roll)