Episode 3: The Blondes Srike Back!
Hello! This is your host, Bob Robertson, welcoming you to today’s edition of Who Wants to Marry a Man? Today is our special Blonde Edition, with nothing but blondes! Wow, isn’t that faboo?
Anywho, let’s get it on with our show!
Let’s meet today’s bachelor, John Doe! John is a young man who recently bleached his hair blond, and changed his identity, his clothing, and everything else about him, when he entered the witness protection program after witnessing a mob hit! Here’s a picture of John before—back when his name was Herbert Lowell—and now, when he’s John Doe! Wow, what a remarkable transformation, John! No one will be able to recognize you now, and kill you before you can testify against them in a court of law!
John: …
So, are you ready to get married, John?
John: (in a deep voice, obviously done by a special voice box to conceal his true voice) If it’s the last thing I do, Bob … Which it probably will be, you moron! (slouches low in his chair and pulls the lapels of his black trench coat up around his face.
Haha, wow, that’s great. Ahem. Anywho, we’ve changed our format a little, just to try something new, and I really hope that all of our loyal fans out there enjoy this new format! Now, onto round one!
As you can see, the theme of today’s show is all blondes, all the time! Haha, oh, I kill me. Ahem. In order to be selected as one of the lucky, and desperate, women on today’s show, we had thousands of blondes from across the country perform acts of public humiliation, on video tape, in order to get on our show! Unfortunately, we could only let the 100 most desperate, most humiliated blondes—fake or not, we don’t care—onto our show. And, interestingly enough, many of the women who were disqualified tried to get hit in the groin with various objects … but, you see, being blond, they don’t quite grasp the fact that it’s funny when a man gets hit in the groin … but not when it’s a woman! So, sorry, ladies, but no dice!
Now, onto our first round. As you can see, we’re at a horse track! That’s right, a horse track. And the women are all crowded at the starting line, because, guess what? For this first round, their going to be acting like horses! And also for today’s special edition, we’re going to be allowing them to cheat since, after all, they are blondes!
First, the women have to run one lap around the track—and to make this even more desperate, we’ll only let the first 50 women continue past that!
Next, they have to cross over to the obstacle course—with high jumps, pools, and various other obstacles that they have to get around by any means necessary! And since they’re blondes—let’s just say, this part is going to be FUN! We only let 20 women beyond this point—so that only the truly desperate, those driven by their adrenaline to succeed in getting our John Doe, will make it past this point.
Finally, they reach the stables—where they have to strip naked, get on a horse bareback, and ride it like the wind, all the way to the finish line! And the first five women to cross the line—on horse—no matter how much they cheated, will become our semifinalist and get to go on to the next round!
Ready ladies? (the blondes cheer, although some of them just look confused and scratch their heads) THEN LET’S GO!
(the women start running around the track, shoving at each other and getting into catfights, and hair pulling—and insults that don’t make any sense. A few are just kind of standing there, not sure of what’s going on. Many, however, are incredibly desperate for a man, any man, and so they push forward, into the obstacle course. Now this is where things get shady. The obstacles are the kind meant for horses, not humans. The dumber blondes try to make it past the obstacles—which is, of course impossible. The less moral ones just cheat and run straight through the course to the stables, where they strip naked. Some of them stop to pose for the camera, or to ask another one if her skin makes her butt look big. The most desperate, however, will not be deterred from their quest—and they get on the horses and ride, ride like the wind, to the finish line, where they pose, nude, on their horses—which, one semi-finalist giggles, is also nude!)
Alright! We have our semi-finalists! Congratulations to:
Good work, ladies! But remember—only one of you can win a marriage to our wonderful man, John Doe!
So, to see which one that will be, onto Round 2!
Alright, ladies! You’ve made it this far, but can our blonde semi-finalists make it any further? Let’s find out!
Today’s second round is a version of the game “charades,” except the theme is on sex! Each of our ladies is locked in a room with a man who knows where the key is to unlock the door of the room, so that she can reach the Master Bedroom and slip under the covers, and become a finalist! But only the first three women in the king size bed will get to move on to the final round! So lets hope that they play well.
The rules of this game of “Sexual Charades” is that the men in the room with them are blindfolded, and if the blindfold is removed, the contestant is disqualified. Instead, she has been given a card with a certain sexual act on it; she has to use her body to show him what this act is, and he has to guess correctly, before he can give her the key that rests safely in his possession.
Can our women perform this task? Let’s watch and find out!
(First, we watch Sally Watson. We see her take a whip and some chains down from the wall. She chains the man to the bed, and then slowly draws the whip over his body)
Man: Uh … Sado-masochism?
(Sally begins jumping up and down: He guessed right! He gives her the key, and she exits the room)
(Next, we see Tory Jones. She looks down at her card, puzzled, and scratches her head. Then, she lights up, and leans down, yanks off the man’s pants, and begins to suck on his you-know-what.)
Man: (moan) It’s a blow job!
(That is, of course, the correct answer, but Tory doesn’t stop, she just keeps on going and going, like the energizer bunny. And then, when they’re done, they start doing it like rabbits on the bed with satin sheets, completely oblivious to the fact that she could have won…)
(Thirdly, we view Lana Long, who’s blond hair is obviously fake, since we can see the dark roots. She was once a brunette—which is probably why she’s smarter than the other contestants! She quickly looks down at the card, and then positions herself and the man so that she’s on her hands and knees, and his body is leaning over her.)
Man: (happily) Oh, I get it! It’s sodomy! I love anal!
(Lana smacks her forehead and then shifts her thong so that he goes in the other hole)
Man: Oh, right … doggy style!
(They take a few minutes to finish what they started, and then he hands Lana the key, letting her leave the stifling room.)
(Now, we observe Jill Jameson. She sticks her tongue into her man’s mouth.)
Man: Mmph, French Kiss! Mmph
(That is correct! Jill quickly grabs the key and scurries out of the room, like a desperate old hag.)
(Finally, we regard Barbara Beerknut. She looks at the card, looks at the man, and then throws the card away. She rips the blindfold off the man, rips the clothes—including the thong—off of herself, and squats above his mouth, where he begins to feast.)
Man: (in between munches) Cunnilingus!
(a shot of the card reveals that it’s not that at all; actually, it’s rimming. But, apparently, Barbara was so desperate that she’d rather have this man than wait a few more minutes for poor John Doe! Oh well. Her loss.)
Well, there’s that! We have our three finalists! Well done ladies! So, Sally Watson, Lana Long, and Jill Jameson are the blonds that get to continue on to the final round!
Welcome to the final round of Who Wants to Marry a Man? This is where we have some big changes in our show! Viewers don’t just want to hear about what our ladies do for this round; they want to see it! So, with keeping that in mind, let me describe what we had our finalists do for today—on videotape, no less!
First, we sent each finalist out in a motorboat, all by herself—except for the camera crew that surrounded her little vessel. Then, she had to unplug a leak in the boat, so that it would sink beneath her! Now, each woman had been already hooked up with special neuro-transmitter thingies that sent results back to our special, highly professional lab, in the basement of our studio. So, as the ship sank, it was the duty of our very blonde, and very desperate finalists to use a battery-operated vibrator, provided by us, in order to orgasm at least 10 times within the ten minutes before the boat was calculated to sink. If she could do this, then she’d win 40 points! However, we also had our panel of judges watch the tapes, and give scores for form, technique, and artistry—unbeknownst to our ladies, who are currently in a soundproof booth backstage!
So, without further ado, let’s get to the footage!
(Videotape of Sally in a boat, lying on her back, spread eagle, as a timer in the upper right-hand corner begins to count down from 10:00. The tape begins to speed up, jumping to the first orgasm—the results of the neuro-transmissions are in the lower right-hand corner, while the lower left-hand corner begins to count the number of orgasms, as we watch her naked body convulsing. The count goes up, as the minutes go down—at only one minute left, she’s only at 8 orgasms! Can she do it? No! She’s only up to nine by the time the clock runs out, and the boat has sunk, and they have to send in men to dive after her.)
Ooh, poor Sally, so close, and yet, so far! Haha. Anywho, now on to our next finalist!
(Lana takes a squatting position, and wastes no time—her first orgasm takes place within the minute, and others follow mere seconds after. She’s reached 10 by the time the clock hits 8:00, but she keeps on going, and going, and going! And the counter keeps going up. By the time her time has run out, she reached 57!)
Wow, that was amazing! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it in my life! Unfortunately, we can’t give any extra points for going beyond ten—but we can say, “Lana, that’s a job well done!” Haha!
Finally, our final contestant, Jill!
(Jill doesn’t even bother with the vibrator—she straddles the side of the boat and begins to hump it for all it’s worth! She manages to reach 10 orgasms just as the clock is counting down to 0.)
Wow! Just in the nick of time, eh, Jill? Well, it’s still anybodies game! Jill and Lana are tied for first place with 40 points, and Sally is lagging behind with 0 points—but, based upon what the judges thought about the form, grace, technique, and so forth, of their masturbatory sessions, anyone can win this thing yet! So, onto the judges!
Judges? Tell me what you gave to Sally!
Wow, and this puts Sally in the lead! As usual, John Doe’s points are doubled, so Sally’s final score is … 59! Wow, she could still win this one yet!
Now, what about Jill’s score?
Wow! Sally’s definitely out of the game this time! And Jill’s final score is … 90! Amazing! I wonder if Lana can possibly surpass this?
Who about it, Judges? How did Ms. Long do?
Wow, it’s neck and neck, folks—or should I say, vibrator and vibrator? Let’s just tabulate the scores … let’s see … is it … could it be … Yes, it is! With 96 points under her garter belt, Lana Long is the winner of John Doe’s hand in marriage!
(Before Bob can bring out the losers to humiliate them, however, John Doe rushes up to the stage)
John Doe: Let’s just hurry and get the marriage over with, and THEN you can humiliate them, okay?
Okay! LANA LONG, COME ON OUT AND MEAT YOUR HUSBAND!
(Lana runs out and into John Doe’s arms, and Bob, by the power vested in him, pronounces them man and wife. Just as John Doe kisses the bride, several shots ring out, and his body, now riddled with bullet holes and covered in blood, slumps against his screaming, formerly-brunette bride.)
Uhh … looks like the witness protection program didn’t really help him all that much after all! Well, uh … Until next time, I’m Bob Robertson, for Who Wants to Marry a Man?
ROUND 1: BLONDES, BLONDES, BLONDES!
ROUND 2: MY BLONDE IS BETTER THAN YOURS
FINAL ROUND: DO BLONDES REALLY HAVE MORE FUN?
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