Episode 1: Venus and Jupiter Collide
Hello, and welcome to Who Wants to Marry a Man: Gold Edition! I’m your host for the evening, Bob Robertson. But enough about me. Let’s get to the contestants!
Our first contestant is Melissa Thountern of southern Kentucky. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, and playing with her collection of “critters,” as she calls them. She likes smart men, and dislikes tattoos.
Our second contestant is Jade Lyon of northern Idaho. She loves potatoes! She’s a meat and potatoes kind of gal. She also enjoys men who know how to shoot guns. Likes: Funny men. Dislikes: Laughter.
Our third and final contestant this evening is Lacy Herman of New York, New York. She loves shopping and diamond rings—especially the engagement kind! She likes men who are prepared to make a commitment, and dislikes red necks.
Alright then, on with our show!
Now, as you know, each of our guests must perform a humiliating, self-degrading act in order to be selected as the bride of our “Mystery Man,” who will be revealed at the end of our show. Before the show, the ladies drew lots as to who performs which act. Melissa will be performing the first one.
Okay Melissa, are you ready?
Melissa: Yessir! Ready as Ah’ll evah bea!
Oh-kay. Ahem. What you must do to win the love of our “Mystery Man,” is to strip off all your clothes (of course), and, while keeping a hula hoop perfectly in place around your slender hips, recite the Gettysberg Address to the tune of “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park.
Melissa: (looking confused) Linkin Who? Cain’t Ah just recite it to tha tune of one a Reba’s songs?
No! You’re missing the point! It’s a pun! Lincoln … Linkin …
Melissa: Lincoln? Who’s Lincoln?
THE 16TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THAT’S WHO!!
Melissa: Oh … Never heard of ‘im.
(Bob smacks himself on the forehead and mumbles) I hate this job, I hate my life, but my contract runs out in one year, and then I’ll be free … free, free, FREEEEEE!!!! (shouting to the heavens before he realizes where he is and straightens his tie). Err, ahem. Now, just get on with it, Melissa.
Melissa: Okey dokey.
(Melissa takes off all her clothes, much to the delight of the studio audience and the judges—she has a great body, and gets many catcalls and whistles from the audience, as well of pieces of paper with phone numbers on them thrown at her. She begins to twirl the hula hoop around her hips as she recites the Gettysberg Address to the tune of “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park—which doesn’t quite work, and sounds horrible, but she does it very well, with refinement and grace. When she’s finished, she lets the hula hoop fall and stands there, naked, basking in the approval of the audience.)
Wonderful, wonderful! Excellent work, Melissa, excellent work! (whispered) Meet me after the show and we can work something out, if you know what I mean … (to the audience) Wasn’t that great, folks? (the audience cheers loudly for the still nude Melissa, who is now strutting her stuff) Ahem. Judges?
(The judges are sitting behind a screen, so that all you can see of them are their shadows. Above the screen is a little digital board, where the numbers that they give her for her performance, on a scale of 1-10, can be seen by everyone.)
Okay, thank you, judges! Melissa’s score is currently at 35 points! But which judge is our Mystery Man? You’ll all get a chance to guess later, and then find out at the end of the show! But now, for our second contestant, Jade!
Alright, Jade. Are you ready?
Jade: You betcha, Mr. Robertson!
It’s Bob, sweetie. Ahem. Your humiliating, self-degrading task that you must perform is … to jump rope, naked, while standing on your hands, while singing the national anthem!
Jade: And what national anthem would that be, Mr. Robertson?
For the last time, it’s BOB. And what national anthem do you THINK it is?
Jade: Oh, ok. Got it!
(Jade doesn’t get as many cheers as Melissa when she strips; her body’s not nearly as nice, and she’s kinda nerdy. She does a handstand, and two men, each holding the side of a jump rope, stand on either side of her, and begin to twirl the rope. As she starts hopping up and down on her hands, she sings “God Save the Queen.” Bob quickly interrupts the proceedings, which causes Jade to fall down)
Jade: What’s wrong, Mr. Robertson?
HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU THAT MY NAME IS BOB YOU MORON!! And what were you singing??? I said the NATIONAL ANTHEM! You were NOT singing the National Anthem!!!
Jade: Yes I was! God Save the Queen is England’s national anthem!
(Bob smacks his forehead, growing VERY angry!) I meant the national anthem of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA YOU STUPID LITTLE GIRL!! But since you fell down, your task is over and you can’t redeem yourself, sorry. Judges? (mutters) They’d better give her a low score, or I swear I’ll quit, contract be damned!
Okay, Judge #1 is an idiot, if I do say so myself … and with my luck, he’s probably the Mystery Man, too! But anywho, our dear little Jade here, gets a measly 27 points, most of which are certainly NOT deserved!
(Jade runs back to her seat, still naked, and crying)
But moving on from that fiasco … our third contestant, Lacy, gets the most horrible, disgusting, awful task of all!
Lacy: …I’m ready, Bob! Whatever it is … I NEED A MAN!!! (bursts into tears)
Err … ok. Ahem. Lacy’s task is … to have sex with a masked man (who shall remain nameless) in this big pile of dung over here! And it’s not dung from just one species, oh no. There’s cow dung, elephant dung, horse dung, pheasant dung, and many, many more! Also, you have to do this all while listening to the Mexican Hat Dance, and having water poured over you, which will make the dung all runny! Are you game, Lacy?
Lacy: I’LL DO ANYTHING!! ANYTHING!! I JUST NEED ME A MAN!! (bursts into tears, yet again)
(Lacy undresses and lies down in the dung, just like it were a bed. One of the judges—we can’t tell which one because a curtain has been pulled down over the judges station—comes out wearing a mask, and strips naked, much to the enjoyment of the female audience members. Then, he pounces on her, as the Mexican Hat Dance begins to play, and water begins to gush over them, melting the dung into mud-like dung that’s all sticky and gross, and gets all over their bodies as they roll around in it, clearly enjoying themselves very much, and giving the audience—and the judges, who can see via a television screen—quite a show! Finally, they finish, and the masked man gets up and exits to go clean himself off, leaving Lacy sitting there, in the dung, dazed after some really great sex!)
Okay, now judges … (the curtain is lifted after a few minutes, and we see all the judges sitting there) what is the verdict?
Oh, wow! Amazing! An almost perfect score for Lacy, after undergoing one of the most humiliating tasks ever! Way to go, Lacy! You’re our winner!!!
Melissa and Jade: Hey, wait a minute!
Yes, ladies?
Melissa: Ah thought y’all said that there would be anothah raound! And we get to guey-us which of the judges is the Mystery Man!
Err … well, I guess so. But with 35 and 27 points, respectively … you really don’t stand a chance against Lacy’s 49.5.
Jade: Well, how many points do we get if we guess the correct judge as being the Mystery Man?
Err … Ahem, err … 25.
Jade: Aha! Then it’s still anybody’s game, now, isn’t it?
Yeah, I guess so … Okay, then. Melissa, let’s start with you. Who’s your pick for the Mystery Man Judge?
Melissa: Hmmm … (examines the silhouettes of the judges through the screen, as well as the list of the previous scores above the screen) I’ll pick …
No! No, don’t TELL us who you picked!! That takes away all the suspense! Here, you have to write it down on this card, then place it on your lap, and when it’s time to reveal the judges, we’ll reveal him and you tell us who you picked, ok?
Melissa: Alright.
(The three women all examine the scoreboard and the silhouettes of the judges through the screen, as they quickly scribble down their selections, to the tune of the music from Jeopardy! When they’re finally done, they all place the cards face down, and look up)
Alright ladies, are you ready?
Melissa, Jade, and Lacy (who’s still covered head to toe in dung): Yes, Bob!
Ok. Melissa, what was your answer?
Melissa: I guessed … Judge #2! (holds up her card, which reads, in very childish handwriting #2)
And you know what Melissa? You’re … CORRECT!! It IS Judge #2! (the audience cheers, although not that loudly) That means that Melissa is in the lead, with 60 points! Which means, I’m sorry, Jade, but you can’t win now. (The audience cheers even louder. They all hate Jade.) What did you say, anyway, Jade?
Jade: Judge #1 …
Oh, right, the one that actually LIKED your performance! Phew! Thank goodness it’s not him! Ahem. Anywho, Lacy, you can still win this, if you guessed correctly. Whom did you guess?
Lacy: (with tears in her eyes) I … I’m afraid I didn’t guess correctly, Bob. I … I guessed … (she holds up a card that says, in very nice, elegant handwriting, “Judge 5”)
Oh, Lacy, I’m sorry … uh … wait a minute …. Oh! My producer was just telling me, that apparently someone screwed up! The Mystery Man IS Judge #5! (Lacy begins jumping up and down in excitement) He was also the masked man! Lacy, how did you know?
Lacy: (dreamily) I’d know the silhouette of my masked man anywhere! And I knew it had to be him, it just had to be! And if it weren’t … I wouldn’t want to marry him anyway!
(The Mystery Man comes out from behind the screen and he and Lacy embrace each other, and then fall to the ground, and begin rolling around in the dung … again.)
Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks (Melissa is screaming and crying in the background, and has to be restrained). Join us again next time, for Who Wants to Marry a Man: Gold Edition!
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