Legend of the Lost Thong

Part II: Search for the Hidden Thong

By Thongliona Thongberry

I was lounging, naked, by my Olympic size swimming pool the other day. I could just feel a terrible burn beginning to creep into my skin. So I called over the pool boy, so that he might rub lotion on my beautiful, lush body.

His name was Enrique. He was an illegal immigrant whom I had hired because we was willing to do anything, including sexual favors, in order to stay in this country with his 17 year old wife and their 5 babies.

He didn’t speak any English whatsoever, only Spanish. I, of course, am fluent in Spanish. But it amused me to tell Enrique my life story in English, knowing that he didn’t understand a single word of it.

Even as he entered my backdoor, I couldn’t stop myself from talking. Talking about anything. Life, love, or the lack thereof. My family, my ex-wives and ex-husband. But never, ever did I tell him about Antoine.

But as he turned me onto my stomach, and entered me from behind as he lathered suntan lotion all over my back and neck and shoulders and arms, something felt … different, somehow. Not quite the same, even though we had performed these exact same actions a thousand times before.

And then I looked into the pool, and saw my reflection.

Long, blond hair, pale white skin, finely shaped eyebrows, a very feminine face … but my eyes. Oh, my eyes. They were so vacant, so incomplete. Hollowed out holes in my head. And as I looked into my own eyes, I could see everything. The truth, the past, the miracle that I had held so close, but then had slipped from my grasp, as sand slips through the fingers of time.

I closed my eyes, but the image refused to escape from my eyes. The image of a face which had been mine. And of a face … that I would never see again.

And then, another vision. A face so close to mine, mere inches apart. Lips, parted in a kiss … of death.

Oh, Antoine. I had wondered at the time how I would ever live without him. Now, I know.

And so, as tears slipped through my tightly closed lids and into the pool, I began to remember. Thoughts I had long forgotten. Thoughts I had wanted to forget …

And I suddenly felt the urge to tell someone. Anyone. A secret that I had thought died long ago, I was now bringing to life once more.

And thus it came to pass that as Enrique began to toss my salad, I began to tell him of our search for the Lost Thong.

Antoine was the one who had first heard the legends.

“Jamie, Jamie!” he exclaimed one evening, as he sat in my lap, riding me as though I were a stallion.

I grunted. “What is it, Ani?” I asked impatiently, my mind completely blank as my pleasure began to wind tightly around me.

“I must tell you!” he exclaimed again, sounding incredibly excited. “I heard a rumor today. An absolutely delicious rumor!”

I groaned and put my arms around him, hugging him and pulling him back against my chest, my movements within his sweet, succulent body remaining fast and vigorous. “Is it about the orgy at Old Man Wilson’s house? Because if so, you know how I feel about orgies!”

Antoine giggled like a school girl. “No, Silly! It’s like this. There’s this thong. They call it the Lost Thong, because no one has ever worn it and lived! Well, one person did, but she was the one that put a curse on it in the first place! And then she buried it deep in the ground, so that no one would ever find it. And no one ever did! Well, at least no one who’s lived to tell the tale.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, on the verge of orgasm.

“Because … I WANT THAT THONG!”

Wailing like a baby, he leapt up from my lap and ran to the other side of the room, huddling in a corner. But it was too late for me, and I came on my new sheet.

“Dammit, Antoine!” I roared, “Look what you’ve made me do now! These sheets cost me $200 per thread, and they’re 500 thread count!” After having met Antoine two years before, I had one an anti-discrimination lawsuit against a company that had refused to hire me. Of course, their reasons were the fact that I had no qualifications, not the fact that I was homosexual. But I can turn the waterworks on and off at will, and the jury of my peers believed me, and granted me $400 million dollars, making me a very rich man. So rich that I could, in fact, order $100,000 sheets! But not so rich that I could afford to get jizz stains on them!

Antoine was sobbing quietly now. “D-don’t be mad,” he sniffled, “I just … I just want you to buy the Lost Thong for me, that’s all. But I guess if you don’t believe in the legend … and you don’t love me anymore … then I just guess that you won’t!” He let out a loud sobbed, and collapsed face first onto the floor.

“Shh, shh,” I said, rushing over to him and wrapping my own naked body around his, comforting him in my embrace. “Don’t cry, my lovely Antoine.” I placed a soft kiss on his beloved brow. “You know I love you. And I’ll get you the thong. I just don’t want for you to withhold sex until you get it, because it might take awhile, after all, if no one’s ever successfully retrieved it before!”

Antoine looked up, with his trademark innocent naivete in his eyes. “Withhold sex?” he asked as though he could never have thought of such a thing, “I would never do that!” He launched himself at me, and began kissing my face, my neck, my chest. “Oh, Jamie, I love you so much!”

And we embraced again, and I pinned him to the floor, grinning. When you give, you shall receive!

Even now, though, sometimes I wonder if things could have been different. If I had acted the role of the stern father, and said, “No, Antoine. Not now.” Would he still be alive today?

Perhaps we’ll never know.

It was two months later that we gathered a party to go searching for the thong, deep in the caverns of the ancient land of Thongolia. We hacked our way, with phallic shaped machetes, through the undergrowth in the jungle that hid the cave. And finally, we found it.

It wasn’t much of a cave. Just a giant hole in a big rock, or so it seemed.

But oh, the treasures that lay within!

We hadn’t traveled five feet into the cave when suddenly we had to shield our eyes from the bright light of gold and jewels, sparkling brilliantly even in the darkness!

We all ooohed and aaahed over this remarkable treasure.

Antoine, for his part, with the childlike sensibilities of a child, quickly grabbed all the gold and jewels and fanciful toys that he could carry, and stuffed them down his pants.

I chuckled. That wasn’t the ONLY thing that would be stuffed down his pants this evening.

As we traveled further and further through the cavern, the treasure surrounding us grew more sparkly, more glittery, more expensive. We grabbed handfuls of it, only to drop those when something even better came along in the next room. It was as though the greed had taken over our souls.

And so it had.

Finally, we reached the final room of the caverns. A large, dark, cavernous place, barely illuminated even by our high-tech, state of the art lanterns.

Gold, jewels, and gems spilled from Antoine’s pants as he hopped from one leg to another, excitedly, as a child might do. I was struck, once again, by how very much like a child he was.

“Let’s stay back,” I said, “I don’t want anyone getting hurt. We will approach the thong slowly—”

“No! I can’t wait!” cried Antoine, running past the rest of us, jewels and incredibly expensive trinkets leaving a trail on the ground behind him.

“Antoine!” I called out, and ran after him, not giving a thought to my own safety. In that moment, all I cared about was the safety of my beloved Antoine.

“I’ve found it! I’ve found it!” he exclaimed, brandishing the Lost Thong, the very same as had been mentioned by all the legends.

“Antoine, no!” I cried out as I stared at him, horrified.

The thong was, to say the least … HUGE! Honestly, that thing would have been far too big even for a whale, or an elephant! What was Antoine thinking …

His face distorted as he laughed. It was an evil laugh, and his face, in that instant, suddenly turned from angelic, to devilish.

“Finally, it’s mine! All mine! Do you know how long I’ve been searching for this thong, do you, Jamie? It’s said that the key to eternal youth and beauty lies within the thong! Oh yes, I can see it in your eyes. You’ve seen it to. My youth, my beauty … over the past two years, it has begun to fade. It kills me, every time I see your eyes wander over to another man … and I wonder. I wonder where you are at night when you stay out late and don’t call home! I wonder where you are when you say you’re going out with a friend, and then she calls and asks to speak to you. I wonder where you are when, late at night, you sneak out of our bed and into the garden. Oh yes, I know about that. I know about all of it. But once I put on this thong, my youth and beauty will be restored, and will be eternal! And then you shall fall in love and in lust with me all over again! I will not lose, Jamie! I will not lose you!”

And even as I watched in horror, I knew what he was saying was completely true. I had been unfaithful to my lover countless times in the past two years, beginning with the day after we met, when my ex came over to my house for tea and stayed for breakfast. But even though I shared my body with numerous others my heart was never divided. The entire thing had belonged, always, to my beloved Antoine.

But as he put a leg into each hole in the giant thong, and pulled it up, holding it in place so that it wouldn’t fall down. But then, something went terribly, terribly wrong.

In a single moment, the thong puffed itself up and was released from Antoine’s surprised grasp. It miraculously stayed in place while stretching itself out like an upside-down parachute.

Then, Antoine’s eyes began to bug out, and his face began to blow up, like a balloon—along with the rest of his body! He started screaming, looking frantically down at his growing body, and trying to move, but he couldn’t. He looked towards me, helplessly. I could only shake my head as the tears silently fell down my face. We both knew exactly what was going to happen, and how this was going to end.

He grew larger, and larger, until his bloated body filled out the thong perfectly. But he kept getting bigger and bigger, his body inflating past the thong until, looking to my eyes and whispering goodbye with a mouth that could barely move … he popped.

Skin, blood, and guts fell everywhere, mostly onto me. But I didn’t notice. I was too busy grieving over the loss of the only man I had ever loved.

After bowing my head in grief, I turned around, prepared to leave this horrible place, taking the giant, lost thong with me.

But, standing before me, were men wielding knives, guns, and swords.

“Nobody move,” one of them said, eyeing me. “You know the punishment for attempting to steal the thong, and the treasure from these caverns.”

I gulped, and, speechless, shook my head.

The man grinned. “Boys, prepare the chopping block!”