Professor Connie's Erotic Relationships:

Column #1 for September 29, 2002

Welcome, to all my dearly beloved fans, whom I love to call my “Fanily,” because it is a word that is a combination of the words “Fan” and “Family,” seeing as how my fans are like a family to me!

As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, it is great to be back, and so very wonderful that you all decided to show up and cheer me on for my return to the world of advice columnist, with my brand new column for Eroticambrosia, Erotic Relationships! I hope we will have a very wonderful time together, exploring the various erotic roads present within, around, above, below, and under relationships.

Now, enough chit chat, my dearly beloved fanily! Now, for what you’ve all been waiting for: The advice!

Dear Professor Connie,

I am an 18-year-old college student, who recently enrolled myself at a well known women’s college. My roommate and I sleep on bunk beds—she’s on the top bunk, I’m on the lower one. But recently I’ve been having some very disturbing dreams, in which my roommate and I take the bunk beds down, push them together to make one big bed, and then make love all through the night. I wake up to find myself sweating, moaning, and touching myself. It doesn’t help, either, that my roommate talks (and moans) in her sleep, and sometimes I hear her calling out her boyfriend’s name in what sounds to be sexual ecstasy, and I get incredibly jealous and want to hurt him severely. Please, Professor Connie, I’m so lost. What do I do? Should I confront her about my feelings, or should I just ignore them? Am I a lesbian, or just a lesbo wanna be? I’m just so confuzzled. Please help me, Professor Connie!

Sincerely,

Jeanette Robinson-Smythe

Dear Jeanette,

Oh my, I know how horrible it must feel, to lust after a person with whom you share a room, but not a bed. Especially when your feelings appear to be unrequited. But you know what it is that I always say: Honesty is the best policy. You must be honest with your roommate, and tell her how you feel. But try not to make her uncomfortable.

Approach her calmly, and say to her, “Jessica, I have recently been feeling lustful feelings towards you, especially in the middle of the night when I am dreaming. These feelings make me uncomfortable, and I am not sure of their cause. Would you like to explore this situation with me?” If you approach her calmly and attentively, and ask her to listen to what you have to say, then I am sure that she will be nodding in agreement with you and saying something such as, “I quite agree, Jeanette. I, too, have been having similar feelings; only, in my dreams, the two of us were having a threesome with my boyfriend, which is why I called out his name instead of yours in my sleep. But I really do understand exactly what you’re going through!” And then, the two of you will be able to hug and make up, and then possibly become even more than friends, either pushing your beds together, or by fulfilling her dream fantasy about having a threesome with both you and her boyfriend.

Whatever happens, my darling Jeanette, know that I am here for you, and you can always turn to me for advice, and I wish you all the luck in the world!

Love,

Professor Connie

Dear Professor Connie,

Hello. I’m rather nervous, because this is not only my first time writing to you, but also my first time ever writing to an advice columnist. In addition, this is also about my “first time” if you know what it is that I am saying to you, Professor Connie. You see, to put it lightly, I am a virgin. A 23 year old virgin. And recently, my girlfriend and I have been getting pretty serious, and have made it all the way to first base. But after that, I have no idea what to do! So, since this is a column about “erotic” relationships, I was wondering if you could tell me what exactly will happen during my first time? My girlfriend’s 14, so it will be her first time to, or so she says, although I heard that she’d actually already done it with about ten different guys, but I trust her because I love her very much and she loves me. But could you please tell me what to expect from my first encounter with a person of the feminine sex? Thanks!

Signed,

A Virgin No More

Dear Virgin,

Well, I am assuming here that you want me to get technical. Well, I am sure that there are many resources out there on the internet where they could describe to you exactly what happens during sexual intercourse between a man and a woman! However, out of all those resources, you chose to come to me. I am, truly, touched! And I know that you too will soon be “touched” by your girlfriend. Although I must warn you, I do not promote and/or endorse child molestation of pedophilia in any way, and if your girlfriend is only 14, it would probably be best for her to either wait a few years, until she is either 15 or 16 before having sex with you, or to have sex with someone her own age first, so that she would not lose her virginity in a manner which may or may not be illegal, depending upon the state in which not only your home but your place of residence is located.

Now, for the technical part. I could “get medical” on you, describing exactly what happens to the body during intercourse, but personally, I find it rather, shall we say, cold. In the medical sense. So instead, I shall describe it using emotion, and simple layperson’s terms, which of course, means the terms that a person uses when said person gets laid.

First, one usually begins the process or sexual intercourse with a simple kiss on the mouth, unless of course one is a prostitute and does not believe in such things. Next, one deepens the kiss, with the use of the tongue—this technique/maneuver is known as a “French kiss,” in which you place your tongue inside your lover’s mouth, or vice versa. Try taking turns, and see what happens! Next, off come the clothes! You should, however, leave on minimal underwear, but be sure to remove her bra—and ask her before hand to wear a front-hook, as those are much easier to undo and will not make you look like so much of an ass that you can’t even unhook a simple bra. And whatever you do, don’t snap the snaps! It is painful, and women hate that, and your girlfriend will start to cry and will proceed to slap you silly, and you will end up as a virgin still.

Next, move your mouth to her neck, and kiss her there. Then, move your mouth down to her breasts, and kiss her there. Then … you get the idea. All the way down to her thong. Don’t take it off just yet, though; just kind of shove it aside, and use your tongue as you are about to, in a few short minutes, use your “Little Man.” Also, make sure to lick her clitoris, or grab it in between her teeth. If you don’t know what that is, then look it up! Trust me, it’s right there, you can’t miss it. And if you do, then you deserve to be a virgin for the rest of your life, I am most certainly not sorry, or perhaps I am sorry, to say!

After you have pleased her this way—and make sure that she is pleased, you can tell from her moans and if you are really unsure, you can always ask, although asking might ruin the mood. Then, pull off her thong with your teeth. I don’t know why, but women seem to enjoy this quite a bit! They find it incredibly sexy, although personally I just find it confusing and rather violating; I don’t’ want anyone’s teeth on my thong but my own, and then only when I’m doing laundry and they have no brown stains on them!

But anywho, as I was saying, once her thong is gone, kiss your way up her body again and discreetly remove your own thong. Then, place your “Little Man” at the entrance to her “Little Woman,” and let your instinct take over from there.

Now, the most important tip I can give you for all of this: Relax. Sex is not that big of a deal. Billions of people do it, everyday. Which is not to say that there are billions of people out there who are having sex every single day—it’s just that, every day, there are billions of people having sex. And most people, believe it or not, have had more than one partner—sometimes upwards of a hundred! But these people are not sluts. They are just different from people like you. Sexier, and smarter, unless they are disease-ridden, in which they are not smarter, only sexier.

But don’t worry about it. After the first time, sex only gets easier, better, more fun, and longer—since I can assure you, you will last for about all of ten seconds the first time that you two “do it!”

But however you perform the first time, and whether or not your girlfriend dumps you the next morning, or vice versa, remember that I will always be there for you, in case you ever need any practice, or any advice. Good luck with all your sexual and erotic endeavors, my dearly beloved virginal fan!

Love,

Professor Connie

Well, that’s it for today’s column! But remember: If you are ever in trouble, or ever in doubt, or ever in need of advice, there is only one person whom you need to contact. No, not Carolyn Hax, unless you are planning to contact her through hate mail. I’m talking about myself, about Professor Connie. I am a beacon of light in a dark and sad world. I will guide you to your destiny, and help you to maintain your individuality while conforming to the standards of my nonconformist advice.

Until next time, remember, you are a member of my dearly beloved fanily, and I love you all!

Love,

Professor Connie