Best of Professor Connie:

Not a Lesbian

Dear Professor Connie:

I need advice, and I didn't know what to do until I saw an add for your advice column in the paper that made me realize that I must seek help, albeit anonymously. My problem, gentle lady, is this; three months ago, my husband of nearly 20 years (our 20th anniversary would have been June 20th of this year) left me abruptly for another man. I had not foreseen this in any way; our sex life had continued to be wonderful throughout our marriage, and there had never been any indication that my husband was attracted to other men. Even now, after the fact, as I look upon recent events in our marriage, I am STILL unable to see any evidence of his sexuality! My question to you is this; did I do anything wrong? Did I somehow, over the years, turn him gay? I do not see how he could have simply left me, and our two daughters, ages 18 and 15, for another man, who he apparently met at work less than a year before he left me! Neither of us has yet filed for divorce, and so we are still legally married … but I don't know what to do! Should I keep up my hope that he will eventually see the light and come back to me? Or should I start divorce proceedings, and accept that this is the end of our relationship as husband and wife? I still love my husband, and would gladly take him back if he asked it of me. But I want to do the best thing for the children, most of all, and this situation has hurt them as deeply as it has me. Please respond with all due haste,

Not A Lesbian

Dear Not A Lesbian,

First of all, accept in your heart that you did NOT turn your husband gay! It doesn't work like that! Either he has been gay from the beginning, and simply never realized it, or he is bisexual, and his preference has changed due to this man whom he met. I noticed that you didn't talk about this man. Your problem could be that your husband had fallen out of love with you because of some rocky times in your marriage, and then met this man and fell in love. If this is the case, there is nothing you can do to "win him back." I recommend that you talk the situation over with him, and attempt to remain friends, for your own sakes as well as those of your children. Almost nothing scars a child more than watching her parents go through a messy divorce, and that would ruin your relationship with your husband, as well. Talk things over with him, ask him to his face why he did what he did, instead of worrying over it. Also, get to know the man for whom he left you. Chances are, you will find that you, too, like this man considerably, despite the fact that you feel resentment towards him for taking away your husband. You do, however, already have something in common—both of you dearly love your husband. After talking with your husband and the new man in his life, you will be able to discuss options with them, to see what is best for the three of you, and for your two children. Divorce or legal separation are both valid options, but my best advice to you is to discuss these options with your husband, the other man, and your children, and decide if one of these, or something else, is the best option for you to take at this time.

Love,

Professor Connie

Now, sometimes, after I had given advice, a few months later, the person to whom I had given advice would write me an email or a letter to thank me. This is the letter that I got from the person in this situation:

Dear Professor Connie,

Wow!

You may not remember me, but I was one of those to whom you responded in your very first column, I signed myself as Not a Lesbian, if you remember. As you request of all those to whom you give advice, you would like me to send you a follow up to what happened after you gave said advice. I just want to say: Thank you very, very much!

As you can probably tell from my manner and tone, your advice turned out beautifully! After I read your column, I immediately knew that I had to do just as you suggested. I phoned my husband up, and told him that the three of us, him, myself, and his gay lover, must sit down and have a very adult talk about the options we were to take in this delicate situation.

And I must say, it worked like a charm! It turned out that I did, indeed, like my husband's new lover very much, despite the resentment that I still felt towards him. And it turns out that he's not strictly gay, but bisexual! After we worked out all the harrowing details—we eventually decided that the three of us would live together, and raise our two daughters, one of whom will, sadly, be leaving us to go to college in the fall—we had an absolutely MARVELOUS threesome, that I must say was the best sex I've ever had in my entire life!

We began living like this very soon afterwards, and our lives are so happy and brilliant now, it is amazing. The three of us get along very well together—especially in the bedroom—and my daughters have come to dearly love their new "stepdad" as they call him.

I've never been happier in my entire life, and I owe it all to YOU, Professor Connie!

Remember, any time you'd like to stop by our house, the bedroom door/window is always open for you, Professor Connie!

Thank you so very very very much!

Love,

Still Not a Lesbian

Dear Still not a Lesbian:

I am truly happy for you, darling! I love to hear from those whom I have advised, especially if my advice has done some good for them! Things in life never do turn out as it seems they will, do they?

Know that I am glad for you, darling, and that I wish you all the good luck in the world in the future! Unfortunately, with my busy schedule, I doubt that I will be able to stop by to join in your celebration of your new life together, but remember that I am always there in spirit!

Love,

Professor Connie