Best of Professor Connie

Little Old Lady

Dear Professor Connie,

I am an older, elderly woman, of 93 years of age. My friends call me a "craddle robber" because my husband of the past six years is 27. I love my husband very dearly, and I believe that he returns that love as well, but, he has, how shall I say, a "roving eye for the ladies." He is a very virile young man, and I am not sure if I am woman enough to maintain his intrest "in the sack" as it were. Being a well-respected cosmetologist, are there any products or services, or any other advice, that you might recommend that would allow me to become more attractive so that I may keep my husband from "straying from the fold," as it were?

Signed,

Little Old Lady With Buttloads of Money to Burn

Dear Little Old Lady,

My, my, my! That does sound like a dilemma! But, I must confess my dear, that I am ashamed to say that I was very pleased by this particular question. You see, in my life as an advice columnist, I usually receive letters asking for simply advice. You, however, my dear little old lady, asked me for professional cosmetolgistical advice, which I must admit, pleased me greatly! I do so love combining my work, you know. It brings me such joy to give not just advice, but advice on cosmetology! It is really quite astounding, I assure you, the effect your letter had on me. I was, I am quite willing to admit, in tears.

But on to the advice. Men are notorious for having that "wandering eye," as you call it. However, that does not necessarily mean that he will be unfaithful to you! Although adultery rates do tend to be quite high in some areas of the country/world, whether or not a man strays from his wife is based more on his own personality and character than upon anything else. You need to sit down and have a long chat with him, over tea, perhaps, and talk about your problems. It is obvious that you are jealous of the others to whom he might give his attention. I assure you, it is perfectly natural to feel that way, especially when you love someone as much as you do him. So talk it out, and listen to what he says, Chances are, he has absolutely no idea that you are uncomfortable with this aspect of his nature! I know that he will reassure you to the best of his ability of his love for you, and you will find yourself with extra attentions for the next frew weeks/months, because he will want to show to you just how much you mean to him. Be prepared for some extremely hot, steamy sex in the coming months!

Now, here is my favorite part: the cosmetology! Unfortunately, you did not provide a picture of yourself, so I am unable to give specific details of things that you can do to maximize the beauty of your appearance (please do send me a picture soon, I can give you specific details then!). But for now, let me give you some general age-defying tips:

• Facials are a MUST when you reach a certain age, although if you have the money it is good to start them as soon as possible into adolescence. I would recommend, depending on the sensitivity of your skin and which facility attends to your cosmetology needs (some of them have different specific procedures for things such as this, as well as different price ranges!) that you get a facial done from about once a week to once a month.
• Also, if you have blemishes or other inperfections, or if your skin tends to sag, cosmetic surgery is a viable option to enhance the beauty o f your features, although I do not personally know that much on this subject; I am a cosmetologist, NOT a cosmetic surgeon.
• The make-up that you use is also of the utmost importance. I do not favor any specific brand; however, there are certain things that I would recommend for a woman of your tender years. Anti-aging creams and serums are very beneficial for your skin. Especially focus on products for the under-eye area, as this is one of the most important areas of the face that can make or break your attractiveness! Also, make sure you have a strict daily regimen, including lots of Vitamin E (which you place directly onto the skin because it revitalizes it), and keep to this daily regimen with all your power!
• When you use makeup, be sure that you don't miss anything. Remember, it goes foundation, concealer, powder. However, I have found that three-in-one's and/or the foundation sticks that many companies are now manufacturing do as good a job if not better in one third of the time! It all depends on your own personal budget—in both time and money. I would recommend that you go to your place of make-up purchasing and find a nice young lady at the counter to help you find what make-up is most flattering to your face shape and complexion. I cannot do this since I do not know what you look like, but any nice young cosmetologist will be able to help you out in no time picking the shades of foundation, powder, lipstick, lipliner, blusher, eyeliner, mascara, and any other beauty needs you might have.
• Now for the hair (my personal favorite!) I would recommend that you come down to the Yorktown Academy Beauty School to let me personally style your hair; however, I doubt that either of us could find the time in our busy schedules to do this! So you must content yourself with going to your local beauty parlor and see if she has some sample wigs, so that you can see how various different styles, cuts and colors look with your face shape and bone structure. Ask her for more advice and/or details.
• And don't forget all that stuff below the neck, either! A fun thing to do that also helps keep your body in a sexy shape is to gather your girlfriends for a monthly girls-night-out treat at a spa, or even an entire day at a spa! And one thing my own girlfriends and I do is to have, twice a year, and entire WEEK just lounging around at a spa! It does wonders for the health and body and attractiveness, if I do say so myself, and I DO say so myself! I would also recommend that you go to the spa by yourself at least once a week, for a nice massage, and whatever other amenities they might offer to keep your entire body at the peak of attractiveness.
• Now, last, but certainly not least, CLOTHING! Everyone knows that the clothes do indeed make the woman! To keep your husband's eyes trained on your sexy figure, and not that of the young blond with the over-large bosom standing next to you, I recommend that you go consult a fashion consultant, who will be able to help you pick out the most flattering styles and colors for your figure, that will make your husband's eyeballs come flying right out of their sockets and into the curviest parts of your person! It is a personal guarantee that the right clothes can make him your love slave, and he will do anything you wish!

PS don't forget to tell me how everything turns out with this husband of yours, and also to send me a picture of yourself so that I might be able to see what you look like, darling, and give you my own personal recommendation! And don't leave out the details of the sex! That's the best part, no matter what your "preference"!

Follow Up to this column:

Dear Professor Connie: THANK YOU SO MUCH! After taking all your advice, and doing all the things you said, and spending several hundred thousand dollars on cosmetic surgery, spa treatments, facials, makeup, and an entirely new wardrobe, I am much sexier, and a much more lovely woman, if I do say so myself! And I have you to thank, Professor Connie! You truly are a wonderful woman!

I sent my husband off to visit with his sister, his aunt, his niece, and his two female cousins for a few months, since he hadn’t seen them in awhile and was very eager to reacquaint himself with them, in a family environment. So, during this opportunity, I set upon my new method of beautifying myself!

The cosmetic surgery came first; after I had recovered, I looked a good 1-2 years younger, and was amazed by my youthful radiance and appearance! Next, I went to my hairstylist, and she gave me a cut, dye, and blow job, excuse me, I mean blow-dry job, that did wonders for me, and skimmed off several more years. After that, I saw to the clothing and the makeup.

Then, I began the facial and spa treatments, and watched the years melt away as though the past several decades through which I have lived have never even existed, at least not for my face and body! It was a miracle, Professor Connie, an absolute miracle!

Finally, the night came when my husband came home from his trip, exhausted from all the long nights of reminiscing with his beloved family. As soon as he walked in the door, he did a double take, and then stared at me, as though he couldn’t believe what he was seeing! Trust me, I looked incredibly sexy, so sexy that we made love all night long, and then when we woke up the next morning we did it three times before breakfast! Suffice it to say, we were very hungry that morning, if you know what I mean!

Now, my sex life is wonderful, and my husband comes home every night, and no longer needs to take Viagra before we make love (he had a medical problem for which he needed to take it, not impotence or my unattractiveness, but now that I am incredibly attractive, his medical problem has suddenly gone away, luckily for me!), and we are blissfully happy.

And don’t think that I haven’t remembered you in my will! You will be greatly compensated for all the wonderful help that you have given to me, and to others over the years in your wonderful column. Thank you, Professor Connie! I’m sure that I speak for all of your many fans when I say, “I love you, Professor Connie!”

Love,

No Longer Little, No Longer Old, and No Longer a Lady (between the sheets, that is!)

Dear No Longer a Lady,

My, my! How wonderful it is, to hear that my advice has once again helped someone! And by the look of these “before” and “After” photos, I must say, you are quite a beautiful young woman in the “After” photos! How marvelous for you! And I hope you know that I wish you every happiness in the world, darling! So never hesitate to ask me for any more advice, should you need it!

And as for the compensation … as all loyal fans of mine should know, I don’t write my column and/or give advice for the money! I do it because in doing so I am able to help people to better their own lives, and, perhaps, to become a little more like me. And when my advice pays off, and my hunches and instinct are right, then that is the best monetary gift I could ever think of (although donations are appreciated, and accepted gracefully, of course).

Love,

Professor Connie

Before:

After: