Best of Professor Connie

June Bug

Dear Professor Connie:

I have a rather, well, indelicate problem, I guess you could call it. My flat bosoms will not grow. I have tried everything, from those things you rub on, to those pills that you pop in your mouth (which I must say give you a whole nice big buzz!) to water bras and even silicone implants. And yet my bust is still flatter than the thinnest possible piece of paper that has ever existed in this universe! I fear that men will never ever look at me, with boobies as small as these ones that I 'carry,' if one can even call it that, upon my chest. Since you are a cosmetologist, who also dispenses with advice, I decided that surely you must know some ways for me to "bust up my bustline," as it were. Please help, Professor Connie, you're my last hope!

Love,

June Bug Age 9

Denver, Colorado

Dear June Bug,

Every woman that I have ever known has been displeased with the size of the "melons" that rest upon her chest, in the form of breasts. Either they are too big, too small, to skinny, too plump, too round, too cone-shaped, too plastic, not plastic enough, etc., etc., etc. I could go on for literally DAYS with the complaints that have been given to me by my female customers, and some of my male customers, too! Why, even I, myself, an extremely beautiful and skilled cosmetologist, have had doubts at some point in life about my breasts, and felt self-conscious.

Especially when you are a young person, your breasts deserve the utmost attention and care—and, no, NOT just when you are in the process of "doing it" as young persons call it today. But at your age, my dear, you need not worry about your bust size. It will increase naturally as you go through puberty, have no fear, my darling little doll. If, however, you still have apples instead of oranges when you are 16, I would say that the time has then come to look into your options. You, darling, however, need not apply for silicone treatment just yet!

Wait a few years. As you go through your "growth" spurt, more than just your height should be "growing." So take heart, and remember, size most certainly does NOT matter. It's not what you have, it's how you use it!

As a very good, wonderfully dear friend of mine, who also happened to be extremely flat and yet at the same time horrendously popular among the male members of the population, once said, "Altitude may get you far in life, but Attitude will get you even farther, faster." Keep that in mind, darling. And know that I wish you good luck with your development processes. Don't forget to write back, and soon!

Love,

Professor Connie

Follow Up to this Column:

Dear Professor Connie,

This is June Bug—remember me? Well, I’m ten years old now, and I just want to thank you for your wonderful advice, that helped me out greatly in my time of need.

After reading your advice, I decided to stop worrying about the size of my breasts, and to just let me be me. And that strategy worked like a charm! I soon began dressing like Britney Spears, wearing really skimpy clothes that showed off all parts of my body, including my tiny breasts. And now boys are crawling all over me! My new boyfriend is twenty three, and he’s really hot and all my friends are so jealous of my! Especially my friends with the big boobs, who don’t understand how I could ever get a guy like that! But I did it! I got him, and now he’s mine, all mine! And I love him so much, and we did the nasty and it was really good.

So thank you, Professor Connie! My boobs may be small, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun without ‘em!

Love,

June Bug