Timothy the 22-year-old Virgin
Dear Professor Connie:
I am a 22 year old virgin who has many seemingly endless romantic problems. You see, when one gets to be this age and is yet still a virgin, it causes problems with the women that one would like to date. I have had no relationships that have lasted longer than 3 months, and I believe this is because I do not wish to have sex with these fine ladies. In fact, I have done no more than kiss any woman! Please tell me what to do so that I may retain my virginity, and yet allow my relationships to fluorish like the fauna of the rainforest does when it goes for several weeks being unbulldozed.
Timothy, the 22 year old virgin
Dear Timothy,
This is a very complicated issue that you have brought up. I do not believe that I have ever met a twenty-two year old virgin before! So, in a way, this is, pardon the pun, a "first" for me, as well!
After the teenage years, which, for some, are years of experimentation and innocence, more mature dating patterns develop, in college and afterwards, in the real world. These dating patterns often include what is known as "sexual intercourse," which shall not be defined here ( go to Dictionary.com if you would like to see the full definition). In fact, I recently read in a semi-popular women's magazine that targets the age group of 18-35, that, in a poll, most of the women (over 50%, that is!) said that they would sleep with a man after the first or second date! I find that to be much to soon, but it is in perfect conclusion with a poll that myself and my colleagues have conducted among participating and anonymous customers of ours.
The results of this poll that my colleagues and I conducted were this:
Please note, dear Timothy, that these are only the results of a very informal poll of those who come to myself and my colleagues for cosmetological purposes. Also, these are just the results of the heterosexual women, the kind whose opinions are relevent to you.
These results, though they may seem surprising, are the reason that your love life might be so … how shall we say … dismal. Most women want one thing: sex! And since you cannot give it to them, they leave you.
What you need to do is find one of the ten percent who believe what you do, that you should wait until marriage, or at least longer than three months, before "doing it." To do this, I would recommend that you be very upfront about your virginity. Do not string along this girl by making her think that you will soon sleep with her. Tell her, on your first date, if it seems as though you are both attracted to each other, that you are a virgin, and will not just jump into bed with her. She may be angry and not go on a second date with you, but at least you know in advance and will not have your heart broken by her later on. Consider this, if you will, a "weeding out" process, in which you "weed out" the unsuitable candidates who want you to give more than you are prepared to. By doing this, you will eventually be able to find one of the ten percent that you are looking for, and you will be able to begin a relationship with her.
Please do not forget to tell me how it all works out, darling!
Love,
Professor Connie
Dear Professor Connie,
Hi, it’s me again, Timothy the 22 year old virgin. Well, actually, I’m 23 now, and, guess what, I’m no longer a virgin!
I did what you said, and was very up front about my virginity. I finally found a wonderful woman who didn’t mind, because she was also a virgin. She’s 16 now, but we plan to move in together when she turns 17, and then marry on her 18th birthday. And we have you to thank for this!
Thank you, Professor Connie, your advice allowed me to meet the woman of my dreams, my future wife!
Signed,
Timothy, the 23 year old sexually experience person
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