Professor Connie Presents

Really Bad Pickup Lines #1

Hello, this is Professor Connie! I’m here today to tell you some pickup lines that are VERY bad, and you should not even poke at them with a 10 foot long stick, unless you wish to never get laid again for the entirety of your life!

These pickup lines each have various problems. Some are much too cliché, others make you want to groan and/or shake your head, and some just make you shudder. The one thing that they ALL have in common is that they are HORRIBLY LAME, and WILL NOT WORK!!

So, men, if you ever use a pickup line such as one of these, I pity you. And ladies, if a man ever says one of these lines to you … run. Run like the wind. Run as fast as you can! Because you do NOT want to be stuck with a man like that!

Without further ado, I give you some VERY bad pickup lines, and the reasons why I find them so horrible.

Pickup Line: Do you know the difference between a hamburger and oral sex? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

Reason it’s so bad: Honestly, fellas! This is simply an insult to a lady’s intelligence! Of course, in between the lady would say “no,” assuming that it was a joke of some sort. However, shortly afterwards, when she heard the punchline, she would be sorely disappointed! It’s not at ALL funny—this horrible thing makes you shudder with disgust while clutching your heaving stomach while grimacing while groaning, all at the same time! It is to be avoided at all costs. Trust me on this.

Pickup Line: If beauty were a drop of milk, you’d be the cow.

Reason it’s so bad: In theory this one sounds good. It’s not too cliché, and has a bit of originality to it. However, the method of operation is just horrible. Here’s a hint, men: NEVER, and I mean this literally, NEVER EVER liken a woman to a cow! For centuries, unattractive women were cows. And if you’re trying to convince her of her beauty, likening her to a cow is the LAST thing you want to do, because it conveys the complete opposite impression, which entirely defeats the purpose of this pickup line! So don’t use it. And that’s my final answer!!

Pickup Line: My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

Reason it’s so bad: Like the last one, the sentiment is nice, but the mo is just completely wrong for the situation. I mean, comparing love to diarrhea. I’m sure we’ve all done it at some point (it’s wet, and runny, and comes at the worst times, and is as painful as it is pleasurable), however, to pick up someone that you have never met before, except in some sleazy gay bar, is simply NOT a good idea! After all, diarrhea is considered by most people to be a purely DISGUSTING habit! And not one they want to think about. If you use this line, be warned: you won’t get the girl, and for ever after she’ll laugh about you with her friends, calling you the “diarrhea boy.”

Pickup Line: Well, I’m here, what were your other two wishes?

Reason it’s so bad: This one is likely to get a drink poured over your head, in order to douse your incredibly large ego.

Pickup Line: Want to try my Pina Colada in your margarita glass?

Reason it’s so bad: No real man drinks Pina Coladas. Trust me on this one!

Pickup Line: I would rather be lucky than good, you never have to practice being lucky.

Reason it’s so bad: First of all, what the hell is this man even talking about, anyway? Why would you be talking to a woman about the differences between “lucky” and “good,” unless you wanted to put her to sleep so that you could carry her up to your room and have some fun, in a necrophilia kind of way? And furthermore, this shows several bad qualities about the man that says it! For one thing, he’s lazy, since the only reason he’d rather be lucky is because you don’t have to practice at it. And secondly, what kind of morals is it for someone to rather be a lucky person as opposed to a good person? That’s not the kind of person I would want to date/sleep with/marry! Would you?

Pickup Line: Let’s play a game of love. If you win, you’re mine. Otherwise, I’m yours.

Reason it’s so bad: The two choices are OBVIOUSLY the same thing! Well, except, perhaps, to a sexual dominatrix. But that’s not the point! This one just smacks of that sugary sweet smell of cliché and trying too hard. I just can’t stand it. If a man said this to me, I’d give him a good old slap upside the head, and hope it knocked some common sense into him!

Pickup Line: Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Reason it’s so bad: CLICHÉ ALERT, CLICHÉ ALERT!! Twisting the common phrase “is it just me?” around, this one just doesn’t work. Another one for the “obvious” files. People, people, when will you learn? The point of the pickup line is NOT to sound obvious, or at least to sound obvious in a clever or cute or pathetic kind of way, so that the girl doesn’t just get angry with you and stomp away! The next pickup lines I will review are going to be GOOD ones, that I particularly enjoy for various reasons, so that as opposed to just bad examples, you will have some good ones to go by! But before that, there is the absolute WORST pickup line that I have ever encountered so far! Prepare yourself to shudder and look away, my dearest friends.

Winner of today’s “So Bad It Hurts” Pickup Line Award: Would you sleep with me for a thousand bucks? ‘Cause I could really use the money.

Reason it’s “So Bad it Hurts”: Do I even need to explain this one? I mean, it starts off with you thinking that this man thinks you’re a prostitute … and then it turns out he’s just an egotistical bastard! The obvious response is, “Hell no, MAN WHORE, I’d never want to sleep with a dirty, infested, diseased prostitute like you, a gigolo who’s probably crawling with more STDs than there are places Osama bin Laden could be hiding!” This one … I just hate it so much, it’s hard for me to “explain” the reason it’s so bad … I mean, just look at it! It’s just BAD! HORRIBLE!! It makes me so mad and so angry, I want to kick whoever said that one IN THE BALLS! And we all know how much I abhor violence! So, ladies, if a man EVER says this to you, I advise you to IMMEDIATELY cause him severe physical damage, and then go straight home, so that you will not have to deal with any more bad pickup lines that will cause you to go insane, if this one wasn’t enough to do the job … which, I assure you, it certainly is! Oh, and men … if you ever use this line, I will personally hunt you down, and cause you great harm.

Well, that’s all the Pickup Lines I’ve reviewed for this time. They are not the last, however! There are many more where these came from (Some are just as bad, and even worse than some of these!) There are also mildly bad ones, of which you should be wary, yet that sometimes might work, under the right circumstances. And there are also some fabulous pickup lines, that I particularly love! I will especially love sharing these with all of you, my dearly beloved fans!

Love,

Professor Connie