April 2002

Visionary, revolutionary, vigilante - these descriptions all fit you well. You are thoroughly disgusted with society and humanity as a whole, and you have several rather diabolical plans to reshape it to fit your designs. You're probably a loner, and most people think you're crazy. That's just because they don't understand, though, and you'll show them someday anyway. Heh heh heh. You are known to become very passionate about many causes, have torrid love affairs, and be seen as a either a demagogue or a hero to the proletariat masses.

Be cool! Take the What Do You Want Out Of Life? Quiz

duh. like i needed an online quiz to tell me all that.

la llorona

La Llorona, the boogiewoman that Latin/Hispanic parents have been using to threaten their misbehaving children since time immemorial, now has her very own Got Milk commercial! darn cute, if you ask me.

freak

i just finished all of my monthly shaving, waxing, depilation and tweezing. it's times like this (e.g. spring/summer) that make me want to just upend an industrial-size bottle of Nair and smear it from head to toe-- or curl up in a corner and weep. this is so fucked up. men should have sideburns and "happy trails"; women should NOT.

do you ever go to the video store and find yourself so morbidly entangled in the lengthy, painfully worded reviews on the back of the video boxes that you fear your brain might suddenly become paralytic and you'll collapse in a quivering seizure on the floor and bite off your own tongue and blood will come out of your ears so you run screaming out of the store? no, me neither. but i still found Four Word Film Reviews to be helpful.

not surprisingly, the brilliant Koyaanisqatsi is simply remembered with "No dialogue. Pretty. Dull." and "Can anyone pronounce this?"

Requiem For a Dream: "My life seems better!" Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels: "Irritating after millionth viewing." Lord of the Rings: "Evil jewellery attempts takeover." and perhaps the greatest movie review ever, unseemingly wasted on Mission to Mars: "What in the hell?!"

get yer paws off me, you damn dirty cats!

ahhh!! cats dressed up! how creepy is this? notice they have poodles on leashes. for some reason, i find that worth noting.

actually, it all looks very much like something my grandmother would've had in her house-- that woman's bad taste was legendary. (where do you think i got it from?)

amendment

okay, i'm through dogging my site. now that i look at it, it doesn't suck really. how can i be so down on my abilities when i'm the #1 query for "cardigan fetish"? i don't think i've ever been #1 for anything. rock on! and welcome crazy UK cardigan fetishers!

kthxbi.com-- either you get it or you don't. i used to read Resha when she had a page called Talkin Shit. her new project reminds me of a cross between The Day Today (anyone remember The Day Today? damn, those were the days) and everything else you could possibly want a weblog to be. get over there.

quote mania-- again!

she's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
she's so high, high above me.
--Tal Bachman

Ha ha, rubbish. You have no power here! Now be gone before somebody drops a house on you too.
--Glinda, the Good Witch of the North

'nuff said.

go pig go

i should have known that a bunch of fuckwits in Atlanta would be the first to snap up those stupid electric scooters. Atlanta being one of the most un-pedestrian-friendly cities i've ever had the displeasure to know, i'm sure they're in for a ton o' fun.

and speaking of tons o' fun, check out those pics of the cops taking a spin. hahaha, come and get me Atlanta Police!! whoo hoo, i smell bacon!!

"It will also have to hold up along unforgiving roads. This may be especially true in Atlanta where potholes sometimes go unfilled for several months."

believe me, the potholes are the least of their problems.

for some odd reason (probably because i wasn't there), i can't help but find this kind of funny. however, it isn't as funny as Rate My Implants Dot Com. ($5500?!? girl, go back and get your change!)

"if she invites you in, go in and be nice to any people or animals that live there."

every now and then, you come across undeniable evidence that there are actually some people out there who are much, much worse off than you will ever be.

boring as hell post about my lame day off

i had some sort of half-assed plan to get up early and spend the day at my favorite store. instead, i rediscovered the joy of sitting on my ass for extended periods, and if i may quote Peter from Office Space, "it was everything i thought it could be."

still, i did manage to pay a visit to the new supermarket in Falmouth. i love visiting brand new supermarkets-- polished, unsoiled floors; state-of-the-art seafood counters; everything in order; employees, at least for the time being, pretending to give a crap. i bought a baby pineapple (they're for the babies!) just because it was so darn cute. and that was it. having absorbed the sensuous novelty of this futuristic mecca of commerce to my full capacity, i went home. a part of me screamed, "it's not too late! we can still go to Bed Bath & Beyond! think of the melon ballers!" but no, that was not to be today.

just as i've always suspected-- you have to be pretty dim to fully appreciate Harry Potter.

according to this slightly over-the-top "road rage" test, i am 60% prone to road rage. i am "edgy":

You're up and down like a Yo-Yo - your driving depends upon your mood - which can be a dangerous thing. You're like Jekyll and Hyde; people who know you as the sweet person you are normally will be shocked if they ever catch you stuck at road works. If things are right in the world, you are calm and considerate and everyone is safe. If it's been a bad day however, and you're running late and hit some traffic - then you turn a little bit funny. It is a good thing you took this test - you may think you are rational and level headed, but your inner psyche reveals a dark, reckless side that must be kept in check if you want to reach old age.

heh-- perhaps it's not such a good idea that i keep that aluminum baseball bat stowed behind the passenger seat.

God is a kitty cat with really big eyes

His eyes are so big so that He can see everyone at the same time, dig?

do you wish to see God? sit back and enjoy.

aber-zombie & bitch

my $0.02 on those stupid-ass Abercrombie & Fitch shirts? well, i happen to find ALL of A&F's clothing pretty tasteless (what could be more disgusting than hordes of 13-year-olds running around in t-shirts that say "for rent hourly" and "we do it better in the water") and ugly as hell to boot. that said, there's no faster way to lose my hard-earned respect than to sport the ubiquitous A&F.

"logo" shirts are getting pretty old anyway. i've never bought a logo shirt unless it was vintage-- or hard to find (although i bought a whole bunch of those French Connection "fcuk fashion" and "solid gold fcuk" shirts to bring home for my friends when i was in London-- 'coz FCUK rocks).

bottom line, it gives me immense perverted satisfaction that A&F are in tuh-rouble :P

"a dry pussy is an unhappy pussy"

think of this as a Public Service Announcement: a thoroughly detailed guide to the art of cunnilingus (warning: contains shocking full-color footage of raw, uncensored "pussy"!).

best tip of all? "never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever."

meet me in the deserted parking lot, 2am sharp

Way Too Personal Dot Com-- Adventures in Internet Dating was created by a woman who ran a series of personal ads and kept a record of every perverted, inane, incoherent, or freak-on-a-leash response that came through, categorized and un-edited for your pleasure.

this guy sounds like a real keeper, but this one happens to be my favorite. and of course, those new to the English language are always good for a laugh.

in the news

today, strep throat; tomorrow, Randall Flagg: first large-scale outbreak of antibiotic-resistant streptococcus documented in Pittsburgh. LET THE AGE OF BACTERIA BEGIN.

No More Ally McSqueal-- a shame, really. no, really. it's all over now. LET THE AGE OF BACTERIA BEGIN.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are fighting over the $3 million mansion they purchased together and obviously did not have sex in.

LET THE AGE OF BACTERIA BEGIN. please.

freaky links to tweak you out

haha, Firda was disturbed by the Body Mouse.

and check out this guy's layout, particularly the top left corner. that's cool as shit, man.

today is no title day

"Glasses also promise the sexiness of the veiled. They make the eyes, just about the first thing you see when you look at someone, even more the center of someone's face. They have a way of emphasizing the wearer's persona, making it more alluring, promising the known while holding back. And in an encounter that's going to lead to sex, glasses hold the promise of the ultimate unveiling, the moment when lovers stand (or lie) revealed to each other."

it's all about the mystery. i'm an inquisitive person by nature; upon meeting *anybody*, the wheels begin to spin: what makes them tick? what are their secrets? what are their fears? would they let me tie them up? the more mysterious a person remains, the crazier it makes me. i love it.

4) I don't represent anyone but my SELF. It sounds like I represented something to you, or you wouldn't be so violent towards me. (Your dad perhaps?)

-- AN OPENED LETTUCE TO SODD RUNTLESTUNTLE. (from dr. winston o'boogie)

Rock Critic Complains About People Standing At Concerts-- fears excessive standing may cause large stick to slide out of his ass. and all that loud clapping and singing and dancing-- since when has going to concerts supposed to be FUN?

"'Twasn't always thus. I remember great shows back in New York in the '70s, at places like Carnegie Hall, the Academy of Music, and Avery Fisher Hall, where audiences actually sat and listened to music."

and who were you there to see? Jacqueline du Pre? yeah, sounds like a rockin' gig.

seriously, for a music critic, this guy doesn't seem to like music all that much.

i'll tell you why i stand up at concerts. (a)i'm short. (b)the seats usually suck. they're hard and cramped. (c)without fail, i am always sitting next to some guy who is about six feet squared, who doesn't realize or doesn't care that his elbow is resting in my lap. (c)it's exciting to see one of your favorite artists live on stage. (d)i'm usually rolling.

i'll admit that there are certain concerts where it's appropriate to conduct yourself in one way or the other; obviously, you wouldn't want to be standing on your seat during a clarinet solo at the Pops, or screaming and waving your arms while Jewel performs a deeply moving acoustic version of... something. nobody likes those drunk obnoxious people who bring laser pointers and generally fuck it up for everyone-- but i hate hate hate those people who come to shows and sit the entire time with their arms folded across their chests, looking as if it's almost painful for them to be there and giving dirty looks all night. there's always a few of them at every concert. i call them negative vibe merchants.

should history record President Bush as a stuttering retard? uh, yes.

those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it-- or at least make up their own nonsensical language to describe it.

taxachusetts

one of the great things about no longer living in Massachusetts is not having to file Mass. state income tax-- or, more specifically, not having to fill out the infamous 5.6% income form. for a state only roughly the size of the city and suburbs of Atlanta combined, the income tax form is the most complicated i've ever had to deal with. sure, it looks easy enough at first glance, but i guarantee you, once you get about as far as the "Mass. bank interest" things start to get hairy, and by page 2 (which feels more like page 52) you're most likely completely and permanenetly brain damaged.

and if you think the basic Form 1 is bad enough, you haven't seen the Part-Year Resident form, which i had to fill out last year. good God.

of course, anyone confused by these forms are instructed to refer to the instruction booklet. the instruction booklet is a joke and doesn't help anyone.

my sympathies go out to those residents of the Commonwealth today. above all else, remember to fill in the ovals completely. see example.

this is your arrest record on drugs

a.k.a. The Downward Spiral

hot amateur action!

did you miss out on Madonna's Drowned World Tour the first time around? ha ha! loser.

this site is offering some good quality, slightly shaky, but ridiculously short bootleg clips of the show. you could consider it a tiny taste of the massive privilege that was-- and is-- being within 100 feet of Madame M. or you could stop being such a goddamn cheapskate and buy the freakin DVD.

ghetto hardware mods from Afrotech-- and i quote: "what could possibly turn a woman on more than a man recklessly combing his hair with a once-priceless Pentium processor?"

in other news, my element is spirit. doesn't that make me the fifth element? do i now have free license to dye my hair bright orange and abandon my clothes for strategically placed surgical tape?

welcome to the Haxor Translator. fear its leet skillz.

i got asked out by a much older guy tonight. i was kind of taken aback, since i thought i had dropped out of the market for that type of thing at least several years ago, when i cut my hair and stopped wearing brown eyeliner. (seriously, what was up with the brown eyeliner? what was i thinking?) in any case, i wasn't expecting it.

he's a nice guy, and i've seen him around before-- but even if i wasn't involved already, i can scarcely imagine what we'd have in common. still, i listened with amusement as he told me how well his business is doing, how he sacks away at least a grand a week, just for a rainy day. etc. etc.

at one point, he asked me what perfume i was wearing. i told him it was Angel by Thierry Mugler. he said, "well that makes sense, because you are an angel!"

somebody, please rescue me now.

news flash: Soft drinks can be as addictive as cigarettes. and this just in: author of aforementioned article looks and sounds alarmingly similar to Ned Flanders.

nothing chaps my titties like the idea of a "sin tax". the concept is so flagrantly Puritanical, it merits a chuckle even as you're shelling out up to $10 to rent one porn flick. (for one night, i might add. ludicrous.)

it's my website and i'll get worked up if i want to

that's it-- one of my favorite tv shows is officially fucked.

...sources say HBO is mulling over the idea of writing SATC star Sarah Jessica Parker's real-life pregnancy into the show's storyline.

bring me the wastebasket, please. i want to barf now.

as if Miranda's little oops wasn't enough. (and even then, you had the comfort of knowing that she wasn't really pregnant-- just doing a nauseatingly realistic impression of it.) it looks like i'm just going to have to stop watching SATC, period. it's a shame, since i don't really watch that much tv anyway, but obviously, i'm the only person on the face of the planet who wants to watch a ridiculously unrealistic, completely indulgent show about madly successful, stylish women who don't feel the need to be simpering wives or mothers to validate their existence.

apparently too refreshing for cable? let's get that tv gal knocked up immediately; she couldn't possibly be completely happy unless she's barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. don't you know that, no matter how liberated or educated she may claim to be, this is what all women secretly desire?

if you've followed me this far, you might already have gleaned my point (or not). i thought tv was supposed to be fantasy. i watch tv shows to be entertained, not emotionally, socially manipulated. i can get enough of that bullshit in real life, thank you very much.

thank God for dvds.

concerning beans

this seems to be a suitable starting point for my black bean soup project; i like the idea of adding bacon. however, i tend to prefer my black bean soup a bit spicier than that, so i might actually dive right into the Brazilian Black Bean Soup. ai yi yi! (hold the rum, though, please!)

this all started with my particularly disappointing experience with a can of Progresso "Hearty Black Bean" last week. having enjoyed other varieties of Progresso in the past, i was psyched to sit down to a quiet dinner of my beloved frijoles negros with the ease and convenience afforded by a can from the supermarket. let me tell you, it was crap. absolutely inpalatable. i could have whipped up a mixture of pureed cardboard, dirt, ceiling plaster and porkfat and been just as gratified.

oh, but i tried. i tried seasoning the soup, adding shredded cheese, etc., to no avail. in the end i just cut my losses, dumped the remainder of this sludge into the sink and made myself a small salad. not the ending i hoped for on a chilly, lonely evening, but in the name of noble black beans across the globe, it was just wrong.

so, i guess the lesson here, and my e-pinion on this matter, would be AVOID AVOID AVOID Progresso "Hearty Black Bean" soup the next time you cruise down the canned soups aisle-- or take the law in your own hands, as i've resolved to do.

"maybe she's just becoming eccentric in her old age?"

funny story about Madonna that made me laugh. poor old girl, she tries so hard.

i should be doing my freakin taxes right now. but i am not; in fact i'm just sitting here staring at them. that's a bit further than i thought i'd get today-- i actually got as far as opening the w-2 forms and and laying them out on the table. that's a big step for me.

it's not like they're at all difficult to do; i use the 1040EZ form, for God's sake. it probably takes about ten minutes. but there's just something about filling numbers into little boxes that makes my brain completely clam up.

the other day, at work, the salesgirl from next door asked if i'd done my taxes yet; she had a question about her form. i told her i hadn't and as tradition goes, i probably won't have them done until 10pm april 15. she asked, "why not just get them done right away and get your refund earlier?" i replied that i hate doing them so much, it's almost worth it to get my refund later than sooner.

hard drive close-out! free bookmarks! everything must go!

to be disposed of: one large box of gently used bookmarks. fun, serviceable, educational. free to good home. take, enjoy.

INFJ Profile-- that's Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging to you.

Natural Selection and Quantitive Genetics of Life-History Traits in Western Women: A Twin Study. Conclusion: From an evolutionary standpoint, intelligent women are an endangered species.

The Lizard King and His Queen. All this time, we thought the long-suffering Pamela Courson was the love of Jim Morrison's life. Not so, argues Patricia Kennealy-Morrison, who claims to have married him in a Celtic handfasting ceremony. Why then, did Jim continuously return to Pam? Patricia's got an answer for that too. In fact, she's got a lot of answers for questions we never asked. Let it go, Patricia.

avant-garde art involving naked Barbie dolls and kitchen utensils

Tanya Zanetti-- Fetal Development Expert. "It's about time someone set those pro-aborts straight on the development of cute little babies in the womb and I intend to be the one to do it!

Gender Differences in Computer-Mediated Communication

Vinylsearcher Dot Com

thinking about growing your hair? GOD IS CONCERNED.

How to Write a Better Weblog. Depends on your definition of "better".

Carl Sagan's Baloney Detection Kit-- or "tools for testing arguments and detecting fallacious or fraudulent arguments"

Dismantlement Dot Org-- "the point of must return". a group of people concerned about population growth, deforestation, conserving resources, etc. and their solutions.

Tiny Mix Tapes Gone to Heaven. Indie music reviews.

i really don't know what to make of this.

more hilarity from the great state of Maine

what would you do if your bank accidentally deposited $377,750 into your account? i can think of several things-- an expedient transfer to an offshore jurisdiction springs to mind-- but i sure as hell wouldn't spend it on fucking Beanie Babies.

"please excuse Marion's parking violation. she has alhzeimer's disease and neuropathy. thank you."

apparently, in certain parts of Maine, a parking ticket can be waived if the recipient simply writes a letter of apology. as illustrated from these examples, they tend to run the gamut from simple, to long-winded and whiny, to charming (okay "girls", you're off the hook-- but watch those exclamation points in the future ;-)).

here we go, stop the press-- AMERICANS ARE RUDE. no shit, Sherlock. but the Nando Times says to give us a break-- we're sleepy.

i tend to concur that cell phones have gotten a bit out of control. but...

Bad service from sales staff drove 46 percent of respondents out of stores in the past year. Among those earning more than $75,000 a year, 57 percent had left a store because of the service, the study said. A common complaint was that salespeople acted as though the customer did not exist.

while i'll be the first to agree that slow service is certainly annoying, i wouldn't go so far as to lump it with "rude". it seems to me in that particular case, people are confusing plain indifference with rudeness. the two are not necessarily the same. indeed, when an American walks into a store, they're hard-wired to expect somebody-- anybody-- to come bounding up to them with an immediate "hi-sir/ma'am-how-are-you-today-can-i-help-you-find-anything-well-if-you-need-anything-let-me-know-my-name's-soandso" and to be bombarded at every corner with "are-you-finding-everything-alright-can-i-help-you-with-anything?"

in contrast, walk into a store in Britain or France, and you're lucky to get eye-contact and a smile-- and when you leave, you don't necessarily get a thank-you-come-back-again. is that rude? i don't think so-- it's simply a cultural difference. but many visiting Americans percieve it as rude, and come home with bitchy anecdotes about the unfriendly English and the snippy French and the indolent Spaniards who took for-fucking-ever to bring the check.

are Americans really so very "rude" to each other nowadays, or have we simply become a nation of hypersensitives?

like Menudo-- but with a higher turnover rate.

"once you spot the skulls, you won't be able to sleep at night"

check out this weird story about a creepy house in the middle of the woods, complete with "photographic phenomena". i never can see anything in these damn pictures, so if you can spot the "man in the doorway" or "girl with doll", i'd be interested in hearing your take on it. (i can just barely make out a "transparent figure" in the car crash photo.)

normal programming will resume shortly. i don't have much else to say at the moment, except to report that i'm still sick, spent most of the day horizontal and dosed up on antihistamines, and had to cancel our plans to go to the cinema tonight. blah.

EAT!

while searching the Web for interesting chicken recipes, i came across this page from The Real Man's Cookbook. be sure to pay close attention to the special instructions-- the eloquence is almost touching. they say that cooking is the most overrated art...

Top Secret Recipes on the Web: shut-ins with a penchant for Big Macs can now replicate that "Special Sauce" in the sanctity of their own kitchen! or if you're like me, and the Girl Scouts stopped knocking on your door some time ago because you insisted on asking if the cookies were "made from real Girl Scouts", you can make your own Thin Mints-- at 108 cookies per batch! talk about more bang for your buck.

the thing is, some of TSR's secrets are only available for a limited time online, so you have to keep checking back often for that elusive goodie. (dammit! i just want to know how to make those Red Lobster Cheese & Garlic Biscuits!)