The Smoking Gun's Fave (Non-Celebrity) Mugshots of the year. my personal fave is #6. hey there cutie ;-)

i can't believe they forgot the infamous 'nude jumping jacks' woman. Jesus Christ, reminds me of that pig-thing with the glowing eyes in The Amityville Horror.

must be the smile-- but something about this woman reminds me of my mom. actually it probably is my mom.

oh by the way-- happy New Year FUCKERS! hahahaha!

best. holiday. card. EVER.

I am in my room, waiting for my 11:00 group to show up for math. It is 11:09, I begin to wonder where they are. Then I remind myself that they are retarded, and stop wondering.

THE TARD BLOG-- the uncontested True Freaks Award for Best Blog of 2002. also scores bonus props for detailing the most elaborate suicide plot i've ever read.

and of course, as is the case with anything good or righteous or doGdamn hilarious or fun that has ever been posted on the 'Net, the freak-mail keeps rolling in:

"What you are doing is sick- very sick. You are exploiting children with developmental and psychological problems. SHame on you both. Tucker- you need to go get yourself a "small island" and live there. Take "Riti Sped" with you. You two can crack all the jokes you can think of, starve and die.

or, alternatively, people can stop cranking out "speshul Miracles from Gawd" or whatever and expecting the whole fucking world to always accept them, put up with them, integrate them or lower its standards to meet their pace.

"[Riti] I can't believe you have done this. Your brother forwarded me this, on accident I would assume. You could be barred from education if you are found out. I have been telling you to think before you speak for twenty some years, and suggest you start listening to me. This type of behavior is very unprofessional. Your Mother"

oh of course, barred from education forever. God forbid the general taxpaying public should glimpse a day in the life of the valiant, underpaid souls attempting to corral the defective DNA and excess chromosomes of the nation.

and before you hurry up and get offended, i'd like you to know that i spent a good deal of my early scholastic life in a Special Ed class myself-- precisely, BD (behavioral disorder), obstensibly for stabbing a fellow 2nd grader in the stomach with a fork.* i'll happily do the same to you if you don't shut your whiny cakehole.

*for the record, kid in question was not seriously hurt. in fact as we were waiting for our parents in the school office he kept apologizing to me for making me so upset. wtf.

So you want to be alone
Run and hide inside your home

Throw yourself to me
And I'll try to pull you free
Let me try to pull you free...

Christina Aguilera better KEEP HER FUCKING HANDS OFF MY WOMAN.

stupid canyon-twatted microwaved corpsebag. don't make me represent.

"You discover a culture which is extremely relaxed and liberal. In terms of sexuality, well, although gays are not quite on the streets and in the papers in the same way, you find the most forward-looking and easy partnerships - two men, even three men, bringing up children together, which is quite at odds with the idea that New Zealand is repressive, some version of Fifties Britain. And I suppose, now I'm back, if it's changed me it's made me think that labels are dangerous things because they limit. Even to call someone "gay" isn't enough. What I've learnt, partly because of the way liberation is done in NZ, is that saying "I'm gay" or "I'm straight" or "gay rights" is an awful simplification. There are degrees in all the possiblities for all sorts of relationships that are inhibited by old long-standing concepts of how society is organised.

[...]

"But currently, there's maybe less with politics. It's the problem with being happy. I'm currently a bit inward looking, concentrating on being happy myself rather than telling everyone how as a nation we should organise, and if i was on a march at the moment I would be saying to everyone.. be honest to each other. Admit there are limitless possibilities in relationships, and love as many people as you can in whatever way you want, and get rid of your inhibitions, and we'll all be happy - but how do you put that into legislation?"

Sir Ian McKellen in the UK Observer, via Bag End Inn, the queer-friendly LOTR site

i swear to God, i get like 9 10 Victoria's Secret catalogues a week. today i opened my mailbox and was deluged by no less than four different VS catalogues, every single one blaring SEMI-ANNUAL SALE. CLEARANCE. SAVE UP TO 70%. SALE. FOR GOD'S SAKE CHECK OUT OUR SEMI-ANNUAL SALE.

not that anyone around here is *really* complaining-- but people, let's think of the trees. we need them to breathe. a Second Skin Satin demi is not going to help you very much in a global oxygen crisis.

The government is mainly an expensive organization to regulate evildoers, and tax those who behave; government does little for fairly respectable people except annoy them.

--Edgar W. Howe, Notes For My Biographer

"In my day, all of this stuff would have been on fire." Frank, 57, anarchist.

you know what i thought of today? Eminem should get together with Pete Townshend and do a track called "Eminem Front". that would rock ass.

or Northern State could get all into Melanie C.'s shit. actually that's the worst idea i've ever come up with.

there's this new girl in our office. i'm not exactly sure what her function is yet. i think she's supposed to be "quality manager" or something like that. she's interesting to talk to but the problem is that she is a raging bitch. she is not a bitch to me in particular because i think she knows i can take her ass to school. (a real bitch never abuses her title.) it's more her attitude in general.

working around her is stressful. she stresses me out. today she somehow knocked over a glass vase of flowers on a table by the front door, and it broke. i dropped everything i was doing at the moment to help her clean it up, nicking my finger in the process, and not only did she not thank me, she freaked out on me. how so, it's kind of hard to describe-- ie she took out her frustration on me. she got crazy with me, as we say. i didn't appreciate that at all, but i didn't say anything.

she has to take, like, 20 cigarette breaks a day. it's her body and she can do to it what she likes but it bugs me to no end. and she putters. do you know what i mean? i cannot stand people who putter.

how depressing.

i have a fantasy where Ozzy Osbourne adopts me. i share a room with Kelly. at night i crawl out of my bed and into hers. she's happy to see me, like she's been waiting for me. she doesn't know anything about sex really and wants to get all romantic so i let her kiss me while i feel her up. Kelly sleeps with her makeup on. i tell her that's the sexiest fucking goddamn thing in the world. she is lovely and soft and fleshy. i tell her they make statues and paintings of bodies like hers.

she has a silky patch of dark blonde hair between her legs, not shaved. i show her that i am shaved bare. i go down on her and she loves it so i say, "Kelly, let me sit on your face." just then Jack comes in. "can i get in the bed too?" he asks. "no," i say, "but you can jerk off and watch. i don't care." after we all come i try to go to sleep but i feel lonely. i get up and go find Sharon in her bed with black satin sheets, asleep. "Mama, i need love," i say. "love me." she holds out her arms and i crawl into bed with her and we spoon and i feel safe. after a while i roll over and nuzzle my face in her bosom and we make love, tender sweet caressing love. then Minnie jumps up on the bed. but we don't have sex with her, that's sick! i tell Sharon i want to sleep in her bed for the rest of the night and she says it's fine and i can even watch TV. yay.

i want the Remastered Stanley Kubrick Collection, but it's like, $10,000. (ok-- $170.)

i think i would make an excellent retail clothing salesgirl-- in Rome.

it seems that Matt is once again at odds with Waitrose over his freaking eyebrow. he knows better than to take it out, lest i beat him up. i wrote him a typical lengthy, rambling e-mail for encouragement but then realized others in the same position might find my brand of advice useful-- so i decided to post the text here instead. hope you don't mind, Matt ;-)

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Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT take that piercing out. This is the goddamned 21st century and your managers and all the little old ladies are just gonna have to suck it up. You say you've never had a complaint from customers-- ride that motherfucker into the ground. If the "customer is always right", then you haven't done anything wrong. Personally I couldn't dream of being offended over something a store clerk has chosen to adorn *his own fucking body*, but then again, I don't venture out into the world expecting it to revolve around me.

Sounds to me like they just want to play pattycake. In the grand tradition of middle management, they're all puff and no venom. (Actually, that's insulting to cobras-- but you get my drift.) Ask yourself what they are *really* gonna do if you don't take it out right then and there? Drag you by coattails out of the store? Beat you? Call your mom?

You know and they know, they can't really do shit. The next time "Mrs. Birch" or whatever that strutting Medusa's name is is bitching at you, look them dead in the eye and think about the fact that she chose WAITROSE as a career and she probably goes home every night to a tin of beans and a tube of Mycelex and some yappy little shit-factory of a dog-- or if she's lucky, a worthless lardass of a surly pizza-faced teenager marinating in his own spunk in front of Everquest-- and then cries herself to sleep. Don't say anything, just look and think. You'll be surprised at how fast they shut up and fuck off.

Or you can use what I call the "Fight Club" tactic: Simply say, "This conversation is over." Walk away. After a few rounds of that, they usually give up. Ask them if they're prepared to go to court over the matter. The responses you get from that one are priceless.

They could fire you-- but I sincerely doubt they want the hassle of replacing your position. And if they do, walk. It's bullshit. It may seem like a financial blow at the moment but look at it this way-- we call people who are willing to degrade themselves and do anything for money "whores". Are you a whore, Matt?

I sometimes wonder how Western economy has survived all these years, being as it seems to be run only by the finest assplows that White Bread John Q. Public High School can produce. These people couldn't find their ass with both hands and they know it. Don't take any shit from these mouth-breathers. You're 6 foot 7, man-- use it. One day a real employer will respect you for it.

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It's a brilliant idea, if you stop to think about it. Anderson, 55, gets a $975 social security check each month. He spends about $400--less in the off-season, more during the summer rush--on an all-you-can-ride Greyhound bus ticket for the month. And he travels. Last week, he was in Dallas. Now he's in Reno, but by the time this comes out in print, Anderson plans to be in New York City. His check didn't come this month, and New York City is the best place to go if you want to get an emergency check cut in a short time.

absorbing article about people who make a lifestyle of riding the Dog. i don't know about you, but early retirement has never looked so agreeable.

Mikayleigh Madicyn Quinnlyn Aemezolina Mercedes-- come to dinner! do you accept this party's nomination for the Presidency of the United States? do you take Hunter Sage Cydnee Jordyn Santiago Joeaziel as your lawfully wedded husband?

My husband and I were once told that we should "pray for a name." That in the Biblical times God named many people and still would today if asked. We had a little girl and were very surprised at the name that came to us when she was born and we have been very happy with it ever since. We are doing the same with our baby that's due in October.

that is actually the sanest thing i have read so far on this whole damn website.

i think Bob is a perfectly suitable name for any child. who agrees with me? he/she can always join some pseudo-pagan/druidic happy-flower hippie cult when they get older and change it to whatever they like better. fine with me.

Boog has noted that the new layout also works in IE 5.5 and Mozilla/Phoenix-- yay!! thanks, babe ;-)

in other site news, i have added mexican to the food list. i could really go for a Blue Agave margarita right now.