we're going to New Mexico next week. a little winter break. i want to see the Georgia O' Keeffe museum and its fine collection of extreme pornographic closeups of amaryllis. also we'll be flying Southwest Air, which i've never flown but heard such wonderful things about. i'm very excited. i've heard they don't give snacks but my friend says there's an odd chance they might give us peanuts.

did anyone else watch that Bridezillas show tonight? probably not-- so, because i totally get off on cutting people down to size, especially if they're appearing on television 10,000 miles away and the chances of ever running into them face to face and getting my ass kicked are practically nil, allow me to recap the highlights.

Bride #1: drags Wallet-To-Be to crap-ass Cheesy Engagement Rings at Criminally Marked-Up Prices Emporium. there spots a $15,000 diamond necklace; entranced by sparkliness. "Buy me pretty South African blood-money rocks!" she demands of Wallet. at rehearsal dinner, Wallet "surprises" her with $15,000 travesty. "because you set your eyes on it and i love you and uh, i won't deny you anything, and all that shit," he says. translation: "i'd better fucking get the anal tonight."

Bride #2: at dress fitting, asks if dress can be more low cut, as she wishes it to be "sexier". newsflash: you are not sexy. you look like your mother had an affair with an anglerfish, and you have no freaking tits. for the love of God, quit while you're ahead.

Bride #3: has been planning her wedding since the age of seven. there is something wrong with people like this.

Bride #4: OMFG. bitches about dress. bitches about groom. bitches about dress, again. bitches about limo. goes back for seventh dress fitting; bitches. bitches about groom again. bitches about boobs. bitches about this; that. bitches about color of sky. after ceremony, leaves all her guests and $50,000 reception to sit in a back room and cry and bitch about the fact that drinks were not served long enough. hey MegaBitch-- maybe your guests didn't want to stand around and drink for six hours; maybe they wanted to eat and cut the cake and hurry up and GO HOME and GET THE HELL AWAY from YOU. JESUS MERCIFUL CHRIST.

what the holy flying fuck are these men thinking? oh, yeah-- "i'm getting laid."

don't look now, here comes the Wedding Planner: "during the ceremony, be sure to look at each other frequently, smile, and hold hands." YOU'RE PAYING SOMEBODY TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS TO TELL YOU THIS, YOU STUPID FARKING FUCKTARDS?!??

just FYI-- i think it's tacky to have your barely-verbal love-progeny present at the ceremony. how ass-backwards. extremely tacky to make them a member of the wedding party. i don't know, something about it just screams TACKY.

i'm going out to buy a humidifier. i can't breathe at night. in the Bad Old Days we just put baking trays full of water on the radiators. but times have changed. Wal*Mart has a small humidifier for about twenty-five bucks. i just hope they're not all gone by the time i get there.

Kelly was a royal foaming bitch last night.

French state subsidizes baby boom. couples with three or more children pay no income tax and have government help with the rent. a cozy 35-hour work week leaves plenty of time for family activities. 40% reductions in train fares make it easier to get to BabyChanel. women can spend as long as they want on state-funded maternity leave. tiny speakers implanted in every tree, bench and streetlamp whisper "breed".

gee, i see this plan coming round to bite us in the ass in about, oh... ten seconds. WHAT THE SHIT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? and who the fuck is running everything while everyone's out shooting jizz? they're just begging to be annihilated.

So will France's right-wing government, which promised a leaner, more efficient economy when it came to power last year, be cutting back on benefits and calling for couples to tone down their reproductive zeal?

Not a bit of it. Not only does the administration pride itself on being family-friendly, but its Family Minister, Christian Jacob, wants to encourage an even higher birth rate.

"Of course the state must step in and help," he says.

holy ack. it's not like we're facing a little global population crisis or anything. and of course, they conveniently fail to mention that the single and childless people pay out the wazoo to fund this expensive little hobby. SOMEBODY somewhere has to pay for SOMETHING.

GAH.

i'm an INFJ. it blows.

for one thing, we know everything. you can walk into a room and within 60 seconds, i can already tell if you're an asshat. i can tell if you beat your wife or finger-fuck your daughter. i can sniff out evil, boredom, jealousy, stupidity, loneliness, secrets and desperation. i have you pegged within five minutes. i can tell straight up if you're the sort of person i should associate with. most of the time, you aren't. that's another thing-- we're wicked snobs.

it gets worse. just as you've gained a reputation as a massive cold-hearted bitch, people start assuming you've got a total stick up your ass, just because you like to keep your desk neat and the bathroom clean. you spend endless moments wiping coffee rings off the kitchen counter because it seems most people could be living in their own damn shit and never notice or care. you have high expectations of the ones you love because, well, you love them-- but they don't see it that way. as far as they're concerned, you might as well be Joan Goddamned Crawford.

we are known as the Counselor/Protector. it's more like being the whole fucking world's mother. supposedly we are activists and champions of the oppressed. yay.

least of all, we only make up about 2% of the population. this means if there's anyone else who could possibly understand where you're coming from, they most likely live in the Philippines.

there's a whole website devoted to how much we suck. and a halfway decent analysis by the leading INFJ expert-- Joe Butt. i wish i were an ENTP.

WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, I WANT THEIR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM ON A PLATE.

she's four, yo.

wow, i didn't realize Lynda Lopez from style.Network is J-Lo's sister. they look nothing alike.

did you know that Liv (unh girl) Tyler was born and raised in Maine? she attended Waynflete which is a ritzy-titsy Young Republican-factory about 10 mins. from here. of course i should probably stress that Waynflete is just about the only ritzy-titsy thing to be found between here and Boston, and to be fair, anything in the Greater Portland area is about 10 mins. away.

i never understood why the Sophie Dahl Opium ad was recieved so badly. i thought it was positively stunning, but you know how it is these days-- folks got no taste.

anyway... SALTYT says: high fash-mag porno-chic? NEXT. SALTYT is God.

Rock legend Pete Townshend has admitted paying to view a child pornography site on the internet but said he did so "just to see what was there".

(i always thought there was something really creepy about the Rosalind Nathan thing.)

But he added: "I was worried this might happen and I think this could be the most damaging thing to my career."

do you, now?

Adult porn had been a life-long interest, said Mr Townshend, a founder member of The Who.

sweet Jesus, this whole article is just a comedy goldmine.

now with updated news!

Good Gourd, people, enough about the snow. over here we got three feet of the stuff for Christmas, had another proper nor'easter pound our ass last weekend and more on the way. happy Winter.

that's it for this evening. i want to have an early dinner. i'm tired of eating at 10 o'clock at night like a bunch of freaking Spaniards.

"The American people never carry an umbrella. They prepare to walk in eternal sunshine." --Alfred E. Smith

U.S.A.'s 10 Fattest Cities. yeah, but where's the list of the 10 phattest cities (whassup Boston!)?