a scan of the final bar tab from Dave Hunt's birthday party in London. (really, you should see this ;-))

who the fuck ordered a Corona? lol.

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic."

--Jack Handey

what the hell is Milla Jovovich talking about in "Gentleman Who Fell"?

first pics from the upcoming Madonna/Missy Elliot Gap ads. ohh! i actually think i will like this very much. :-)

i have to admit that i've enjoyed some of the "80's revival" in fashion these days (solid gold eyeshadow and bronze nail polish-- now that is class, my chicas), but honestly, i can't imagine why any women would want to go back to all that. don't you remember all those tight-ass, crotch-digging, skinny ass high waisted pants? and those Guess jeans with the zippers up the back so you didn't have to tightroll them? didn't we already agree that was pretty much the least flattering look for pretty much any woman on the face of the planet? and didn't they hurt? i guess i tend to forget we're talking about the same sex that gladly put up with corsets for 300 years.

well, i don't want to hold up a "fashion revolution" or anything, so i will step aside and quietly live with my low rise, hip-loving, ass-worshipping boot cut trousers and flared jeans. i just came off a long period when i didn't like anything in the shops, and had to search outlets and thrift stores for clothes i liked to wear-- so please, fashion designer/marketing people, get a grip this time. nothing is more soul-destroying than bawling your eyes out in an Express changing room while screaming, "Jesus Christ, what happened to this store?! why is everything so ugly now?? why can't i just find a nice V-neck? WHY???"

this is why i love Prada so much; i'll wear anything by Prada. no matter what they do, their clothes are still pretty and feminine.

Who Wants to Marry Your Dad? well, certainly not any woman with any sense to her-- as he obviously has a history of fucking without protection.

i just tried Blue Sky Natural Organic Cola in Black Cherry. hmm. reminds me of when i was a wee girl, and i would hide in the back of the coat closet so i could drink all of the Robitussin cough syrup in peace.

tips for wiping your ass properly so that the toilet doesn't overflow, courtesy of Planet Feedback. write a letter to the landlord, maybe-- not the company that makes the fucking paper.

my sister and i used to play this game where we would block up the toilet on purpose (with paper, mostly) and then see who could turn the valve fast enough so that the water didn't spill over. one day we did this and the toilet overflowed big style. we thought we had it all under control, until our downstairs neighbor came up to see why there was water pouring into his apartment.

shortly thereafter my parents arrived home, but all we had to do was throw up our hands and say "i don't know why the toilet overflowed like that. D'Angelo should fix it." so if Mr. D'Angelo, our old landlord, happens to read this, i'm sorry you had to buy a new toilet. if my parents happen to read this.. well just come and get me, motherfuckers. i'll be waiting.

*gasp!* the Sharon Osbourne Show starts September 15!! as you may know, this completely blows my plans to get a job-- as now i shall have to stay home every single weekday afternoon to watch it.

this band kicks ass. they come from Mexico City. i got into them watching Latin MTV. they're described as rap-metal, but i don't think that's entirely accurate. if you can find a better quality copy of "Here We Kum (and we don't care mucho!)".. serious 80's electro rock going on there :-D

whew! gee, i don't even have to read this book anymore; the Boston Globe has captured all the drama, suspense, humor, violence and romance more vividly than i could possibly ever imagined it on my own! simply from reading the review, i feel just like one of those people on the TV ad for the Sunday New York Times. (hopefully more like the nice black lady, and not that creepy Parker Posey-ish thing with a bob.)

"I think it's a good thing to show that some people are fat and imperfect."

i disagree. when i turn on the TV i don't want to see fat, imperfect people. if i want that i can go to the mall. i watch television when i want to escape. i think that's what is wrong nowadays-- anybody can be a celebrity, and people seem to think that because one is a celebrity, their opinions matter. there's a mad sense of entitlement going on. everyone wants their fifteen minutes now. people don't know what's real anymore. Roseanne, my sister in Scorpio, is clearly talking out of her ass.

ever see that BBC show Bargain Hunt? know why the people always lose like 86 million quid? because they always listen to that stupid-ass "expert" that tags along at the antiques fair. once they took a fancy to an awful bronze statue of an elk, and I was screaming at the TV, "that ain't bronze! it's just bronze plated! you better check that shit!" but the expert was all like, oh yes, i have no doubt this will bring a considerable amount at the auction. pay them 70 pounds. and the people did, without a word. later just before the auction the host and the auctioneer did test the elk and it wasn't solid bronze after all and the people lost big style. why did i bring this whole thing up? because it's a metaphor for my life.

is Tom Cruise gay? not that i care or spend any time thinking about it. but here's the thing-- if he is gay, i don't understand why he just doesn't come out. i mean if he is he is, right? it's not like he'd be blacklisted in entertainment or anything. is he possibly afraid of alienating that particular section of female fans that *don't* look at him and think there's something not right about that boy..? if that's the case, i think he's vastly overestimated his target audience. i wish Nicole Kidman would come the fuck out already too. come on girl, the League of Extraordinarily Beautiful and Powerful Lesbians needs you. they're our only hope for saving Western civilization.

i watched Madonna's new video again and decided i didn't like it as much as i thought i did. at first i thought, cool, we're getting back to the old Madonna now. like, Blonde Ambition Madonna. but then it dawned on me. that's exactly what's wrong with it. it's old Madonna. i just don't get why a nearly fifty-year-old woman, who has carried two babies, owns her own companies and lives in an English manor house should have to roll all over the floor and spread her legs a lot to make her point anymore. or maybe she's doing the Jewel thing-- you know-- "it's irony, folks!" well, i'm not good with irony. try something else.

that's the thing about celebrities-- i think many of them get so far into their own little bubble and so caught up in their own self-importance that they lose touch with the world, how things work, and how things really are. it isn't entirely their fault. they're surrounded by people who never tell them anything but yes. yes, you're sexy. yes, rhinestone cowboy hats are the bomb. yes, the eighties-pop hair makes a real statement. then we laugh at them and it's because we're obviously not very clever and we don't "understand". i would hate to be famous. it sounds like a total nightmare.

i'm happy in my new home. i'm also addicted to Latin soap operas and The Price is Right, just like my poor Grandmother. i need a motherfucking job, that's what i need.

i've also started a detailed account of our road trip called How I Spent My Summer Vacation. i guess I'd better get writing.