how to fuck up a polyamorous relationship.

seeing as i am moving house soon, and trying to clean up my computer before i wipe the hard drive and start over fresh...

ladies and gentlemen, throw another shrimp on the barbie and call in sick to work: it's the semi-whenever truefreaksunion link-o-rama bookmark blowout!

meanness in the workplace-- where it comes from, how to deal... the original Grimm's fairy tales-- i don't remember Cinderella's stepsisters getting their eyes poked out by pigeons in the Disney version :-( ... remember the Madonna/Pepsi uproar? good times... one man's account of a really bad experience with marijuana... the Tao Te Ching translated by Stan Rosenthal... the first Zach G-something site... mommy, where did i come from? well, it all started when i was dumped for Vickie Sue Pendleton... viddy well, my brothers-- it's the the Clockwork Orange livejournal community... things creationists hate... deer, 0-- Dodge Durango, 1... sealab 2021, episode 10: "feng shui"... my favorite page 3 girl ever: Krystle. hello shit brickhouse... the Gothic Sex Exchange: "We understand that alienation and being alone is our natural state. Sex is not about liberation, it is medication. It is the quest for dull the pain that is life's bitter angst."... your revolution will not happen between these thighs!... the world's most boring weblog... snappy comebacks for strippers... Tim Burton's the Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy, and other delightful bedtime stories... university sophomore laments: too many fat chicks at Purdue... and finally, what's the worst US state to live in? surprise, it's Maine!

dear God and Jesus:

please do not let this really really suck. thank you.

have you ever seen Dr. Phil's wife? she's like four feet tall and has the hugest knockers ever.

the Australian government introduces its pay-as-you-breed plan:

...the proposal, currently before the Prime Minister, would provide all women having babies with an allowance equivalent to three months' pay at the level of the minimum wage - about $5000.

[...] To ensure women who do not have paid work, or very little paid work, are not discriminated against, the Government is considering making the payment across-the-board, regardless of whether someone is working for their income.

NO! wrong! stop! no, no, no! ladies and gentlemen, stop immediately!! this is crazy; it has gone too far. i want off. i want out. i feel like i'm stuck living in a terrible Fellini film. everywhere around me, there is madness.

we've been through this before, but nobody seems to get it. since you love babies so much, why don't i explain it to you in baby terms, ok? i'm gonna raise my voice slightly, watch my hand motions. THIS IS SOMEBODY'S MONEY. IT BELONGS TO SOMEBODY ELSE. THEY WORKED FOR THE MONEY. IT IS NOT FAIR THAT THE BIG PEOPLE WILL TAKE THEIR MONEY AWAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WORK. SITTING AT HOME WITH A DNA REPLICANT CLAMPED TO YOUR TIT IS NOT CONSIDERED "WORK" AS DEFINED FOR TAX PURPOSES. IF YOU WANT 5000 BUCKS, GET A JOB.

and just to clarify: we do not need any more blessed events, ok people? we're all full up on the blessed events. to the tune of six billion. we're done, folks. the earth is feeling it. please. less babies = more money and resources for YOU!

of course my father always said, "if you wait until you can afford them, you'll never have them." that's right, Daddy Dearest, because you know, i enjoyed growing up in rickety apartments and sharing one bathroom between four people, and spending our balmy summer evenings all camped out in the master bedroom because that was the only room with an air conditioner, and bumping into my classmates in the supermarket line while my stepmother was fumbling for the food stamps, and listening to my parents fight violently over money, and feeling secure in the knowledge that half the man's paycheck was going to support the bitches he knocked up before we came along. it gave me character, you see. we may not have had riches, but we made up for it in bitterness. yeah, the way life should be. we were just one big happy family. all fun, all the time. you're not listening anymore, are you?

last night, on the way back from seeing Finding Nemo, i asked my boyfriend, "hey, you know how Mike (his best friend) is single, right?" "yeah," he replied.

"well, i was thinking.. i mean if you like the idea.. about us asking him if he'd like to, you know, fool around with us."

i was mostly just curious to see how he'd react. you know-- feeling out what's "off limits", if anything. the two of them are like family. "if he wants to bring a woman in too, that's cool also," i continued.

he was quiet for a few seconds. then he laughed. "oh my god.. really?"

in the morning when i sobered up, i realized it might be a bad idea. Mike's hot and all, but--

1) he's divorced from his wife-- and she's kind of a friend. and a nice person.

2) he's got a kid already. i'm not quite sure i can imagine banging somebody's dad.

at home i listened to the latest Coldplay album, which made me moody. good lord, this emo shit is depressing; i don't really get it. why not just pass the tequila around and watch The Wall? it's quicker and more effective. then i watched a documentary about Magda Goebbels. holy shit, that woman was insane.

a faux-tortoiseshell claw-like hair clip, aged 3, died unexpectedly today while performing its regular duties.

ms. truefreaksunion, of Lobster Republic-in-the-Hole, described how she kept the hair clip clamped to the bottom shelf of the shower caddy. employed to keep ms. truefreaksunion's hair up and off her neck as she caressed her nubile body with Lever 2000 once-- sometimes twice-- per day, the hair clip seemed to be in perfect long-running health.

"i had just finished washing my hair, so i reached for the clip. as i gathered my hair into a loose bun with one hand, squeezing open the clip with the other, i heard a loud snapping noise. the clip fell in two pieces onto the floor of the tub. then as i reached down to gather the remains, the metal parts slipped out of the plastic and clanked into the drain." ms. truefreaksunion paused to gather her composure. "it was dismembered before my very eyes."

despite it all, she remains stoic. "i'm a Buddhist, so i believe that hair clip will just be reborn again. no biggie." she admits that she feels slightly lost and doesn't "really know what to do". "i'm too busy to go to Target right now. i guess i'll just get soap in my hair for a while." she shrugs.

mr. truefreaksunion, away at his busy hospital job, could not be reached for comment.

the burial is set to take place at the wastebasket to the left of the toilet. in lieu of gifts and flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the North Shore Animal League and NORML Foundation, adding, "our hair clip always loved animals and weed."

my mother has this habit that aggravates the shit out of me. upon visiting her home, people will often remark, "oh, what a beautiful antique sofa you have".. to which she will respond, "thank you; my ex-husband's grandmother died on it." oh my God. she invariably follows this up with "i've had it re-upholstered, of course."

see, one day my great-grandma went off the deep end, downed a bunch of pills and a decanter of brandy, lay down on the sofa and went to sleep permanently. but because it was back in the day, and she was from a "good" family, it wasn't "officially" a suicide, and it was all shh shh for the longest time. i'm sure my mother finds this to be a fascinating historical tidbit. i find it mortifying.