stop the press! another dippy old bat turns 100

Society Leader Embraces Joy of Life:

At nearly a century, Stearns has aged better than most fine wines. Her skin is smoother and clearer than that of most women half her age.

um, no, it isn't.

good God, the most boring people with the most hideous taste are the ones that just go on and on, aren't they? they never just die, but insist on hauling their putrefying, cake-eating carcasses around on a pedestal until their general uselessness and passive-aggression reaches almost legendary proportions. how come we never hear stories like this where the people say, "i smoked three packs a day, i drank a fifth of bourbon every night, i fucked when i wanted to fuck; i ate lard sandwiches and smacked my kids around, and when the Depression came, i worked my fingers to the bone. i don't regret a damn thing."

36 D blues

folks, today was a long fucking day. but, i look at it this way-- i blew a C-note at Vickie's this weekend, and i made it all back today.

the men in my life don't like to hear this, but i really wish i had smaller breasts. i'd love to be able to wear cute little titslings like this.

baby pictures

normally i wouldn't be bothered to post some friend of a friend's kitty pics here, but i thought these were too good to miss. i warn you-- she's heinously adorable:

Tatiana the Sausage Kitty

she's going off on clapton now. she's gotta be high.

frankly, i don't get Eric Clapton. i'm just mystified as to what the big fucking deal with this guy is. do you know how many actual times the words "Clapton" and "God" appear together in the same sentence? perhaps i'm taking it a bit too literally, but you'd think that with endorsements like that, something would be apparent to me. it is not.

Eric Clapton is a "Guitar God". okay! this was obviously well before my day-- presumably in the same time as the Tower of Babel. and don't come up with some lame old-skool reppin' shit like, "oh, you've obviously never heard a Cream album." i have, many times. and beyond inspiring my seventh grade love-interest to learn the chords to something else besides the intro to "Stairway To Heaven", i was none too impressed with it. so he used to be able to pick a decent tune. oooh. now let's join the rest of the class, shall we?

so yeah, the "God" thing is just a wee bit obnoxious. ask anyone who's done mushrooms and they'll tell you they've actually seen God-- and as far as they can recall, He wasn't preoccupied with turning out comatose bullshit like "Wonderful Tonight".

i don't get Tenacious D, either. Frank Zappa did it better.

my upstairs neighbor is a serious asshole, btw.

ohhh, i want i want i want! i remember i had the cheap knock-off version from Merry Go Round-- but now that i'm all grown up, don't you think i deserve the real thing? (and don't forget my birthday is coming up ;-))

that's a pretty crap photo they've included of her wearing the earrings, by the way-- so here's a better one.

if you're interested, the "Maripol for Madonna" auction will run through September 29th; you can view the full catalog here. a fascinating interview with the French designer who created the indelible "Like a Virgin" look can be found at the fabulous Madonna's Ashram.

oh where have you been my blue eyed son

well, his eyes aren't actually blue-- but that's never an excuse to butcher Dylan.

What is your Alter-Ego Personality?

we fuckin rule

"We have a lot of mestiços of our own, so to speak, from Brazil to Macao, via Africa, India, you name it. In fact, the Spanish Empire, compared to ours, sucked. ;)"

Miguel Cardoso REPRESENTS!

how lame is that?

word around the POP server recently is that starting next month, Fanfiction.net will no longer host NC-17 rated stories. what's that you say, kids? yeah, lame.

"Though they are very small portion of the site the adult stories have generated almost all of the complaints filed on record in the past year. Moreover, the highest concentration of them are growing in areas with subjects targeted to younger readers and with increasingly controversial subject matters. However, not all NC-17 based stories fall into the description but as result of their increasing volume a decision has been made to resolve this problem. Innocent writers will be affected but this has to be done considering the non-filtering scheme of the site."

have any interest in reading about Harry Potter getting his dick sucked? nope, neither do i. but i still think it's lame that a number of writers will lose their forum, because a gaggle of nitwits apparently can't comprehend ANY part of "No Children Under 17". i think-- fuck it, you already know what i think. lame.

anyway, i just wanted to take this opportunity to direct any fanfic-heads to the shiny new Fandomination.net. they're still working out a few kinks, but the design is phat and already looks set to kick FF.net's white/anglo/protestant ass-- and best of all, if it happens that Legolas loves Aragorn in your universe, no one's gonna give you shit about it here.

iam secksay liek a modul

oooh! this chick has 'Renee hair'. (but she certainly doesn't have 'Renee ass'.)

ring links

50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks-- in particular, the unaddressed optical ramifications of spontaneous invisibilty:

Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.

excellent point.

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins, as Performed by Leonard Nimoy-- courtesy of Davezilla. yes, i said Leonard Nimoy. in the same sentence as "ballad" and "Bilbo". in turn, Mr. Spock delivers the line "huffing on his pipe in his Hobbit-hole" with some resonance and complete seriousness.

i disagree on several points that Bilbo was "the bravest little Hobbit of them all". for example, he never had the balls to actually leave the house looking this damn fine.

"My birthday's gonna suck for the rest of my life," Bachman said on the eve of his 29th birthday.

a nation mourns. the Onion is there.

i've been feeling really shitty lately, and haven't had much to say. nuff said.

i was bored today at work and decided to check my Hotmail. when you sign out of Hotmail it automatically redirects you, forcibly and against your will, to MSN.com. just before i clicked the close button a link titled "20 Questions to Help You Land A Job You'll Love" caught my eye. how auspicious, i thought. i was just thinking about how crappy this job really is.

i guess i had an idea that it would lead to something practical and constructive like advice on improving your resume. but practical and constructive just isn't in MSN's universe. it's an Oprah-Dr.Phil-Men-Are-From- Mars-Freakshow quiz thing called Discover the Work You Were Born To Do. Christ. too late now, Duch-- you're face is on the tea-towels.

yeah, got sucked into a little self-discovery vortex. behold. questions in italics; my answers in sans-serif.

1. What subjects do you most enjoy reading about?

history, biography, science, travel.

2. What television or radio programs do you most enjoy?

comedy. music. travel. those Discovery Channel programs about Great White Sharks.

3. What are your favorite types of movies?

atmospheric, creepy, visual, anti-heroic, fringe society.

4. What are your favorite hobbies or pastimes?

riding in the car with the CD blasting; strumming along to my father's record collection; hiking; shopping for kitchen gadgets; writing (duh)

5. What type of volunteer activities do you prefer?

anything to do with animals. don't take this the wrong way, but people are shit and i don't think they deserve much of my time.

6. What subjects do you enjoy discussing with friends?

anything but Friends. i just never got into that show.

7. What subjects come to mind when you daydream?

sex. where to go next. Peter Cooper and a bottle of baby oil. foreign lands. what are people in Egypt doing right now? what if i just suddenly stabbed myself with this pen?

8. What have been your favorite jobs?

coffee shop, record shop, head shop. admittedly, i liked them because the people were chill, we could wear what we wanted and the management wasn't constantly up our ass. basically, i don't give a shit what i do for a living as long as i can be left alone and just get my job done.

9. What were your favorite school subjects?

Lit., science, lunch.

10. What are your pet peeves?

laziness, bad manners, clutter-- feh, too many to list here.

11. If you doodle, what do you often draw?

fractals and Varga girls.

12. If you ran the world, what changes would you make?

what a loaded fucking question. i refuse to dignify it with this answer.

13. If you won a million bucks, what would you do with it?

buy a townhouse in a thriving international city.

14. What are your favorite kinds of people?

the ones who don't take themselves so fucking seriously.

15. How would you like to be remembered after your death?

i want all my lovers to say, "she was fabulous." or if you must... if you absolutely must (because they say these things are for the living, not the dead), a simple headstone that reads "THE PATHS OF GLORY LEAD BUT TO THE GRAVE"-- but i so don't believe in such gross displays of narcissism.

16. What are your favorite toys?

i don't play.

17. How would you describe your political beliefs?

free market. repeal all sex laws. legalize it. privatize it.

18. Who do you most admire in life?

people who keep their mouths shut and look good in Chanel suits and pillbox hats. barring that, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. and Madonna.

19. What tasks have brought you the most success?

tasks?

20. What tasks do you think you could do well that you haven't yet done?

hell, i don't know. i thought i was taking this quiz to find out.

Examine your answers. Do you see a certain behavior or belief in more than one aspect of your life? What information do you see repeated that seems to reveal a behavior pattern? What are your long-lasting interests?

aaargh!

but wait, there's more. it suddenly gets all deep and complicated and shit.

Using this information, paint a self-portrait by completing the following statements: I am mainly interested in...

getting on with my life in peace.

I believe most in...

natural selection.

I most value...

my independence.

For a good life, I feel I need...

my head hurts.

I can do the following well...

...?

what do you mean, well? that's terribly vague. i can spell well. i can open a can of soup well. what's my score? am i a Libra?

fuck it. i was born to be a free-thinking anti-social disciplinarian. your homework is to meditate and think of ways to improve yourselves. kthx good night.

laugh

i apologize in advance for posting this.

BF asked this morning, "were you having bad dreams last night? because you were moving a lot, like about 4am."

i did have some crazy dreams, but i didn't have time to write them down like i usually do. the only one that i remember vividly started out in my apartment, and the fire department banged on my door and told us to get out immediately, the other side of the building had caught fire. so i was rushing around stuffing plastic grocery bags with things to save-- only i was trying to save the stupidest shit, like Hard Candy makeup and paperback novels. then finally the firemen burst in again and physically dragged me out of the building-- but not before i handed them a few plastic bags full of stuff to carry.

me and the rest of my neighbors are milling around in front of the building, and i'm poring over the stuff i managed to save and wondering if i got everything, and one of them picks a fight with me. over what, i can't recall clearly now. right before we come to blows the firemen come out and tell us it's ok, the fire is gone and we can return to our apartments now. and it seems that in this particular dream i was still working for Tower Records, because just then one of my old workmates drives up and says, "aren't you coming into work today? you're way late" and i reply, "dude-- my house was on fire."

um... hmmm... er, um... aiyee?

damn near the whole world's gone Sapphic-- only now it seems Britney Spears has finally caught on. SA Sunday Times reports she has become "great pals" (oh, is that what the kids are calling it nowadays) with gay-for-pay queen Jenna Jameson, has amassed her own collection of girly-love vids-- and subtly hints there may be a foray into lesbian porn in Britney's near future.

and you can wipe those smirks off your faces, Mary-Kate and Ashley; you're next.