did you know Taylor Hanson got married? and four months later they banged out a kid? that's insane! i can't believe i never heard about that. shows how much i care about celebrities, i guess.

he's so un-cute to me now. teenage matrimony is grody.

note to self: when flashing your panties from sea to shining sea, always be sure to remove your pantyliner beforehand. even if you're high as fuck.

some things about myself:

i like to wake up in the morning, put on a CD, and then eat breakfast and go about my daily routine as if i were being filmed for some avant-garde music video.

before i had a car, i would do it on the bus too. sit there quietly and pretend i was being filmed.

i don't lipsync; i'm supposed to pretend that i don't know i'm being filmed. i just go along with the movements, but i try to keep my back straight, my movements purposeful and clear like a geisha's and my face serene and calm like i never screamed at anybody.

i did this on the Underground once.

other things:

about once a year, i ovulate, and manage to work myself up into some sort of ultra-feminine glamour-whore/fuck-me-in-my-Guccis-baby/girly-girl phase and blow a ridiculous amount of money on myself within a few short days. but for things no one could possibly use, like $12 glitter mascara, another Nine West handbag, a haute couture lip gloss that does the same thing as Lip Smackers but the packaging is way cooler, more thongs, another bottle of perfume and a pink soap that smells like creamy candy.

none of it is any substitute for my favorite eyeliner, which has been out of stock forever now. the folks at MakeupAlley assure me it hasn't been discontinued.

have you ever passed by a shop and thought, "ooh, they have cute clothes in there, i'll go check it out" and realized about ten minutes later that it's a "big girl" shop (i don't know, "plus size" just seems to imply it's abnormal or something-- i mean, what would you call it?) and walked out as nonchalantly as possible but kind of embarrassed? or seen a cute sweater in a department store, but it turns out it's maternity? why do brickhouses and pregnant bitches get all the good clothes?

apparently i'm a freefalling yearner. i share a bed with a starfish who quickly becomes a foetus once i begin bludgeoning him blindly with my fists for snoring, and a cat who alternates between starfish-position-under-the-bed and yearner-position-on-my-face.

today i was playing with my kitty, with her favorite toy which is like a bunch of feathers glued onto a flexible stick with a bell attached, and i was bouncing it up and down so she could jump up and catch it. she got a little carried away and jumped too high and landed on her little head doing a kind of somersault. my heart nearly stopped right there, but she was perfectly fine. nevertheless i was so shaken i had to hold and cuddle her for about fifteen minutes after that; i think she was quite annoyed at that, but she humoured me.

i'm so glad i have my kitty; she protects us from pillow tags and Cat5 wire; she takes after me 'coz we're both 100% stoopid, and whenever i feel hurt or down she always comes up with some goofy-ass antic to cheer me up, like attacking her reflection in the glass balcony door.

last night the BF and i were watching Emeril Lagasse, and he sprinkled salt on a salad he was making. BF said, "i've never heard of putting salt on a salad" and i replied, "well maybe that's why his food tastes so good and he owns like eight restaurants and you don't." Emeril is the motherfucking man. and my homeboy. God bless him forever.

i saw this programme where Emeril went to an elementary school to bang up their cafeteria lunch and spread some culinary awareness. (Emeril is like the Jimmy Carter of Massachusetts; just a nice guy who does so much good for so many people, but nobody takes him seriously enough.) he was personally serving the children in the lunch line and one little girl said "thank you-- i love you." Emeril said, "i love you too, honey" and the girl gasped like a Southern Belle and blushed like a mofo and another little girl shook his hand and swooned, "i'm never washing this hand again." it just proves my theory that if you're a man and you're not really all that attractive, but you're confident in what you do and you do something well, the chicks will still bang your door down. there's nothing sexier than a man who knows his shit.

"What the FUCK was that?" --Mayor of Hiroshima

the incredible, edible word "fuck". fine examples of its various grammatical usages, versatility, and historical value.

in other news, i think these are just the cutest things ever. (look at the little twins!) the FAQ says they are most certainly not political statements-- so support something original and purchase, purchase away!

"Amish Community Shaken By Shooting". ok class, before i go any further, let's make sure we're all on the same page. it is not acceptable to kill another human being.

now put on your thinking caps and answer me this: how in the holy flaming fuck did they expect the driver to react? get out of the car going, "oh, i get it, it's a prank. LMAO." take a souvenir photo? group hug? i'm not certain.

i guess i could assume that you, my dear reader, and i, your humble servant are intellectual equals, both familiar with the laws of action and consequence, and we could just let common sense prevail and let the whole thing rest there-- but oh no. a Child of the Corn must offer his inbred-ass opinion. 45 seconds, Wayne.

Wayne Miller, an Amish man from nearby Kidron, said the young people "shouldn't have been throwing tomatoes." "But if people start shooting people for throwing tomatoes, this country's in bad shape," he said.

whoa, gee, hey, how about this? throwing objects-- any object-- at a moving vehicle is no joke. and paintball guns? those motherfuckers do some serious damage. if you're driving upwards of 35mph, down an unlit country road, and a good size tomato suddenly explodes all over your windscreen-- the shock alone could run you right off the road. and i don't know about you, but i *might* interpret that as an attempt on my life.

what if i were to hurl tomatoes at one of you, throwing your horse into a panic and bouncing your little Amish family all over the pavement? shit, i'd be in the County Orange faster than i could say federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. lay off the lung casserole and grow some perspective. and fuck you, btw, if you think throwing shit at people's cars is really such a great joke.

"He was a real outgoing person, always willing to help you," Yoder said.

oh, i see.. except when it came to your insurance premiums, right?

Indeed. Check it out. But when we finally arrived at the Mint Hotel my attorney was unable to cope artfully with the registration procedure. We were forced to stand in line with all the others - which proved to be extremely difficult under the circumstances. I kept telling myself: "Be quiet, be calm, say nothing... speak only when spoken to: name, rank and press affiliation, nothing else, ignore this terrible drug, pretend it's not happening... "

There is no way to explain the terror I felt when I finally lunged up to the clerk and began babbling. All my well-rehearsed lines fell apart under that woman's stoney glare. "Hi there," I said. "My name is... ah, Raoul Duke... yes, ON THE LIST, that's for sure. Free lunch, final wisdom, total coverage... why not? I have my attorney with me and I realize of course that his name is not on the list, but we MUST have that suite, yes, this man is actually my DRIVER. We brought this Red Shark all the way from the Strip and now it's time for the desert, right? Yes. Just check the list and you'll see. Don't worry. What's the score here? What's next?"

--Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

Rolling Stone thinks Jack White is a better guitarist than Pete Townshend. they think Duane Allman is a better axman than Jimmy Page or Stevie Ray Vaughan, for that matter.

listen, can you 80's-babies do us all a favor, pull Carson Daly's strap-on out of your asses, and let the big business of Running The World be handled by someone who remembers what it was like without TRL or Road Rules? also, stop smoking crack, and blow me while you're at it. kthx.