He just makes me feel different...

I can't explain it any other way. There's just something about him that I can't grasp and I really wish I knew because this is an inexplicable feeling that I've been having for awhile now. Every time I see him, I just wanna melt and hug him and kiss him and then I get all pissed at myself.

Why am I feeling like this? Why? Why am I attracted to another guy? I'm not gay... I'm married, I've had girlfriends before my wife, why do I feel this attraction towards a GUY?!

There he is. I felt my heart beginning to pound faster, faster, harder, racing like a stampede of elephants at the mere sight of him. No matter how hard I'm trying to focus on my wife and naked girls in pornos and hot chicks in general that throw themselves at us... it's not working... I'm still feeling this urge, this temptation to love him, to kiss him, to show him how I feel about him, to tell him how I feel about him.

And then as I see him embracing his wife or obviously showing no attraction towards me other than brotherly love, I feel this ache in the pit of my stomach. I feel this incomprehensible pain, I feel like running into a corner and crying like a little child. My heart breaks, cuz then I realize that I will never be able to be with him... I will never be able to have him as mine, I will never be able to love him or be loved by him.

And I want to cry...

I find myself constantly jealous of his wife. The woman gets his love, she gets to love him. She gets to be with him... I want it to be me he loves, not his wife...

Fuck, why am I thinking like this? Why am I attracted to him? He's a guy... I'm a guy... guys don't love guys like this... guys love girls, guys get attracted to girls... that's the way it should be...

Then why don't I feel like that? Why do I have feelings for him? I have a wife and instead, I want to be with another guy.

This is wrong...

Then why does it feel so right?

That's the question that has been lingering in my head for the longest time now... Feeling this feeling, this love for someone, someone who is not my wife... someone who is a guy...

I head towards the stage to begin a show for our many many KoRn kids, deciding I'm going to ignore it all. I'm not going to think about him...about how I feel about him...

**********************************************************************************

The show was a blast as always. Such an adrenaline rush that I just wanted to tackle each of my band mates and beat them for fun. Playfully of course, I wouldn't want to seriously hurt them. Especially HIM. The other guys say I don't know my own strength sometimes, that a simple harmless punch to their arm from me could leave them writhing in slight pain and bruised the next day and I wouldn't know it.

And I most definitely wouldn't want to hurt HIM...

I shook my head. I didn't want to think like that. I didn't want to think that I was still so attracted to a... guy... that I wouldn't want to hurt him. I wouldn't want him to be teasing me and telling me the next day that the harmless punch I gave him left him bruised. I'd feel too bad...

Stop thinking like that, damnit! I ordered myself.

As we walked down the halls back to our dressing room, I trailed a bit farther behind, my mind in deep thought. I couldn't think of anything else but him and it was really, really pissing me off. The others were all pumped and talking about anything and everything, laughing, joking, shouting and making plans to go to the after show party that one of our roadies had informed us about earlier. I knew I was definitely going. I had to drink.

Drinking would make me stop thinking about him, I was sure of it.

Then something happened while we were in the dressing room. I found myself fighting not to run and hide in a bathroom stall in the adjacent bathroom or something because of it.

I'd seen him changing out of his sweaty stage clothes and an embarrassing thing happened that made me silent and turn my back to the rest of the band.

I'd gotten hard.

I'd felt it and I'd slowly turned and looked down. Despite the fact that I was wearing baggy pants, I saw the bulge poking out. I gulped. It was pretty noticeable and anyone who I faced would notice it also, even if they weren't looking down there.

Oh Christ this was fucking embarrassing. I quickly changed and hurried for the bathroom, muttering urgently that I had to take a really bad piss just to throw them off course, so they wouldn't get suspicious of anything. Anything at all. Once in the bathroom, I examined myself in the full length mirror.

The bulge in my pants was still there, plain for all to see.

Great. Just fucking great.

I leaned against the counter and folded my arms across my chest. There was no way I was going to leave this fucking bathroom with a hard on peaking out and saying hi to the world. No way in Hell. How would I explain this to the guys? That I got a fucking boner from seeing one of them undressing? How fucking psycho would that sound? I know that if one of them did that to me, told me that they got turned on from watching ME change, I wouldn't be too happy.

Sighing, I turned and faced my reflection, resting the palms of my hands against the counter as I stared at myself in the mirror.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked my reflection and then cocked my eyebrow, almost as if I was awaiting an answer.

It was probably a good thing that I was leaning against the counter, facing the mirror, cuz the door to the bathroom suddenly swung open. I froze, just as a natural reaction that even though my bulge was hidden, that somehow, it would be noticed, spotted and then I'd be caught. My cheeks blushed at the mere thought.

But then, I had another reason to freeze in my spot. I had another reason to blush.

HE'D walked in...

TO BE CONTINUED...

So who's talking? Who's this member attracted to? Have fun guessing!!! Stay tuned, you'll find out in part 2! I AM EVIL!