I awoke early the next morning, too early for my liking. The clock beside my bed said that it was only going on 7:30, which made me groan in frustration. It had been almost 4 in the morning when I had helped David back to his hotel room...

Wait a minute...

I felt the presence beside me. Heard the light snoring. I rolled over to see if my memory was correct of me never having left David's room and sure enough, it was. There, lying beside me, his blond spikes poking out in several directions, was David. I could only stare at him, watch him as he slept. He looked so child like, his hands clasped beneath his cheek, his eyelids fluttering slightly... he looked like a little boy, like I was staring at his son laying beside me instead of him.

I sighed as I stared at his sleeping form and I decided to go back to my own room and try and sleep some more before the rest of the group woke up and before we would have to get ready and leave. I knew that things would get suspicious if I remained in David's room with him. As much as I wanted to stay, I knew I had to leave.

Once I was in my room, I collapsed onto the still-made bed and heaved a heavy sigh. My mind trailed off into the far off depths of the back of my brain, where I couldn't reach it and bring it back so that I could sleep. I knew that, even though my head was pounding with such an agonizing headache, that my mind was preferring to keep me awake and make me think about what exactly was going on here.

It was painfully obvious. I was attracted to another guy. And last night, I did the ultimate in stupid things and kissed this other guy and while he was barely coherent too! As I thought about it more and more, I knew that there was a chance that David might not remember kissing me or me kissing him or whatever. There was a chance that I could pretend that it had never happened and he'd never know that something actually did happen... that he'd kissed me... or I kissed him...

But did I really want to do that? Did I really want to pretend that we had not kissed the night before while I was drunk and he was drunk and stoned and so out of it, he couldn't even form a logical sentence? Did I really want to continue hiding my feelings towards David by keeping quiet about what had happened and continue to act like there was no love there other than strictly brotherly love? Did I really want to continue to watch David love his wife and be loved by his wife, while I continued to yearn for him, yet continued to deny that there was even anything there?

All in all, the feelings were strong and devious. They, along with the questions, plagued me even after I drifted off into a tense and hazy sleep.

They plagued me in the form of dreams, dreams that I obviously wanted to become a reality. David was in these dreams, as was our band mates and my wife and his wife. I'd somehow confessed to David how I felt about him and the results had been less than pleasant... more like just downright embarrassing and agonizing. He'd laughed right in my face and then, Jon, Head and Munky also laughed, even though in the dream, I'd clearly been alone with him in the room when I'd told him how I felt. They appeared out of nowhere and laughed at me and then Shannon had appeared from out of nowhere and draped her arm lovingly and challengingly across his shoulders, a taunting smirk across her face. A sort of 'he's MINE' smirk, a smirk of triumph that left me with a burning pain in the pit of my stomach and weak on my feet. Then, Shela appeared in this dream, also from out of nowhere and laughed at me...

I longed to escape these dreams, even though in them, I was sure they were the reality. But they kept coming, one after another. In a couple, David admitted that he had similar feelings towards me; in others, he flat out made me break from what he'd say.

Who the Hell knew the little bleached blond pretty boy punk in KoRn would be unawaringly playing with my emotions like this. God damnit, no one ever did this to me... well, except Shela...

Until now, that is...

There was an insistent, yet distant pounding thundering through the dreams and I felt myself subconsciously trying to pull myself out of my mind to see if this pounding was the real deal or not. Finally, after hearing it again, my eyes slowly opened a bit and I heard it again. Light knocks on the door.

I glanced at the bed side clock. It was only going on eleven. Still to early in my eyes. Too fucking early.

"James - go away... it's not my fucking fault you have a fucking hangover!" I yelled in spite of myself, causing my head to throb more. I figured it was Munky. He had a habit of bothering me every morning that had him hungover beyond tolerance, begging to bum some Tylenol off me since he was too hopeless to get some of his own.

"Fieldy? Can I come in? I gotta talk to you..."

My eyes shot open completely and I sat up straight, my hangover forgotten. It was David. I slowly stood up and made my way to my door, trying to compose myself. But when I opened the door, all struggle for composure flew out the fucking window. He'd obviously taken a shower before leaving for my room, judging by his damp spikes, and all he had on was a pair of jeans. Damnit...

I tried my best to appear as though I wanted only to sleep, but I don't think I did that good of a job. I couldn't help but react to seeing him like that, so much that I wanted to slap myself across the face. Or have him do it. It was funny, because I've always seen David with no shirt on before... onstage, before a show, afterwards, when we'd all be partying and he'd get too carried away cuz he'd be so drunk that he'd practically strip for us... I've seen him without a shirt on so many times its ridiculous... except it was different this time. Now that there was something else there, something else I was feeling for him other than feelings as a friend, all the trivial things that he'd done in the past, I was now seeing in a new light.

"Hey." he said quietly, jabbing his hands into the front pockets and rocking slowly on his feet.

"Hey yourself." I replied, not knowing what to say next.

There was a moment of silence between us and then finally he muttered, "uh...Field - Reg, can I talk to you?"

I nodded in agreement and stepped aside to let him in. He wondered over to my bed and had a seat and I followed, sitting myself down next to him. He looked at me with amusement.

"Damn, dude, you look like shit..." he inquired.

I snorted. "You don't look so good yourself..." I replied, laughing lightly.

He too, laughed and then rested himself down on the bed on his back. "Man, I was fucked last night..." he stated. He stared up at the ceiling as he spoke, and I noticed how his jaw bone arched a strange way when he spoke.

Damnit, was there any part of his body that wasn't so perfect and defined?

"Yeah, you were pretty out of it," I said, picking at a piece of lint from my red Puma T-shirt.

He suddenly looked at me guiltily, his brown eyes wide and confused. "Was I? 'Cause I do remember most of what I did..." his voice trailed off and I knew why right away.

I saw it in his eyes. I saw the confusion, the suspicion, the fear... even the curiosity. I saw it all and that's all I needed to know and I knew it right then and there that he remembered...

I stared down at him as he stared up at me. He looked like he was trying to build himself up to ask, to get the answer he feared. I waited, knowing I was going to have to be honest with him. No point in trying to deny any of it happened... and I realized that, in a way, I did want to deny it... Finally here it was. David was going to find out how I felt about him and here I was, feeling the need to deny it. Why?

Was it the actual kiss I wanted to deny? Or was it the whole scenario, the attraction to him that I possessed?

I didn't know...

"Reg...?" David's said softly and I realized that I'd been staring down at my lap. Why? Was I ashamed? Embarrassed? Or both?

Or neither?

I didn't know that either...

David took a deep breath and spoke again in a quiet voice. "Reggie... I have a vague memory of something... I need to know if it really happened..." I nodded and he continued. "You helped me to my room last night... I remember you sitting down next to me and asking me if I was ok..."

I held in my breath as he continued to talk. It was coming... here it comes...

He sighed for a moment and then looked up at me. He stared me straight in the eyes and I did the same.

"Reggie... did we... did we..." he couldn't bring himself to say it. And he didn't need to. I knew what he was asking. He remembered it, vaguely he said but he still remembered it, and I guess he was trying to sort out his thoughts and emotions by first finding out if it actually happened.

And so I gave him his answer. I stared him straight in the eyes and then, sighing to compose myself, nodded.

"Yeah, David... we did..." I thought I'd have an easier time than him, since this was something I'd been wanting for awhile now. But as I answered him, I discovered I couldn't bring myself to say it. I couldn't bring myself to say the words "we kissed".

He stared at me, his eyes wide, his mouth opened as if he wanted to say something. I knew he couldn't. He was at a loss of words, his voice tangled in an emotional web with his feelings and his mind. What did I exactly expect him to do? Jump at me with open arms and express similar love?

Man, that sounded like the biggest load of bullshit I've ever thought of in my life.

I watched his eyes grow wider and wider as the truth of what I'd told him sank in. He looked somewhat horror stricken and I felt guilt churning inside of me for doing what I'd done the night before.... I'd been too hopeful... I'd let myself out and open for once, instead of staying the guarded somewhat closed off person that I'd grown up as. For the first time in my life, I was ready to let someone in completely...

"Reg?" David spoke, his voice squeaky and high pitched, almost like the way he'd sounded when I'd first met him all those years ago, when I was seventeen and he was that little thirteen year old punk who had yet to hit puberty. I found myself remembering all those memories of before this overwhelming feeling towards him started. How I'd thought he was just a little punk follower when we were teenagers, struggling to find a sound and identity of our own. How as we grew as friends, band mates and people, I thought less and less of him as just like an annoying younger brother, as just the immature little kid who grasped reality and certain situations years after I did and more as like a brother to me. An equal brother. No more, no less.

All those feelings I used to have of David suddenly seemed so much like that of thoughts of someone else, like they came from someone else's mind and mouth. Not mine. I could no longer see or even think of David as the way I used to...

The silence grew heavier and heavier, almost weighing me down achingly. I sighed, feeling so confused and uncomfortable. If he wasn't going to say anything...

"Reggie, we... we k... k...kissed?" he stammered, looking at me with pleading eyes, almost as if begging me to say that it wasn't true. But I couldn't.

And so I nodded. "Yeah..." I mumbled, just over a whisper. I barely even heard it myself.

It was silent again for a few more moments. Time seemed to stand still. Then, he surprised me with what he said next.

"What was it like? I don't really remember it that much..." he looked away for a moment, almost as if he was ashamed of himself for asking that question. I could tell something else was itching to come out of his mouth as words, so I just kept my gaze on him and waited.

"Reg?" He spoke again and this time he turned his eyes back to me. He looked me right in the eyes again. "Will you... show me what it was like...?"

The question was said so softly, so quietly, that at first I didn't know if I'd even heard him right. But the look in his eyes told me the truth. I'd heard right.

Instead of answering him, I chewed on my bottom lip, debating with myself whether or not I should. But then I looked at him and his eyes told me everything.

And so, I took a deep breath and slowly lowered my face towards his. He bit his bottom lip, waiting expectantly, anticipating it. Our eyes never left each others gaze as our faces drew closer. My breathing became more deepened, his breath whispered across my face. Our lips were merely inches apart--

BANG! BANG! "Hey Fieldy!"

Everything stopped. I stopped, he stopped, our breaths stopped, our movements stopped. We stared at each other for a moment, almost in disbelief of what almost happened. And then, when the pounding on the door continued and Munky's hung over grunting kept on, I growled and unwillingly pulled away. I stood up, he sat up and grabbed the remote, we made it look like nothing even remotely close to what had almost happened had even happened at all.

More pounding sounded. "Fieldy! Come on, man! Open uh-huuuup!" Munky whined from outside my door.

I scowled, making a mental note to bring the Tylenol jar to Munky's room next time and headed for the door. I flung it open and glared at him.

"Shut the Hell up, will you? Some people are still trying to sleep..." I grumbled and headed into the bathroom, to get the jar of Tylenol out of my travel bag.

As I searched, I heard Munky greet David.

"Hey, pretty boy... looking more alive this morning, now, aren't we?"

I heard David snort and reply, "more alive than you look, Munk-Dawg."

Munky laughed and I handed him the Tylenol. "Here, knock yourself out." I muttered, wincing inside at my lousy pun. Munky rolled his eyes.

"Riiiiiiight...." he mumbled and then turned around and left. "Check y'all later..."

Once the door shut, David and I glanced at each other. There seemed to be a tense moment, and I didn't like it. I didn't want any tension, any discomfort.

But then, thankfully, David broke the silence by sighing and asking me one of the questions I was dreading answering.

"Why'd you do it, Reg?" he wanted to know.

I nibbled on my tongue, debating what I should say. Should I tell him? Did I really wanna tell him what I felt for him? Did I really want to know?

Or was this the killer question: was I ready to admit I was attracted to another guy?

"Why'd you kiss me, Reg?" David asked again and I cringed at the sentence. He must have seen me cringing for he spoke again, his voice not changing tone. "I'm not mad or nothin... I just wanna know..."

I nodded in understanding. I folded my arms across my chest and stared down at the floor, still trying to figure out how to word this and explain myself. It seemed like such a simple thing to say; I kissed you because I'm attracted to you, David. But yet at the same time, this was probably the most difficult thing I'd ever tried to say.

And really, why was it? Was it because it was him, it was a guy, another guy, one of my best friends, that I was having so much trouble? Or was it something else?

I looked back up at him, feeling his expectant gaze on me. His eyes were almost pleading me to answer him.

"I think you know why, David." I answered, my voice barely over a whisper.

He nodded, but didn't respond at first. A small smile crept its way across his face and I found myself wondering what the smile was for. But before I could even begin to ask him, he stood up off the bed and started for the door. "We better get ready. We're leaving by 1 remember?"

I nodded, but inside, I felt disappointed. He didn't even mention how he felt about all this...

He must've saw the expression on my face, cuz he smiled and flicked at my forehead. "Dude, come on. Don't worry, it don't bother me..." he said.

I looked up at him. "It don't?" I asked, almost in disbelief.

He nodded and then headed for the door. He opened it and then turned to me.

"Let's just say that I know how you feel."

And then, before I could say anything, the door shut behind him.