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How To Become A Witch In Nine Easy Lessons
101 rules of True Satanism

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How To Become A Witch In Nine Easy Lessons In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch; you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to... Rule #1: Image Is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males), dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory--the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town--it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make--but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend. Rule #2: Name Dropping Is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalized Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches, however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other Witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance. Rule #3: Past Life Name Droppinng Is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of Bewitched. Rule #4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch--yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behavior. Previously labelled eccentric behavior patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if the reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "S/he is a Witch, that's normal for them, evidently." So don't let your friends down, behave strangely--you can get away with it! Rule #5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie Warlock (and its sequels) lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointment (read as "mead and weed"). Rule #6: Ready Yourself For Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty, and powerful personas--when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume that you have (and therefore empower you with) these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power--yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers; they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public--hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money, and power--or if it does, but you then find yourself the target of political and legal harrassment--you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick, and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a bunch of campaign organizers. If you can't beat them, try bribery--and if that doesn't work, join them! Rule #7: Atmosphere Is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank, and dusty home; so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like "powdered bat's eyes" or "dried dragon's gonads"). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers everything helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration. Rule #8: Be Patronizing To Christians. In social discussions, don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with. Rule #9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation into Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and thier tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right, once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly-awakened ability to detect ley-lines (but try to remember that a ley-line is not people waiting for the after-ritual orgy!). Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke), pull on those black clothes, give everyone you meet a sinister look--and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be! - by Don McLeod Okay, I'll start by saying that the following is a joke. Its intended audience is Satanists who can appreciate the context entirely from observation, but much of it can also be adlibbed with general pagan practices as a whole. It should be good for a few laughs. 101 rules of True Satanism --------------------------------- Written by Mark Barnett (Infinity of Thought) and Alex Palomino (Refusal of Penance) The following is intended as humor and sarcasm. It should not be taken seriously! 1. Own all books written by Anton LaVey 2. Quote Nietzsche obsessively, but own none of his books. 3. Come up with long, evil sounding nick names like the grand high exalted daemon magister templi rex of the third degree 4. Whenever greeting other Satanists, the only acceptable greeting is Ave. 5. When feeling especially Satanic say Ave Satanas. 6. Pretend Ave Satanas is appropriate Latin. 7. Use Latin as much as possible. It is the Dark Lord's chosen language. 8. Come up with evil sounding screen names for message boards, like goatlord666, infernalbelial9, and Crucifier. 9. End all screen names with 666. 10. If you can't come up with an evil enough sounding screen name placing Lord in front of your own name is acceptable. 11. Own all of Crowley's books and read exactly none of them. 12. Form an online Satanic org with you and your friends and declare yourself the high priest. 13. Give your org a hellish sounding name like The Temple of Unholy Sacrilege, The Evil Church of Satanic Divinity, or, if the name you want is taken, The FIRST Evil Church of Satanic Divinity. 14. Offer members of your org an evil looking certificate or card. 15. Update your org's site once a year- no exceptions! 16. Turn all crosses you see up side down. 17. Make inverted crosses out of random objects. 18. Draw inverted pentagrams on your spiral notebook in math class. 19. Wear all black, all the time! 20. Paint your fingernails black, and don't repaint them until it has all worn off. 21. If your parents let you, paint your room black. 22. Make a Satanic alter using your dresser. 23. Carry your Satanic Bible everywhere you go. 24. Stand up for originality and individualism, but look like every other Satanist. 25. Wear outrageous looking clothes, and then complain when other students make fun of you. 26. Wear Halloween cloaks and capes as your ritual attire. 27. Listen to heavy metal. 28. Make the sign of the horns and bang your head while listening to heavy metal. 29. Make the sign of the horns while looking in the mirror to remind yourself of just how evil you are. 30. Never smile for pictures, and make the sign of the horns. 31. Complain about real world actions with Satanism but spend all day on message boards. 32. Leave your Halloween decorations up year round. 33. Celebrate all Satanic holidays even if you don't know what they are for. 34. Get excited every time your sales receipt comes out to $6.66. 35. Instead of saying oh my god, say oh my Satan. 36. Repeat the Lord's Prayer backwards six times every night before bed. 37. Make long boring posts on message boards that don't go anywhere. 38. Your signature should contain at least six lines not including Hail Satan. 39. Join every online org you come across. 40. Join every e-group and message board you can, post at each one approximately twice. 41. Create your own message board, and only allow your friends access. 42. Make your own Satanic website by ripping off everyone else's. 43. Declare yourself a Modern Satanist, wait a week, declare yourself a traditional Satanist, then revert back to Modern Satanism. 44. When anyone asks you what the difference between traditional and modern Satanism is, simply say: We are all sons of the Dark Lord. 45. Tell all your friends that you follow the Left Hand Path. When asked what that means just stare at them blankly. 46. If it's a dark sounding religion or path, it must be linked to Satanism. Examples include: Vampyrism, Demonolatry, and Chaos Magic. 47. Always spell vampire with a "Y". 48. Name your pets after the Infernal Names. 49. Hang out in cemeteries after dark. 50. Stir up trouble in Christian chat rooms. 51. Always spell Christian as Xtian. 52. I know what your altar is missing, a fake skull. 53. Cover your car's bumper with Satanic bumper stickers. Act surprised when they get ripped off. 54. Own Satanic clothing and jewelry; only wear them indoors when your parents are not home. 55. Start fights with other Satanic orgs because they are not true enough. 56. Claim to have secret knowledge of ancient occult mysteries. 57. Offer viewing of these ancient secrets for a small, nonrefundable fee. 58. Claim that you come from a long line of devil worshippers and that LaVeyans are not true. 59. Get ordained at the Universal Life Church (ULC) 60. Attempt to gain tax exemption. 61. When passing Jehovah's Witnesses on the road, yell "God is dead" out the window while giving the sign of the horns. 62. Post on message boards with more than one screen name. Use one alias to back up the other's arguments. 63. Blame all your troubles on God. When something good happens yell Hail Satan. 64. Pretend online curses are intimidating. 65. Dye your hair black. 666. Try to obtain a pet goat. 66. Rewrite the Nine Satanic Statements, Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, and Nine Satanic sins. 67. Claim to be writing the next Satanic Bible. 68. Tell everyone you are the new "Black Pope". 69. Remember, Satanists are easy to make money off of. Sell Satanic paraphernalia at ridiculous prices. 70. Cheap Halloween accessories are an inexpensive source of ritual tools. 71. Bash Wiccans but own at least one Wiccan/Pagan book. 72. Read Harry Potter books. 73. When you have a strange dream, it must be significant, tell others immediately. 74. Use white out to draw inverted pentagrams on your backpack straps. 75. Cast curses on the bullies at school. 76. When someone asks you what's the significance of the Baphomet, tell them that it's a dark secret and cannot be revealed to outsiders. 77. Re-read The Satanic Bible, this time make sure to get past the second page. 78. Master the Enochian language. 79. Read Might is Right and wonder why it seems so familiar. 80. End all emails with Shemhamphorash. 81. If asked what Shemhamphorash means, stare blankly. 82. Don't spell Satan as S8N. 83. Start yet another Satanic group in Canada. 84. Claim ruler ship over the city your group resides in. 85. "Misplace" bibles from motel rooms. 86. Hang an up-side-down cross from your rearview mirror. 87. Call your phone company and request a phone number beginning with 666. 88. Own a pet snake. 89. Black cats also make acceptable pets. 90. Create a website using lots of graphics from Hellishgraphics.com 91. Play role-playing games obsessively. 92. Make it your life's quest to uncover the secret occult meaning behind "Yankee Rose". 93. Pretend the line between Thelema and Satanism does not exist. 94. Shave your head and grow a goatee. 95. Refer to your small collection of occult books as a library. 96. The only acceptable colors for your altar candles are black, white, and if feeling especially grim - red. 97. All true Satanists collect fantasy weapons off of ebay. 98. Makes plans to build an actual Satanic church. 99. If that does not work out make plans to open an occult book/coffee shop. 100. Hang out in the occult/new age section of the bookstore waiting for other dark brethren to arrive. 101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been jerking off in a cemetery while worshiping Satan somewhere?! For shame!!!