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THE ODD FILES
HERE I GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TO LOOK OVER SOME MISCELANOUS FILES.
ALL OF IT IS HERE ON THIS ONE PAGE, NOT IN ANY ORDER.
HUMOUR MIXED IN WITH OTHER ITEMS, MINGLING FREELY AMONGST EACH OTHER,
DARK THOUGTS RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH FLEETING SMILES AND SWIFT MERRY
THOUGHTS.
FIRST IS A MINOR BLESSING FOR ALL NEW AGERS OUT THERE.
Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
NEXT IS A WITTY PIECE ABOUT A CERTAIN MEDIA MOGUL.
Warning! Bill Gates may be the next antichrist
Revelation 13:18 says:
Here is wisdom.
Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast.
For it is the number of a man:
His number is 666.
The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order
of third (3rd)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII- values
which are used in computers) you will get the following:
B I L L G A T E S 3
66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666
Daniel 7:23 says:
"Thus he said:
'The fourth beast shall be
A fourth kingdom on Earth,
Which shall be different from all other kingdoms,
And shall devour the whole Earth,
Trample it and break it in pieces.
Current history knows three antichrists:
Adolf Hitler
Joseph Stalin
The Pope
Is the fourth beast Microsoft corporation which represents the power of
money?
Revelation 13:16 and 13:18 says:
He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to
receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads...
and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the
beast, or the number of his name.
"Windows compatible?" *
SOME OF MY FRIENDS WERE AND ARE SOLDIERS.
THEY ALERTED ME TO THE NEXT ARTICLE.
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT OPERATIONS
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to
waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be
known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat
zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially
during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more
than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous
amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it;
it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit,
never sit when you can lie down,
never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a
map and a compass.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
Colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss.
Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to
be repaired.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
(in boot camp)
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down,
the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know
what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism.
To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that
billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo,
the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack.
When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the
Medal of Honor.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
Root Beer Math --> 2 Root beers times 37 men equals 49 packs.
Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37
enemies killed in action.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than
your jumping range.
All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness
of its outfit and appearance.
The crucial round is a dud.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the
enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
If your ambush is properly set,
the enemy won't walk into it.
If your flank march is going well,
the enemy expects you to outflank him.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is
ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his
position in the hierarchy
(as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General
is watching.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast
on an unsecured channel.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight,
your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away,
and your canteen always lands at your feet.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional
to the distance to any form of cover.
Walking point = sniper bait.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of
marching that day.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is
usually a stupid solution.
All or any of the above combined.
SOME OF MY FRIENDS ARE TOP NOTCH COMPUTER BUFFS.
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE THEY SAY IS A TRUE LIFE STORY.
The Lost Helecopter by Angus McGyver
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation
andcommunications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct, but completely
useless answer." *
MY MUSIC TASTES VARY A LITTLE.
FROM POUNDING TECHNO METAL TO SOFT SOOTHING GREGOREAN CHANTS.
THE FOLLOWING ITEM IS A SONGS SOME ONE GAVE TO ME AT A LOCAL GOTH
NIGHT CLUB.
On the first day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") a bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the second day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") two manic panics and a bat hanging from a
dead tree.
On the third day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") three jars of clown white two manic
panics and a bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the fourth day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") four spiky collars three jars of clown white
two manic panics and a bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the fifth day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") FIVE VELVET CAPES!!!!! four spiky collars
three jars of clown white two manic panics and a bat hanging from a
dead tree.
On the sixth day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") six overcoats FIVE VELVET CAPES!!!!! four
spiky collars three jars of clown white two manic panics and a bat
hanging from a dead tree
On the seventh day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") seven sets of fangs six overcoats FIVE VELVET
CAPES!!!!! four spiky collars three jars of clown white two manic
panics and a bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the eighth day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") eight merry widows seven sets of fangs six
overcoats FIVE VELVET CAPES!!!!! four spiky collars three jars of
clown white two manic panics and a bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the nineth day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") nine DJs weeping eight merry widows seven sets
of fangs six overcoats FIVE VELVET CAPES!!!!! four spiky collars
three jars of clown white two manic panics and a bat hanging from a
dead tree.
On the tenth day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") ten long black nails nine DJs weeping eight
merry widows seven sets of fangs six overcoats FIVE VELVET CAPES!!!!!
four spiky collars three jars of clown white two manic panics and a
bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the eleventh day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me
("But I'm not a goth!") eleven poseurs posing ten long black nails
nine DJs weeping eight merry widows seven sets of fangs six overcoats
FIVE VELVET CAPES!!!!! four spiky collars three jars of clown white
two manic panics and a bat hanging from a dead tree.
On the twelve day of Gothmas Andrew Eldritch gave to me (
TAKE A LOOK HERE (X) TO SEE A PICTURE OF ME
AS A BABY...
MY VIEWS OF RELEGION AND THE OCCULT ARE MIXED AND VARIED.
WHEN I WAS BORED I FOUND THAT THE little VOICES IN MY HEAD WERE
TELLING ME A NAME.
I HARKENED AND FOUND A GOD.
BUT NOT THE NORMAL KIND OF GOD...
ok, heres what you do.
1) take the first three letters from any of the below specified list
thingies (or the last three if you like)
2) use only three to five list thingy bits
3) add the three letters to each other in order from the words taken
4) hey presto, you got your own true gods name.
The list thingies.
A) the name of your fav drink
B) the name of your fav dish of food
C) the name of your fav group/artist/band
D) the name of your fav sport
E) the name of your fav person
F) the name of your fav friend
G) the name fo your least fav friend
H) the name of your least fav person
I) the name of your least fav sport
J) the name of your least fav group/artist/band
K) the name of your least fav dish of food
L) the name of your least fav drink
M) the maiden name of your mother
N) the first name of your mother
O) the surname of your father
P) the first name of your father
Q) your fav colour
R) your least fav colour
S) your star sign
T) your religion
U) any nick name you have
V) any nick name from a freind
W) any object in sight
X) the nearest city to you
Z) whats on your mouse mat.
i got COLGAROTHIALMES from
A) COLa
Z) GARfeild
J) gOTH
J) industrIAL
H) ME
then i added an S to make it even better. simple.
MY GOD, COLGAROTHIALMES, TELLS ME ALL KINDS OF THINGS. BUT OFTEN HE
SITS IN THE DARKENED CORNER ROCKING BACK AND FORTH TO THE MANIC MUSIC
GETTING HYPER ON COLA.
THANKFULLY I'M NOT RELEGIOUS...
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I PLAY BATTLE TECH AND HEAVY GEAR.
SOME TIME AGO ONE OF MY FELLOW PLAYERS POINTED ME TO AN OLD
MECHWARRIOR SITE.
I SADLY DON'T RECALL THE SITE NAME OR IT'S ADDRESS. BUT HERE IS A LIST
WHICH MAY BE USEFUL FOR YOU.
WAYS TO MODIFY YOUR MECH
--LEATHER UPHOLSTERY
--FUZZY DICE
--ICE CHEST NEXT TO COCKPIT HEATSINK, FILLED WITH ‘BUD’
--TINTED WINDOWS
--FLAME DECALS ON SIDES TO ATTRACT THE ‘BABES’
--LICENSE PLATE: 0U812 OR T1H2H0
--NAVSAT PICKS UP DIRTY CHANNELS
--GUN RACK
--SPOILERS
--CHROME EXHAUST MANIFOLD
--TRAILER HITCH ON BACK
--LUGGAGE RACK OVER TACTICAL TARGETING MODUAL
--3 YEAR OR 30,000 MILE SERVICE CONTRACT
--PLAYS DIXIE WHEN YOU HONK THE HORN
--BORED OUT CYLINDERS (TO INCREASE HORSE POWER BY 23.4%)
--WAFFLE IRON OVER FUSION REACTOR
--NEON LIGHT STRIPS ON FEET FOR CRUISING AT NIGHT
--REALLY BIG GLOVE COMPARTMENT
--GAME BOY UNDER FIRE CONTROL SYSTEM
--CLAPPER HOOKED UP TO EJECTION SYSTEM
--PERSONABLE TARGETING COMPUTER THAT CRITIQUES BATTLE PERFORMANCE
--NEON GREEN WINDSHIELD WIPERS
--KING CAB (SLEEPS 4 IN COMFORT)
--NANCY REAGAN VIDEO PLAYED AFTER MECH FALLS DOWN INFORMING PILOTS TO
“JUST SAY NO”
--HOOKER TRACKING SYSTEM FOR EXTENDED DUTY IN URBAN ENVIRONMENT
--CLINT EASTWOOD SAMPLES PLAYED OUT OVER LOAD SPEAKERS
--ARNIE SAMPLES PLAYED OUT OVER LOAD SPEAKERS
--FLIGHT OF THE VALKRIE PLAYED WHEN JUMP-JETS ARE ENGAGED
--FRIENDLY MESSAGE THAT INFORMS THE PILOT “RADIATION SEAL IS BROKEN,
YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE BORN WITH TWO HEADS, HAVE A NICE DAY”
--CRUISE CONTROL
--STROBE LIGHTS MOUNTED ON FEET (FOR THE INFANTRY)
--CEILING MOUNTED LICORICE DISPENCER
--DIRECT COM LINK TO PIZZA HUT (URBAN MECH ONLY)
--BUMPER STICKER READING, “MECHS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, I DO!!”
--SPECIAL VOICE ADDED TO SCANNERS WHEN PICKING UP ENEMY UNITS GOES
“DANGER, DANGER (INSERT PILOT NAME HERE)”
--WOOL SEAT COVERING COMMAND COUCH FOR THOSE WHO STICK TO LEATHER
--DISCO BALL HANGING FROM ALL LASER WEAPONRY
--NODDING DOG ON MISSILE RACKS
--THRUSH MUFFLER FOR THAT ‘AWESOME’ SOUND (PUN INTENDED)
HERE IS A NEAT DOWNLOAD TO HELP YOU RELAX IN THE WORK PLACE AFTER A
STRESSFULL MORNING...
Stress
THE NEXT THING IS A TRUE WORK OF CATERING ART.
A LIST WITH ABSOLUTLY SQUILLIONS OF DIFFERENT WAYS TO GET A COFFEE
CAFFEINE FIX!!!
Americano: Also known as a Caffe Americano. An espresso diluted with
hot water, ideal for the lactose-intolerant.
Barista: Espresso bartender.
Breve: Short for Expresso Breve. Expresso with half-n-half or other
semi-skimmed milk.
Caffe Amaretto: Latte with almond syrup.
Caffe Au Lait: French style, with coffee and boiled milk poured
simultaneously into a cup. Also referred to as a "Café Au Lait," if
you want to use the proper "French" spelling, vs. the Italian spelling
(Caffe).
Caffe Con Leche: 1 1/2 ounce espresso with enough steamed milk to fill
an 8-ounce cup. Also referred to as a "Café Con Leche," if you want to
use the proper "Spanish" spelling, in this case, vs. the Italian
spelling (Caffe).
Caffe Con Panna: Demitasse of espresso topped by a dollop of whipped
cream. Also called an Espresso Con Panna.
Caffe Corretto: Also known an Espresso Corretto. Corretto means
"corrected." Refers to adding cognac or some other liqueur.
Caffe Creme: Also know as an Espresso Creme. 1 1/2 ounce of espresso
with an ounce of heavy cream. Also referred to as a "Café Crème."
Caffe Freddo: Chilled espresso in a glass, sometimes with ice.
Caffe Latte: Also known simply as a Latte. An espresso made with
steamed milk, topped by foamed milk. The most popular espresso drink.
Also the default espresso: if you ask for a "double tall," for instance,
you'll get a double tall latte.
Caffe Medici: A doppio poured over chocolate syrup and orange
(and sometimes lemon) peel, usually topped with whipped cream.
The Last Exit, now gone, was one of the few places in town where you
could get one of these.
Caffe Mocha: Also known simply as a Mocha. A latte with chocolate.
Methods of preparation can vary, some using steamed chocolate milk,
others adding chocolate to a latte. One variation tops it with whipped
cream, with cocoa powder as a garnish.
Cake in a Cup: Double cream, double sugar. Also called a Double Double.
Cappuccino: A shot of straight espresso with foamed milk ladled on top.
Cher Sugar: With Equal.
Demitasse: Small cup for serving espresso straight, no chaser.
Doppio: The hip way to request a double.
Double: An espresso made from a double shot, approximately 1 1/2 - 2 ounces.
Double Cup: An espresso served in two cups, just in case one cup might
be too hot to handle.
Double Double: Double cream, double sugar.
Drip: A regular coffee.
Dry: Sans steamed milk (just foamed milk).
Espresso: Approximately a one-ounce shot of espresso made from Arabica
beans, as opposed to Robusta beans, which are used in making regular
coffee. Arabica beans, by the way, have about half the caffeine of
Robusta beans.
Espresso Breve: Espresso with half-n-half or other semi-skimmed milk.
Espresso Lungo: This one uses a long pull, to squeeze the max from the
bean. Some think it gives a stronger brew, others just a more bitter
one.
Espresso Macchiato: Espresso with just a dollop of steamed milk on top.
Espresso Ristretto: A shorter or "restricted" pull. Creates a thicker
drink.
Foamless: Sans foamed milk.
Frappuccino: A concoction developed by Starbucks, basically an iced or
chilled cappuccino. Various recipes for this are floating around the
Web (the actual recipe is a secret). Starbucks has also come out with
a bottled version. From what I've been able to gather, it is coffee
beverage made out of either espresso or regular coffee, milk, sugar,
ice, and other miscellaneous optional ingredients. The bottled version
may be served chilled (no ice). Also called a Frap (or Frappe).
Grande: 16-ounce cup.
Granita: Latte with frozen milk. ((icecream))
Half-Caf: Half decaf.
Harmless: If you want a decaf espresso, just say you want it "harmless."
Latte: The default espresso. Ask for a "half-caf," for instance, and
you'll get half-decaf latte. Short for Caffe Latte. An espresso made
with steamed milk, topped by foamed milk.
Mochaccino: A cappuccino with chocolate.
No Fun: A decaf, non-fat latte. Also called a skinny harmless or a why
bother.
On a Leash: To go, with handles.
Quad: Four shots, a double-double, in other words.
Rice Dream Latte: A latte made with Rice Dream, instead of milk.
Short: 8-ounce cup.
Shot: Equivalent to a single. A double would be two shots.
Shot in the Dark: A regular coffee with a shot of espresso in it.
Also called a Speed Ball.
Single: An espresso made from a single shot, approximately 3/4 - 1 ounce.
Shot in the Dark: A cup of regular coffee with espresso. See also
called a Speed Ball.
Skinny: If you want a latte made with nonfat or skim milk, just say
you want it "skinny."
Skinny Harmless: A non-fat, decaf latte. Also called a Why Bother.
Soy Latte: A latte made with soy milk, instead of milk.
Speed Ball: A cup of regular coffee with espresso. Not to be confused
with the drug-slang term for a shot of heroin mixed with cocaine.
Tall: 12-ounce cup.
Thunder Thighs: Supposedly, a double-tall mocha made with whole milk
and topped with extra whipped cream.
Triple: Three shots, for those for whom a double just doesn't offer
enough of a jolt.
Unleaded: Decaf.
Venti: A 20 oz. cup at Starbucks, apparently (taller than a tall, I guess).
Wet: Sans foamed milk (steamed milk only).
Whipless: Sans whipped cream.
Why Bother: A decaf, non-fat latte, or skinny harmless.
With Legs: A cup with handles.
With Room: With space left at top of cup for either adding cream or
preventing spills (while driving 70 mph down the freeway with a latte
between one's legs!).
With Wings: A cup with handles.
Without: Sans foam.
OH YEAH, ONE LAST THING BEFORE I GO  YOU CAN GO BACK HOME BUT I'M SURE YOU REALLY DON'T WANNA DO THAT. |
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