Chapter Eighteen: The Humanity Of It All

* “Explain to me how you can be so picky about your food, but not care about your appearance?” Hiiro suddenly asked Serena. Both of them were sitting around the small table in their room again, with small steaks sitting in front of them. Room service had brought them exactly what they had ordered, but still Hiiro had been sitting and watching Serena pick at her food. The blonde woman looked up, her eyes large in surprise, and Hiiro felt a chuckle arise in the back of his throat. She looked like a little girl that had just gotten caught doing something bad.

“Excuse me?” She asked. It wasn’t that she hadn’t heard him… she just couldn’t believe he had asked that question! How… rude! Why would he ask something like that?

“You’re picking at your food like it’s poisoned. I would have already told you if it was. What’s wrong with it?”

“That is not what you asked me. You asked why I’m pickier about my food than I am about my clothes.” She narrowed her wide eyes slightly. “I can’t believe you even said that!” Hiiro shrugged.

“It was an observation. Was it inaccurate?” Serena flushed.

“That’s not the point! So what if I don’t like the fat? So what if I like my meat cooked brown? That’s a matter of personal preference. And maybe I don’t like salad… I didn’t think that was a crime.”

“I’ve never met a woman who didn’t eat salad. The ones I know practically live off of it.”

“Don’t categorize me as ‘most women’. I most certainly am not ‘most women’.”

“The stereo type exists for a reason. I know you aren’t part of it; I’m just observing.”

“You already said that. And what I’m saying is don’t observe.” She took a bite of steak and chewed for a moment in a flurry of silence. Then she swallowed hard and looked directly at Hiiro, singling him out with her eyes.

Hiiro suddenly stopped mid-bite. The feeling of Serena’s molten sapphire eyes trained on his every move made him very self-conscious. In fact, he couldn’t concentrate with her staring at him like that! “What?” He glared back.

“Why does my appearance make a difference to you anyway? Why would you say something like that? That I don’t care? Who says I don’t?” She asked slowly. The look on her face was… dare he think it… one of hurt?

“When we first met, you didn’t seem to care.” Hiiro shrugged. “And now you’re fitting in. Why bother fitting in here when you didn’t bother in the time we came from? It just struck me as a break in a character trait.”

“So now not caring about my appearance is a character trait of mine?”

“You’re angry.” It was not a question; it was wonderment. Hiiro had never seen her like this. It was like she was trying to pick a fight.

“Nonsense. I don’t get angry over my appearance.” The blush gracing her cheeks told Hiiro otherwise. “I can’t quite grasp the concept of why you care, that’s all.”

“I don’t.”

“You do, otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything.”

“I just found it to be uncharacteristic that you care to fit in here and not at home.” Hiiro shifted. The room was getting a little humid. Maybe he should get up and open a window…

“And you tried to fit in at home too, did you? Because the way I see it, you’re doing the same thing.” Serena narrowed her eyes. Hiiro was testing a difficult subject.

As long as she could remember when she had been younger, Serena had wanted to fit in with the other girls in her classes. She had wanted to, but had never been able to. Her family hadn’t had enough money to pay for new clothes every year. They had barely managed to pay the bills and eat one meal a day, let alone keep shoes on their feet. And how was she to be popular with those hyenas heckling at every other girl if they came to school so much as once with mismatched socks?

So what if she had never had enough money to dress herself the same way as most women? So what? Why should that matter? She was a successful scholar, an acclaimed historian who was famous world and space wide. Why should how she dressed effect anything?

“You’re right. I didn’t give a damn when we were in the future. The others didn’t care though.” Hiiro agreed after some thought.

“Others? The Preventers that were in the Winner Mansion?”

“The men and women you met, yes.”

“I felt the same way about my colleagues. They didn’t care how I looked, so why bother putting on a show for them?”

“Whom did you work with? I don’t recall hearing any other names along side yours for any awards.” Serena flushed a deep crimson.

“Alright. So my cats didn’t care how I looked. The point I was trying to make was: you are doing the same thing I am, why should it matter?”

“Why didn’t you try to fit in when we were in the future? You could have, easily. Why are you scared of people?”

“I’m not scared of people!” She snapped. Hiiro had lost all interest in his meal as he watched Serena’s face going through her range of emotions. She was still blushing, but her cheeks were blotchy, and her eyes were glassy. She was very hurt by this conversation, whether she was willing to admit it or not, and he wanted to know why.

“You are. When we first met, you couldn’t say more than yes or no. It’s taken numerous life-endangering situations just for us to make progress to the discussion part of a relationship.”

“So now we have a relationship? You were upset that the woman at the front desk thought we were married!” Serena huffed in disbelief. And then she reveled in Hiiro’s deep blush.

“I didn’t mean that kind of relationship. What I meant was in a professional partnership, it has taken us up until now to have average discussions.”

“You certainly didn’t seem to have these ‘discussions’ with your friends at home! They told me I would just have to get used to your rude silence, like they did. You are no better than I am when it comes to dealing with people! So what if I hate dealing with vultures that suck the life out of every last thing? So what if I don’t want to be laughed at by a bunch of lemmings and hyenas? You’re not so very different!”

“I can deal with them when necessary. You, on the other hand, completely shut yourself off from the rest of the world. You could fit in, should you so choose to.”

“So could you.” Serena countered.

“I couldn’t.”

“You already do.”

“I don’t. And I never will.” Hiiro shook his head. This was not so fun anymore.

“The tables have turned, Mr. Hiiro Yui. Why couldn’t you ever fit in? You could just as easily as I. More so! At least you already have friends to accept you, no matter what you’re like. I have nothing and no one. So tell me, just how is it that you will never be able to fit in, unlike me, who could at any time so should I choose to?”

“It’s complicated.” Serena watched the man in front of her begin to stand and walk towards the window, but she wasn’t going to let him escape that easily. Pushing her chair out, she grabbed his arm.

Instantly she found herself being grabbed, pressed hard against the wall, and her wrists pinned together above her head. She yelped, but bit her tongue and vowed she would not let him intimidate her. And then, just as quickly as she had found herself up against the wall, Hiiro had released her.

Serena let her gaze follow him to their window, which he opened, and then looked at the sliding glass doors of the balcony. She watched him move towards them, and then with ease slip outside and turn his back to her, gazing into the sunset sky. Not to be deterred, Serena quickly collected herself and followed.

“That is why I can never fit in.” Hiiro said after they had been standing in silence for nearly twenty minutes.

“Your trained reaction?” Serena expanded tentatively. Hiiro nodded.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” He turned his body towards her, but left his eyes trained on the setting sun. The pinks, oranges, and purples lighting the sky were bright in the distance, and the shimmering white orange of the dying orb flickered faintly as it dipped and dropped below the horizon line.

“No.” Serena whispered. Hiiro finally let his eyes meet hers. “And even if you did… Wouldn’t that take me one step closer to finding my humanity?” Hiiro frowned.

“I’m not so sure anymore. I used to believe pain reminded me I was mortal, that I was human. But now… I’m so used to it that I hardly feel it. If I can’t feel pain, how am I supposed to remember what I am?”
“Are you suggesting pain and suffering are not what make us human?” Serena took a step closer to Hiiro, a light frown playing on her full, rosy lips.

“Partially.”

“Does that mean that all of the men and women who have died in the past, and will die in the future, are dying for nothing? That they are dying and never achieving humanity?”

You once said that dying was the ultimate pain, thus bringing the ultimate humanity. And then you finished by asking how anyone can be human if they are dead. Well, this would answer that. Pain and suffering are part of finding humanity. But death strips us of it. Perhaps we find humanity through other means as well?”

“Such as? Hiiro, I’m a historian, not a social psychoanalyst, or whatever they call themselves. I like facts, I like tactics, I like researching things I can see, taste, touch, and hear. I like solid proof and evidence. Humanity? There is nothing to prove anything about humanity in any documents except for the fact that throughout our race’s existence we have defined ourselves through fights, battles, and wars. That is humanity, the cunning and willingness to hunt our own down. Are we even sure we want to be human?” She rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself in the cooling night air.

One or two crickets began to chirp in the distance, their music echoing hauntingly in the dark. Hiiro watched her small, bandaged hands rub her arms, and pulled his coat off, draping it lightly around her petite frame. Serena nodded her thanks silently, and looked up. Hiiro began to speak again.

“We don’t have a choice—we’re human regardless of what we do now. And can you honestly tell me that in the midst of all the fighting there was never any free time? Any enjoyment, any aid given to those who were suffering?”

“No, of course not.”

“Well then, isn’t that part of humanity as well?”

“Of course. But the want to fight and dominate is a more dominate characteristic of humanity as a whole.”

“Or maybe we’ve been looking at it from the wrong angle. Say I kiss you. Does that make me less of a human? Because it’s pleasurable, not painful? Doesn’t it still produce an emotion, regardless of which?” Hiiro slowly reached out and traced Serena’s jaw line with his fingertips as gently as possible.

“I never thought of it that way. And maybe it is painful? You’ve never kissed me, how do you know?” Serena breathed. Neither was quite aware of what they were saying anymore, but both were fully aware of the attraction they felt towards each other.

“I don’t.” Hiiro’s voice became a low growl. “I could… always… try it?”

“An experiment? Research? For humanity’s sake?”

“For humanity’s sake.” Hiiro nodded his head dubiously. And then he bent his head and let his lips crush Serena’s. Very, very softly, he pecked her lips once, twice, thrice. And then he began to press harder.

Serena allowed his kisses, and when he began to make her dizzy with desire, she finally submitted. Inexperienced as they both were, neither had any problems in figuring out what to do. It naturally flowed between the two of them, the way conversation, the way life, usually did. When they broke, both avoided eye contact, afraid of the other seeing their blushing cheeks.

“Was, was it painful?” Serena managed to ask.

“No. I feel more alive than I’ve felt in years. More alive than any pain has ever made me feel.”

“Really?” Serena licked her lips, and Hiiro’s eyes wandered towards her pink tongue as it wagged back and forth in front of him for a moment. Hiiro wasn’t thinking straight. She was… magnificent. Serena… dark, quiet, pretty, smart… everything about her attracted him with a power that he could hardly fathom. They thought the same way, they understood each other… it was all so instinctive and innate around her that it blew his mind. The next thing Hiiro knew, he was leaning in for another kiss. Raping her mouth, he pulled her in closer; hugging her body tighter to his in a desperate attempt to assure himself she was real.

Serena felt herself go weak at the knees, but managed to hold on to a few of her wits long enough to begin kissing back. Slowly, she let her mouth move as Hiiro led her in the kiss. So violently was she being pierced by every sensation that coursed through her body that she could not begin to concentrate. A soft moan caught in her throat, and only stimulated her further. Hiiro was so forceful, so demanding; yet at the same time he was gentle. Serena knew how powerful he could be if he wanted to… but he wasn’t. He was controlled, and sweet, and it all felt so good…

Breaking for air, Hiiro pulled away slightly and pecked Serena’s forehead. Then he pulled her in for a tight hug, breathing in the clean scent her hair still emitted. Leaning down, he breathed on her earlobe, and could feel her begin to tremble in his arms at the mere anticipation.

“Serena…” He murmured her name.

“I can’t remember what we were arguing about.” She whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. Hiiro kissed her ear, and Serena could feel his body vibrating as he did so. A deep chuckle soon followed, and she smiled, knowing he was laughing.

“I think I just proved my point.”

“And that point was?”

“Humanity is defined by more than pain. Pleasure helps too…”

“Does that mean we’re human? I mean, in the deeper sense of the word, not the literal sense.”

“Serena? In all honesty? I don’t give a damn about humanity anymore.”

“Funny. Me either.” She smiled softly. Then she pulled out of his hold.

“Did I hurt you?” Hiiro asked in concern. Her moves had been sudden and not what he had expected. Not to mention, he had thought she was comfortable in his arms. He had been comfortable…

“Sorry.” She muttered. “I’m still a little sore from our encounter with those soldiers.”

“Your head you mean?” Hiiro frowned when Serena shook her head.

“No. I still have bruises from when I was shot in my stomach. That and those doctors… when I woke up from the coma, they started sticking me with a whole bunch of needles and doing tests. My head feels all right though. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You never told me how many times you were shot… do you even know?”

“Well, I know you were on top of me, trying to take the brunt of the force—”

“After I was knocked out, how many times were you shot?”

“Three I think, all in the side. The doctors said it was why I was in a coma, because I had lost so much blood.”

“And you still have bruises?”

“Yes. They’re almost gone though. It’s mostly just sore.”

“Now explain to me your hands. I meant to ask earlier… No, I know how it happened. Why didn’t you say anything sooner? About your hands? Or your stomach for that matter?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think it was all that important. It’s just a few cuts and bruises, nothing life threatening. I’d forgotten about my hands anyway; they don’t hurt.”

“You mean you thought I wouldn’t care that you were injured.” Hiiro stepped back and dropped gaze to the side.

“You have to admit Hiiro, neither of us really like to admit to pain. And neither of us would normally care about someone else who was injured.”

“You would care if I was hurt.”

“Of course I would care! Do you know how upset I was when I saw that you got yourself beaten up just to see me when I woke from that stupid coma? In fact, do you know what it was like to suddenly see you alive? My god! I was just getting used to the fact that you had probably died, and then you show up, beaten to a pulp. I cared, I won’t even begin to deny it!” Serena looked at Hiiro, and he could tell he had touched upon a delicate subject. She cared that much?

“And I care that you’re injured.” He swallowed hard, cursing to himself. This was… never expected. Of all the things he had possibly accounted for on this trip, he had never planned to grow to care for someone the way he cared for Serena. So long had he built up his barriers against the outside world, so long had he protected himself from all the pain that he might possibly experience in an emotional form, and now… none of his comrades had ever worried him. But they could take care of themselves. This was different for some reason, so very different.

“You care?” Serena whispered. Hiiro nodded. “Thank you.”

“The fifties aren’t what I thought I would find.” Hiiro finally broke their tension filled silence.

“You thought they were the perfect time?” Serena grasped Hiiro’s hand and gently began to rub her thumb over it soothingly in small circles.

“Maybe.” Hiiro turned his head away. How could he describe what he had once believed? “You know I’m Preventer Zero. Did anyone ever mention my other nickname?”

“No. I didn’t know much about you—except that you were the top Preventer, and the most feared. And I can see why. You’re a strong man Hiiro.”

“I’m tired of being strong Serena.” Hiiro sighed, letting his head drop. Placing his forehead on her shoulder, he allowed Serena’s tiny hands to wander uncertainly through his long, messy, chocolate locks.

“Tired of being strong? But being strong like you are, it’s a gift. It’s a blessing. You never have to worry about being hurt, physically or emotionally. You’re safe.”

“I’m not. Serena, there is no way anyone could ever understand how tired I am. Since I was born I’ve been an emotionless child, forced to do what I was told, never making conscious choices and decisions for myself. I felt nothing when I killed. I felt nothing when I bled. I felt nothing when I died at the end of the war. But I’m still here, in this never-ending cycle of torture. Every bone in my body just begs for rest. My muscles groan every time I move, and my heart pumps like a dead weight. I need something more in my life. I can’t be strong anymore, I’m ready to snap in half.” Serena could feel Hiiro’s arms slip around her waist and hold her tighter. Her fingers kept their same slow and steady pace as they brushed through his hair, soothing him into a peaceful rage.

“But you feel alive. Don’t you remember that feeling?” She asked him carefully.

“I feel pain. I don’t have any more strength to spend on blocking out emotions. All the pain I missed growing up is suddenly impacting me, and I don’t know what to do with it. I thought coming to the fifties would change things. I did research, I searched for the era people were most content, and the fifties won out by a majority.”

“Only because most of the social upheaval was restrained until the sixties! Hiiro, the peaceful fifties were always a myth. In every time, in every decade, millennium in every world and universe, there has never been and never will be a peaceful, perfect society. We are humans, we were born with the inevitable trait to protect our own interests, even when it comes down to fighting, killing, eradication, and extinction.”

“But I wanted to believe otherwise Sere.”

“We can’t live shrouded in a lie. Otherwise we’re a lie ourselves. Hiiro, you’re so real to me. In fact, you’re the first real person I’ve ever met. You’re the only one whom I’m ever felt a connection with. You understand the way my mind works, the way I understand yours. We have an unspoken bond… do you really want to give that up for a lie?” *

~~~This is wrapping up… sorry to add to the tear fest! Please do review; I could do with a little cheering up as of late! Much love, Vixen~~~