Chapter Fifteen: Probe, Analyze, and Dissect This

*“Carl, may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Bertha. What’s the matter?” Carl smiled warmly at her, and then frowned. “No one giving you trouble I hope?”

“Actually, things have been very quiet lately- too quiet. That’s what I wanted to speak you about.”

“Really? I should think you would appreciate the silence.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I do, I really do. It’s just… I have to be worried about it. Even Serena has been quiet lately. Ever since you had her and Hiiro separated…”

“So it worked then?”

“Well, I have to admit. I don’t think this is a good idea. Serena has been unusually complacent lately. It’s almost as if she doesn’t care one way or another. She eats without complaining, rarely speaks to anyone, never causes any disturbances, doesn’t lose her temper, in fact, come to think of it, she hasn’t smiled, smirked, frowned, or shown any sign of emotion in almost three days. I’m getting worried.”

“No emotion?” Carl rubbed his chin; worry lay in his eyes.

“None. She’s like a stick.”

“And Hiiro? How has he been?”

“The same. No emotion. No temper. Nothing.”

“I think it’s time I had a chat with both of them. Separately of course.”

“Of course. Thank you.”

“It’s my job. As Serena once pointed out, I picked this profession, no one else.” Bertha smiled.

“She does have a few good insights occasionally, doesn’t she?”

“I have a feeling that if she would only open up to me, she would have a good many more.”

“I’ll send them in… now?”

“Sure. Now’s as good a time as any other.” Bertha left Carl’s office in high spirits. She knew that something was going on between Serena and Hiiro- spoken or unspoken, contact or no contact, and now it was finally going to be revealed. Honestly? It had been bothering her. What had they possibly been doing with each other when they were constantly monitored and separated? But they were acting too similar for any other possibilities to be considered.

The first one of the two she came across was Serena. “Serena, Doctor Carl would like to see you.” She told the petite girl.

“Alright.” Serena conceded easily. Bertha shuddered. Something was wrong. She watched as the blonde zombie disappeared around the corner of the hallway, heading towards the doctor’s office. Then she headed to find Hiiro.

She found him sitting and staring out a window, sketch book in hand. And to think he had nearly refused to do any sort of art when he had first joined them. Now he could hardly be separated from his drawings.

“Hiiro, Doctor Carl would like to see you now instead of your originally scheduled time.”

“Very well.” He nodded. Instantly he dropped his pad and pencil and stalked off towards the doctor’s office.

When Hiiro arrived, he found Serena was standing outside the office door, waiting to be seen as well.

“Serena.” He felt his heartbeat speed up, his stomach flip, and mind grow fuzzy. He leaned up against the wall beside her, and fought the urge to put his arm around her waist and drag her into him. Somehow he doubted she would appreciate it- and he would get in trouble with the doctor as well… not something he needed right now. But he wanted to touch her…

“Hiiro.” Serena flushed slightly, but managed a small smile on her part for him. “I’ve missed seeing you.”

“It’s only been a day…” He told her.

“I know. But… well, I always seem to want things more badly when they’re forbidden.” He smirked.

“I know what you mean.”

“I started painting your mobile suit.”

“I have a new drawing to give you.”

“I’d love to see it. Did you sign it for me?” She asked, her blue eyes wide with hope.

“Yes. It’s not with me though, it’s in my sketch book.”

“Drop it in the garbage, I’ll pick it up.” He nodded, and felt the urge to laugh. Suddenly the heavy oak door to the office began to open, and the two jumped apart.

“Serena, Hiiro, you’re both here! Well, I’ll talk to Serena first. Hiiro, I’ll be with you soon.” Doctor Carl stepped into the hall and ushered Serena in.

As she settled into his office, she sighed. Another day in hell. But this time would be different. This time she was going to say nothing more than necessary.

“Serena. How have you been?”

“Fine.” Carl narrowed his eyes slightly. No smart remark?

“Really? Are you really fine?”

“Yes.”

“You seem to be a little tired today. Has something happened over the last week Serena?”

“No.”

“No to you aren’t tired, or no to nothing’s happened?”

“Both.”

“I see. Serena, will you answer something for me?”

“Maybe.” That was better! Now she was getting smart again.

“Why did you try to commit suicide Serena?”

“Hnn.”

“Pardon me?”

“Hnn.”

“Serena, please, don’t grunt. Answer me. Why?”

“Goodbye Doctor.” She stood and made for the door. But this time, Doctor Carl stood and beat her to it.

“Serena, you can’t walk out every time you don’t want to talk about something. You need to get this off your chest. Please tell me?”

“No!” She told him forcefully. Then she reached for the door behind him and flung it open. By-stepping him, she made it out of the office and into the hallway.

“Serena. I only want to help you. Tell me what you were thinking? Please?”

“I hate shrinks.” She muttered to Hiiro as she walked past him. He smirked, but said nothing. Then he turned back to see the doctor’s head hanging and shaking.

“She just won’t talk to me. No matter what I do, she won’t talk to me. I wish she would just confide in someone, anyone! At least she would be getting it off her chest!” He sighed. “Alright Hiiro, come on in.” Hiiro nodded, and stepped into the office.

“Hiiro, how are you?”

“Fine.” The doctor’s eyes narrowed, then widened.

“I hear you’ve found a niche in art. Drawing is it?”

“Yes.”

“What do you draw?”

“Models of my mobile suit usually.” Usually.

“Why?”

“When I leave, I mean to make a few updates on it. I thought I would get a head start and sketch what I want to do.”

“That sounds reasonable. Do you ever sketch anything for fun? Not for work, like your mobile suit, but for fun?”

“No.”

“Why not? It’s not good to be too fixated on your work you know. You’ll burn out and not want to work any more.”

“I won’t burn out.”

“Why don’t you think so?”

“My work is my life. My life depends on my work. I don’t have the luxury of burning out.”

“But Hiiro, the war is over. A mobile suit isn’t going to save your life any more.”

“Hnn.” The doctor’s eyes widened.

“Tell me something Hiiro. What did you think when I asked Bertha to separate you and Serena? Weren’t you pleased? You had told me she was confusing you. Aren’t you happy to have the confusion gone?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Confusion is an emotion. You told me to ‘let loose’. I was letting loose with her around and experiencing confusion. Then you took that confusion away. I did not think it was a good idea.”

“You go home in one and a half days Hiiro. Do you really want to make friends here, only to have to say goodbye to them?”

“I thought that was my choice.”

“It is. Hiiro? What do you think about repressing emotions?”

“It’s a good thing- in moderation.”

“Why?”

“If I didn’t repress emotions, my rage would be unleashed.” Hiiro paused. “However. If I repress all emotion, I will never feel other, good emotions.”

“Like what?”

“Attraction, happiness, love.”

“Hiiro, may I tell you what I thought of you repressing emotions?”

“Yes.”

“I thought it was almost like you were anorexic.”

“Really?” Hiiro’s ears perked up. This was what Serena had compared him to the other night.

“Yes. You’ve been starving yourself of emotion using willpower. It gives you a sense of control in the world, like an anorexic feels they can control their life when they regulate their food intake. But your willpower has been slipping, and now that you’re beginning to taste those emotions, you feel out of control, like you can’t handle yourself. The floodgates have opened. You are an anorexic who is re-learning to eat. And just like an anorexic, you didn’t think anything was wrong with yourself. You thought that you had to stop eating now, or you would get fat again.”

“As I see it, it’s my life. I can chose to live this emotion ‘anorexia’ if I so chose.” Doctor Carl became silent for a moment.

“Why do you think that?”

“Hnn.”

“Hiiro, listen to me. Anorexia, no matter what kind, is not a lifestyle. It is a disease. It kills. A lifestyle isn’t supposed to pose imminent death to the one who chooses it.”

“Maybe I want death?”

“Are you suicidal?”

“No.” He clipped. He closed his eyes tiredly, and a memory flashed through his thoughts.

“It’s ok Hiiro, really.”

“No… it’s not.” Hiiro picked up the gun again. He could feel his own hand shaking. “I hurt you, and I can’t even cry for you. It’s not ok…” He raised the gun to his own head and though his hand was shaking, he could feel the cool metal against his temple was steady. A shot rang out.

“Yui, suicide is not an honorable thing to do.” Wufei yelled from the doorway, tears in his eyes. Trowa was holding a gun in his hand beside him, his expression not much better. Hiiro hand still stung from where Trowa had shot the gun out of his grasp.

“It would be a fitting punishment.” Hiiro muttered.

“No Hiiro, it wouldn’t.”

“I would like to live. I didn’t come out the Wars for nothing.” Hiiro reaffirmed. The doctor sighed in relief. “I was only using it as a hypothetical.”

“Well then. Hypothetically speaking, if you wanted to die, and you chose your lifestyle for that reason, I would say you were more unstable than we earlier believed. It is not in human nature to want death. Humans will do anything to survive. Unless, of course, they are mentally ill, in which case they sometimes do not know what is best for them. For those unfortunate few, we doctors are here to direct them.”

“I see.” Hiiro still didn’t agree with him.

“But if we take it in terms your ‘anorexic’ situation, Hiiro, I would say you’ve gained a lot of weight. When you first came, you were hell-bent on keeping your emotions in. Now you not only want to release a certain few, and you can argue about them in an excellent way. I give you a clean bill of health on anger management. You can go home when you’re ready.”

“Really?” Hiiro blinked. He could leave… but what about… Serena… *