Chapter Twenty-Two: Of Tears and Confessions

*Christmas had come and gone, and yet people were still speaking of the formal ball. Apparently quite a few scandals had erupted during the ball, and no one seemed quite willing to forget them just yet. After all, everyone at Hogwarts naturally understood that when people wanted to keep something quiet, it would be the talk of the school for quite a while.

One of the larger, more humorous scandals that developed was the public dumping of Peter by his long time girlfriend, Cynthia Yumi from Hufflepuff. The Marauders had long since seemed like a clique that was untouchable by gossip and slander, but now they were hit hard. As a natural reflex of the problem, Peter faded into the shadows for a while and allowed his three other friends to take most of the hardcore insults. This, of course, lead to numerous pranks fests for revenge, and soon all of Hogwarts was in turmoil.

No one knew where the Marauders would strike next. They only knew that if they wanted to be left alone, they should treat the Marauders, Arabella Figg, and creepy Lily Evans with the utmost respect. However, by the third week back, the Marauders decided enough was enough. They had reaffirmed their power as the most influential and dangerous group in school, as well as had fun doing it. They could take their minds off of protecting their reputations and redirect the focus into more personal issues, such as their schoolwork and friendships.

“Hey Lil!”

“Oh, hi Ara.” Lily replied gently back, giving her friend a small smile.

“So what’s new Lily?”

“Nothing. Why would anything be new?”

“Lily? Is something wrong? You’ve been acting different lately.” Ara asked her friend, her concern obvious.

“No, everything’s fine. Nothing’s wrong.” Lily plastered a fake smile on her lips. Ara knew her friend was lying, but she also knew that when Lily did this it meant she didn’t want to speak about it.

“Alright then Lil. Look, I need to get to the Astronomy Tower… I’m actually doing a report on the constellation Orion. Can you believe it? Of course Sirius wanted to bring a blanket and sit with me all night, but I told him to forget it. He may love me, but he can love me without having that part of me!”

“Yeah, right.” Lily laughed nervously.

“Bye Lils!” And Ara ran off. Lily watched her go, then slunk into the shadows. She was so tired, her head hurt, she just wanted to disappear…

“Hey James!” Ara called as she walked by James, who was wiping mud from his face. Quidditch practice in the rain must not have treated him too nicely. Too bad he was the captain. On the other hand, she didn’t suppose he minded a rough practice. It must have been better than not playing at all.

“Hey Ara. Ara, wait!” James ran to catch up with her. He needed a second opinion. “I have a question about Lily for you. Have you noticed she’s been acting weird lately?”

“Yes! I just saw her, and she’s so… well, she’s almost as quiet as she was when we first met her. But she hasn’t used the word ‘freak’ once, so I assumed it wasn’t her sister again.”

“Did you have any other ideas on why she was acting so depressed?” James asked. He needed to know. He wanted to help Lily, to tell her how much he cared, but he didn’t want to push something that she didn’t want to discuss- especially if he didn’t know what it was in the first place. He needed to be armed when he finally confronted her.

“I was thinking… do you think it could have something to do with those attacks on muggles in France? I mean, Lily is from a muggle family, maybe she’s just getting paranoid.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“But James? I don’t think that’s all. Honestly? I think there’s something a lot deeper going on than that. I just don’t know what, and she refuses to mention what’s bothering her. Talk to her! Please? I miss my best friend!” Ara begged.

“I plan to. Don’t worry Ara. I’ll figure this out.”

“Good luck. I have to get going now, I’ll see you later James.”

“Bye Ara!” James stood thinking for a moment and then blinked. “Damn! I still need to take a shower and it’s almost time for dinner!” He berated himself for standing around and rushed off to the showers.

Dinner was never silent when the Marauders were around. But tonight, none of them felt like chatting. Peter was missing… he seemed to have disappeared again. ‘Probably hiding from the gossip mongers.’ James thought.’ Then again, Peter has been looking so ill lately… and he’s usually following wither Lily or me… he’s so strange.’ James shook his mind from Peter and looked at Remus.

Remus. He had just finished a full moon, and though he was relieved it was over, he was still feeling weak from the power drain of the transformation. Sirius looked, for the first time in years, over worked and run down. He was practically falling asleep at the table, and Arabella, who was beside him, was in much the same condition.

It seemed school was taking a heavy toll on the seventh years, especially the problems of thinking about what their futures held. James himself was beginning to feel the pressure, but he was not nearly as stressed as others yet. He knew it was only a matter of time before he ended up like his friends.

And Lily? Well, Lily was still silent. She had been that way since her return from the Christmas break, and it was beginning to really worry James. She was silent, rarely smiled a real smile anymore, and had begun to draw away from him. Before break they had been closer than ever before, and now… it was like she was drifting away. James hated the thought that he was losing the one he loved the most to an unnamed source.

“Lily? You should really eat something.” He told her. She hadn’t touched her meal. In fact, lately she had hardly touched any of her meals. James was not only worried about her silence, but her physical health.

“I’m not hungry James.”

“Please Lady Lily? Those house elves work hard to make the food, put it to good use.” He teased.

“I know. I’m sorry.” She conceded and put a fork-full of mashed potatoes into her mouth and chewed mechanically. As she swallowed, a loud screech rang out in the Great Hall. An owl? This late? The owl flew into the room, circled for a moment, then dropped the letter onto the Gryffindor table.

More specifically, it dropped the letter into Lily’s hands. For a brief moment she stared at the letter. Then she ripped it open, and, well aware that all of Hogwarts had their eyes directed at her, she read the letter. When she placed the letter back into the envelope and picked up her fork again, people turned back to their food disappointed they hadn’t gotten more of a show.

“Lily? What did the letter say?” Ara asked, her focus now centered on her friend.

“Nothing important. It was just a letter.” Lily told her as she dropped her fork. “I’m going to go to bed, I’m tired.” And with that, she abruptly stood and left. The Marauders and Arabella looked at each other, and then at James.

“I don’t know why she’s acting this way.” He told them, flushing under their scrutiny. “I’m going to talk with her tomorrow.”

“You had better James. She’s getting worse.” Ara whispered.

“I know.” He whispered back.

>>>)(<<<

James couldn’t sleep. His dreams, usually in color, had been invaded by black and white pictures. He didn’t understand why, but he did know he couldn’t sleep with them as they were. Sitting up in bed, he rubbed his head. Not only had the dream been in black and white, but it had been… weird.

It had begun as the same dream that had plagued him since he had first been knocked out by Sirius and Remus. The same figure of a girl in the darkness of a storm. She had been standing on a cliff once again, near crashing waves and lightening. But from then on, the dream had changed. Instead of the cliff breaking below the girl, she jumped off into the waves. She still did not scream, but this time she was not saved. She did not magically appear back on the cliffs, she merely kept falling until she hit the bottom, where her limp body had been dragged away by the waves.

The dream repeated itself a second time after he had woken up and then fallen back to sleep. The difference was, in the second dream, when the girl jumped off the cliffs, a large stag appeared in the middle of the dream and caught her. Then the stag rode off into the distance with the girl on his back, outrunning the storm.

James was sure it was telling him something. But what? Why would that dream be repeating in his mind over and over again with different endings? It just didn’t make any sense! James stood up and pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a loose shirt. As he walked down the steps to the common room, his bare feet padded on the cold stone floors and echoed in the corridors.

When he entered the cold common room, he shuddered. Then his ears picked up on a foreign sound. Crying. Someone was crying. He made out a dim silhouette curled up in the armchair closest to the fireplace. He didn’t want to disturb them, but he wanted to know… Lily! He would know that red hair anywhere!

“Lily?” He called out softly. He heard her gasp.

“James?” She croaked, trying to wipe away her tears.

“Lily! What’s wrong?” James asked frantically as he rushed over to her and knelt by the chair. He brought his hands up and cupped her cheeks in them, using his thumbs to wipe away the hot tears that still fell.

“James! The letter...”

“What did the letter say Lily? Who made you cry? Just tell me and I swear I’ll murder them!” He growled.

“My parents are dead.” She whispered, so low he barely heard her. But he did.

“Your… parents?”

“Voldemort…they were at an opera and during the show they were attacked.” She spoke mechanically, as if she were a robot. Each word she said took on new meaning. It still hadn’t fully reached her. Her parents were dead. They were never coming back. They would never kiss her again, hug her again, she would never see them again. It was over. New tears spilled over.

“They’re dead James! Dead!” She sobbed.

“Jesus Lily!” He swore and pulled her into his arms from the chair. Holding her close, he rocked her as she cried into his chest, wetting his shirt and letting go of the pain.

No wonder she wanted to go to bed early! He was amazed she had been able to hold this in as long as she had. He would have broken down into immediate tears… hell, he had broken down into immediate tears when he had found out his parents had died. But that had been over the summer, and he had had Sirius to help him through it. Lily… Lily hadn’t told anyone! She had just gone on as if nothing was wrong.

“They’re really gone, huh James?” She asked when her tears had finally stopped. But she still had her eyes closed tightly, as if that would help to take some of the pain away.

“Yes Lily, they’re gone. But you can still remember them…”

“I don’t want to remember them!” She yelled out in a sudden burst of anger. I want them back so I can look at them! So I can talk to them and hug them! It isn’t fair James! They were my parents! They aren’t supposed to die until I’m married and have three kids! They’re supposed to live until they’re over a hundred years old! It isn’t fair to take them now!”

“I know Lily.” James hugged her tighter.

“I just want them back! Why them? Why not someone else’s parents? Why mine?”

“I don’t know Lily. I asked the same question when Voldemort killed my parents. The truth is, you’ll never know why they were picked out of everyone else. But you can guess.”

“I don’t want to guess! I don’t want to have to guess! I want them back!”

“Other people needed them Lily. There’s a bigger plan in the scheme of things Lil, and it was your parents’ time to go and join that bigger plan. We can’t be selfish and keep them here when they’re needed somewhere else to do something else.”

“I want to be selfish! I needed them here, to be with me!”

“I know Lily, I know. It’s ok. Cry it out.”

“Mother….” She sobbed again. She cried until her voice was hoarse, her throat numb, and her tears gone. But still the pain in her heart didn’t fade. The tears never stopped the pain, only made it easier to bare.

James ended up with Lily sitting in his lap as she laid her head against his chest. His arms were still wrapped around her, and he had no intention of removing them. He was glad he was here for her; otherwise she might have collapsed and had no one to help her through it. But something still nagged at his brain.

“Lily? You feel up to talking now?” He asked her gently.

“Yeah.” She whispered. She felt so warm and comfortable she felt like she could do anything.

“Lil, ever since you got back from Christmas Vacation you’ve been quiet and sad. What’s wrong Lily?”

“Nothing.”

“Lily. Don’t lie. I know you better than you’d like to think. I know when you’re happy, and I know when you’re sad. You’ve been depressed for a while. Lily, I only want to help you. Get it all off your chest, please. You’ll feel better if you do.”

“I can’t. You’ll laugh.” She softly.

“Lily. This is me, James. I’m not Sirius, and I’m not a clown. I would never laugh at you, I promise.”

“James, ever since I went home for summer, nothing’s been the same. Petunia’s wedding and marriage changed everything.”

“How? Other than the fact that you now have a pig for a brother in law?” He smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

“You promised.”

“I’m sorry. Keep going.”

“Ever since Petunia announced her wedding, I started thinking. I’m such a freak. I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, I can’t fit in well with others, I can’t do anything that everyone else can do-”

“Lily! That is not true!” James was going to settle this once and for all. “Lily. You are gorgeous. Seriously, I can’t think of a more beautiful person in this school when you’re smiling. You light up a room. And you’re top in our class! I don’t know why you don’t think you’re not smart- numbers don’t lie. As for fitting in, I thought we had established the fact that you hang out on a regular basis with the coolest group in Hogwarts? You are not a freak! You are a beautiful, sweet girl, woman, who anyone would kill for if someone hurt you, including me.” He smirked again at the double meaning hidden in his words.

“That’s just it! As much as I love Petunia, I know she isn’t the nicest girl. Still, she managed to fall in love, even if it was with a creep, who loved her back. I saw that over the Christmas break. But James, I’ll never find love. You said people would kill for me? No! No one would ever love me that much!” She sniffed. James was shocked.

“Lily, I thought you didn’t believe in love?” He asked, very slowly. He needed to make sure…

“I don’t!” She shook her head.

“Then why do you care?”

“I don’t know!”

“Ok. Lily, tell me why you don’t think love exists.” James suggested.

“Love is an emotion we’ve created in our minds. It is not a real feeling, more of an excuse for two people to say they’ve become closer together. ‘Love’ is comprised of a mixture between two different emotions: lust, and fear. The lust is the main attraction. The fear is a fear of loneliness. People don’t ultimately want to be alone, so they stay together out of fear of being alone. That is what ‘love’ really is in my eyes.” Lily sat in James’ warm lap, mentally berating herself for letting herself be dragged into this debate now, when she was already emotionally weak because of her parents… her parents! God she already missed them…

“Lily, do you really believe that?” James asked in awe. It was a well thought out approach to love, but it still had its faults, like every other theory.

“Yes.”

“But what about the unconditional love a mother feels for her children? Or the love between a brother and a sister? Or between a friendship? Are all of those false?”

“Maybe. I don’t know!” Lily shook she head, trying to clear her mind.

“Lily, why don’t you think you’ll find love if that is all love is, just lust and fear? I can think of at least ten other guys who lust after you and fear being alone. They wouldn’t mind hooking up with you. But what makes that hook up special? Nothing, because it wasn’t built on the trust and faith and give and take relationship true love is built on. Sure, lust and fear may be the basics of love, but there has to be more. Otherwise…” James gulped.

“Otherwise?” Lily echoed.

“Otherwise I wouldn’t know how to describe what I feel for you.” He heard Lily slightly gasp, but grew bolder and continued. “Lily, what I feel for you, yes, lust is a part of it. But there’s more than lust. I’m not scared of being alone if I never find the person I want to be with either. But Lily, I have found the person I want to be with-you. And even then, my love for you is more than just lust and fear.” James buried his head in the crook of Lily’s neck and a single tear fell.

“Lily, I like helping you with your problems and when you help me with mine. I like hearing your voice, your laughter. I feel warm when you’re happy, and I feel cold when you’re sad. My emotions change depending on you. That isn’t fear or lust. That is a sign of deep care for another person. Lily, I love every little thing about you, down to the fact that when you’re mad or jealous your eyes change color, or the fact that you always blush when I call you lovely Lady Lily. I love you.” He finished. Pulling his head up, he dared to look her in the eye.

“James…” She breathed.

“I know this sounds horrible and fake, but I can’t help it Lil. I don’t know how else to tell you.” James lowered his head. They stayed in silence for a long moment, simply breathing in the moment.

Lily looked at James. He had his head bent, but she could still see his face. His entire expression was one ridden with hope, pain, fear, and something indescribable. His dark, coffee-colored hair was messy and wild, as it always was. His jaw was set stubbornly waiting for her response, and her breath caught as she look at his eyes. The bottomless chocolate pools hypnotized her like she had never known before. She felt drawn to him, pulled in by his immense heart and desperate hope. She couldn’t describe the feeling- except for love. It was the only explanation her mind could rationalize.

“James.” She whispered. He looked up hearing her sweet voice chime upon his ears. She kept on. “I’ve been so worried with not believing in love that I never labeled what I truly felt for you. All this time I’ve been so scared of being alone and never feeling deeply cared for… But you… you’ve changed everything!”

More tears leaked from her eyes and dripped slowly down her tear stained, porcelain cheeks. He crystalline emerald eyes shimmered with unreadable emotions as tears welled up. She pushed her long red hair back and looked up to meet James’ gaze. God, she felt like she could drown in his chocolate eyes forever. They were so deep, so concerned and worried. She felt so…loved. And then she gasped.

“I cannot believe it.” She whispered. The realization she had already made struck her.

“What?” James asked.

“I… I… I love you. James… how could anybody not help but love you?” And she did. She really did. “James, I cannot believe it took me so long to realize it. I’ve loved you since the day you first called me Lily and not Miss Evans.”

“Re, really?” James asked in wonder. He had always hoped, dreamed, but never truly believed he had ever stood a chance…

“Yes.” She whispered. Slowly Lily brought her hand up and traced James’ tear streaks down his face lightly with her fingertips. She brushed her fingers over his lips and blushed. “I trust you more than anyone else. You’re always there for me, always ready to help me solve a problem or to drag me into trying something new. You’ve been there to protect me, to keep me safe and defend me. James… I love you. And all this time I had myself fooled into thinking there was no such thing as love. But if there isn’t such a thing, then I have no label for what I am feeling. Just know that I care as deeply about you as you say you care about me.”

“Good enough for me Lily.” For a moment longer they stared into each other’s eyes. And then James closed the gap between their lips and softly caressed hers in a gentle kiss. Ever so delicately he explored her lips, testing and waiting for her to respond. He went slowly, savoring every little taste she had to offer him. Lily tasted of sugar and smelled of chocolate, the perfect combination for her. She was sweet and innocent, but strong and compassionate. God he loved her.

It was her first kiss, and she was hesitant to be too bold. But as she felt James’ soft lips pressed against her own, she responded as best she could, letting him guide her. He went slowly, as if he were afraid of scaring her away. Lily leaned in and ran her hands through James’ hair. The kiss instantly became deeper. Tenderness was exchanged for passion as the man and woman realized their dreams for so long. Lily moaned, unable to fully comprehend how James was able to make her feel so dizzy and lightheaded with one simple kiss. But that was part of the reason she loved him, because he was so perfect in everything he did for her. When they finally broke, they were both breathless and speechless.

“Lily, are you alright?” He whispered. She could do no more than nod. “I’m glad. I love you Lily Evans. Don’t ever think I don’t.”

“I love you too James Potter.” She yawned.

“I think it’s time for us to go back to sleep. Will you be all right for tonight?” He asked, concerned she might still be too upset over the death of her parents to sleep.

“I’ll be fine.” She stood up and James followed in suit. “Thank you James. For listening to my problems, holding me when I cried, and teaching me what love is.”

“Anytime Lady Lily. Sleep well love.”

“Night.” She smiled a true smile at him, then pecked his cheek and disappeared through the doors to the dorms. James stood a moment later, contemplating the evening’s events. For all the times he had regretted taking that divinations class, he suddenly was very thankful he had. Dreams were useful occasionally. Then he smiled. She loved him. Sleep came easily to him the moment his head touched the pillow, his dreams filled with a sweet and angelic face. *