Chapter Twelve: The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn

 

*“Monk. I suggest you leave. Now, before my patience runs thin.” Hiiro glared at the monk. If he didn’t have his morals, he would have run the monk through with his sword the minute he had heard the conversation through the door. But if he did kill the monk, he would have to answer to the inquisition for his actions. And then, when found guilty, he would be turned over to the crown for punishment. An automatic death. His death for this monk? No, it wasn’t worth it.

“Lord Hiiro. I was just leaving. Pleasant dreaming my lord.” The monk sneered and bowed out of sight. Serena breathed a sigh of relief.

“That man is more evil than a serpent and more slippery than a fish.” Serena said aloud. Hiiro looked at her oddly. “What? It was a true analogy.” She shrugged grinning. Then, noticing his tired expression, she became more serious.

“Thank you. For warding him off, I mean. If you hadn’t come I don’t know where he would have gotten me.”

“Not far. You’re stronger than you think.” He replied quietly. She blushed, but said nothing. Had that been a compliment, or something else?

“Hiiro. Is something wrong?” She asked timidly.

“I’m sorry. I truly did not stop to think of your obligations. Having a child would be a…”

“Responsibility I have to live up to one day. It might as well be today.” She nodded in self-satisfaction. She knew she had no choice. She had to do this.

“Serena…”

“No. Hiiro, it was so selfish of me to think simply of myself I do understand why this is so important to you, but I was so blinded by my foolishness and idealistic dreams… never again. I suppose it was only a matter of time.” She sighed. This had to be done this was it. He had done what she had sworn no man would ever do. He had broken her will, her spirit, and her wish for freedom.

Hiiro stood silently and stoically, watching her face flash quick sparks of emotions. She had her eyes closed tightly, as if she were wishing or praying. But to hear her saying what she was…he was forcing her to give up he dreams. Once he would have thought her foolish and idle. But now…her dreams and wishes didn’t seem nearly as irrational and ludicrous as before. In fact, they almost sounded like his own used to. Before he had been corrupted by logic and the adult world of loss and betrayal. He had done this to her. What he had never wanted to become, a weak, sniveling pawn who tried to control what was outside of his power. He couldn’t let this go on.

“Serena, stop. It was not just your selfishness, but mine as well. I,” he paused, unsure of how to continue. He needed to clear this all, get it all out into the open. “Serena, I am not the nicest person. I know I mistreated you when you first arrived. For that, I am sorry.”

            “I wasn’t exactly the nicest person to you either, as I recall.” She added.

            “Even still. I made your transition from your home to here incredibly hard. And even after you settled in, I still fought with you. I cannot explain why. Perhaps I didn’t like the change that had over come my home. You placed people under a spell when you arrived. I’m surprised Benedict didn’t try to charge you with some form of witchcraft. But it wasn’t just that. I didn’t want you getting close to me. I have never been comfortable around people. Not even Rachel. You, I’m sure, cannot relate to these childish feelings. However, I still experienced them. Does this explain my actions better?” He asked.

            “Hiiro. You are still pushing me away.” She replied quietly. “Even in telling me all of this, you only do so to get me off your back.” He looked up startled. How did she know…

            “Hiiro. Listen to me. I have been childish and lazy. I realize that. I made a poor impression on you, and I’m sorry. The reason I tell you this is not to explain my actions, but that is a part of it. It is more just to tell you. I feel you, as my husband, should know. When I was a child, my mother died early. My father remarried four times, and each woman failed to produce a son. My father doted greatly on me, teaching me hoe to read and write, poetry and prose. I suppose my head was so filled with pretty notions of love and fairytales that I began to live in those worlds. I loved me freedom. In the summers I ran the fields at home, I swam and rode. I even hunted. But one day my father decided I had to grow up. I was forced to wear dresses, learn stitching, cooking, and all the other household chores. He told me I was betrothed. Hiiro, I was scared of you. I suppose you can imagine my fear that you would take my freedom- or what was left of it. My father betrayed me in arranging my marriage for me. I vowed that I would never speak to you, never bare you a child, and never love you. But something happened.”

            “Serena. I…”

            “No.” She moved towards him. Leading him by the hand she sat him down in her favorite spot by the window. Sitting at his feet, she looked up. “Nevermind what I just told you. Tell me. Why do you truly push people away? Why are you afraid of me?”

            “Why am I afraid of you.” He repeated her words, thinking over her question. “I push you away because I fear you. Your happiness. You always seem so happy. Why? Our life is a depressing tale. We live. If we are unlucky enough, we fall into love, which either leads to the heartbreak of betrayal, or the death of freedom. In the end, we all die and are judged. There is no point to our existence. We live, we breath and consume. We work our lives to achieve greatness, yet we fail and then fall to our deaths by the most brilliant of all emotions: love, almost constantly. You seem to have pushed these ‘trivial’ thoughts from your head. My father loved my mother, and look where it has led him. She died, and he died with her. You see, she took his soul, his heart to live. I never wish for that pain. And as long as I push the happy people away, the people like you, I will never have to experience that same pain. I will not invite my heartache as my parents did.” He stopped and stepped outside of himself.

He looked at the picture of him and Serena sitting together. She had lain her head upon his lap, and he was stroking her flaxen hair. She looked so peaceful. And he, he could see his own smile playing on his lips, a contented and relaxed posture, and a strange emotion within his darkened eyes. It was strange, watching himself from the outside. He looked so much happier than he usually did. Because he felt happier. With Serena he always felt more jovial. Even when they were fighting and she was winning, or when he was mad at her. He still felt happier. And now he could literally see the difference. Why did she cause such a vast exchange of emotions within him?

“Hiiro. Do you truly fear my happiness that much?”

“No. I fear the fact that if I become as happy as you, which is inevitable with you around, that I will lose you. And then I will become as hard as I am now.”

“But you won’t lose me.” She looked up. It almost sounded as if he cared for her.

“Oh? Serena, my mother died in childbirth. And yours shortly after you were three. If they could die so early, why couldn’t you?”

“I could. But Hiiro, being happy is learning to take chances.”

“Which is why I don’t want to be happy.”

“Hiiro. You can’t have a child with me and not be happy.” She giggled slightly.

“Huh?”

“Well. If I give you your heir, I expect you to…”

“Help raise it? Teach it? Of course. I won’t abandon you to do all the work on your own. I have a job to do as well, so I have come to realize.” He watched as she beamed at him.

“You truly amaze me today. You have done some heavy soul searching to say such a statement. But Hiiro, that isn’t all. I was going to say, if I give you a child, I want you to be happy about it. Not just understand and accept the responsibilities that come with it.”

“Serena, I don’t want to be happy…”

“I know. You told me. But Hiiro. Are you happy right now?”

“You mean in this point in my life?”

“I mean right now, right here, with me and you, sitting and speaking like this. Are you content? Relaxed?”

“Yes.” He answered her shyly. He had a flashback of when he had been stuck in the hut during the storm. The way the wife had welcomed her husband home. The way they had kissed and held each other. The love he could tell radiated from their being together. He had felt like that when Serena had held him after his return from the war. He felt like that when she had smiled at him, brought him food. When she thanked him, when she was happy, he felt the same love he had felt between that man and woman in the hut.

“If you feel so comfortable now, what holds you back from always feeling this way around me? And what would hold you back from always feeling this way around your child?” She asked. He looked so young and innocent at this moment. She didn’t want him to leave her. She was comfortable around him now. All she wanted was to help him.

“I, damn.” He swore. She gasped, unprepared for his words. “Sorry. I just can’t answer that.”

“Why not?”

“Today during the rainstorm I was in the hut of a serf waiting it out. The woman of the hut was home, and there was a small boy causing her trouble. Her husband walked in, and suddenly  everything in the house seemed right. They embraced each other, and for a split second, the electricity in the air was heavier than a bolt of lightening. Serena.” Hiiro stood from his position and pulled her to her feet to join him. “The woman of the house and the man of the house. They loved each other. They were happy. They were unafraid of the future, only caring to live in the present. Why can I not be like them? Why can we not be as they? Content to dream only of the present, and never have nightmares of the future? Why not us Serena?” He asked feverishly.

“We can be like them. But it would take work. Hiiro, how exactly do you wish for us to be like them?” She asked, her eyes shining. He brought his hand up and traced the back of his knuckles over her cheek. When he reached her mouth, he traced his thumb over her lip, then brought his hand under her chin and propped her head up to look her in the eye.

“I want to come in from the fields and be greeted by someone who cares for me. I want to be tired, then see a face and feel energized. I want to go to sleep at night in the arms of someone who will keep me warm, someone who I can keep warm. I want to wake up and see beside me a woman who loves me. But above all, I just don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“I can help you. Hiiro, if you let me, I can be all those things. If you let me. Trust me.” She whispered.

“Can I trust you?” He asked her. She smiled slightly, then snaked her arms around his head.

“You can always trust me.” With that, she pulled his head down for a sweet kiss. Hiiro’s head spun. Never had he imagined such a feeling existed. He felt numb all over, yet ever nerve ending seemed heightened ten fold to every slight touch. Her lithe form pressed against his, her silken hair dripping through his hands, her sweet lips pressed lightly against his. Adrenaline surged and sugar invaded his mind, eating away at his sanity. Sweet and absolute ecstasy.

Serena’s heart pounded. She had given him everything. And she hoped it would be enough to cure him. But now she wondered if perhaps she was the one who needed a cure. She was drugged and dizzy from the sweet, sensuous mouth that now tempted her own in pure torture. Each touch, each sensation was enough to drive her beyond the point of insanity. The ultimate bliss had been right in front of her the whole time, yet it took so long to find it. As the kiss broke, each pulled away and gave hard glances at the other.

“Hiiro, I…” She said breathlessly, not knowing what she wanted to say.

“I found it.” He cut her off. She looked at him questioningly.

“You found what?”

“Happiness. Serena…” He finished in a soft groan. Moving in closer, he embraced her gently, as if she were a fragile piece of glass. He kissed her temple gently, then her cheek, then her ear. “Serena. Please…” he moaned again.

“Say it.” She commanded breathlessly.

“I love you. I want you. I need you. Please…” She gave a smirk and melted into his arms.

“Hiiro. I love you. I’m yours now…”*