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Here's some jokes that I've picked up all over the internet.. Just click on the name of the joke you would like to view.
Click on the shiny star to come back to the top.
You know you're addicted to the internet when...*
Warning signs of Insanity*
Everything I need to know....Noah's Ark
Side by Side*
For Cat owners on Christmas*
New Hybrid Dog Breeds
Things My Mother Taught me*
Another Day in the life of a College Student
You Know You're an Internet Addict When...
1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
3. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
4. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
5. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
6. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
Warning signs of insanity
1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
19. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
21. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
22. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
23. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
24. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
25. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
26. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
27. Melba toast excites you.
28. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
29. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
30. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
31. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
32. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
33. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
34. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
35. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
36. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (Cough.)
37. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
38. You like reading lists like this. :)
Everything I need to know, I learned from
Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same
boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when
Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old,
someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on
with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage.
The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float a while.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs;
the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with
God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
Side By Side
They lie on the table side by side
The Holy Bible and the TV Guide.
One is well worn and cherished with pride.
Not the Bible, but the TV Guide.
One is used daily to help folks decide.
No, not the Bible, but the TV Guide.
As the pages are turned, what shall they see.
Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV
So they open the book in which they confide.
No, not the Bible, but the TV Guide.
Maybe a verse before they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy as tired as can be.
Not from reading the Bible, from watching TV
So back to the table side by side,
Lie the Holy Bible and the TV Guide.
No time for prayer, no time for the Word,
The plan of salvation is seldom heard.
But forgiveness of sin, so full and free,
Is found in the Bible, not on TV.
Christmas/Yule Gift Wrapping Hints for Cat Owners
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
17. Place present on paper.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28. Remove sting, open box and remove cat.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
NEW HYBRID DOG BREEDS
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
Things my mother taught me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT :
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM :
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER :
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me CREATIONISM:
"After I kill you, I can make another that looks just like you."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MOM!
A Day in the life of a College Student
Up too late the night before.
Want to stay in bed some more.
Searching for a matching sock
in time to make my eight o'clock.
Sprinting all the way to class.
Slowly running out of gas.
Walking in the pouring rain.
A thunderstorm's inside my brain.
Soaking wet, I make it in.
Professor asks me where I've been.
I try to think up some excuse.
"It's chronic eight o'clock abuse!"
Writing till my hand falls off.
Don't have time to even cough.
Can't get breakfast off my mind.
Now I'm half-a-page behind!
Man, this lecture's really boring.
Is it me that I hear snoring?
No, it's just the ocean breeze.
I'm floating on a piece of cheese
sailing off to la-la land,
while jamming to a reggae band.
And as I lay me down to rest,
please let me dream I pass my test.
And if I don't, for goodness sake,
just let me sleep till summer break!
 
 
Art by Meilin Wong
Graphics by CC's Graphics2000
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