It seemed like everytime I tried to make a step towards God, something would happen to knock me two steps back. Every day I would hear something in the news about Christians being intolerant or trying to force their beliefs on other people. I saw nothing good coming out of the church, only hypocrisy and judgement. Where was the love? Where was the compassion?
"You can't be real God!" I would cry. Your church proves you aren't by their actions. (It's funny, even though I wasn't sure if I believed in him I still spoke to him.)
As I said, this was the most painful and darkest time of my life. I never thought I would recover from the wounds that were inflicted on me emotionally.
But I learned a lot during this time. I learned that as tolerant as I believed I was, that I had my own little prejudices and hypocrisy. I saw how pushy and arrogant I had been about my beliefs to others. I also learned that just because a building has a steeple and carries Jesus' name doesn't mean that he is pleased by what is going on inside the doors.
I think that God wanted to show me how people on the outside were being treated by the church. I guess I had to experience their pain and loneliness to understand how they perceive the church. This has to hurt God, to see people who claim to know him hurt others just because they are different. Look at the people who Yeshua ministered to. It wasn't the pharisees with their pride and power in the community. It was the outcasts of his day. He had compassion on these people and went to where they were. He didn't invite them to the temple or tell them to wear "proper Christian attire". No, he loved them for who they were, and promised them eternal life if they would only follow him.
I am still struggling with my faith. I believe down deep in my heart that God loves me, but it is a painful crawl back into the light.
I would not be where I am today if it were not for loving Christian friends who encouraged me and prayed for me during this time. There were many people praying for me, but there are four who really come to mind who ministered to me during this time. Michaela from www.christiangoth.com who told me not to give up on God, that the outcasts needed people like me. My Messianic friend Brian who said that I had to learn to seperate God from the church and to look for the good in things, instead of always picking out the bad. Leigh Ann (a young lady I had the pleasure of praying for and watching come to know Christ before any of this ever happened) who told me that God had given me a gift and I should use it for him. And Jordan, a young man from my Sunday School class who simply loved me and was there for me during this time.
