曲 : Nothing, though I'd STILL wish to have some Dokutero at hand, or something more violent..
曲 : Nothing, though I wish I'd have some Dokutero at hand X__X;;
曲 : Dokutero - Ken's mini moni -dirty mix-
曲 : Moondance - Nightwish
曲 : Drain - X Japan
曲 : the matrix reloaded..*blinks* o.o;
曲 : nothing
曲 : nothing
曲 : nothing
曲 : nothing
曲 : X Japan - Drain
曲 : DDR music, cause I'm hyper..very hyper..O.O;
曲 : Just now I was listening to some 'tou dou dou' kind of music on the Dungeon..ouach...X___X
曲 : Some scarily quétaine mood music...and yet again I'm at school..o.o;;
曲 : Nothing, I'm at school..
曲 : My Dying Bride - A sea to suffer in
曲 : nothing..I'm in class *fufufu*
曲 : nothing..
曲 : 巽とHaema -月に行った猫
曲 : 犬神サ-カス團 - お人形
曲 : nothing, I'm still at school..
曲 : nothing, I'm at school..
曲 : 駄菓子菓子 - 拔け殼の愛情
曲 : グルグル映畫館 - 恋ころん。君にはコロン、部屋無音
currently listening to: Yoann and Nini talking ^^;;
currently listening to: Sads - Porno Star
currently listening to: Igyou no utage tape
currently listening to: Gyakujou tannou Keroido Milku - Dir en grey
currently listening to: Sinonet music, whatever it is..o.o;
currently listening to: Going Under - Evanescence
currently listening to: Going Under - Evanescence
currently listening to: Manatsu no yume - Inugami circus-dan
currently listening to: nothing..
currently listening to: nothing..
currently listening to: Shin Seung Hun - I Believe
currently listening to: Rauya - Mizuiro no namida
currently listening to: Guruguru Eigakan - Rishinben
currently listening to: Luna Sea - The Slain
currently listening to: Some chinese song...o.o
currently listening to: Kagrra - Konton
currently listening to: Some bad playstation game music ¬___¬;;
currently listening to: Pink Spider - hide
currently listening to: Masturbating Smile - Kuroyume
currently listening to: Kichiku Moralism - Kagerou
currently listening to: yofukashi panic *upper version* - Gurimu
currently listening to: Boy Kobayashi no nayami - guruguru eigakan
currently listening to: Kazemakase - Karimero
currently listening to: Boy Kobayashi no nayami - Guruguru Eigakan
currently listening to: Equal in Vain - Guniw Tools
currently listening to: Masturbating Smile - Kuroyume
currently listening to: Fukai - Dir en grey
currently listening to: Kichiku Moralism - Kagerou
currently listening to: Izayoi no tsuki - 1 -Kakera
I went for my job interview today..it went great! ^^;;
I hope I'll get the job, it would be nice . Anyways, when I came back my neighboor, 'ti ewik', called me . He was bored as hell and wanted to come over . So he came, and after a while I understood why he'd called me : he wanted to take advantage of my computer to play a war game..-_____-;; His computer's graphic card's broken, so he basically came over to play his stupid game . Anyways, I don't really mind..it's not like I had better things to do anyways! So I let him play and found this game rather interesting . It's called Red Alert, and basically you choose two countries, you play one and try to beat the other . It sounds simple, but when I was left on my own to play I realized I sucked real bad! =P Anyways..I'll give him back this stupid game, I wouldn't wanna get obsessed with it..
I saw my fishton today!!! Kisui, aishiteru! ^^;; Anyways, made me realize it was Kiki's birthday this weekend =/ I'd almost completely forgot.. Now I need to find a gift AND I need to reach her to know what time I'll have to be there for her birthday party...
Well what a good way to start the day...not only did I have blood samples to give this morning, but when I came home I read this on a friend's blog..
Dsl, mais lEca va sortir en français...
Gosh, I change layouts every two days, but I write only once a week..O__o;; Weirdo *hits self*...Sou desu ka..^^;; I went to the Cactus today with Miihaa..and dammit I broke a damn chair! I just sat on it and the back of the chair was loose, so I fell back and looked completely stupid (and for those pervs reading, I was wearing a skirt *blushes*) . The back of the chair that was loose broke as I fell on it..Anyways..hm..heh..^____^;; Soo~ou desu ka!!!
We have a slumber party scheduled for tuesday, it's gonna be nice . I'll meet Miya for the first time, yatta! ^^;; Anyways, Yukke'll be there too..*got a grudge against Yukke..* =P.. Ahh..I regret choosing Satoch as another 'me', cause seriously, that guy represents all I hate into a guy : he's muscled, he's stupid, and he doesn't have any personality..I guess the only thing I like about him is his drummer status ^^;;;; I just got so much into drums, I mean..I'm considering pursuing a drummer career! Well...to eventually become a singer! =P *wink wink @ Daisuke*
Soooooo~ou desu ka...I think I'll shut up just...now . *p>
A friend of mine made me realize lately that I'd been too stupid in the past . I've let people make me feel like I didn't matter, when actually I didn't matter to THEM . I realize I'm only there to entertain them when no one else is around, and that's starting to piss me off quite a bit . I'd wish for them to feel as left out as I do, JUST to see them suffer.. Actually I don't really know why I'm saying them, because I'm only referring to one person . She's been such a bad friend, and yet I still keep going to her, most of the time only to get pushed away like a fuckin' beggar . I'm getting sick of this . I could always say that I won't call her again, that I'll wait for her to realize what a good friend I was, but since I know perfectly well she won't give much of a shit, I'm not gonna do that .
To anyone who reads this, have you ever been a replacement friend? Someone your friends only go to see when all the others are busy? Someone who never gets invited to get-togethers, and when you try to plan something, seemingly everything on Earth is more interesting than you? My presence is obviously not needed to that girl, and if she can avoid it, she does . Maybe I'm stubborn, but I can't understand that two people who spend every living minute either together or on the phone together can MISS each other! FUCK! I mean.. I know they're best friends, but sometimes I wonder if they're not fuckin' gay.. They're just stuck to each other all the time, and trying to make me believe that they MISS each other.. Sorry girls, but I don't get it . Either explain, or give a better excuse.. If you didn't want to see me, then just fuckin tell me, cuz I'd rather know . I thought we were friends dammit.. Seems like a not to me.. If you're gonna make me play the replacement friend's role, I'd rather know, cuz then I could tell you to FUCK OFF !!!
I seriously wonder why I still give this friendship importance..I mean, haven't I learned my lesson yet? It's not like it was the first time I feel abandonned, and it's not the worse time either.. When I was really in need and got kicked out 'cause she had 'something else planned' and saw her and her 'friend' eating in chinatown, how did I feel ?!! Have you EVER thought of that? HUH?!?!? And oh.. When a friend of ours came on Christmas holiday and no one called, was it REALLY cause you'd forgotten? I have serious doubts.. And when we came back from the museum and yall ditched me at 10:30 at Henri-Bou ? And when I got you a present for Christmas, did you even THINK of giving back ? A card, anything, just something to show you care . No . Nothing . Niet . That, I could deal if it was the only thing, I don't care much about gifts . But it's just that, you know, it feels a little tingle when you realize that you don't matter THAT MUCH to someone.. My good friend, the one who made me suddenly realize all this, told me that I should let go . That she would realize someday, maybe not today, maybe not tommorow, but someday, someday she's realize how much she maybe missed out on a good friendship, and that she should have perhaps cared a little more .
Now I'll say this . I'm not gonna let go . Not until I know everything . I know you don't talk a lot about these things (or do you? I'm not sure I really know you anymore..), but I'd just like to know how you feel about our friendship, about me, about what I mentionned above . Do you understand me? Why I'm angry? Why I feel like a fuckin 'bouche-trou' ? Do you think we can still be friends and you can work a little on that or are you just not interested in keeping a good friend? I think we have some issues, and we have to work them out, like adults . If you wanna work it out, call me . If not, then I guess it's the end of the road for us (as friends..o.O ) .
Ok, now it's getting scary and most of all, unhealthy . This obsession I have with Dokutero, it's wrong..SOOO wrong...X__X Worse thing is, I have nothing to worship or whatever you'd call it, I have no album, no tape, not even a good picture..It's sick, sick, sick...Ok..Fine..maybe I have a reply from Akubi (and Youichi *coughs* ) from the BBS, but that was months ago..it doesn't make any sense.. Maybe I just needed to obsess over something and fell on a Dokutero song and uncounsciously went 'hm..that's good enough..let's obsess over it!' ?!? That doesn't make SENSE ! >.<;;;; I just wish I could stop, but that's kind of not in my power.. At least I'm obsessed over a good band ^^; let's look on the bright side! And besides, who said it was unhealthy to worship a band that prones masturbation..? *COUGHS* Ok..I'm a very, very sick puppy... *goes to put on her pink camisole de force*
Since it's a new year starting today, I believe I should remove this hiatus to pass a message : happy new year and fuck you all ! ^^;
I also decided on something . I'll buy back my guit, and soon . I don't want Jess to have my baby, got it Maude? As I shouldn't have sold it to you in the first place . It's my first guit, there's something sentimental about it . If the red head wants it, she'll have to step over my dead body !
Now that I made that clear, I can rest in peace (facon de parler) . Well, Happy New Year bitches!
With all my love and support (*coughs* yeah right..),
Dans un esprit plus gai, EVERYONE BE SHOCKED !!! (notez de l'emphase sur le mot GAI)
It's been such a fuckin crazy week.. I got kicked out of my appartment by my roomie . She's a depressed freak and she didn't take her medication . She just burst out on me cuz I'd unplugged the video to put an antenna on the TV so she could catch more channels.. such a fuckin biatch . She's the worse person I know . Aside from being crazy, she's bitching about everything and being a real pain in the ass when everything doesn't go her way . She pisses me off to the point that no one ever pissed me off before.. Luckily, I found another place to stay, and I'm signing tommorow morning . I have a 1½, with view on the Jacques-Cartier Bridge from afar, hot water included, and thank God now I'll be on my own . It'll be MY place, not anybody else's . It's great .
I also resolved my gym class problem . I can flunk ONE class in my session, which is exactly how many I'm gonna flunk, it's great ^^. I'll keep coming to the college next session, yatta! ^^ I'm also getting implicated with the OCAEM (Asian Culture Organism of Édouard-Montpetit). Nam, an asian guy of the club, is running for prez . I support him, at least he has projects and intends to put them to term . It's all great . I wanted to run for publicist of the club, but another guy is presenting himself . he has good projects, so I decided to to compete against him and support him instead . ^^
Well that's about it..oh, I also got to talk to my father without getting treated like a pure piece of shit, which is nice . *nods* ^^;
I'm currently at school . I can't write much anymore, I don't have internet at my apaato..=/ I miss it so much.. it was both a source of entertainment and inspiration..what do I do now that I can't read fanfic when I'm bored and/or sad? When do I write to my friends? Where do I chat on MSN? ;____; sad, sad tatsu.. Anyways ^^; on a brighter tone, I can blog at school and I can talk to real people for a change ^^; and I read books instead of fanfic . And on another level, I have other inspirational material now! And I can find time to write about it, or draw, or compose some music . I just don't have the equipment to record it..=/ that sucks.. I'll have to get my own comp soon..
I finally found my life project peoples! ^^;; I'm so happy.. I feel like I have something to cling to, something to live for! It's so great..^^; Now you're probably saying, 'but tell us what it is tatsu!' or just simply 'yea..so what? we don't give a shit..¬__¬;' Well AH ! I'll still tell you! =P I'm currently working on a book project . I'm writting a poem/short stories book, book that I'll illustrate (with different mediums such as photography, painting, drawing) and put into music . The only thing I can't do on my own for now is the music, cuz I have no fuckin recorder and mixer..¬___¬; But it's ok..until I get one I can always draw and write..^^; Anyways, I should probably work now..*COUGHS* ^^; Working? In Photoshop class ? Yeah right..dream on ^^;;;
I'm at the 24, yatta . For those of you who don't know what that is, it's 24h straight of role play. Well..I should probably go meet the guys outside if I want some 'fuel' *COUGHS* ^^;; If you have no clue, the fuel I'm talkin about is green and smokable..^^; I'll write back later!
It's odd..my best friend's drowning, she needs a friend, and somewhat I don't feel like it's me she needs.. I don't feel like I'm able to help her, simply cause I can't even help myself.. I have some kind of interest conflict with her, and I feel as if I could only make it worse if I try to help her.. it sucks..
What the FUCK is wrong with me?? WHY do I make people I love and/or respect feel bad? Why do I have this fucked up tendency to drive the people I care about away from me? Why do I have to be who I am ? WHO THE FUCK AM I ? Why am I so alone ? Why is my life so crappy ? Why do I hurt so much ? Why do I feel like I'll end in a pool of blood soon enough ? Why can't I think before I talk ? Why do I say horrible things about people behind their back ? Why do I claim to hate hypocrisy when I'm being hypocritic myself? Why can't I seem to see some hope for the future ? Why is there so much pain in my life ? Why can't I fuckin control my life ? Why am I so self-centered ? Why do I always complain about everything ? Why do I feel so un-loved ? Why do I feel like putting an end to my life every second ? Why do I see everything in black or white ? Why am I so damn affected by what people say about me ? Why do I crave affection so much ? Why can't I be loved ? Why can't I love myself ? Why Do I have so little self-esteem ? Why can't I get rid of those masks I wear all the time ? Why can't I be more pretty ? Why can't I be smarter ? Why do I feel so neglected all the time ? Why do my moments of pleasure seem so bitter to me ? Why do some people still listen to me ? Why am I asking so many questions when I don't have the answers ? Why do I need those answers so much ?
It feels good to ask myself questions, and yet it feels bitter now that I think of it.. I'm sick of always looking for pity, and yet I can't help it.. I need attention, I need affection.. I see people around me constantly getting what I crave so much, and unconciously I guess I'm trying to be like them . I feel so pathetic I make myself sick.. I wouldn't want to be with someone like me . I wouldn't want to give affection to someone who's so fake and vain.. What can you do when you're stuck in some sort of hamster roulette, that you keep running, but that your goal keeps running away ? I tried stepping out, I tried changing environement, but I always ended up with me in the end.. I guess that's how it'll be 'till the end, only me . I'll have to stay with someone I don't wanna be with, never feel quite at home anywhere, always feel like a parasite wherever I go and whatever I do.. I'd give anything just to have some kind of power over myself, some motivation to keep going, but all I have is me, me, me, and always me . I'm sick of me . I wanna kick me, I wanna kill me and see me's blood spilling all over..
Thanks Phil for making me realize how much of a fuckin hopeless loser I was.. Thanks for putting me back in my place . It's understandable that you don't give a shit about what was wrong with me on Friday, and you're right . I'm a self-centered bitch, and I shouldn't let other people suffer me..
And yet another sucky tuesday.. I'm feeling like crap for a very simple reason . We're on tuesday . Ok, let's recapitulate..I missed a class on a certain tuesday cuz I was too depressed to go, cuz of a certain father of mine . Next tuesday, something happens related to a certain guy . Next tuesday, I get told by the certain guy that I don't have sense of humour, so therefore he's not interested in me . To add to that last tuesday, I get kicked out of my gym class for no apparent reason (I don't hava a fuckin pen, so what?) . So this leads us to THIS tuesday..my best friend's boyfriend's gonna leave her, and I have to be there for both cuz well heheh, I'm the lucky lady who's best friends with BOTH! I'll be the sucker there to catch my best friend as she collapses, while I knew before that he was gonna break up and did nothing . How do I feel ? High . I feel high . I know it's no good to take drugs whenever you don't feel well, but I can't help it..you always think clearer and never blame yourself when you're high . You can even have SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!!! *COUGHS* Ok, so here it is..I've found my way . Finally . I'll just be and fuck the rest . I decided on my professional life, and I've decided on my personal life . I decided to shut up, so that I wouldn't regret what I said . I decided to NOT fall in love, cuz it was all bullshit . I decided not to have close friends, cuz they ask for too much attention and they give too less . I decided that I couldn't decide such things, cuz you know what? It all doesn't matter in the end .
I'm just REALLY gonna blow up..everybody's driving me nuts, everyone's making me sick.. I don't know if it's my own bad mood that's making me see everybody's defects all at once, but I'm seeing nothing but bad everywhere . I feel like telling them all to fuck off, that they're not better than anyone and that they need to be kicked in the ass . They need to be told the truth to their face, and if I have to be the bitch to tell them, I will do so gladly .
Sacha's a fuckin capitalist, hypocryte and a lying bitch . Gamache acts like a motherfuckin God that he's not . Papou should grow up, and so should Gameboy . Christine should wake up and realize she's not meant to be with Seb, that they're like fire and water and they'll never fuckin get along . Rémi's a fuckin rebound bitch, Julie's a slut, and I won't even talk about the others, I'm worked up enough as it is .
I'm really gonna kill someone tonight...
Oh, and by the way, thanks to my oh so great wonderful friends for backstabbing me.. It's always fun to learn that someone's officially taken as vocalist in a band you always dreamt to form, especially since that person decided only a fuckin week ago he wanted to be a vocalist . And it's always sweet to know that they're SOO~ fuckin serious about it.. Big ball of fuckin crap if you want my opinion..
Fuck you all...
Wow...I really freaked out last Friday...O.O; I completely freaked out.. I started shaking and babbling stuff about hypocrisy, I just completely zoned out..Kiki, you were there, dammit, I wasn't myself.. I was just....FREAKING OUT ! X__X; I can't believe I actually went berserk like that because of a guy... It had never happenned to me before, I was so lost..I felt like breaking everything, like killing every living thing in my sight (and I have to admit, especially him) . Now I'm doing fine, but still..Friday was hell..and it only stiked me an hour ago. I just went like "Wow..I was really out of it last Friday...o.o;"
On another note, I'm quite happy now . Everything is finally falling back into place . I've confirmed with Amy for the apartment, I'm moving in in two weeks . I've also had a great exam in Arts History. I have some job prospect, but that's just a prospect.. It's nothing very convincing so far, but it's better than nothing . AND! The real highlight of the week! ^^;; A long time friend of mine, Ben, might be visiting soon! It's just nice to think that after 6 years I'll finally meet the guy! ^^; He's from Oregon, but he's in Pennsylvania right now . That's awfully close to Montreal (well...compared to Oregon..). ^^;
Well...back to the original subject, I'm kinda starting to freak out again.. I never thought it might be that hard emotionally to wait for an answer..X___X; In order NOT to freak out, I have to think of something else right now...I feel like crap... But anyways, gotta keep some kind of hope.. Many people think we'd make a cute couple, but if he doesn't like me, that doesn't count for much.. Argh, I'm just agonizing right now.. Didn't know it'd hurt so much to fuckin wait...
Dadididam daridam daridam...*COUGHS* ^^;
Well..I feel oddly good today.. Even after all that happened yesterday, I feel fresh as a rose! Well.. almost.. my ears hurt, I should go see the doctor about that..=/
Anyways... I finally decided to do something about my crush . After he discovered by himself, with the help of my best friends, that HE was the crush I was not revealing for 30 minutes last thursday, the situation was pretty awkward . I was barely able to look at him in the face, and he acted as if he didn't know . After two nights of being in immediate contact with the guy, I started freaking out . I was mad at him, at myself, at the world for being so damn hypocritic . When I came back home yesterday after the Nephilim live (which was nice by the way), I had taken a decision : I'd write to him . Which I did . I wrote an email and said everything that needed to be said (or almost..I still didn't have the guts to say clearly 'I like you' . But I will, *nods* I will .
So that's it, asked him how he felt, and I hope I'll have an answer soon, either by mail or in person .
Well well..I just read some interesting stuff on someone's live journal . Someone who needs friends, someone who feels like she could do something stupid if she's left alone.. I kinda find it funny that when I felt the same way about 3 weeks ago she fuckin kicked me out of her house.. I don't know what the FUCK shes expects by being such a selfish brat, but that's not the way to go is she wants support.. She doesn't need a psychologist, she needs a fuckin psychiatrist! In fact, she needs a life . She needs a fucking life .
Now if she reads this, I'll adress directly to her.
If there's only one way I can help, it's by telling you the straight truth . You NEED to open up to the world! Sometimes I wonder if you live in this world, if you're with us or just in some magical world where Japan and Québec are one.. You need to meet people, you need to have a wider social life . You need to get away from what hurts you instead of cuddling with it . I KNOW how you feel . I've been there, and I still go there sometimes, but I have friends to keep me afloat . If you keep isolating yourself from the world, you might get hurt less, but you're alone when you're hurting . That's bad stuff . Also, to KEEP your friends, to keep those people who love you around, you gotta take care of them in some way . You can't just kick people around and then expect them to always come back . You know, it hurts to see that someone you almost considered your best friend leaves you alone when you most need a friend.. It fuckin hurts to be alone . Now you see, I'm not alone . I have friends, I have a life outside of my computer and basement . I almost got kicked out of my house that week, I lost you as a friend, I fell in love (in my case it's a bad thing) and I realized I was really late in my studies.. but you see, I'm still here and I'm pretty happy . Why ? Because I have FRIENDS .
Admire...ADMIRE I say! Ze grrreat work of arrt!!
Ze grrreat work of arrt!!
I'm just SO fuckin bored right now.. I'm in my numeric image class, which I affectionatly call 'Photoshop for dummies'..I should be working right now, ne? I should be listening right now, ne? ERROR ! The teacher's showing us how to work with layers...*SNORING*
Well yesterday I finished Kiki's Chen costume. It's a plain black shirt, with Yukata style arms and a big red dragon patched on it . It's sooo nice! I'm wearing it right now..*coughs* ^^;; What's nice is..I still have tons of cloth, so I can do a layered skirt to go with it . I'm probably gonna do it three colors : the bottom layer in white coton, another layer in black velvet and the last in red velvet . I'll see what it looks like, anyways it only cost 20 bucks in cloth =P
Well that's about it, since love life doesn't evoluate much lately..*sighs*
I posted about a guy two days ago..and I STILL didn't find the guts to tell him about my feelings..I had the best fuckin opportunity, and I didn't take it . Like an idiot . I froze on place and I changed the subject . Like*an*idiot! >.<;;; Well at least I made contact with the guy..*coughs* that's a first.. I spent a ride to the metro chatting . Ok..that isn't very much subtle if that person reads this, but to this point...do I seem to GIVE A SHIT?!? I'm a shy person when it comes to this anyways, and I have no self-esteem whatesoever, so if nothing or nobody hints him towards it, he'll just never ever know.. And no need to tell me I'm pathetic, I already know and assume it . *nods*
I'M SO FUCKIN HUNGRY !!!!!!!!! ><;;; I only ate a granola bar this morning, and now I'm STARVING !! XD I'm currently in my photoshop class, producing some VEEERY evoluated piece of art..*COUGHS* See for yourselves : Click here to see this -wonderful- image.. I warn you, you won't be able to forget this . It's genius .
Well anyways... on another level, I'm quite disturbed. I have mixed feelings about myself and someone . In english, I have a crush . *nods* He's exactly the kind of guy I like : sociable (in his own way at least), smart, he has something to talk about, he's half insane (gotta have at least THAT in common..*COUGHS* ) and well..I think he looks kinda good..*blushes like an IDOTIC LIL' BIATCH* *hates self* I'm even dreaming of that guy, I'm drawing him in french class, all kinds of stupid high school girlie reactions.. I so hate myself right now, but anyways...it could be worse .. It could be Charles . *DIES LAUGHING*
I feel so lost..and alone... It's as if nothing could go right from now on . I've been feeling this way before, but now it's more intense, more real. Before, I -FELT- like I couldn't count on my friends..now, I KNOW for a fact they're not here for me . In fact, when I needed a friend the most, she kicked me out of her house in order to spend the evening with someone else, cause it 'had been planned'...
So I ended up alone, with no place to go.. well you know what? Fuck her..FUCK HER ! When she needed me, when she didn't feel very good, I was fuckin there for her, and now that I need her she fuckin kicks me out of her house.. That bitch knows who she is, and the fuckin dumbass that was with her too knows who she is . Well girls, you'll never take advantage of Tatsu again . Tatsu's had enough .
So now that things are clear, I still have no place to stay.. I get home very late every night in order to avoid my parents, and so far it works, but I'll eventually have to move out, eventually meaning VERY soon.. To all my idiotic friends I sound like a spoiled child throwing a fit, but I've really had enough of my father's psychological violence...
I should maybe explain what went on, to those of you who don't already know..
Since I came back from Toronto, my father cares more about his car than he cares for me . In fact, he doesn't give a damn anymore . I'd die and he'd be saddened more by the money he invested in me than by my actual death.. That's how it is now . Since I lost my job at Tim Horton's and started college, it's even worse . Now he has to pay for my car, for my books, etc. Since it's not going very well at his job, he's grumpy all the time, he never smiles, he plays the tough guy . However, his anger and stress shows : he takes it out on me nd my mother . Last week, he menaced my mother to leave her, simply because he couldn't stand me anymore and she wouldn't give me up for him.. She told me that . To my face . That's when I realized I couldn't live there anymore . After that we caught other fights . My father was harsh before, but now he's just simply mean . He says the worse things just to hurt me, and it seems to make him feel better about himself (in some twisted way). I really want to grab him by the neck and choke him to death..and I know I'm hurting enough to do it . That's why I need to get away...
I'm still and always pissed off.. Not for the same reasons tho . I'm pissed off at myself, for not being more independant . I carry everyone here and there in my car and never make them pay.. But OHHHH~ believe that's all gonna change . I won't carry anyone anymore.. I'm sick of paying to carry other people's asses in my car, when they don't even understand that it cost a lot to make a car roll..-______-;; I feel fuckin used, and I hate it . So take it all for granted everyone, you all walk or take the bus from now on . The Tatsumobile will only carry Tatsu .
I'm really starting to get pissed off... I know I souldn't be expecting answers from japanese rockers, they couldn't care less if I like them and what they do.. However, I put a lot of effort into writting to them in japanese, even if it's not very good japanese.. I even recorded a Guruguru cover for God's sake! -______-;;;
Ok well I say japanese rockers, but I should just say Guruguru eigakan.. I got a pretty nice answer from Akubi, I shall not complain! (30 minutes...^____^;; I'm still very flattered and happy! Thank you Akubi!^___^;;)
Well anyways, to come back to Guruguru..they don,t answer to their BBS messages!! ;_____; 天野 is writting in his diary every day, about food or these kind of random things when I'm struggling with my poor japanese to write not only a message on the BBS, but a personal e-mail! E-mail he probably didn't even read and deleted right away.. I feel neglected... ;____; I'm sad that even though I put all this effort into writting in japanese and recording a song for them, none of them (especially the principal concerned) didn't even bother to at least answer a little something..
Well anyways, here is another file I recorded . It is me trying to play 思春期ッ！靑春ッッ！！硝子張りッッッ！！ on the guitar...Yes, I'm conscious I'm playing the BASS track on a GUITAR, but I'm having fun, OK?!!! (^___^)
思春期ッ！靑春ッッ！！硝子張りッッッ！！
I'm currently in class, waiting for my photoshop class to start..I'm so~~ bored.. -_______-
Remember I posted a song me and Haema did couple days ago? Well I posted it on Guruguru's BBS...O.O; My friend wanted to kill me! (^___^)
Well well.. I guess I should work now...*COUGHS*
br>
I'm so fuckin stupid..I forgot my keys in my car, so now I'm stuck at the college until the person that has the double comes, which will probably be in 4 hours...and my cigarettes are in my bag, which is in my car..I'm going to DIE !!! X____X;
I SUCK >o<;;;
Anyways.. I still had a pretty good day ^^;; I wrote in my last post that I'd written a mail to Amano, right? Well after that I also wrote on Guruguru's BBS...and on Dokutero's BBS. (yeah, I was on a japanese frenzy! ^^;;) Well anyways, Amano sucks, I'd kick him on the moon him and his fuckin cats..-___-; (of course I know I'll regret saying that later..^_^)
However, I got answers on Dokutero's BBS ^^; Akubi answered my post, in english!! Upon reading his diary, I found out he had spent 30 minutes writting those simple lines.. ^___^;; I thought that was very sweet of him . However, I managed to understand Youichi in japanese, Akubi didn't have to write in english in order for me to understand!! Hehehe..Still, I praise him, as recommended . ^____^;;; Shall I mention it takes me a while to write in japanese too, but I'm the fan and he's the artist, right? It's just not the same I guess..he doesn't have to take the time to write to me in my language . I should be the one going through the troubles of translation ^___^;; Well still, all praises to Akubi! ^___^;;
This is the first entry on the new Rose of Pain..(gotta rename that shit...-____-;;)
As you all probably noticed, if you don't read japanese, you don't read this blog! ^^;; From now on, if the music I'm listening to at the moment is in japanese, I'll write the name in japanese . I added titles to my entries too, they're in japanese for now (it's totally normal if you don't understand the previous entry's title, it's a parody of the great and wonderful excite translator ^^;;)
I also removed the music section for now . It'll be up in a while, re-vamped and html this time . I'm sick of the list, it's ugly and it's totally unuseful, so instead I'll make a kind of request board with..no..requests.....o.o; ok, that doesn't make much sense, but I know what I'm doing ^^;;
Well, that's about it . I'll go back to anxious waiting (even if I know it's 5am in Japan *COUGHS*).. I'll leave you with another novelty, A MUSICAL DOWNLOAD !!!!!!!!!
Everyone: Ouuuuuuuuuu~~~~~~~~~~ !
*COUGHS* ^^;; Here's a Guruguru 'a capella' cover me and Haema did last night ^^;;
♪恋ころん。君にはコロン、部屋無音。♪
Holy fucking shit, I can't believe I actually DID what I did today...O.O I SENT A MAIL TO AMANO !!!! *dies* Well, actually I sent TWO mails to Amano...*COUGHS* lol . Well, I'll start from the beginning if you'll let me..
I was at Haema's place yesterday and I had the brilliant and magnificent idea to write to Amano *COUGHS* . So we wrote..we managed to write something like " Hi . My name is Tatsumi . I'm canadian . I don't speak japanese fluently . Sorry . " ¬____¬;;; Since we thought it could get worse if we continued (took us two hours or so of writting, traducing, doing other things too to keep our heads from imploding cause of surcharge of Amano-related material) .
Today (well technically yesterday, since it's 3 in the morning *COUGHS*) I went to Haema's place again to finish this piece of crap.. and so we did, adding very smart and consistent stuff such as "You music is very unique and 'insert adjective here'. I don't understand the lyrics much, but the music is very 'cooool'! I Enjoy the theatrical aspect of the lives . We don't have such things in Canada *tears* (and yeah, I really put the 'tears' there ¬____¬;;) .
It's really sad..-_____-;; So we finished it off kinda like that, keep going, laterz . Only thing is..when we went to paste the e-mail in my hotmail account, we copied/pasted Amano's e-mail adress and accidentally pushed the 'send' button, therefore sending a wonderfully blank e-mail to him >.<;;;;;
We we able (or we think so) not to look too dumb by adding a one liner to the real e-mail, reading 'Sorry for the blank mail *very drunk*' ^^;;;;;; And YES ! We really did tell Amano that we were drunk... lol We weren't drunk of course, but we were so tired, it was almost as if we were! lol Anyways...I'm not waiting anxiously for an answer...in the meantime, we went eating in Chinatown, and I met a few people I hadn't seen for a while . Neko-channnn~~~~~! ;___; *coughs coughs* Anyhow, I'm still up and wishing for a reply...soon...;____; C'mon Amano! Let's go! Write! WRITE DAMMIT~~~~! ;_____; Tatsu's going nuuuuuuts! NUUUUUUTS !!!! X__________X;;;;;
I'm currently at Edmont for my second day of class, and currently waiting before my first french class . Horror . Pain . Suffering !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *COUGHS* o.o Anyways, I tink I'll remove my philosophy classes from my schedule..it's the only class I have on wednesday, and the second half is on friday...last class...then again, horror, pain SUFFERINGGGGGGGGGG~~~~~ !!!!!! *COUGHS COUGHS*
Well in any case, I'll remove it from my schedule so I can go out on tuesday night . And so I can sleep on wednesday morning . *nods nods* I think I'll also take singin classes.. It couldn't hurt, and since my best friend had some (and sorry Kiki, but you're not that much of a singer) and she liked it, soooou~~! I think I'll like it . Anyways . I better leave now, I have some shit to take care of (a.k.a philosophy classes)
Well well, going back to my old habitudes, blogging once every two weeks! At least now I don,t change layouts every week ne =P Well....nothing much new, I'm going back to school tommorow..my comp is dead (yeah, I'm not at home right now, duh) . We REALLY have to change it, cause now after the sound and the drives, internet decided to freak out . So my comp actually makes contact with the modem once a day, for approximately 15 minutes..-______-;; Anyways, I won't be blogging much ne . Unless I do so at school . o.o
I'm currently at Haema's house with Tama and Jess . I decided to blog while they'l watching the Igyou no utage video . Man, I'm really about to go crazy.. I'm SICK of hearing nothing but Angura Kei talk.. I'm SICK of guruguru eigakan, I'm SICK SICK of Inugami circus-dan, I'm SICK SICK SICK SICK of anything anguraaaaa~~
!!! -________-;;
Everytime I'm with Haema for a long time, I just end up with an overdose..an overdose of Amano pictures, an overdose of Amano stories, an overdose of anything related with Amano in fact, cause that's really all she talks about . Amano here, Amano there, George II, Kyouko, Yoshikawa, Amano, Amano, Amano~~~~~~ !! X__X; *dies*
We just came back from a trip to La Pocatière (Jess' city) and ALL we've been listening all through the trip was HER songs.. I finally could listen to Sads for 20 minutes, cause Jess likes them too, but we fast went back to her MD..I don't wanna diss anyone *coughs*, but all I'm saying is (takes notes) there's something more out there than angura and computers..we had the best time at LaPoc playing guitar outdoors on a bunch of rocks over the St-Lawrence river, and it just seems like I couldn't get her to do that here.. I'd propose to go out with one of my friends' and she's always say no, so I don't propose anymore..and now I see that she had a good time yesterday and I KNOW that if I propose the same thing with a friend of mine she'll say no.. *shrugs* Anyways.. I feel like I'm hanging out with a childish, spoiled brat sometimes, it's always her way or no way.. I'm getting sick of that little game . I'm starting to think that our friendship is based on angura kei, and that if I wouldn't like angura kei she wouldn't talk to me at all...
Well..aside from that, I had the time of my liiiiife at LaPoc!!! ^^;; Jess is soo nice and so are her friends Dany and Mathieu ! We actually DID stuff with her, and as we were on the rocks the 4 of us, we jammed . I played the guitar and sang, Mathieu accompaigned us with his 'Jambe' (Tam Tam -___-;;) and Haema sang with us . If was such a wonderful moment.. *nostalgic sigh already* Anyways..we also saw cows humping each other, we took tons of pictures in the car and we even composed a song about the yellow water t LaPoc.. ^^;; In all it was GREAT vacations, except for the last few hours with Haema's mood swings..
I'm brain dead..I just got back from talking with my boss, and I lost it . I lost my job . Well not exactly, cause I still have the option of working as a cashier one night a week, but after the conversation we had, and after the experience I've had working there, I don't feel like I really can accept that offer..
So I'm here, in my basement, trying to drink one of my left over Asahi beer.. People say it drowns your pain, I wanna see if it works . But as of now I can't even seem to enjoy it, so it's not working much for me.. Perhaps if I do a drinking game.....*shrugs* Anyways, it doesn't change the fact that I'm now unemployed, and that I don't feel like being employed again anytime soon.. I think I'll try and sell some art on e-bay, or somethin.. Never know ne, it might just work O.o;
Im at the Sinonet,I spent an evening just chatting with Will, aka Sino Jr. =P I was just bored at home, so I took a trip here with a good book . I ended up reading only abig total of 20 minutes!! Haha !! *COUGHS* Anyways.. Im spending a good night in good company. We talked about tons of things all more typical of asians, such as separatism, youthful tendencies to drugs, strong cigarettes, Kenny *COUGHS* Bah, we also discussed Takeshi (a japanese actor that makes movies in Hong Kong too), generalities about asian movies, etc. I helped him a little with cleaning the tables after a group of 24 people came bursting in claiming 20 bubble teas at once X___X; ..but I got one of my bubble teas discounted from my bill for that, hehe =P
I like coming here on mondays, since there's nothing else to do.. it passes the time in a nice and inexpensive kind of way, and I get to spend quality time with different people . I get sick of always being with the same friends doing the same thing night after night, it's nice to spend time with people you don't know well for a change . Anyways, I should log off now, maybe clean off more tables, maybe I won't have to pay anything =P heheh
The cosplay was a real deception, a major disaster . It really made me realize how much people can be careless and independant . The ones I used to care about changed so much, it scares me . The only good repercussions of these changes were noticeable on the people I used to hate.. I should rejoice maybe? Maybe I should wear that damn mask again? I notice now that whatever I feel towards someone, it's bound to change soon . Should I just do like them and stop caring? Maybe being hypocritic and careless is the only way of surviving in the 21st century...
Whatever I do, I always end up hurt . When I expect it least and -need- it least most of all, I get a stab in the back . I feel lethargic and..actually I don't feel . I know I already blogged on this lack of feelings, but now I understand it better . When I feel, I wish I didn't, and when I don't feel, I wonder what's going on . I don't know, maybe I should just let go of all this thinking, perhaps I should let time roll by and just follow its flow..I'm tired, exhausted..not emotionally, not physically, mentally . I'm tired of thinking, of living . I don't want to die, I just want to understand life . I want to understand so bad that my brain itself is telling me to take a break . I know perfectly well that I'll never understand life, not even in death . I understand that no living being ever succeeded to understand himself perfectly, to understand everything that was going on in its mind, in its heart, in its soul, to understand its feelings and its dreams.. Now what I'm wondering is why some people succeed to find happiness if they don't even know what happiness is, what it stands for, when and why happiness strikes.. If the world works by oppositions, love and hate, happiness and sadness, peace and war, good and evil, then how does one deal with the fact that he can't completely be white or black, completely sane or insane? I just want to find my place in this world..
I can't believe I'm actually listening to this...O.O I was the first to say Evanescence sucked, that they were a sad attempt to make goth culture mainstream, and now I'm listening to their songs...>.<;; But I really can't help it ! The lyrics sucks, the concept is over-used, but..but..the song is GOOD dammit >.<; Why does it have to be SO addictive? I don,t get tired of listening to it...
Anyways..I'M ON VACATION TOMMOROW AT 3PM !!!! XDDDD~ I'm so happy, I can't contain it..^^;;
and....
I CAN'T WAIT TILL SATURDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *COUGHS*
I can honestly say that going out with new people and getting some days of rest helped me get things into perspective . I decided not to switch from baker to cashier at my job, first thing . I also decided to take life as it comes, and TRY not to worry too much about what poeple think of me...that'll be hard, but I'll try..
anyways, sorry to those who suffered my mood swings.=/
Actually no. I didn't feel empty, nor do I feel empty right now . Drained, but not empty . There's still this stabbing pain in my chest, the uncontrolable need to cry my guts out, the feeling of complete unusefulness (if that's even a word..) . I feel . I still feel . This is what makes me wanna die . If at least I wouldn't feel, then ok, I'd be pathetically miserable and perhaps even already dead, but AT LEAST I wouldn't feel like...at least I wouldn't feel, period . I one week, I broke down and cried 3 times, 3 of which occured while I was at my job . Actually, make it 4, cause I cried twice today .
I don't know what bothers me more..the fact that I feel like crap or the fact that no one gives a damn . I know I shouldn't expect, I know I shouldn't hope for things that will never happen.. It's no one's fault if I'm such a mess..but still, I realize that when someone I care for feels bad or depressed, I'm always there for her, but when _I_ feel like dying, those people I was there for completely abandon me . Ok, they have problems of their own . OK, they can't help me solve my issues . OK, OK, OK !!! I KNOW they can't do miracles, and I don't fuckin ASK for miracles! Just for a damn presence, for a sign that they care, that I'm not completely unloved, that I'm not just a crap to them too . Is that SO much to ask? For a FUCKIN phone call ??? To anyone that might feel concerned by this, you most probably are .
I really think I should go see a doctor about this.. They invented pills against depression, perhaps they work..or at least if they ease the pain once in a while, it's better than nothing..
Personal Note : To whom it concerns, through all the evenings I spent at your place, I've tried to understand you . I've tried to figure out what was wrong with you, what was wrong with me.. I still didn't find out, and yet, you never really helped me out . You never opened up to me . And while I was opening up and feeling low, you never seemed to care . I'm asking you this, now : have we ever been, are we, and will we be friends?
I'm feeling so empty right now.. worthless and empty . My personal life sucks, my professional life sucks, everything is just wrong right now . No, not right now, it's always been wrong . I feel wrong . It's as if nothing could ever go right for me . I KNOW I'm the problem, I KNOW I drive my friends away from me, I KNOW I don't put any effort into making my life better, and that's what depresses me the most : the fact that I just can't find the energy and/or the motivation to be happy . I just feel like a piece of nothingness, which I am, and I live with it without questioning it . Why do I bitch about my life since I'm the only responsible for its decadence? Am I the only responsible? Why don't I do anything to make it better? Can I do anything to make it better? All these questions I cannot answer to, they're fucking me up .
I can't sleep anymore, I don't eat right anymore, I completely stopped taking care of myself, I feel like everyone hates me, I start to cry for nothing and feel like dropping everything, I'm even sick of music..
Today at my job I wasn't into it, and my superior didn't fail to remind me . She bitched about my work, saying I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't doing what I had to do, I didn't know how to work efficiently, etc. I swear, at first I wanted to jump in her face, and right when she left to go back at her own job (bitching and cashing), I went into the freezer and started crying all the fuckin tears I had left in my exhausted body . I'd worked SO hard this morning to keep up with my production, and so did I yesterday and the day before, and I was told I wasn't good enough still . I was left with a huge rush every single day this week, cause the girl that usually does nights was on vacation (and she's replaced by a guy that does half of his work) and who gets all the blame and the bitching? ME ! My feelings are so mixed up.. I feel like everytime I try to make it right, it all fails miserably.. And even if I talk about my feelings, there's just no one there to make me feel better.. You know, sometimes just a hug could make the difference.. or just a little encouragement, a little 'don't worry, tomorrow will be better' would make me feel appreciated . Silence just makes me feel even more alone . I really don't know who to turn to anymore.. No one really tells me anything, I don't feel close to anyone . I think none of my friends ever saw me cry . And it's not cause I don't cry enough!!! I cry every day . And yet again, most of my friends don't tell me about their problems.. They'd rather just write them on their blogs.. I don't know, but somewhat cheering up someone makes me feel better about myself, simply cause I make people I love feel better.. I despise silence, and yet I'm surrounded by it right now and it feels right..maybe cause I despise myself, I might feel like I'm not worthy of sound? (ouu..that line would make a good song..o.o;)
It's odd..I feel good when I'm around people, but I feel just as well when I'm alone at home..perhaps cause my parents make me feel like a piece of shit?
I don't know..all I know is that sometimes they feel like a mirror . I hate them cause they're a reflection of me, and I hate myself too . Maybe I need to make a list of all I hate about them and all I hate about myself? It could help me figure out some things . My psychologist told me it was all about communication, but I think it's all about esteem and respect . They don't esteem me and they don't respect me, just like I don't esteem and respect myself . If I learn to love myself more, could it help? And anyways..how in HELL am I suppose to learn to love myself when I'm always reminded of how uncared about and lifeless I am?
Someone, please, wake me up..I'm living a real nightmare of loneliness and despair, mixed with a serious depressive state and a false courage to face all my demons...
Wow...no really...WOW.....O.O I found a KPop Rag Fair..
-click here- if you feel courageous..O.O
Warning: The following picture can be disturbing to some people . Recommendation is to NOT click on the link if you're either pregnant, epileptic, promt to heart attacks and/or under the age of 18 . If you're all of the above, you're one sick puppy . *COUGHS* Parental discretion is advised .
Anyways...aren't scared yet? Wait till ya see THIS! ^^;;;; Now C'MON ! Admit it, you can FEEL the ressemblance!!! He's blond, he's playing da electrical portative piano thingy, he's wearing white shoes, his face scream "I'M HAPPYYY~~" and...he's korean ! That doesn't lie..he's a kewl dude . *COUGHS* Anyhow..luv ya Huh Jung Min ^^;;
Now....doesn't his name just reveal all about him? HUH?!? ^^;;
I'm sooo~ keww~l !
Well well...enough about korean poppers...=P Time to..hum..go to sleep now.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *falls asleep on keyboard*
Wow....it's been a month already......O.O
I've got some time to catch up...w-what am I talking about, I have nothing to catch up, everything remains the same! But anyways, I'm kinda pissed off right now..without apparent reasons.. But...it pisses me off to get left behind cause I don't like someone...I feel like everytime this person's around, everyone feels like they should leave me behind so I don't have to suffer her presence, but it would bother me less to be in her presence than to be alone... It just sucks when you feel like you have to go to make things right . I don't get invited here, I don't get invited there everytime she's around... I'm starting to wonder if she's not prefered over me..?!? I don't know, that's my paranoE..but it still hurts to be left behind...
Sorry, I didn't really have time to post much lately . Not that I actually should be sleeping right now, but..*COUGHS* ^^; Anyways, just wanted to drop a note, just so that people don't worry about my health, or think I'm dead due to lack of sleep and over-demanding job...*COUGHS~~~~*
Well anyways, I took some time to make myself another tape for my car cuz I thought it MIGHT be time to change it..(yeah, the one that was in there for the past month was KINDA starting to drive me crazy..) . Even my friends were getting sick of it, so..^^;
Anyways, I think it's time for me to go to bed now...
...
...
=/
I feel so lost and exhausted..I'm in such a bad mood this weekend, it's almost scary.. I smile, but it's not honest . I cry all the time, I'm grumpy and I get rude at times . What bothers me is that I'm not able to deal with my emotions anymore . It's as if I didn't have control over myself, it kinda freaks me out .
On the other hand, there's the loneliness..that damn loneliness.. Not the kind of lonely that you feel when there's no one around, I like that kind of lonely. The kind of loneliness that you feel when people are around you, when people talk to you, when people come to see you but that you feel somehow like they're in another time line.. I feel like that more and more now . I know it's illusionary, but it still makes me sad . It gets me wondering if I'll ever be "normal" . I see bad everywhere around me, I constantly feel like I'm being ignored or misunderstood or judged by my friends, even if I damn well KNOW it's not the case.. I just can't stop this feeling of rejection, this marginality, this alternate dimension I'm living in..
It might sound odd said like this, but that's just how I feel all the time . Utterly alone and clueless as to who or what made me like this . I don't even trust my best friend, I wonder why my other friends even enjoy being with me, or with this facade of me should I say . Most of the time, I look just fine, happy, smily, I joke and seem to have fun . But really I'm filled completely with sadness, bitterness and lies..
I know I should get rid of this facade, I know I shouldn't hide my true feelings, my true self, but I can't help but think that if I ever let the real me show, I'm gonna end up alone.. I tried once, I tried opening up to a friend I thought I could talk to about
those thought and those feelings of being alone and neglected by the people around me, but that friend took it personal and I ended up feeling even worse than I did before..
Thing is, I DID see a psychologist about it, but it was just completely unuseful, due to the fact that i KNOW what my problems are, but I can't make them go away . I'm conscious that I have absolutely no self-esteem, I know I expect too much from others, I know I should learn take some distance on the things/people that make me feel bad about myself, I know I should learn to love myself, but somehow everytime I try to make a change something bad happens and I'm back at the departure...it's as if I was caught in a game of Snakes and Ladders, and that I was always sliding down the first snake while attempting desperately to reach the ladder...
I'd really wish I could do something about it, it's driving me mad . I feel like I'm gonna be stuck like this til I die..
I was told not to use Edmont to refer to my new college, so from now on it will be Edmont 2 . *nods*
Well well, I'm STILL at Edmont...it's 8:30 in the morning and I have nothing to do...SO I update my blog reading!! ^^;; *wuggles Mole..uhh..Haema ^^;;* lol HAPPY B-DAY !!! ^^;;
It's true, I never did see you mad..and sincerely? I know what a shy person that's holding it up inside looks like when she's mad.....don't get mad at me, m'kay? ^^;;;; lol (no..I don't have a shy best friend at ALL *COUGHS* o.O; )
And well...100% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XDDDD YATTA !!!!! *wuggles*
And to Tama, DAMN YOU !!! *hits you with a stick* tatsuMI TATSUMII~~~~~ !!!!!!! *eye twitch* And by the way..depanneur = convenience store ^^;;
*coughs* I'me not bitter, but I couldn't help but notice that both of them didn't mention my singing.. ___; *a little sad Tatsu*
I'm sitting at my best friend's college...which will soon be MY COLLEGE TOO ! =DD I've been accepted at Edmont man!! *o*;; *is happy* I have to come back tommorow morning for my admission meeting . I only have one condition for the rest of my studies..not flunk any classes in my first session..>.<;;;
Well it's understandable, considering I already flunked ALL my classes for the past session..one at 4%..that's GOTTA hurt..lol
Well anyways, I also went to the Sinonet last Saturday, it was SOO~ COOL !!! Anyways, I got to sing 'Helene' with BlackBird again this week, but this time was fuckin amazing! It really got out, and I had a god mic for a change..^^;; Anyways, there was also a punk show!! Two chinese guys (and one was CUUUTE!) played some chinese punk, but there was only a vocalist and a guitarist, so it sounded crappy..they would've needed AT LEAST a drum base line, which I could've done easily..Anyways, after the show the guitarist (the cute one =P ) came to see me and we got to present each other . He complimented me on my voice and I complimented him on his guitars ^^;; I also got to talk a bunch with Jackie, BlackBird's keyboard player and backvocalist . He's really such a nice guy! We talked for half an hour .
But definetly...the BEST part of the whole evening...*drums*...I wasked BlackBird if he'd mind learning a song in japanese, and he said he wouldn't mind!!!! =DD I'm SOOOOOO happy ! =DDD So next saturday I'll bring him the tabs for Akuro no Oka, simply cause it's easy to play acoustic and it's easy to sing ^^;; Anyways, I don't know if he'll be able to do the backvocals, that would be great..or else I'll have to do them myself like a kickass that I am =PP
Well, that was a lot of news for one post! I'll give it a rest till next week!! ^^;;;;;;;
I'm right now at my best friend's house, haveing a great griefing party in hide's memory..so saad~ ;___; I hate May 2nds...
Anyways, We're gonna have a good boost of pink and a great great boost of hide-ish energy! XD
Oh...and by the way.......
......
I HAVE MY CARRRRR~~~~~~~~~~ !!!!!! XD XD XD XD !!!!!
Ok, so today I decided to assault look-alikes *COUGHS*
This is Kyo X Kyoharu . Now remember Kyoharu is Kyo's idol.
This is Kaor X hide . Now remember hide is Kaoru's idol.*COUGHS*
There are more, which I will post ulteriorly..now I'm tired as fuck and I wanna sleep . Oyasumi .
I WANT MY CAR, I WANT MY CAR, I WANT MY CARRR~~ >.<;;;
...that's all I have to say till Friday May 2nd. *nods*
I'm so tired..I've been updating and talking and downloading and updating again all day x.x; I feel like dropping down in front of the TV...or take a good bath..SOU~ desu ne, I'll just update my blog for now, before I go do all that! ^^;; I got my music section up and running . If anyone reading it wants to share, feel free to ask, my AIM and my MSN are given in the contact section . It's been LONG~ and boring, but I had to did it..Well in fact I DIDN'T have to do it, but it's less annoying when some asks you what you have to share ^^;;
I've been very busy lately, notingly with my new job as a baker and my new hobby of doing unusefull things such as an mp3 inventory *COUGHS* . I've also been singing with BlackBird again last Saturday, but it wasn't all that great...we did Father and Son by Cat Stevens, but he started it too low and it sounded like crap..;____; EVEN WORSE ! I asked him if we could practice and he told me we were too good to practice! Pff...¬.¬;; I still managed to get it through to him that we could AT LEAST try it before the show begins so that we know exactly what tone I need it to be at to sing it..
Sugoi~~!! ^^;; I went to sing with Blackbird again tonight! I proposed to do Stand by Me this time, and we did it, but he also asked me to do the song we did last week again ^^;; The boss, Carson, told me I had a nice voice (^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;) and he told me to do another new song next week!! I really have no idea what to do...=/
Before that I went in the Old Port with Miihaa . Gosh, I don't know how to call her now..O.o; Miihaa, Haema, Nao, Rourou, Siam neko-koko (don't ask..), ... etc ... =/ I'll just call her Miihaa..that's what I'm used with..anyways, we went in the old port and just walked and talked for a while, it was nice . We walked in Old Montreal and browsed through the art galleries, tourist shops and yes, CHAIR BOUTIQUES !!! -_____-; Damn, we noticed there are TONS of those down there! Expensive new design chairs, in odd colors and shapes.. it was weird o.o; . Anyways, now I'm at her place and writting while she's in the shower! =P Hmm..what else did I do this week..oh! yeaah! I went shopping~~! =D I bought 4 shirts, a pair of legwarmers, glasses and uh....things . Anyways, that's all I guess...
Damn, I'm so tired..those are just random thoughts, typed in times of great depression again..it's no one's fault, no one should feel hurt or guilt tripped by those lines, it's -JUST ME-, ok? It's my damn blog after all, I can write what I damn feel in it!
Anyways, like I said, I'm tired. Tired of feeling alone and useless, tired of spending my life either sitting in front of my or of a friend's computer, tired of having to beg people to come out with me . From now on, I feel like letting people come to me..but hey, I know that would be suicide . As much as I know that the Earth is round, I know I wouldn't get any calls .
Again, I'm not saying this to make people change or to inspire pity, that's just the fuckin reality and how I feel, and I need to get it out .
I'm so damned confused..as much as I always believed you make your own way in life, you forge your own destiny, you decide who you wanna spend your time with, I realize now that the world is our real leader.. We can't control others, like we can't control the weather . Without using the word 'control', we can't expect our way with others . What are the chances after all that our friends think and feel the same way as we do? I understand it, but it makes me sick . I try desperatly to make people I love happy, I try to share my time with them, to let them know I appreciate their company, but those I love don't seem to love me back.. Is this how it's gonna be for the rest of my life? I know I'm overdemonstrative, does that mean I'm gonna be deceived and sad all my damn fuckin life? I wish I could be another way, but that's just who I am, I can't fight it . I show my affection . It's disturbing, but my psychologist saw that . She mades me realize that not everybody was like that and that if I expected to receive the same kind of affection, I'd always be deceived..however she didn't bother to show me how NOT to expect..
I'm still doing layout...endlessly...more, MORE layouts!!!! *COUGHS* o.o
I'm going crazy about this Photoshop thingy...my newest layout can be seen in the poetry section. I also added two in the gallery section . That's basically all I did lately..that and eat a whole fuckin lot. o.o I dunno, I might be mentally prenant, I have cravings for such things as chocolate and french fries...both at the same time.. o.o Anyways.. that's pretty much it..o.o
WAHHHHHH~ ! =D Sorry about this excess of joy, I'm just reaaally happy today..^^;; Ok, so here it is..
Yesterday I went to see BlackBird's show with Nini . Last week I went with my parents and I had a chance to talk with Blackbird, which was good since I was doing promotion for him..*coughs* Anyways! Last time I asked if I could do a song with him, but he took it as a special request..this week I told him we had misunderstood each other and I did the song with him ^^;; I got applauded TWICE ! ^^;;;;;;
And as if it was not enough, Andy gave me another free bubble tea !! =D Anyways...I think I'll go back next week! ^^;;
I didn't get the job...but who cares, it sucked anyways . I didn't have a boss, and the many responsible persons didn't have a clue . I ended up starving last Thursday cause I didn't get my pay until 4 o'clock..thing is I hadn't eaten since 6:30 that morning!! Lets just say I had quite a snack when I finally got my money!
Anyways, I don't have a job, but I have money and time, that's good! ^^;; I decided to be useful and to use that time to promote a good cause . Since I'm implicated in the asian society a bit, I thought I'd use my many different contacts to promote a chinese guitarist/singer, BlackBird . He's performing every Saturday night at the CafESinonet in Montreal's Chinatown . A very talented young man, I tell you . And very nice too! I had a chance to talk with him a little and to learn a bit more about him . He was born in China, he studied Computer Science in Belgium and now he's living in Montreal . I'll get my chance at singing with him next Saturday ^^;; He was very glad to know that I was doing promotion for him . He said it was very encouraging . If it makes him happy, I'm happy . At least I'll have done something good for someone!
On the other hand, it also pleases the Sinonet, they makes more profit on show nights . And I'm also taking over the building of the Sinonet webpage . I give you a sneak preview, before the page is even finished! ^_~
https://www.angelfire.com/az3/sinonet
Admit it, I'd be fuckin' good in publicity uh? Giving you a sneak preview of something that's already published on the web, that's giving you a fake impression of power, uh huh ! lol
Anyways.. To this day, I typed the whole menu of the place, I modified the layout and typed the office hours . I only have the internet and BlackBird sections to put up before Saturday .
Anyways, I'll have to stop working on my blog if I want to work on the Sinonet Webpage!!! ^^;;
Wow, lotsa stuff has been going on lately...
First off, I've found a job . I've been working all week end at the X20 shop in Montreal . It's not much, but it's a start .
After that, I've been out with Akiya and the japanime gang for Seb's birthday . We went eating at the Beijing restaurant and we took a bottle of Sake . I like that shit! It tastes like hot vodka! ^^;; Anyways, I ate the traditional cantonese chow mein !
After dinner, we went to grab a bubble tea and guess who was there?! *drums* the one and only....ANDY!!! ^^;; We only took our bubble teas for takeout, but we had time to joke a little . Such a nice ass! Hum..eh!....guy... *grins stupidly* Anyways!!!!
After the bubble tea we went dancing and chatting at the Buzz Club . That was just NICE ! =D I had a lot of fun, but unfortunatly I had to leave early.. but I had a nice goodbye.. *blushes a little* Anyways... ^^;;
I had a good time .
I finally finished those damn catalogue envellopes I've had to do these past days..I'm so fed up with it, I can't even see an envellope without sighing in total despair anymore. It took me nearly 15 hours, and I've been helped a couple of times. Damn, I hate working..
I've been working quite a lot on my page in my free time (which means night..). It's beggining to look like something I like. No more colors, no more pictures of odd japanese guys in the background, no more empty pages, no more empty words . I took a resolution this week . I don't know how much time it'll last, but I decided to take my life into my own hands and stop letting others tell me my vision is blurred and unrealistic . If so many realized what I want to realize, why couldn't I do it too? I believe that with determination and time, I'll somewhat get to where I wanna be . However, need help for that . I need help from my friends, as little as I have . I need help from the people around me that share the same passion for music .
There's a dark cloud hanging over these days. Bad karma . I enjoy it though, it leads to good writting . I've finally come up with some nice words to express myself . Sometimes I feel so much like I'm going straight into darkness, leaving all lights behind me...that's when I can't compose, be it music or lyrics or just simple poetry.. My life is a big turmoil of emotions just now . I keep losing passion..I keep losing track of myself, it scares me sometimes..like I'm not strong enough to keep myself up when something disturbs me . I have the oddest relationship with myself . I'm glad I know someone who feels the same . It heals the little scars I've tried to hide for so many years . We share the same relationship with music . It's kind of cathartic to us . The hardest thing is to keep your head up when someone tries to destroy the only thing you feel is worth living for.. The worse feeling in the whole world is not hate, it's not sadness, but emptiness . When you feel empty, nothing really matters, not even your own life .
*hits self* how could I forget so fast...argh! *bad Tatsu* When i think of it tho..I didn't get any birthday or Christmas presents..why would I give her one? -_____-;; *bad, bad, selfish Tatsu* Well yes, selfish . That the way I found to immune myself from ingratitude and feelings of not getting back what i give . I don't give anymore, period . -____-;; This way I'm pretty sure not to be hurt . Of course this is for people whom I feel abused me, not for everyone . I'll still give to my close friends, with great pleasure . So Rourou, YOU'LL GET A BIRTHDAY PRESENT !! ^^;; *hugs hugs* And Akiya, YOU WON'T GET ONE !! You'll get hugs only! So there *hugs hugs Kiki* =P
Well that's it I guess...NO! I got a job interview tommorow, wish me luck! ^^;;
"how are you supposed to feel when you try and do your best to help someone you consider as a friend, only to get shit in return? i'm just trying to help, but if it makes you feel even more depressed, fuckin' leave me alone rather than draining my energy and claiming that nobody gives a shit about you. i have my share of problems too, in case you haven't noticed."
Well primo, I do understand how it is to try your best to help someone and get no 'reconnaissance' back..does Miyabi ring a bell to you? Segundo, I'm grateful for your attentive ear. I needed to get it out, and I'm sorry if it hurt you . Tercio, if it makes you feel like shit, if it makes you mizerable, I just won't talk to you anymore..I don't want my shitty state to spread to my friends..I do know you have your share of problems too, and I'd be glad to hear about them . Unfortunatly, you don't talk about them .
Now yatta, I feel like whatever I do I'm doomed..If I don't talk I get depressed, if I talk I get others depressed..Might as well just shut up then, at least my problems will stay my problems and I won't make others feel bad because of me....
faut juste que j'vide mon coeur..j'sais pas, chu qqn de tellement démonstrative, pis j'sais pas si j'm'entoure pas du bon monde, mais j'ai bo tout donner j'ai toujours l'impression de rien recevoir....pas comme si j'donnais pour recevoir, mais ca fait toujours du bien de s'faire dire qu'on est appréciE...chu du genre Etout laisser tomber si un de mes amis fille vraiment pas, mais j'ai l'impression qu'ya fuckin personne ki ferait la même chose pour moi...
C d'ailleur pour ca que j'en veux tant EManue....j'ai TOUTE faite pour la soutenir pis a trouve le moyen de me délaisser complètement, comme si j'étais pas assez importante pour qu'elle se déplace ou se donne la peine...
Même chose pour Akiya..depuis qu'elle a un chum, une gang, etc. j'existe plus...c comme si tout l'amour que j'ai donnEEc'te fille lEvallait pu rien tout d'un coup pcqu'elle a trouvEmieux...quand son chum va la laisser tho cEpas moi ki va la ramasser, cEpas moi ki va lui pardonner quoi que ce soit....j'en ai plein le cul de me faire prendre comme acquis....c comme si Tatsu étais toujours lE on a pas besoin de lui dire qu'elle est importante Enos yeux, on a pas besoin de l'appeller de temps en temps pour faire de koi, autre que du fuckin' rp...on a pas besoin de lui remonter le moral quand ca va pas...tatsu est lEsouriante, toujours gentille, Tatsu ki dis jamais ce qu'elle pense dans la face ds gens tout simplement pcque les seules fois ou elle s'est fait parler sérieusement par ses 'amis' ca étEpour se faire ramasser un tapon de bêtises....pis Tatsu Emal depuis ce temps lE Même depuis avant, mais ca cEune autre histoire .
J'en ai juste plein le cul de me ramasser toute seule le samedi soir Egosser sur internet . J'pensais qu'en partant EToronto, j'aurais des belles surprises...Ela place j'en ai eu des mauvaises . Chu revenue pis lEtout c'qu'il y a dans ma vie cEde la merde . J'torche la maisons de mes parents pis j'fais la bouffe Emon père pour 20$ la semaine (maison de 3 étages), j'ai même lavEle chien saint sacrament!!!! Tk..j'sors pratiquement pas sauf pour aller voir des films chez ma cousine pis pour aller boire un bubble tea de temps en temps, ya pas un criss d'employeur qui veut me prendre, j'ai pas de cash, pas de char, par d'appart, j'vis au bras de mes parents, j'bouffe mes émotions, pis sti qu'j'en ai des émotions!! J'en ai tellement plein de cul de ma vie de merde...non mais! J'connais les noms des finalistes de Star Académie! Pis criss, cEMaritza ki va sacrer le camps dimanche..-______-;;
La vie cEune salope....faut juste être aussi salope qu'elle pour l'aimer, ou bin être trop insouciant pour s'en rendre compte et vivre allègrement jusqu'Ela fin de nos jours...on fait partie d'aucunes de ces catégories...Chu vraiment tannée de déprimer pis de me faire dire 'cheer up Tatsu!' ou bin 'Va te faire instruire, après ca tu seras heureuse pis tu sortiras pis tu auras une vie digne de ce nom (bref tu auras du cash)'. Tk...ca en fait des choses de dites...
---Fin de "Tatsu en as plein le cul" Part. 1---
