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As I walk down the dark street, I could just barely make out the rumble of thunder overhead. I was lost in my own little world. There was nothing to do, really. Kuwabara was away on some family vacation. I never realized he was that close to his family. Lucky me, I get the honor of cat-sitting. Kuwabara...he was in an interesting situation. So many years have passed and now marked an engagement between himself and Yukina. You could just imagine how that settled with over-protective big-brother Hiei. Hiei had complained to me about the matter for quite some time. He now accepts it and is able to be somewhat peaceful to him in her presence, but makes it clear in her absence what should be expected from him. Fair warnings. You know them. They are the ones big brothers and fathers give to boys who get with their sisters and daughters. Always something about " I got a sword and a shovel, no one would miss you" or " I got a rifle and it has a bullet with your name on it." Kuwabara had trouble understanding the position Hiei was in...but nevertheless humored him. Hiei was in the Makai now. I sort of miss him. I'm not obsessive or anything, but on a night like tonight, his company would be wonderful...even amusing as he struggled with Ningen games. He was doing something for Mukuro now, however. That could mean almost anything. The two seemed close at times...even like family sometimes. Perhaps it had something to do with some common ground they shared. Let me see...Yusuke...he wasn't home either. He and Keiko were on their honeymoon. Where were they going again? Ko Somui? Hong Kong? Bahamas? I dunno. Oh, but it was a wonderful wedding. Keiko's family did all the cooking for that banquet, save the cake. Yusuke's mother....let's say she knew where to find good quality champagne at a good price. I make no further comment. But, in her favor, I see a woman who loves her son. What about Botan? No, she was busy on extra runs. It was a cold and wet season. A lot of elderly folk were dropping off like flies. For not fearing death, I take relief in my eternal youthfulness. If Botan was busy, however, that meant Koenma was ten times as busy. Poor runt. But, how about MY family? I moved into an apartment of my own about a year and a half ago. I do visit my mother and step-kin as often as I can. They were all out tonight though. My parents were enjoying a night alone on the town and me step-brother was spending the evening at a friend's house. ........ Another crash of thunder and it began to pour. It didn't matter. Just water and kabooms. It would take more than this to bring down the Great Kurama. This weather makes me think of the Makai, for no reason other than boredom. My time could be spent working for Yomi as dedicated as Hiei was to Mukuro. If I were in my Youko form, I'd have LOTS to do...sexual pun also intended. But, as Suiichi Minamino, I have a better reputation than that. I'm polite, respectful, and cold to the unknown to the flesh, so unlike my kitsune self....who is more sly- talking and physical...knowing both bodies of men and women. Does this mean I have the best of all worlds? In the darkness I see a figure cloaked in black. It staggers about in the rain and then crumbles to the sidewalk. " Hey!" I call out, running to the side of it. It's quiet and shivering...breathing raspy and tortured. I help it up.. It was a man...or a very flat-chested woman. " Hey, are you alright? Let me help you." " Leave me...to die," the voice pressed to speak. " Kudaran. Let me help you. Everything will be alright." " Iie!" The voice hissed. " You....only help for...you think....I am...a stranger. If you...knew me...you'd agree...I'm better off dead." " Don't talk nonsense," I insist. He staggers and slips backwards, falling into my arms, his hood sliding off. My eyes widen at the sight of his face, " YOU?!" ........ " So," I say quietly wringing a hot wet rag and returning to the sick, wet and shivering body on my bed, " what are you doing here?" Violet eyes peer wearily at me. He seemed to have nothing left....like he had nothing to give...nothing to take...just wanted nothing more than to give up...a look I had never seen on him. It had been several years since I had last seen Karasu. I thought for sure I had killed him. I thought wrong obviously. His mask rest on my bed- side table. I feared nothing. Karasu was too weak to be dangerous and his youki was almost non-existant it was so weak. " What," he whispered, " are YOU doing here?" " Nani?" " I have...no more energy...left for this life, Kurama...Itooshi." " Don't call me that, Karasu," I warned, never able to forget him. " What do you mean by that?" " Bundle up remaining energy abd....sneaking into the Ningenkai to start over....and be reborn. Are you not familiar with this tactic...Youko?" That was his plan. He WAS giving up. Too sick and too weak to continue being the demon he was...he would risk it all by using the last of his energy to flee into a human child and live as I had. " Karasu, the Ningenkai is very little if anything like the Makai. What would make you choose such a thing? And how did you ever survive this long?" Perhaps my demand was ill-timed. Even I can be a victim of poor tact. He flinched back at my voice and again as I placed the hot rag on his chest. The same wound seemed somewhat infected...the SAME wounds I had given him so many years ago. " Didn't this ever heal?" " No." Karasu sighed. He closed his eyes a moment and fought hard to open them again. " It BEGAN to heal...I suppose...I just got sick...and it never healed up. I suppose...one of those rare illnesses youkai are able to catch. I guess though, I'm just tired of taking care of it. It's not healing...I'm not getting well....haven't for years....just withering away. I can't use my powers....I'm worthless. Better off dead if I cannot be who I am supposed to be." His eyes were intent and serious. " Do it for real this time, Kurama." Another sigh. " Cut my head off this time so there'll be no questi....." he dozed off before finishing his sentence. Was this pity? Did I pity Karasu? I should kill him. He would kill me if he had this chance. But, if I killed him, he'd only be reborn. That was his reason for being in the Ningenkai. However, as a ningen, he'd learn a great deal of humility, as I had done. I shake my head as I look after his sleeping body. The wound was still visible....the wound *I* had given him. Strange after so many years it was still bruised and still there. I brush my fingers across it gently as I remember the moment I had given these battle-scars to him. Something wasn't right. These wounds should have healed YEARS ago if Karasu was lucky to survive. A youkai especially would be healed in a matter of days. This wound was minor....these opened wounds were not the source of his pain. There was something deeper...but what? It was some sort of sickness...but what could have caused this? ........ I remember when I first saw Kurama. Love at first sight. We were so determined to kill each other....almost did. He was the first to walk away from his wounds. Me? I took longer....fought a horrible depression as I tried to recover. Depression...at my loss? I won that round...but Kurama lived...and so...did I. There was no justice and no peace. Just, as I see it, a constant reminder of my torture. I figured he'd hate me to no end by now. He should have delighted in my death. So...why am I still alive as I lay on his bed? HIS bed.....the mattress he gave up for ME as he slept on the floor, in the chair and on the couch? Doesn't he seek revenge for what I tried to do to him? I inhale deeply. His scent covered every inch of pillow, of blanket, of sheet. It made me tingle with delight. I was able to see him. I could not say if I was dreaming or not. I fought often with consciousness. Was he really there every moment? Why? " Waking up?" I hear as I begin to open my eyes. My mouth is dry. I bring my hand to my face to touch my mask...out of habit. I keep forgetting that I placed it on the table beside me. I try to speak, but no voice comes out. Does he read me so fluently? He sits on the edge of the bed with a glass of liquid. Is it water? Juice? I can't tell right now. He assists me in sipping it. I'm eased. Juice...it is juice. " Why are you helping me?" He seems unphased by my question. He brushes hair out of my face and sets the glass aside. " You've been in and out for days." " Answer me, Itooshi." " I told you not to call me that." He warns. I smile. Yes, I remember, but it is in me to torutre him, even if only by mocking and annoyance. " Once I heal, I will kill you," I say quietly. " Will you? Why?" I'm silent. Why DID I want to kill him again? " Everything dies. Everyone we love...leaves." " Do you MAKE them leave, Karasu?" This question astounds me. I pause to think on it. " Kurama, it's better I kill the ones I love. I'm prepared then to let them go...say good-bye. Death...is a release...a doorway to possible peace. Is it wrong to want the ones I love to have that?" He is silent now. Have I then made my point? He closes his eyes. No, Kurama...don't close them. Let me see those beautiful green eyes while I can. "Are they?" He suddenly asks. " Nani?" " Are they ready? It's not wrong to want a release for them. But, it's useless...if they don't WANT it." No one has ever said such words to me. This is uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to talk anymore. I turn over, my back to him. I hate this strange tingly feeling...it hurts...it's....remorse.....guilt...conscious....STOP IT!!! GO AWAY!!! Kurama seems to understand my lack of interest....I don't want to talk anymore. He takes the glass and walks away, pausing at the door to talk over his shoulder to me, " You fall in love so easily, Karasu. But, do you know what TRUE love is? You have no concept of generousity, care or time. What good is your love and your gift of release?" A brief pause. " What good are they, Karasu? There's no time to discover or respond. Ten seconds does not show love. Did you honestly LOVE me, Karasu? Or, did you merely have a lust for someone...something you never thought you'd be able to have? You have no self-control and take to destroying what you can't have rather than put some effort forth and try to earn it...deserve it...anything. Those are the ways of a lazy coward. Why did I ever fear such a creature?" His words sting. So calm...yet so painful. Is this..because...I know they are...true? " Karasu, what is the use of your feelings of love when you love another? Why destroy it? You mentioned a strange high, but does it really make it all better? What good are your loved ones to you then? Now, they can never love you back." He leaves me with that. Leaves me in the dark to sleep yet again. How can I sleep though? I feel like I'm going to explode. Yes, I wish I could. Let me explode...release all these horrible feelings of pain, remorse...guilt...these damn emotions! No. Not enough youki to do such things. I might as well be human for all I'm worth right now. I need something to release this emotion. What? Is he gone? Is he there? I don't want to look. Who cares anymore? Darkness, be my sanctuary. I do the only thing I CAN do....the only thing my body, in this state will ALLOW me to do....I cry. ...... He's still sleeping as I put my laundry away. He has a sweet innocence in his sleep...as though he were someone else. I'm reminded of Hiei. Hiei has the same attribute. It can only mean then that the mask Karasu wears is not only the one physically on his face. I toe over and feel his face. Sticky....was he...crying? The marks of dry tears were on his face...staining my pillows.....his eyes...closed, but red and puffy along the outside. Otherwise, his fever had dropped. My guess was right. I had made a guess a few days back when pondering the wounds. Karasu, I thought, may have been suffering all these years from nothing more than an untreated allergic reaction. So simple to fix....yet could prove disasterous if ignored and untreated. In Karasu's case, it left him weak and powerless after years of neglect. The cause? Me. The plant I used worked much like a mosquito. First, it injects it's own saliva...a venom...it's own body fluids....to prepare the body and blood. Then, it extracts the blood. My plant worked the same way. An allergy to such a liquid plus a great amount of blood loss could be a terrible combination to a survivor. I was able to treat Karasu, though I questioned myself. WHY did I treat Karasu? I had no anger for him...no fear of him....I can't understand WHY. I estimate within a few days, he'll be strong enough to get about on his own. A few more days would bring his youki back to normal. But what then? Why would I give him the chance to become his old self and destroy the hand that fed him? He stirs and I jump back. He slowly sits up and rubs his face. He's quiet and wears a strange expression. He...WAS crying last night....wasn't he? ..... Does he know? I bring a hand to my face. Sticky. He DOES know. No point in lying, or speaking the obvious. He picks up a wet rag, wrings it and places it on my cheek. Is that...on your face, Kurama....could it be...concern? I place my hand over his and peer deep into his eyes......it IS! ...... We understand. No words come between us. We know. Kurama has concern...Karasu knows. We know. Karasu cried genuine tears.....Kurama knows. ........ Karasu peers into my eyes and I gasp. What happens now? I thought I had him figured. There is...so much I DON'T know. Out of nowhere, he gasps and I snap out of my daze. " Kurama" I don't speak...repsond verbally...yet I nod. I want him to know I'm listening. I've taken a sudden interest. " I'm so sorry." END
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