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There is nothing wrong with never letting go of childhood fantasies. I sure haven't. I hope I am forever young at heart. With the way things are around here, it's my wish to always be able to keep up. At least until my children can take over. Though, it's kind of early for me to be thinking about children. You wouldn't think of it just looking at me, but I often fight an ongoing war within myself. I'm not sure exactly what to consider myself, or what I want others to consider me, other than a prince and, to some, a good friend. But, you're probably wondering what I mean, aren't you? I'll do my best to keep it simple. For as long as I can remember, I've admired my father. Since I was able to comprehend, I've always wanted to be just like him...important...revered....and just plain popular. It was my own childish ignorance that clouded my judgement then, as it does to all children. You know what I mean, right? I never took into account the things I would need to be able to even comprehend what my father does during his long days. No, during those days I was still in diapers, worried only about the location of my crayons and favorite teddy bear. The greatest adventures for me in those days were avoiding the evils of bathtime and the annoyance of naptime. I suppose I inherited my father's persistance as I would always ask to help him in my innocence. A few hundred years of repetitive questioning was always followed with repetitive answers. " No. I'm sorry. You're just too young. Perhaps you can ask again when you're a little older." Do you know how much I hate to be talked down to like some infant? It bothers me to no end...and that was when I was an infant! Thing are a little different now. At least....I think they are. It was the greatest day of my life...so I thought...when my father finally said, " Son, I think you're old enough to start helping out around here." Ah, I wasn't the baby boy anymore! I was on my way to being someone special...and not just some cute chibi-tachi. I sat with my father in his office and watched the piles of paper fly up like petals in the wind and fall like snow. The workload ahead of me lay scattered all over the floor. How ignorant of me....I didn't even realize that this was my future for the next hundred or so years. Now, my shoulders bare a heavy load. I am always busy and tire much faster than I used to. Those naps I used to once dread are now only dreams just out of my reach for hours upon hours every day. But, this was what I wanted...wasn't it? Then, why am I unhappy? I'm in my adolescence now, though you wouldn't know it just by looking at me. I'm like a regent of sorts. I bare the brunt of things while my father is decides he's about to take on his second childhood and spend endless vacations with me doing his job. I haven't really decided if I mind or not. I like being seen as an important figure. I enjoy the respect, I like the reverence, I like the praise. I even like just being so flat out popular. That was what I wanted, wasn't it? Then, why am I unhappy? Oh wait...I know the answer to that one. I hate paperwork. I hate all that extra technicality, those responsibilities of my adult life that has squeezed it's way into my daily routines. Well, this is my destiny, isn't it? But, it can't get much worse than this, can it? I mean, after all, I am virtually running things, aren't I? Those days I spent in my infancy in total ignorance sometimes haunts me. My greatest pleasure in myself is that....I am aging very well. Who else do you know is 500 and doesn't look a day over 3? I'm definately like a good wine! But, I'm straggling off my point. I'm certainly more mature now than I was in those innocent days. Sure, I've become more adult in mind, but it doesn't mean my maturity maintains constant harmony. I mean....give me a break...even I'm not perfect. I need to keep myself amused if I'm to remain the sound mind. I've become the voice of reason, the voice of fair judgement and patience. These are things that my father...well...is not. I think anyone would rather deal with me than my father. Perhaps it is the misconception that I'm inexperienced, or that I am just the nicer face. I am quite experienced. I've been doing what I do for many years. But, I'll admit that I do not have all the answers. There are many things in my lifetime and time to come that I have failed to experience and have yet to experience. Only then will I truly know about these things in a way I did not when I lacked those experiences. I suppose I should be happy that I'm prefered in many situations than the services of my father. But, still, something troubles me. Have I grown up too fast? Did my childhood fade away without me even getting the chance to say good-bye? All the years I wanted to be grown up, and then there is this void where the question repeats in limbo. " Where do I go now? From here?" I remember when I first met Yusuke. Perhaps it was my own inner child that....who am I kidding? I'm still just a kid in a large manner of speaking. Anyway, I'm straggling away again. I liked him...Yusuke, that is. I don't know why, but I just did. I found him amusing, and certainly a unique individual. I'm sure he thought the same of me. I recall the things he would say about me...things that would normally offend me to no end. Yet, I found great amusement in his jests. Why? I may look like a child to him, but sometimes I feel my age. I don't like being the butt of the joke....not usually...but I wasn't offended. Inwardly, I had to laugh. Perhaps it was because equally, I entertained myself at his expense. This was a cruel and immature thought...but obviously a mutual one. Heh, and here I was trying to be superior. I often find myself thinking about his comments. I think about the days when I truley was a child of inferior status. Do I long for those days to return? Do I have trouble letting go? That is the time that those past comments offend me. Something in me flares up like a blaze and only for that short period of time does it fester in me. I'm offended....I'm unhappy. Why? Am I bitter? I know those days are gone. Is that why? Is it because I can't have them back? But, do I really want them back? Do I really want to go back and lose everything that I have worked so hard to accomplish? My father...he's proud of me. Do I want to revert back to when he loved me only as his child? His son? His bouncing bundle of pride and joy? What's different now? Ah, I'm not just the fabled son anymore. I'm not just the baby boy my father would take snapshots of to show off. No one is going gaga over my first steps or my first words anymore....but they see me as something else now. I am a prince! I'm not tickled and I'm not cooed at or drooled on for being the cute wittle boy anymore. I have a function here, now. Sure, I may look like the same baby boy, but no one sees me that way...do they? They don't converse with me the same. I dont' have to hear the stupid baby-talk anymore, nor do I have to try and translate it. I'm talked to as if I were an equal....ok I lied. I'm superior. I'm...well...a prince! I have so much now that I never even comprehended when I was his baby. But, I've gained so much for myself now...as his heir. Is this why I become angry? Is this why I'm supposedly bitter? Is it because I've outgrown childhood dreams and seek only to move forward into my adulthood with persistance yet again? Have I changed at all? Learned anything? What is it that I want? Do I want to go back? Move forward? Oh, my head hurts. Perhaps it's the whole "I grew up with everything you didn't" attitude. Do I have that? Is it possible that...I'm jealous? What is it that everyone else has that I do not? What is it that they had that I did not? Well, perhaps that's not a hard question to answer. Work always came first in my family. There was so much to worry about...I guess we never had time to truley be a family. So? Why should that bother me? Why would I envy everyone for that? I know lots of people who didn't get to sit down and be a family. Perhaps it was my lack of friends? Where did that come from? I'm the mighty Koenma! Who wouldn't want to be my friend? Hmmm...but what is the motive? Is it truly for my company? Or do they simply want to make themselves look better? Am I unwittingly being used as a pawn? Or is it genuine? Maybe that's why I like Yusuke....maybe. Is that what amuses me about him? He tells it like it is....whatever he's feeling, he just spits it out. Yes, I believe that's one thing I like. He's as-is. I still wonder about my previous notion. Do I desire to grow older? Do I want to be grown up...even now? Just throw away what bit of youth I have left and replace it with nothing but mature adult duties? Why am I asking this? It's my human form....the fair young man I can become. With that body I feel assertive and mature. Not that I don't in my true form...but one tends to hold more respect for a young man than one does a child. Such a radiation of vibe on such times. Yes, perhaps that is it. I want to grow up...become the big boy. I want to make my father proud and create my own great legacy! Or do I? Jiji....the word that seems to offend me the most. Am I really an old man? No, I can't be...I'm not even a man yet! I'm still....no, I'm not a kid anymore. I suppose I could consider myself...a teenager. Right? Why can't I laugh it off? Hiei calls me jiji. I suppose he could find it laughable. He's younger than I am. But....he's considered a man, isn't he? I could laugh it off, right? I'm still just ahead of my prime. Nothing I should get worked up about. I may be older than Hiei....but I retain the spark of youth he obviously is missing. He's just jealous...he envies me. I'll just keep telling myself that. But then....why am I unhappy? Is it possible that I don't want to grow old either? Is it that I fear being the elderly one? Does it bother me that I am only closer to my own fall? Am I following in my father's footsteps? Am I wishing to push on so hard and so fast that the best years of my life will wilt away and die long before I realize I should have stopped to smell the flowers along the way? I do wish to retain my childhood, don't I? Is that the inner comfort I have.....keeping this pacifier? That I somehow retain a bit of childhood I didn't want to give up? Oh, these questions are making me dizzy. Not even in my 600's and I'm feeling the grey hairs sprout with all this worrying. Perhaps that is my problem. I worry too much. I look at my own reflection in the mirror and I just have to force myself to smile. I'm a grand person. I'm only sucking away my own energy worrying needlessly about these trvial things. After all, I'm young! True, I'm not a baby boy anymore. But, I suppose I could look back on the days and smile. I had no responsibilities and face it...I was just the cutest darndest thing you've ever seen! I'm not yet at the peak of manhood, either. What I mean is, I'm not old and grey...I'm not weak and worthless. I got centuries upon centuries ahead of me! I'll age well. That is certain. I'm sure I'll experience many adventures and experience in my future...but why worry about them now? They'll come in due time...and I'm sure I'll be prepared when the time comes. What am I now? I may look like a kid, but I can be a young man. Face it....I'm a good looking teenager. I'm sure I make girlies dribble on themselves and men envy me. I have everything I wanted in my childhood....the reverence, the respect...I'm somebody. I've made friends that I love....and hate....and pity. Life isn't all smiles and laughter....and I suppose I like that just fine. It's not just tears and sorrow....I like that just fine. It's about living and learning from experiences. I definately like that just fine. Well, if I'm to think like a teenager...well...that explains things, I suppose. I'm definately more mature than my infancy days of bottle-feeding and burp-bibs. However, I still have a long way to go before I can reach full maturity....if that's possible. I don't even think my dad has even gotten to that point yet. Really, what is it that I could have that I don't have? I don't have interests in stuffed toys and nursery rhymes anymore. I don't yet have interests in retirement and am quite content with being the prince rather than the king right now. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of experience. Then what is it I do want? Maybe I'd like a girlfriend? A boyfriend? A dog?! The keys to the car on Friday night? I think I'm getting carried away. Do I want little me's running around? No, definately don't want that....not now. Geez, haven't even had my first kiss yet and I'm thinking about kids? I think I should get my priorities straight. Hmmm....I know what I want. I know what it is I desire and who it is I want to be. I want to be Koenma......me.....now. I know where I am. I am in the point of my life where I must make compromises but do not have to give up what I find most comforting to me...those little childhood habits that I just can't seem to kick. I am also in the time where I can sit at my liesure to evaluate what I will become in my future. This is the me I like best. I can spend my days being the repsonsible prince I was raised to be, doing the jobs that will one day be expected of me as a king. I can handle that. Why? Because I'll have those long nights to cuddle up to a book of faery tales in my little pajamas and fall asleep to the comfort of sucking my thumb. I don't think I'd ever want to be anything else other than me.....right now. Yes, that is what I want. In this stage of my life....I have everything I could possibly want. This is the me I wanted to become. I have the best of both worlds. I am....Koenma.
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