Carmilli
or
"The Completely, Absolutely, Positively True Adventures of a High School Vampire!"
It was a beautiful spring morning. Heavy dark clouds promised rain, as lightning ripped through the blackened sky, and thunderbolts shattered the misty air. The conditions were perfect for a vampire who was still roaming about on that lovely day.
I was slowly making my way to the most excellent, ultra-coolest, way-awesome, totally tubular to the max n' back high school in the whole known galakzy; NORTHRIDGE HIGH! (Groovy huh!)
Allow me to introduce myself; Like hi! I'm Carmilli, and I'm a teenage vampire! (Isn't that way-cool!) Now before you get out your garlic and crucifixes, I'll tell you that I'm a sweet vampire. I don't sleep in a coffin, (They're way too hard on your back!) and as for killing people and drinking their blood, I think it's disgusting! I'm a vegetarian, and I've found that tofu and carrot juice work much better!
I had just come from my boyfriend's house after a full night of vampire fun! (Mostly just necking.) His name is Justin and he's absolutely to DIE for! He has amazing hypnotic eyes, a most perfectly sensual mouth and, (my favorite) killer teeth!
I was early that morning so, (Wait a minute! Did you just read what I think 1 wrote? Let us rewind!) I was early that morning so, (Oh, my, Gawd! I just can't ba-lieve it! I mean, me? Akshally early? For once? It must miracle! I'm still getting over the shock!)
Okay, okay, yes, I was early! Now can I please get on with the rest of my story! Thank you.
The air had the most unnerving feeling of evil, as if something horrible was to happen. I had the oddest and most unexpected feeling that I was being followed, but why would anyone want to follow me? I'm just a half-crazy teenage vampire from Northride High School who happens to be in the witness relocation program after watching a murder so gruesome, it would make Fredy Kruegar look like a saint, so why would anyone follow me?
I honestly thought it was my overactive imagination, but I discovered someone really was following me! I thought about flying away, but who in their right mind would want to turn themselves into a bat! (Yuck!) Luckily for me I made it to Sherwood Forest (The parking lot,) ran straight into Camelot (The commons,) and headed for the most safest place known in the whole school; the ladies restroom!
Now that I was safe and sound in the bat-room, I decided to do my hair and makeup. Lucky for me I just happened to bring my "You name it and it's in there" tote bag.
First, I started on my hair. After two hours of demanding work, running out of three cans of "Super-duper, ultra, extra, mega-hold hairspray" in 100 ounce cans, and blowing up five blowdryers in the process, I achieved my ultimate masterpiece: My hair was now spiked ten feet high and was as hard as a rock, but all wasn't complete yet; I still had my makeup left.
R
I was ten minutes into putting on way too much eyeliner (as usual) when my reflection in the mirror began to fade. Frantically, I searched my tote bag and found a shinny quarter. In a move faster than the eye, I plopped my trusty quarter into the mirror meter which added another hour to my reflection.
I was in a very weird mood, so I put on hot pink eyeshadow and blue lipstick. (I could always say I was doing it for a skit in drama class. You know that the weirder and crazier it is, the more Mr. Gochberg loves it!)
I now ready to face the world, and whatever horrors lay beyond the restroom door. I crepted slowly toward the door. Poised ready for a fight, I reached out and touched the knob. Ever so slowly, I turned it, my heart echoing like thunder in my head, my breath caught in my throat.
Suddenly and without warning, terror flung its deadly path at me. "No! No!" I cried, "It can't be!" The door wouldn't open! I would be forever trapped inside the women's restroom!
At first I couldn't think, Northridge is like one huge castle, no one could save me now, not even the lord, Dr. Poore, could ever find me!
After almost all hope was lost, I quickly pulled my senses back together and realized that my foot was blocking the door! No wonder I couldn't open it, My foot was in the way! Feeling like a complete moroon (which is about a million times greater than a moron) I opened the door, but this time my foot was out of the way.
I was really ready this time, ready to face the most scariest place on the planet-the halls of Northrige High! (Oh, the horror of it!)
I practically jumped out from behind the door and screamed, "OUGA, BOUGA, LOUGA!" Which is cave girl talk for "I can speak cave girl!"
I had completely led myself to believe that there was something demonic lurking in the hall, but to my mistake, there was only a simple janitor who had witnessed my eccentric performance and had peed his pants in response. He took one look at my spiky ten foot 'do' and fled in terror, convinced I could use it as a deadly weapon.
I felt like a geekziod and headed off to my locker, both to sulk, and to get my walkman and Ozzy Osborne tape!
Since this had been one insane day, I jammed on "Crazy Train" and proceeded on down the hall, doing a dance so wild, the Ozmiester himself would have been proud.
I have this inner little voice which tells me when something bad will happen, but do you think that I'll learn to listen to it? No way! Not when Oz-arama-tola calls!
I had that sudden strange feeling that I was being followed, so I headed toward to caf. to barricade myself, but I never made it passed the library.
A dark shadow jumped out at me before I even knew what was going on. I glimpsed something so horribly scary that I hit the floor and ducked for cover.
Then the dark, scary shadow spoke.
"So Carmilli, how's your coffin?" It was my vampire twin sister Claudidi! I was relived, but not too relieved, she's still rilly scary!
"How did you know it was me?" I asked.
"Aw, come on, how many people in this whole school would get the nerve to come looking like that?"
"I guess you're right." I responded while recomposing myself
"Hmmmm," she looked me over carefully, "Blue lipstick and spiked hair." She thought for a moment, "You're still trying to confuse Mark aren't you?"
"You discovered my secret."
"If I were him, I'd give up on trying to figure you out. One day your a stoner, the next a cowgirl, then it's a good-girl, then mod, and today," she looked straight at my hair, "I don't know what you are?"
"I 'm just me Claudidi! I'm just Carmilli!
That was basically the most important thing she had to say, that and something about cutting class to go to Davis High just to see what the kids were rilly like up there? You know, devil-worshipers, werewolves, witches, warlocks, and other assorted minor demons, then again, I went to Layton High, and you know how Layton and Davis get along so well! NOT!
Well, I told Claudidi that even though it sounds like so much fun, I just couldn't skip class, I had Advanced Creative Writing next and I had my latest depressing poem and a wacky story to turn in to Mrs. Spencer who just couldn't wait to see what I'd turn in next! I bid my sister farewell, jammed the Wizard of Oz. back on and headed to D-block.
I had another reason for wanting to stay at the Ridge, and that reason was-THE FORBIDDEN ZONE! Now I'm not talking about the places where you cannot take food and drink, but the boy's locker room! (Hey, even though I'm not human anymore I'm still female!)
The boy's locker room has always held a certain mystery; you don't know what's behind that forbidding door, and you never know what will come out; a huge football team ready to kick some Lancer butt; KBER dj's who have no idea the B-Ball game is rigged; and a masked, giant, green turtle, who can kar-ra-tay better than Chuck Norris, responds to the name of a famous painter, and who's fave phrase is "Cowabunga dudes! Where's the pizza?" (Sorry, I've been baby-sitting my preschool nephews too much.)
Okay, where was I? Ah, yes, the boy's locker room! (This is going to be fun!) It takes a lot of courage to enter that outlawed chamber, (Especially after early morning basketball practice!) but I was willing and able. Call me daring, call me courageous, call me crazy! (But then again, remember all that's happened this morning!) Even if Coach Lund catches me, I will have done my duty to women everywhere-to find out what is behind the boy's locker room door!
Boldly, I opened that restricted door, but, there was another door in front of me, another barrier to overcome. Before I had the chance to open the second door, the familiar feeling of something evil drew near. It was close, very close. It was just beyond the second door!
Before I had the chance to react, the door opened, and a skinny evil, shadow appeared. The shadow did not alarm me, but what it held in it's tightly clasped fist did; a deadly number two pencil!
Okay, so this is where I scream and run. I just took off, I didn't care if I ran into an administrator who would still give me a lecture about running in the halls, even if being chased by what I believed to be a green haired alien from beyond!
(Excuse, me Mr. Neilson, but there was this monster, and it tried to kill me with a pencil!) I didn't care, I was running for my life, or my death, or whatever, I was running!
Alright, so my situation isn't looking to bright; I've passed Mr. Berong's classroom six times while screaming very loudly, "HELP ME! HELP ME ! I'M GONNA DIE! AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Unfortunately Mr. Berong is new so he doesn't exactly understand how weird NHS can get sometimes and he ends up just ignoring me.
I ran into Mr. Gochberg twice, he thinks I'm rehearsing my latest skit and his response is, "Looking fantastic kids. I can't wait till class. Keep up the great work!" and mumbles something about going professional.
I just have one question that is eating at my mind: "WHERE IS DR. BLANCH WHEN YOU NEED HER?"
I'm beginning to wonder if I should go out for track? I've been running all over this school while a monster chases me and is attempting to kill me, correction stake me with a pencil!
How dare he?
I came to a dead stop. (I'm a vampire remember?) I was going to face this evil monstrosity! I turned on my heel and walked straight at the abomination. I walked closer and closer untill I could clearly make out what it was.
What I saw was a terror beyond all terrors, unspeakable demonic horror! An evil never before imagined! I could not believe what my eyes were seeing! It was, it was, (You'll want to sit down for this.) It was my ex-boyfriend, Don Snodgrass!
"Don. How? Why?" I was so confused
"I had to. After Justin stole you away from me, It tore me in half. I loved you more than anyone else, and you betrayed me!
"I'm sorry Don. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"It's too late for that now. If I can't have you, then no one can!"
He was about to end it all when suddenly to his surprise, the Dallas Cowboys showed up! I thought I was saved, but they just asked us where the football field was. (What do football players know about saving a potential homicide victim?)
Again I was doomed. I begged with Don to spare my life, but he insisted I was evil and should be destroyed.
I prayed for a miracle, I prayed for someone to save me, anyone, even Beavis and Butthead!
My prayers were answered, but no MTV cartoon characters showed up, (Thank God!) instead, Justin came to my rescue. Wonderful, handsome Justin. My Justin, come to rescue me at last.
I don't really remember what happened after Justin appeared, there's a black hole in my memory. All I know is that he promised me Don would never harm me again, and that we would always be together forever!
I'm still coming up with weird skits and even stranger stories, and of course Mark is as confused as ever. Dr. Blacnch left to go be a principal of the new Fairfield Junior High, and Claudidi, well she still has her theories about Davis High even if they can't be proven.
You know, it's funny that no one ever heard from Don ever again. Some say he moved to Idaho, others say he was expeled after they found weed in his locker. Then there's the really strange rumore about some mental institution, that he went insane after starring into the eyes of, something?
My head hurts once in a while, and then there are these weird voices, like someone's calling my name, but I bet it's just my overactive imagination, I mean I'm crazy, but I'm not insane!
"Nurse Kate, who is this new patient?"
"No one knows Dr., he recently arrived. He just stares at the ceiling in the corner of his padded cell and cries the name of someone named Carmilli.
"Carmilli? That's an unusual name."
"Yes it is sir. Kind of reminds you of the old story of Carmillia"
"Who?"
"A vampire sir, a vampire named Carmillia. She is said to be over a hundred years old but looks like a teenager, and some say she's slightly, how should I say, deranged."
"You don't say."
"But of course it's just a legend, I mean who believes in vampires?"
"No one, everyone knows that vampires don't exist, but, I would love to hear the story sometime. Kate, how about over dinner?"
"Why, I'd love to Dr."
