Carmilli's Back!
or
Oh No! Not Again!
Not Another Adventure of that Crazed Psycho Teenage Vampire!
"Camping Carmilli"
Hello everybody I'm back, did you miss me? Well, I've decided to go camping so I packed up my camping gear and flew up to Wyoming, which leads me to that ole' joke-How can you tell when you're in Utah? There's a church on every other corner! How can you tell when you're in Wyoming? There's a BAR on every other corner! I'm pretty sure it's true cause I ackshally counted every bar I saw in every town from Evanston to West Yellowstone and I've come up with a total of- I am not making this up- 34! (There were 9 in Jackson Hole alone!) I'm just counting bars, not places where you can buy Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey which would have to include 7-Elevens which seem to pop up on every other corner every time you turn around!
One thing I like about it up here in Yellowstone is all the diverse people! First you have the biker dudes crusin' on their Harley-Davidson's. The bikers are really cool people to talk to cause they all have normal jobs just like everybody else and this is what they do on their vacation! They tend to group in couples of at least four, so they always have someone to hang with. From what I understand they love their families and are very friendly people, so I suggest you get to know some of them. Who knows, maybe you'll make some new friends and get a chance to ride on a Harley!
Next, we have a group you should take very seriously, JAPANESE TOURISTS! Since they won't put their cameras down for five seconds, I suggest you sabotage their pictures by just happening to get in the background and make silly faces at the camera! Another fun idea is to act like a dumb blond, valley-girl, or better yet, a psychotic vampire, and watch them react! Or you could like, try a different approach by being like, the "Friendly American" dudettes and like, get to know them! Like, ya know? This works extremely well if you just happen to be fluent in Japanese. Vhy vould you vant to do this you might ask? Vell, first, you'll meet some cool people to become pen-pals vith, and second, you can like, get a free ride like, all over Yellowstone in their buses! Also, think about all the like, free food! And if you like, become "bosom buddies," ya know, maybe they'll like, let you camp out in their hotel room! (Hey, It's better than the cold, wet ground and mosquitoes bitting you all night!)
Last, we have the two final groups; the Westerners (Ye-haw!) and the Easterners (Wussup?) of the U, S, of A! The Westerners are usually from California, Nevada, UTAH, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Montana and Wyoming. You can easily spot these guys because of how COOL they dress! These people really know how to dress for the great outdoors (Sweatshirts over tank-tops, Levis shorts and hiking boots with hair under baseball caps or french braids and sunglasses-A MUST!) Plus, they really know how to camp!
The other, the Easterners are just as easy to spot: Just look for geeks! They don't know how to dress for the mountains. (They were souvenir T-shirts, and just basically dress like a-typical tourists! or wear gangsta rapper clothes.) Usually they stay in hotels cause they would probably die of starvation if they were to "rough it".
Okay, now that I have introduced you to the people up here in Yellowstone, let me give you some hiking advice which will be very easy because I'm hiking right now! Never ever, ever were high heels! (MY FEET ARE KILLING ME!)
Here's some advise for all you vampires who are sick of spending your vacation in lesser known eastern European countries and would like to get back to nature: GET SOME SUNSCREEN! (After all, you wouldn't want to burst into spontaneous combustion now would you?) Avoid crossing rivers because running water will make you sick to your stomach. However, if you encounter a little stream, just take a flying leap across! Remember your sunglasses of course, and even though you'll look like a corpse if you where anything other than black, black cloths will get real hot, real fast, so party in town all night, go sightseeing at dawn and dusk, and sleep all day as usual.
Okay, now that I'm done with my introduction to Yellowstone, I can talk about more important things such as ME! (Just kidding!)
Right now a mad man is wandering the streets in the town you live in! ( To be more specific his name is Don Snodgrass and he resembles - I am not making not up - a green haired evil snarling alien from beyond! Also, you should be warned that he is not afraid to kill sweet, innocent, female vampires! Oh, and, by the way, I have never, repeat, never gone out with him!) So while you are in danger from that monster, I'm safe up here in Yellowstone! (Nyah, Nyah, Nyah-Nyah Nyah!)
I'm beginning to think maybe it wasn't such a good idea to wear a tight, black leather dress and pantyhose to go on a hike, what do you think? (Well I do have to go to a Metallica concert to go tonight, and I am slightly crazy remember?) My makeup is starting to melt, (Too much eyeliner as usual.) and my hairspray is attracting gnats! (Euw, gross, get away from me!)
"I HATE BUGS!"
You're probably wondering why I didn't use insect repellant right? Well if bugs wouldn't come within a half-mile of me, what do you think that the lead singer of Metallica would do? It's not that I like him, but we went to school together back at TSU. (Transylvania State University.) We were best buddies, practically inseparable. It worked out great, me being a vampire and James, well, you could call him were. . . . .wolf .. . . . . y.
Um. . .Um. . . Um. Okay, okay, don't panic! But there is a ten foot tall bear staring directly at me! Great, I'm frozen, what am I gonna do? Think Carmilli think! I CAN'T THINK, I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! (What if I pee my pants, how will I explain that to James?) Hey! You're reading this story right? So why don't you help me out and give me an idea what to do!
That's the most brilliant idea I've ever heard, RUN! (Where do you guys come up with this stuff?) Hey, It's working, the bear's not chasing me! Instead he's sitting down and. . . . .uh-oh! He's putting on Reeboks! But not not just ordinary Reeboks, They're the kind that light up! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The Bear is chasing me! (Double Ahhhhhhhhhh!)
What am I gonna do now? I can't fly and I can't hypnotize him. (It's daylight and the sun renders a vampire powerless!) I think the bear is smiling cause I'm gonna be his din-din!
Ya know what? There are yellow stones up here, so that's how they got the name! Oh the bear, right, I forgot! Why didn't I go out for track after that alien episode?
Do you know anyone who is good at handling bears? Thanks, I owe you one!
"MIKE DITKA WHERE ARE YOU!"
Great, "Iron" Mike didn't show up but a superfan did, and, what can I say, the bear ate him faster than you can say "Da Bears." which leads me to another thing, stay away from polish sausage, bratwreush, and Chicago!
Let me inform you about my present situation. You'd think after eating a very huge football fan the bear would leave me alone and try to find a massive toothpick, but noooooooo, I'm still here in Yellowstone being chased by a bear who wants ME for desert.
Okay back to square one-what I'm gonna do. I see a clearing up ahead and water. (uh-oh) Well, maybe the bear won't be stupid enough to follow me
"LOOK OUT WORLD, YELLOWSTONE LAKE HERE I COME!........................................."
SPLASHHHH!
So here I am standing in the lake, (I think I'm going to be sick!) I'm totally soaked, my hair's a mess, my makeup is all smeared. There are about a gazillion Japanese tourists all zooming cameras in and blinding me! I've just ruined a very expensive leather dress and my mom will probably never let me borrow her credit cards again! But ya know what- I don't care! The bear is gone! Unfortunately, now I have a man-eating rainbow trout to deal with!
The End.......for now
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