Its Carmilli Time!
or
When is it going to end? That crazy teenage vampire is driving me bananas!
Carmilli Goes to the Hospital
or
"I'm Already Dead!"
Hydey-Ho everybody. Your not gonna ba-lieve this but I'm in the hospital! No, I'm not in the psycho ward, if that's what you thing. I'm here because of a slight problem, My heat's beating way to slow! And everybody is worried except me. They think I'm gonna die! Now isn't that the silliest thought you've ever heard! It's too late, I'm already dead! and dead people can't die, right?
Well, anyway, it all started out in my P.E. class when Coach Lund was weighing us and taking are resting heart rate. He said I'm under weight for my height (Not including hair) And that I should gain weight. Well I'm sorry, but I'm already dead and there's no way I can gain weight on a diet of tofu and carrot juice, and besides, if I gain weight I'll have trouble flying, and that's not something I want to give up! Comprehend?
Coach than took my heart rate which turned out to be 30, It should be around 100 and my friends said he must be counting wrong, but coach said it was 30 which mean I should be dead! I was going to say something but then I thought, "Nay, too easy!" Anyway, he panicked and took me to the school nurse who said I was so pale, I looked like a corpse! Again, I was going go to say something, but again I thought, "Too easy!"
Then they called 911 and the paramedics arrived, strapped me in a gurney, and put me on a respirator so I could breathe, but there's one little problem, vampires don't breathe except to take air in to talk! What idiots there people are!
Life flight arrived and took me off. (Excuse me but I think I can fly be myself thank you very much!)
I wanted to say something, I rilly did, but what could I say? (Oh you rilly don't need to try to save my life because I'm already dead!) Like they would listen to me and besides they might put me in an insane asylum and my roommate might be by ex boyfriend Don Snodgrass! Yuck!
So instead I just pretend I'm dying which is easy cause I know what it's like. (I've discovered vampires can't die when a stake is driven through your heart, it won't kill you, but it hurts like you wouldn't believe!)
Hey! Maybe I could use this experience to make up a skit for drama!
All right, we're at the hospital now, it seems if your strapped into a gurney they won't let you use a telephone so, I've been trying to use mental telepathy to get through to my boyfriend Justin but since it's daytime, he's probably still asleep!
Hmm, everybody keeps staring at me, I wonder what it must be? It couldn't be my newly dyed blue hair or that I've got it into a gazillion different size braids and colorful ribbons all over. No, and it's not my rilly cool snake I had tattooed winding around my whole right arm (Its so groovy, the tail begins on my wrist and it's head is on my shoulder, it has red eyes and blood dripping from two inch fangs! In other words, never drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's when your parting with Metallica in Wyoming!)
And of coarse it's not because my eyes have turned yellow, because I'm starving for a drink of carrot juice!
I know why everyone is starring at me! It's definitely not because of my new nose ring (I think I've been hanging out with Skid Row to much.) And since it couldn't be any of those things it must be my Northridge sweatshirt! (Everyone pays attention to kids from the Ridge cause we are the best school in the state!)
The people in the waiting room are a little strange, they keep staring at everyone who comes in the emergency room! For example, I saw the Mighty Ducks and the L.A. Kings coming our on crutches, wheelchairs, with broken bones and lots or missing teeth. I was wondering what had happend since both hockey teams are out of the Stanley Cup playoffs! I was told they were so upset that they loosed they beat up each other, shows how primitive Hockey players are.
Then the audience lost it's interest in me to go check out a talking purple dinosaur! I know purple dinosaurs are rare but this one is even rarer, everyone is actually happy this one was shot. I know you think people can be cruel, but Barney was shot in a drive by shooting after singing the "I love you song!"
They sent me up to CAT scan to scan my skull. I sort of panicked cause I thought they would fry my brains! (How yummy!) but instead I just got dizzy from watching the camera go
The technicians want you to take off all jewelry including earrings but I did run into a glitch, I just got my nose peirced last week and I can't take out the ring otherwise the hole in my nose will close up! So when the pictures come back, you'll be able to see a ring up my nose!
Next, they sent me to MRI which was the most boring experience I've ever had, even more boring Mr. Parks lectures in Sociology class! It was kinda like being in a stuck in a coffin in the middle of and airfield.! And since it was like a coffin I rilly panicked on this one! (You know how much I love coffins!)
I couldn't move and since my ears are supersensitive, (For example: Mice in the attic sound like elephants!) I swear my ears started bleeding and the pain was so bad I actually wanted to die! Instead I conveniently passed out.
While I was off in La-La-Land, I wish I had put out a sign that read: Out of body, be back in 15 minutes! This is exactly what I did! No, I was not having a near-death experience cause I do that every day! Instead, I projected myself! (This is very useful when you are in a boring class-like sociology-and you want to go find Mark Rogers and scare him while you play ghost!)
Okay, the test is suppose to last a half hour so let's synchronize our swatches!
The first thing we should do is go to the mental ward to spy on my ex!
He is busy talking to a head shrink and discussing his transition back to the "real world" (Excuse muoi? The real world? Thanks for the insult!)
He is also going to get a new name, and you will never Ba-Lieve what it's gonna be! Shawn Dutton! (I am so freaked out that all I do is sit motionless!)
I think I'd better leave before he starts acting wacko!
Boy, am I glad to get out of that lunny-bin! Let's go check out the blood bank! Check out that sign! It says "Blood donors wanted"! Now doesn't that just quak you up! I mean "Please give blood, it will save a life." Or prolong one! (For about a century and a half!) Ha, ha-ha-ha! I think I'm goonna die of laughter! Get it DIE! Quick, someone get me a bite to eat! Get it, BITE to eat! You know that Def Leppard song, "Have you ever needed someone so bad, Have you ever needed something that you just couldn't have!" Or how about that coca cola commercial "As long as there is thirst, there is always the real thing!" (Sorry, I just love vampire humor!)
We better get back before they find me and try to attempt CPR!
Euuuwwwwww! Yick! Yuckkkkkkky! I'm gonna be sick! I got back in my body all right but after a fat, pimple faced, stanky breath, geek of a technician tried mouth to mouth on me! (Where is Tom Cruise when you need him?)
Euek! Pha! Pha! (Sorry, I'm losing my lunch!)
I feel better now that the twerp has chunks all over him! (What's up, Chuck?)
They are taking me to my hospital room now because they want to keep me overnight!
(Great, now this means I have to cancel my date with Justin! Now I really feel like dying!)
Well my room is, O-Kaaay, except they painted it Baker's Pink! What's that you have never heard of Baker's Pink? Well, Baker's pink is a color originally painted on insane asylum and prison walls because of its supposed relaxing, calming effect on the inhabitants. Later studies showed it actually drove them insane!
I have one question for you since I've never been in a hospital before, well, not in this century, are there suppose to be bars on the windows? And do they always have a huge mirror in the center of the wall?
Why don't you say we go check out my nieghbors okay! You never know when you will find a hunky AIDS patient that is ready to go any time soon and has serious, ya know, potential !
Hey! The door is locked! And I'm absolutely, positively completely sure that my foot is not in the was this time! Oh-well, let's go watch the boob-tube and get caught up on Wonder Woman!
This is odd! All the channels are tuned to the Christian Faith and Values Network! This is getting weird! The next thing I know, Nurse Kate Katu comes in to take a blood sample and give me lunch. I'm not going to waste my time and joke about hospital food cause I have a plan! She seems pretty nice, but I want to go home!
My plan is to "accidentally" drop my spoon by the side of the bed and when she picks it up, I will jump out of bed, run to the door, put gum in the socket, and race back using those terrific vampire reflexes of mine before she even knows what has happened! I can do it because I have CARMILLI POWER!
On your mark, get set, Did you miss me?
Well, that nurse is gone, so I say let's get out of this hamster cage! YESSSS! My top secret plan worked and I can open the door! Yippey!
One thing I am rilly good at is sneaking around! Listen closely, you can almost hear the theme song from "Mission Impossible!"
Hey! Check It out! It's nurse Kate talking to a doctor, let's spy!
"The blood samples we took from our subject had some interesting results Nurse."
"Like what?
"Well, we found collagen similar to rats in suspended animation and the subject's red blood cell count was extremely low."
"In English Doctor!"
"Kate, the patient has what appears to be a disease, but not one I have ever seen before. I ran a test on her DNA makeup and I have found something startling.
"What Doctor? What?
"Well, every living organism is made op of five basic compounds, she has an extra compound"
Meaning?
"Meaning, she is not of this earth!"
Wow! Wowee! Gee! Geepers! I'm an alien! I've been called many things in my lifetime of three centuries: Monster, Bloodsucker, Demon, Nightstalker, Devil. But no one has ever called me an Extra Terestial! Excuse me but I have to "phone home!" (Just kidding!)
Maybe I should have fun with this! Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, or would you rather go to Transylvania! (Darn, it doesn't rhyme!) And be better of than you are, or would you rather be ME! (Now that's a scary thought!)
Hey! I've just found some tape on Nurse Katu's desk What do you say we use it to scare the doctor!
Okay, I now have scotch tape all over my face (I'm scotch face!) and it kinda hurts my nosey cause I have tape holding it up! And my eyes are all droopy! I have also constructed a flimsy toy gun from tape, straws, and bright blue gum! (Unfortunately, it's kind of disgusting!)
I'm going to jump out now and Carmillify them! He, he, he, he!
"Take me to your leader humans or I will distroy your earth with my ray gun!" I said very seriously. But there was a problem, they did take me seriously!
And then they called security! Now don't you feel like rolling your eyes in your head and doing a homer Simpson impression! (DOH!)
Yup, security came, and becuase I really didn't think this through, and I never thought you can arrest a hospital patient who is "near death" as everyone claims, I didn't think they would put me in a cage.
You know that something is up when there are guards in funny looking uniforms and three inch steel bars all around you.
Cool, here comes the doctor.
"What's up Doc?"
"Well missy, what do have to say for yourself?"
"Ah, Live long and prosper!"
"Nurse Katu, Have you received the results from what her weapon is made of?"
"Yes Doctor, the weapon is made from straws, masking tape, and what appears to be Wriggley's Extra Wintergreen chewing gum." (Don't you just want to slap these people?)
The doctor looked like his head was about to explode, but luckily for me, he turned his anger on yours truly! (Oh goody! This guy could make beavis and butt-head look like genius's!)
"Listen alien, I have had it with your imbecile jokes!
"What did you call me? Alien? Muoi?" (Can't ya just tell I'm up to something!) "I have never been so insulted in all my life! No, that can't be, I have never been insulted in all my death! That doesn't work either! (The doctor is RILLY getting mad!) Hmmmm, I am soooo confused. I mean, I died three hundred years ago, but here I am, just as crazy as ever.
"You know, I told Bram not to write that book of his, but would he listen to me? Of course not! I mean garlic and crucifixes? Get rill! I knew something bad would happen because of it and now look what happens, I have a mad scientist who trapped me in a cage and calls me an alien!"
"Doctor Van Hesling!"
"Not now Kate!"
"But Doctor!"
"Shut up Nurse, If we are not careful, then rays might come out of her eyes!"
"Your name is Van Hesling! Ah-ha, I knew there was something strange about you! (Other than everything else!) Why can't your family leave me alone. I knew I should have never called anyone to help me get rid of my Romanian uncle, becuase you all turned on me! How many times have I got to tell you people that I'm a sweet vampire and I'm not interested in harming anyone?
"Vampire, I knew that."
"Doctor?"
"Kate, I thought I told you to shut up!"
"I will not shut up! When I first met you, I thought you were a brilliant man, but now I know the truth, and there is something you should know! I am really," The nurse takes of her mask and wig, "Geraldo Rivera reporting undercover to expose doctors who are addicted to drugs and kidnap clients while they are hallucinating! Boys, Take him away!"
"I'm innocent, innocent I tell you! I was framed!"
"It is a sad day in America when trusted physicians use and destroy the lives of innocent people.
Someone, help this young girl out of that animalistic cage!"
"What Is your name?"
"Carmilli Damion sir."
"Don't worry, everything is going to be all right! That was good thinking to confuse him with the vampire story."
"Thank you sir, after all, no one believes in vampires"!
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