Clean Jokes
These are the most sqweeky clean jokes I could find on the whole entire net.
Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
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Canadain infentry
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The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper.
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Buyer Collects
click HERE to see a picture,
Click here to see the new tax forms
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass
was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin
and the other five per cent said they didn't care -
they would have married him anyway!!
Employee/Managment bathrooms
click here for the diary of a snow shoveler
This is too cute
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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? What happened that is so horrible?"
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again? So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then what?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Newfe hunter
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Good Advice
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes."
Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-Emily, age 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath-even after eating a Tic-Tac."
Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."
Eileen, age 8
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is
in deep shit."
If you have any jokes you can Email them to me
here
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