Thanks to N. for helping me through this one, particularly the end. Major spoilers for "Bartlet For America"

October 1998

He couldn't remember how long he'd been sitting on the bed. By the bottle count he thought maybe half an hour since Gibson had come and gone. He raised the glass to his lips again, almost numb now to the burning as the amber liquid slid down his throat. He always felt this was the good part: his head swimming with the feeling that he could drink like this all night.

He twitched violently at the shrill ring, a surge of panic rising up to grip him again. Reaching across the bed he groped for the phone, forcing himself to sit up. He was forgetting something, he was supposed to be somewhere. His mind refused to give up the information, though.

"Yeah." He cradled the phone on his shoulder and wondered why his voice sounded hollow and distant in his head.

"Leo! Where are you?"

He suddenly remebered the first urgent phone call. Something about the Governor collapsing. He wondered how long ago that was. Had Josh called before or after Gibson left?

"Leo!" Josh's voice sounded almost panicked.

"Josh, settle down, I'm right here."

"Leo? What's wrong? Why aren't you down here?"

"Nothing, I'm fine, I'm just..." He could do this, he thought, force his mind to think. He didn't survive that long in the Cabinet without learning to cover it well.

"I'm just waiting for the cab." Then again, he was out of practice, six years out of practice.

"A cab? Leo, just have the driver-"

"Yeah, okay. Listen, I'll be there. I'll be there soon."

Leo could hear the slurring in his own voice now and cursed himself. He was too long out of practice. He hoped Josh wouldn't hear the thick words and telling sibilants. Of all the staff that could have called, though, Josh would understand. In the silence eminating from the phone he could almost hear the silent recognition.

"Leo." Josh's voice was so quiet he could barely hear it. "Stay put. Make some coffee. I'll be right there."

Leo hated the way Josh's voice broke on the last word.

He listened to the bleating of the dial tone and stared at the glass still in his hand.

"Damn." He knew he should stop, he knew he should clean off the coffee table before Josh got there, he knew he should be there for Jed. He knew all of these things and none of them stopped him from finishing that drink and moving to the mini-bar for another.

-----

"I'll be right there," Josh cringed at the sound of his voice, wondering how it was that in no more than two minutes his world managed to flip so completely. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Leo, drunk. Drunk Leo. He needed to get over there. Maybe he was hearing something that wasn't even there. Maybe he was reading the situation all wrong. 'Yeah, and maybe the Mets will win the pennant.'

"CJ!" He grabbed the tall woman's arm as she sped by. "How is he?"

"Abbey says it's just a cold. I don't know, he's still pale but he looks better," CJ shrugged.

"Okay, listen, nothing to reporters...he's taking time with advisors to polish his remarks...got it?"

"Yeah, okay." She scribbled on her notepad before turning her gaze back to him. "Josh…you all right? You look a little green there."

Josh didn't acknowledge her at first, he was absently staring over her shoulder, trying desperately to construct a discreet escape.

"No, yeah, I'm fine, just… Listen I need to run back to the hotel, I'll be back in like an hour. You guys gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. What's up?"

"Nothing. Just...nothing."

"Nothing as in Something?"

"Nothing as in 'not a thing' CJ" He said it firmly. And it was true - at least it was till he'd had the chance to see it with his own eyes. "Take care of things, 'Kay?" Grabbing his jacket he gave her a brief smile of reassurance and started heading back to the hotel.

-----

Exiting the elevator Josh looked around the hall hoping that none of the men from Leo's earlier meeting were still hanging around.

He knocked on the door and dug his hands into his pockets, stealing himself against what was beyond. He could pretend and hope as much as he wanted … it didn't really matter, he already knew. He'd known in some tucked away part of his mind when Leo had answered the phone the first time. Leo was never late. But it hadn't clicked. The Governor collapsing and too many years out of practice had clouded his sense for these things. Even with the second call he'd still been so wrapped up he'd barely noticed the familiar slurring. Then, suddenly, he was sixteen again and telling his dad to stay put, that he'd be right there.

Josh raised his hand to knock again. Through the door he heard movement followed by a muffled curse.

"'sunlocked!"

He pushed the door open and coughed as the cigarette smoke hit him. Blinking back the stinging in his eyes, he found Leo bent over the coffee table, a highball glass full of amber liquid clutched in his hand.

"I thought you quit smoking," he said, because of all the things Josh wanted to say it was the only thing that would come out.

"Well, you know it being a special occasion and all," Leo gestured in an almost amusingly exaggerated manner to the table in front of him.

"A drink's just not the same without a good cigarette," Josh supplied. He couldn't recall how many times he'd heard his father say that.

"Damn straight." Leo raised his glass in a mock toast and went to take a drink. "To Noah!" It was only when he saw Josh watching him with pained eyes that he put the glass down and, instead, took a long drag from his cigarette.

Josh surveyed the room, quickly taking in the magnitude of the situation. The coffee table was littered with more than a dozen of the little honor bar bottles and there were several more strewn on the bed. Somehow it was worse than he'd allowed himself to imagine.

He stepped awkwardly around the older man moving to the small counter holding the coffee pot. Keeping his back to Leo's slumped form he tore into one of the pre-packaged pouches. Josh inhaled the bitter aroma deeply in a futile attempt to erase the tar and scotch stink that always spoke to him of fear and shame. How did this happen, and more than that, how did this happen now. He needed Leo, the Governor needed Leo, they all did.

"You can't do this to me Leo," Josh stood over him, shaking his head in a paternal matter that made Leo wish again that Josh hadn't found out. Leo could feel the blood rushing to his face, and his temper rising.

"You know what, you're not my daughter and you're not my wife, so really Josh, you're the least person I'm doing this to." His voice, meant to be low and threatening, betrayed him. Instead the pitch was much too high.

He looked up to see Josh's eyes hardening. Leo recognized that look, it was one he'd seen many times. Josh may not be Jenny or Mallory, but like them, the young man had had years to perfect that particular expression. That melding of contempt and resignation, Leo thought, could cause the youngest face to age.

"You brought me in on this and you're leaving me standing here, Leo. The election's nine days away, the Governor is sick and you're here, getting…" Josh waved his arm around, gesturing to everything around him, silently chiding himself for his reluctance to say it out loud.

"I think the phrase your looking for is shit-faced."

Josh nodded his bowed head, refusing to look at his friend. Moving back to the counter he poured a mug of the coffee and returned to Leo's side. Silently offering the cup Josh noticed the slight tremor in Leo's hand. Vaguley he wondered if it was a result of too much scotch or too little.

Running his hand through his hair Josh threw himself down on the couch, trying to lose himself in the cushions. He had known about the alcoholism, of course he had - but it had always been academic. This was Leo, he wasn't suppose to slip, it just wasn't suppose to happen. In an all too familiar pattern Josh could feel the growing anger washing away his initial shock. He leaned his head back - he knew what was going to happen next; like a familiar song he could sense the coming chords in this pattern. He was about two minutes from furious. He knew he was going to start demanding explanations and reasons, but he also knew how ultimately futile it would all be. Leo was still drunk and the Governor still had a debate. He took a deep breath and tried another tact.

"Jenny doesn't know? Should you call her?"

"No. No. She can't know," Leo looked at the younger man warningly, draining the last reserves of Josh's patience.

"Whatever. I've got bigger things to worry about than the secrets you chose to keep from you wife."

"Josh-"

"Listen, I've got to get back over to the thing," Josh propelled himself off the couch and turned to face Leo who was struggling to his own feet. Josh reached out and put a hand on the older man's shoulder, holding him down.

"Whoa, where do you think you're going."

"I'm coming with you."

"No, I don't think so."

"I'll be fine."

"You're drunk!"

"I'm not a sloppy drunk Josh. Nobody'll know, I'll be fine. The Governor needs me."

Despite his tightly held anger, Josh flinched at the blatant desperation in Leo's voice.

"You can't even get up right now Leo," he continued in a quieter tone.

"Not with your hand there I can't," the older man growled.

Josh removed his hand and stepped back, inviting Leo to try. Defiantly Leo stood up. He was back seated almost immediately, his legs and sense of equilibrium betraying him.

"All right. Stay here. Drink coffee. I'll be back after the debate."

Josh moved to the mini-bar, pocketing the last three bottles before turning to leave. He felt Leo's eyes boring into the back of his head, and felt for all the world like a kid caught pouring his dad's best scotch down the drain because maybe, just maybe, that would make him stop drinking. Josh knew all Leo had to do was call up room service. Taking the bottles was nothing more than posturing and they both knew it.

"They're going to wonder why I'm not there."

"I'll think of something."

"Call me if you need anything."

"Yeah." Josh pulled the hotel door closed behind him and stood leaning against the frame. If he could just focus, get through the debate, then he could deal with the situation later. On unsteady legs he turned to return to his job and left Leo there, alone.

-----

The debate went well; better, really, than they could have hoped for. The irony was not lost on him as he chuckled mirthlessly into the night air. The rest of the guys had stayed to tie up some details, leaving Josh a chance to deal with Leo.

Deal with Leo. Josh had no idea how that was going to go. Dealing with drunk Leo.

He knew this when he had signed on. He'd known about Leo and the drinking long before this campaign. The week, after Nashua he and Leo had even had the talk. Leo told him the details. The drinking, the AA, the six years of sobriety. Promises were made in good faith, because that was the only way Josh would do it.

He'd felt good about it after that. Felt like he could work for and, more importantly, trust Leo. He had convinced himself that it would be all right. And now, well now it had all gone to hell. He laughed at the strange sense of de ja vu, as he made his way to the hotel.

This wasn't like that, he tried to tell himself. Leo could take care of himself. And he wasn't sixteen and shoveling his dad into the car anymore. He wasn't that kid, hadn't been since that winter night twenty years ago. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't ever be that for anyone again. He wouldn't be that for Leo now, he decided. He couldn't be. But he knew it wasn't ever that simple. Josh liked to think that his sheer will power allowed him to stop running to the rescue but he always knew it was only the distance that kept him from playing Noah's crutch. And now he was going to Leo's hotel room. Leo who, more than once, had been Noah's drinking companion. But this wasn't like that, Josh forced himself to remember. This would be different. This was one slip. This could be fixed. This was Leo.

Josh looked up to find himself pounding on Leo's door.

Inside the room the insistent knocking tore Leo out of his unconscious stupor. He rolled to the edge of the bed, fully aware that all he needed at the moment was another drink. He wasn't hungover, not yet anyway, that would come after more sleep. He found it vaguely amusing that his body remembered this so well, six years so easily melted away. When he was sober again he knew the familiarity, the ease of it all, would frighten him. But for now he just let all the patterns slip back.

Throwing his legs over the side he stood, unsteadily, and concentrated on the careful movement of his feet across the carpet.

The knocking had turned into pounding.

"Leo! Open up!"

"Hang on," he shouted through the door. "I'm coming."

Leo reached for the doorknob, steadying himself against the frame. He blinked his eyes in an attempt to focus and inhaled sharply. This was not something he was looking forward to. He could almost feel Josh's eyes boring into him from outside. He didn't need this right now. He wasn't sure how much of Josh's indignation he could stand.

"Hey."

"How'd it go," Leo asked, motioning Josh into the room.

"Good. Really good. You didn't watch?"

"Ah, no," Leo turned away from Josh's stare, his shame growing to fill the room. "I, uh, sacked out. Didn't see any of it."

"Yeah, that's okay. I mean it's not like we won't have it on tape," Josh tried smiling to relieve the tension. The expression quickly faded as he watched Leo slump onto the couch.

Josh lowered his voice and approached the older man. "We're going to need to talk about this Leo."

"Ya think?"

"We can't have this coming back around to get us. So nobody else knows, right?"

"Darren Gibson."

"What?"

"Gibson came back by my room, forgot his briefcase. He saw everything."

"Gibson?" Josh quickly recalled everything he knew about the man. "He's…he's wanting to hedge his bets. If we win it'll be in his best interest to keep this to himself. Of course he probably doesn't even realize what he's got. Okay, that's good, this will work. He was the only one right, no one else?"

"No one but you."

Josh considered Leo's hunched form briefly before sitting down next to him on the couch. He smoothed his pant legs, trying to choose words of support if not acceptance.

"Leo, you know I'll be behind you on this. But this is it, this is your get out of jail free card. A one time deal. It cannot happen again."

"How dare you," Leo growled, the anger in his voice surprising both of them. "How dare you issue an ultimatum to me. I'm your boss remember?"

"No, I think the Governor's my boss," Josh struggled to keep his voice level.

"I brought you in on this!"

"Yeah and I appreciate it. But this is so much bigger now and I'm not going to let you take down this administration before we've even had a chance to start. God Leo, don't you get it? Nobody's going to care that you *were* an alcoholic, we can gloss that over, make it go away. But they're going to care about this."

"I am an alcoholic," Leo's voice was a near whisper.

"What?"

"You said I *was* an alcoholic. I still *am*. It's not something you get over."

"I know that. You know what I meant, they're going to care about you being a practicing drunk."

"I really think you might want to reevaluate you tone of voice there."

"You could do a little of that yourself," Josh said, mostly to himself, though Leo still caught it.

"Are you done chastising me now?" A sarcastic drunk wasn't much better than an angry one, but Leo couldn't bear the patronizing tones. "Because really I think I could go for another hour or so of that." He didn't owe any kind of explanation to Josh. This was his mistake-his alone.

"I'm not...Leo..." Josh looked at the older man, resigning himself to the fact that the night was not going to go well.

He pushed himself off the couch, removing his coat and suit jacket. Rolling up his sleeves he grabbed the small, plastic trash can and began collecting bottles. As he moved around the room he could feel Leo's eyes following him. 'So much for no cleanup' he thought. Tossing the last bottle in the bin he set the can down and turned to face Leo again.

"Why now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean six years on the wagon and nine days till the election of your life! So I'm asking, why now?"

Leo looked down into his cupped hands as if they somehow held the answer. Even if they did he knew he could stare for a lifetime and never see it. So instead he offered the only explanation that ever made any sense. "It ain't nothing but a ..."

"Don't Leo, don't say to me it's a family thing." Annoyance twisted Josh's features.

"It's a reason," he shrugged.

"It's an excuse!"

"So what answer are you looking for here Josh? I mean is there anything I can say that will be satisfactory to you?" Leo's voice rose.

Josh leaned his back against the wall and bowed his head, silently answering Leo's question.

"You want reasons? How about I was making sure we had the money to see this through. Money, I might add, we shouldn't have had to worry about," Leo gestured accusingly at the other man. "This should've already been taken care of!"

"And what, you couldn't land the money without getting chummy and drunk?"

"This is how business is done. You know that. And that's my job. Getting it done is my job!"

"Pretty much dropped the ball on that one tonight."

"Hey! Getting it done is your job too. And maybe if you did that a little better and kept your naïve, idealistic thoughts about what I should be in the realm of reality I wouldn't be-"

"Driven to drink," Josh finished in his most annoyingly snide tone.

"No, I was gonna say I wouldn't be spending my time doing everybody's job for them."

Josh opened his mouth to reply, but caught himself. "Leo...this was a mistake. You're still drunk and I shouldn't be here. This isn't accomplishing anything."

Josh moved to leave, not wanting it to turn into an all out yelling match. Things had already been said that could never be taken back, better to leave it until Leo was sober. Josh paused with his hand on the door, wanting to leave but needing to make sure that he wouldn't inadvertently say something to the Governor that Leo would later contradict. Reluctantly he turned back.

"Listen, I think you need..."

"What I need is for you to go."

"Leo, just listen, you need to do something..."

"I don't need to be saved!"

"That's not what I was going to say, but since we're on the subject it sure wouldn't hurt!"

"And what, you think you're the guy for the job? Cause, you know, you're track record on that isn't real great."

"What?" Josh's voice was quiet again, and Leo could see the pain pooling on the younger man's features.

Leo's rage had been steadily building since that first sip hours ago. The moment the liquor touched his palate he knew he was lost. He hated that he was like that, hated that he could never even have a drop. Mostly, though, he was furious at himself for letting it happen, letting it get this far. But the moment, with the alcohol still burning in him, wasn't about anything rational. It was about Josh showing up and making a better target. It was so much easier to yell at Josh than to beat himself up. That's what the next day would be for. It didn't help that Josh mostly stood there and took it. Years of practice, he suspected. All calm and pitying expressions. Leo felt the rage crushing in on him so he lashed out again.

"I'm just saying that you're real good at running away from the tough stuff Josh. You're real quick to run away and leave someone in the lurch. Maybe I'm saying that mostly the only guy you're good at saving is you."

Leo looked across the room at Josh's ashen, shocked face and listened to the uneven tempo of his own heavy breathing. He was taken aback when he saw the rage sweep across the younger man's eyes.

"I'm going back to my room. I'm going to forget this happened. You are going to find a meeting tomorrow. You are going to decide when and where and what you want to tell the Governor. This is your problem, Leo. Fix it." Josh spoke only loud enough to be heard but his tone was unequivocal.

Leo watched, morbidly fascinated as Josh visibly fought to keep his composure.

Turning away, Josh groped for the door. Opening it slightly he stood with one foot in the hall. Without looking back, he spoke only loudly enough for the other man to hear. "You're right Leo, you're not a sloppy drunk, just a cold hearted one."

Leo stood, staring at the spot Josh had been and wondered which line he'd crossed, how far he'd gone and if he'd ever be able to find his way back.

-----

January 1999

Leo shivered as he entered the West Wing, the cold winter air still clinging to his garments. Shaking the snow from his jacket he caught sight of Josh coming towards him. Leo watched as Josh looked up at him and then immediately altered his direction, turning into one of the many hallways as he'd been doing for the past to months.

Leo frowned, he'd had enough of the avoidance routine, it was time to clear the air. He also needed to talk to the younger man about his official position in the administration.

"Josh," Leo called loud enough to make everyone around turned and look.

Sheepishly Josh backpedaled around the corner and approached the Chief of Staff.

"Walk with me," Leo nodded his head to indicate direction and took off, Josh in tow.

Josh wasn't sure what was going on. He and Leo had been working together on the inauguration and most of the staffing, but other then the times they absolutely had to be in the same room together he tried not to spend much time with the older man. And, until now, Leo had seemed inclined to let him.

"So that was good, yesterday." Leo opened the door to his new office, ushering Josh inside.

"Yeah. It was amazing."

"Not just amazing, it was quite literally history making."

"Yeah. You know, I've watched inaugurations on TV and even from the crowd but it never prepared me for actually being up there, you know. Standing behind the President as he took the oath. It…it was really…"

"Amazing?"

"Yeah, amazing," Josh answered, letting his eyes wander around the office, focusing on anything except the man in front of him.

Leo cringed at the obvious awkwardness that had grown between them.

"Listen, I need to know if we can work together." 'Nothing like diving right in' he thought.

"What do you mean? I've been doing my job Leo, everything you've asked."

"Yeah, but you're avoiding me like the plague. It can't be like that if you're going to be my deputy."

"I'm not avoiding…wait…your deputy?"

"Yeah, you think you can handle that?"

"Leo, if this is about…"

"You're the guy for the job Josh. The President thinks so. I think so. Hell, even Hoynes thinks so. That's what this is about."

Josh looked around the office, letting his eyes rest on the door leading to The Oval Office. This was it, a chance to do something great in this administration, a chance to influence policy and actually change things. It was everything he'd ever worked for. And if the offer had come from anyone but Leo, he would have jumped at it.

"Does the President know...about that night?"

"No."

"Are you…"

"Yeah, when we're all in and everything's settled down. He needs a chance to get his bearings before we start throwing crap at him. So what do you say Josh?"

"Do I get a good office? Something nice, not a hole in the wall." Josh was clearly joking but his voice was flat. It was the same tone that he'd been using with Leo since October.

"You'll get the office I give you."

"Okay, but I get a full time assistant right? Maybe someone perky, blonde, brings me coffee."

"You've got Donna."

"She doesn't really do the coffee thing, but I guess she'll do."

"Josh..."

"And how's the money? I mean I've been living on a pittance here Leo." The smile was small and slightly strained but Leo was glad to take anything at the moment.

"So is this a yes?"

Josh ducked his head sharply, hoping Leo didn't catch the conflict on his face. "I need...I'd like a day to think about it."

"He's already been sworn in, Josh. I need an answer now."

"Then you tell me-is it going to happen again?"

Leo didn't need to ask what 'it' Josh was referring to.

"I can't promise that." Leo shook his head slowly.

"I need that, Leo. I need to know before I can give you an answer."

"And, again, I can't promise that...you know this."

Josh raised his head to look Leo in the eye. "Then, again, I'm going to need some time to think about it."

Leo looked away, unable to hold the younger man's gaze any longer.

"Yeah, okay, end of the day I need an answer."

Leo reached out to absently stroke the top of his new desk. His fingers running lightly over the slick surface he wondered what the original wood had looked like. He wondered if it was as old and cracked as he. He wondered how much veneer it would strip away if Josh turned him down.

Clearing his throat Josh rubbed the back of his neck absently, obviously looking for an excuse to escape the growing silence.

"So I've got to go do this thing right now," he waved the folder he'd been carrying when Leo had sidetracked him.

"Go."

Leo watched Josh turn and head for the door. There was one more thing he had to do, though. One apology left to be made.

"Josh, wait up."

Josh spun around, caught halfway between the door and desk.

"Listen…Look…I, uh.."

"What's up?" A small frown turned down the corners of Josh's mouth.

"You know…you know what my father taught me?" Leo could feel the bitter regret that always accompanied the memories of his father seeping into his voice. "He taught me to recognize a good scotch 'cuz that's what men drink."

"Leo..." Josh's frown deepened as he realized they were having the conversation he'd so desperately been trying to avoid.

Leo waved off the younger man's objections and continued.

"Then he taught me to never serve scotch any other way than on the rocks in a highball glass. The glass was important, he said. He made sure I knew how to serve a drink."

Even now Leo loved the way the highball with it's sturdy, unassuming strength looked in his hand. It was a good glass. Got the job done with little flash or fanfare.

Sometimes he remembers the night he met Jenny. She'd been standing there, an elegant flute funneling the delicate bubbles of her champagne upwards, towards her lips. God, he loved the way she'd looked that evening. The flute had always been her glass. And it had always amazed him to open the cupboards and find his glasses next to hers in much the same way that it amazed him to wake next to her, that creature of beauty. It amazed him so much that he was sure that when she did leave, because he never fooled himself enough to believe she'd stay forever, he wouldn't be surprised. He'd always thought his time with Jenny was borrowed time anyway.

"Your dad taught you more than that, Josh... It's not always a family thing."

"Yeah. Listen Leo I've got to go finish this thing." Josh waved the folder again as if it could provide some cover for his escape.

He turned to make his way out of the office, not really sure what to think of Leo's sudden admission, finally chalking it up to one of the twelve steps.

"Your dad was proud of you, ya know," Leo's voice was so soft it was almost lost in the large office. Josh stopped with his hand on the door, not turning to face the older man.

"When I asked him how he did it, how he up and quit like that without a look back he said to me, 'Leo, it's not me, it's him.'"

Josh leaned against the doorknob, torn between bolting away and wanting desperately to know what else his father had said.

After a moment filled with nothing but the rhythm of their breaths, Leo screwed his eyes to his desk and started again.

"He said that night you found him, passed out in the drive like that, said he would've froze if you hadn't come down from school. Said he couldn't live with that look you gave him the next morning, said...said you saved his life."

Josh leaned his forehead against the door still clutching the doorknob so tightly he was sure it would snap off in his hand. He took a deep breath and blinked back the tears that were forming in his eyes.

Leo stared up at Josh's back and could almost see the muscles there tighten painfully. Looking down again he coughed to break the heavy silence.

"So." Leo's tongue was thick in his mouth as he stared down at his hands "An answer, by the end of the day."

Without looking back Josh nodded quietly, opened the door and left.

Leo listened to the creak of the hinges and waited for the soft click of the latch. Only after he was sure Josh was gone did he dare raise his eyes.