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It has been FOREVER since I have written anything here!! But a very dear friend of mine brought it up and I realized how long it has been since I have written anything!! So here I go..Im sure this is going to be a big long rant. I have a ton on my mind. I am not nearly as horrible as I was during that last entry. It was all true and a very bad time for me. But I survived. I think generally we will survive anything we are faced with regardless of how horrible it was at the time to experience. Anyway...
So things here are ok. I am working my ass off right now. I have more work on my plate than I can even begin to deal with. I most of the time don't know up from down. But hey, it pays the bills. My good time will come. It just may take some time.
The first thing that I have to mention is that since that last entry...I have been so lucky in a lot of ways. The biggest one is that I have made friends with some of the absolute most tincredible people I have met in my entire life. It is like for the first time in my life I have been able to give out all this love and support to a few people who give me back just as much. And no, I am not one of those people that "unless you are doing something for me I dont care about you". I am just so used to giving my all to people and having them turn away from me as soon as they are done with me. As soon as they have gotten what they wanted from me. And I have found people who BELIEVE in me. And I am finally starting to be able to grasp onto some faith because of these beautiful people. They all live hours away from me...but with just a simple conversation, I feel as though they are right by my side and that they are going to stay there. For having those people in my life I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Can I say that I am soo happy with myself and that my life is great now?? No. Can I say I have completely regained trust in the relations of people. No. But these people have showed me the light. And I am making my way towards it. Even if right now it is just a crawl, slowly getting there. I am a hell of a lot closer than I have ever been in my life.
In my last entry I talked about how I hadn't changed. Hadn't begun living my life the way I wanted to. And in many ways I still feel that way. I am still living in this seemingly unbreakable shell. I haven't found a way to escape from that yet. I am trying. Well, no that would be a lie. If I really tried maybe things would change. But the truth is, I am so afraid to try. So afraid of what the consequences would be. Most people have no idea who I really am. And I know now that that person is not a horrible person. Maybe just someone who thinks too much. Someone who loves too much. And someone who is so afraid of getting hurt she is afraid to share this part of herself with people. And why shouldnt I be afraid?? In the past everytime I put my heart of the line, it always got crushed...like broken glass on a cracked sidewalk..and everyone keeps walking over it. Granted, these special people (you know who you are) have allowed me to give them a little piece of my heart...and they have nurtured it..and let it grow. Instead of throwing it away like so many have done before them.And I also can't help but wonder how things would be if I was completely honest to myself and what I want. If I was able to shed all this scar tissue that has built up over the years. I am not a bad person. I want to have fun. I want to be happy. I want to be able to look in the mirrir one day and not see this "thing" in front of me. Someone I barely know..and most definitly someone that I barely am. And it makes me sooo mad to think that I have allowed others to do this to me. Allowed people who arent worth it to scar me in a way that I can;t shake, can't heal. There is this song that Bonnie Rait does. It is called "Wounded Heart". It is a beautiful song. The first time I heard it, I cried and cried. It told to whole truth of why I lose people. Why I now push them away. And why even though they care, I sometimes just cant see it. Cant feel it because I havent healed yet. There is only so much an outside person can do. But if you don't have faith in that person, don;t allow their words to sink in, they may as well leave you. Because it is frustrating on the other side too.
In that way I am such a hipocrite (I am sure I spelled that wrong but you get the point). I can see sooo much good in other people and completely believe in them when even they can't see for themselves how great they are. I mean what do I always say: "If you can't see it for yourself, look through the eyes of those who can see that you are beautiful". And I truely feel this way...for everyone else. My head is just so screwed up. Damaged. But at least I am trying.
I still have those days when I want so badly to give up, to give in. But I am making it through. And I constantly doubt everything and everyone. I don't know what it would take sometimes for things to get through my head so that I can take them as truth. But isn't it true that the bad truth's are always so much easier to accept than the good??
Oh well, I guess I am just still waiting for someone to come along and tell me that they know, that they completely understand and that they love me. But what if that person never comes along, ya know??
Am I going to be unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin forever?? Constantly on this balance beam of holding on and losing my grip?? Who knows!
I am scared shitless I have to say. SO many emotions going on in my head right now...so many thoughts.
First of all..I am so dissappointed in myself. I swore to my self a year ago that I would not live my life in my shell anymore. And I continued to do so. Afraid to live, afraid to feel. I set out to make a difference. Let people in...live my life instead of being so consumed in the past that I cant breathe. Tell the people that I love, I love them. In stead of being afraid of what would happen if I let people know how I feel about them. I didn't do any of this.
And why am I scared? Not so much for myself..but for the people I care about, love, even if I dont know them personally. I can't imagine being in a different position today. I can't imagine what it would be if my memories of a year ago included the loss of a loved on. My memories include worries..worries about my friends...worries about everything. But I was one of the lucky ones. I didnt lose anyone personally.
And yet..in the same sense I feel like I lost so many...so much...
I sat down last night and wrote letters..letters that I will probably never give to the people I wrote them too...yet letters I should give to the people I wrote them to. When I sat down to write them, I told myself I would never give them out...that way what I wrote was pure and true. And they were. They included the most raw of feelings..feelings i have never put into words...the total truth.
One letter brought me to tears as I was writing it because I realized that was I was writing was stuff that I never allowed myself to realize, never allowed myself to explore. I questioned myself in so many ways, and yet was able to answer my own questions. I wish I had the balls to give out these letters...but once again..I am afraid..afraid that by letting down the barrier on my feelings I will be hurt. This is a chance I told myself I was going to start allowing for. Why live like this???
It has been almost a year now since the horrible events of September 11th. How is it possible that it has been a year already?? It really seems like it was jsut yesterday. When my world and my mind when dark..when I couldnt eat, sleep, or stop crying. I was worried about my friends in the area. I was worried about everyone there. Even if I had never met them..maybe it was someone I passed in the street...maybe it was someone I had chatted with in a park and never cuaght their name...maybe..so many maybes.
NYC was my secret garden. I loved (and still do love) the way I can go there and be no one. No one knows me. No one cares. It is like I become invisible and untouchable. And the idea that My place had been invaded..that MY people had been hurt...it crushed me.
I read an article the other day about a film that was made by a french producer. He gave different directors( one in each of 11 different countries) 11 minutes worth or film to do a sketch relating the feelings and situations of September 11th. Many feel that this is an ANTI-American movie. After reading the descriptions of each of the 11 segments, I am not so sure I feel that it is ANTI-American. I think it is a genuine reflection of what was happening during that time.
One exaple was a skit about a muslim woman who helped rescue people during the attacks in NYC on September 11 and how after..everyone turned on her because she was muslim. Is it a nice thing? no. DO we really want to admit to this kind of bigorty? No. But the simple fact is..it happened. I watched a close friend of mine suffer and worry because of the judgements that she was feeling against her and her family.
I guess I don't know what my point in all this is but...man..just so many emotions are coming back to me. It is like it truely did happen yesterday. I am once again glued to MSNBC and wondering what is going to happen. WIll there be more?? Who will I lose this time?
And all those who lost loved ones last year. I feel for them. I really do. There is no way they will be able to escape the reminders over this next week. I can't imagine being in their place. And yet it still seems to me that a lot of people have forgotten about it. Ok not forgotten but...I dont know how to desribe it. Like they see it as a part of a magazine article or a history book. I dont ever want to feel that way about that day. I dont ever want to let the hurt fade. Because when it does...people begin to not feel so grateful for what they have left..dont feel quite so grateful they still ahev their loved ones...that they are alive.
I don't know..I will shut up now...
For my first bitch, I am not even properly educated on this topic but...this is very upsetting to me. There is a woman who was sentanced to being stoned to death because she had sex out of wedlock. I think it was in an African Country..Damn...really need to look this article back up but...Here is my problem. How is it that a woman with a baby is getting stoned to death for having sex??? Where the hell is the man?? The man...he at first admitted to having sex with the woman. Then, once he realized what he was facing...he suddenly changed his mind about what happened...swore on the Koran and *ta-dah* he is innocent. This is disgusting. I am going to try to find the article with the info.
